AN: (Again) FYI- I refer a lot in this chapter to someplace called a "genkan." A genkan is the entryway of a Japanese house, where people take off their shoes. Since there really isn't an American equivalent to this, I went with the original Japanese word. And if I got the word wrong, then please let me know.

Also, the Mimawarigumi were a group of soldiers in Kyoto that were fighting for the Shogun, like a less badass version of the Shinsengumi.

April 28

Ten days. That's how long I walked from Edo. And yesterday I arrived.

Kyoto is such a large and beautiful city. It took my breath away as I walked through. The buildings alone are spectacular.

But the people are afraid.

If you watch a street long enough, you'll see it. The people here rush. Very few stop to talk with each other in the streets, and those that do fidget. No one wants to be out for long.

This city is very different from Edo.

I spent most of yesterday and today looking for the Mimawarigumi. I got nothing yesterday, but today I found out where their headquarters are!

Unfortunately, it was too late to see them. So I returned to my inn. But tomorrow, I'll go there and find out all I can about Akira's killer.

April 29

Sometimes I hate being a woman. People never take us seriously.

When I arrived at the Mimawaragumi headquarters today… well, it didn't go as I planned. They kept trying to send me away.

"This is no place for a pretty girl like you!" one older man said to me, patting my head. "Go on home and take care of your husband!"

I spent my entire day waiting in the genkan for someone to talk to. There was a guard there, but he didn't talk to me, except to prevent me from going further inside. Finally, this afternoon, one of the young members came to speak with me.

"Miss, you really need to go," he told me.

"I won't go until I can speak with someone about my fiancé's death," I said.

"Miss, I don't know anything about that," he said.

"He was a member of this group," I explained. "Kiyosato Akira."

"I'm sorry Miss. But I didn't know him. I'm new."

Well, it made sense for them to send a rookie to take get rid of me.

"Can you please direct me to whoever will have details of his death?" I asked.

"I'm sorry miss, but we're very busy, we can't help you. Please go home."

He left me then and went back inside. But I stayed where I was until sunset, and returned to my inn. I'll go back tomorrow. I won't leave them alone until I know more about the Monster.

April 30

Nothing today. They sent the rookie again to get rid of me. He was a lot more flustered this time, and less polite. But I didn't budge.

Maybe tomorrow I'll bring a book.

May 2

Nothing again for the past few days. I've spent them standing in the genkan of the Mimawarigumi headquarters. I don't do anything there except stand and wait to argue with the rookie when they send him to send me away.

It's frustrating. But every time I think about giving up, I remember Akira, and how happy he looked when he left me. And about the Monster. No, I can't give up, not until Akira is avenged.

May 5

I've finally discovered why they say that patience is a virtue. I'm usually a very patient person. If I ever do become impatient, then my face usually masks my feelings, making others believe that I'm more patient than I really am.

For the past seven days, I've waited in the Mimawarigumi to learn about the Monster. So far, I've leaned nothing. But that doesn't mean that I've gotten nowhere.

I've noticed a change in the soldiers in the past few days. When I first came here, they treated me like a joke. I noticed them laughing or smiling at me whenever they passed me in the genkan. But now, they grow quiet when they see me. They don't know how to act around me now, and it makes them nervous.

The rookie is starting to become afraid of me. The time he spends trying to chase me away is less each day, his arguments weaker. He looks scared when he approaches me, and relieved when he leaves.

The only person that I don't think I'm making an impression on is the guard. He just keeps standing there, day after day.

I've noticed in the past few days a man watching me. He's not obvious about it, but he seems to looks at me every time he comes in and out of the building. I don't think he's a member of the Mimawarigumi. He doesn't wear their uniform or carry a katana. And he doesn't come into the headquarters very often. Just once every few days or so, and he usually doesn't stay longer than an hour.

He's a very tall man, strong and muscular. He's middle aged, with long gray hair and a beard. He's always treated with respect when with others, and seems to have some position of power. He makes me nervous.

May 7

This morning I had my first encounter with death.

I was arguing with the rookie again, when a group of soldiers ran in. They were carrying in their arms a wounded man.

"Someone get a doctor!"

The rookie stumbled out the door when the words were shouted, and the guard ran inside. I flattened myself against the wall, trying not to get in the way.

The wounded man was placed on the raised floor of the genkan. He was bleeding heavily from his stomach, and screamed loudly when he was moved. One of the other men was trying to staunch the wound with his jacket. Meanwhile, more members of the Mimawarigumi were coming in. Questions went back and forth.

"Who did this?"

"What happened?"

"He was attacked by the Choshuu…"

"Was anyone else there?"

"Where's the doctor?"

"Was it Battousai?"

"Idiot! If it was Battousai, he wouldn't be alive, would he?"

"Battousai's a myth."

"Where's that doctor?"

After a few moments, the door leading to the rest of headquarters opened. A regal-looking man stood there, glaring at everyone. The noise immediately stopped when the soldiers saw him.

He kneeled next to the wounded man and inspected the wound. After a few minutes, he shook his head.

"He won't make it," he announced.

"But Sensei!" a man shouted. "The doctor's coming now!"

"The doctor's useless. This man's wounds are fatal." He glared at his men. "The best we can do is to spare our comrade a slow, painful death."

There was silence in the room, except for the wounded man choking with pain. Finally, the man who had been helping him unsheathed his wakizashi and slit the wounded man's throat. The gasps of pain stopped.

The sensei nodded. "Take care of his body."

After he left, the other members of the Mamiwarigumi trickled out of the genkan. Most looked grim. A small group carried the body inside.

And suddenly, I found myself alone again in the genkan, staring at the pool of blood where the wounded man had been.

I have never experienced death like this before. I lost Akira a month ago, and I watched Mother die when I was young. But this was different. When Mother died, she drifted off. It was after her long, weary battle to give birth to Enishi. She didn't have the strength to stay with us. There was nothing we could do, except watch.

But this time was different. If we had waited a few more minutes for the doctor to arrive, would the man survive? All I could think about was the swipe of the wakizashi across his throat. It seems so pointless.

After a few moments, the guard returned to his post. He looked startled when he saw me.

"You're still here?" he asked.

It was the first time he ever acknowledged my existence. I nodded in surprise. He scowled.

"Get out," he said. "This is no place for someone like you. Couldn't you tell by what just happened?"

My expression didn't show how confused, scared, and sad I felt.

"I just want-"

"To know about your fiancé's killer." He finished my sentence. "You think I don't know that after watching you come in here day after day?" He sighed. "Kiyosato-kun wouldn't have wanted this for you. He would have wanted you to be happy."

"You knew him?" I asked.

"Aye, I knew him. He was a good kid. But a lousy fighter. He didn't belong with the likes of us."

And here I got more proof that Akira wasn't a good fighter. He didn't belong in this war.

"Listen," the man said. He almost sounded gentle. "I know how you feel. I've already lost countless friends in this war, and I'll lose more. It never gets any easier. But you gotta let it go!"

I felt a weight in the pit of my stomach. "I can't. That's why I'm here."

He jerked his thumb toward the blood on the floor.

"Even if you find this killer, do you think you can do it? Take a life?"

And suddenly, I didn't have an answer. Yesterday, I would have said yes in an instant. But today, I couldn't say a word.

So I turned and left the building, the earliest I've ever left them. As I walked out the door, I passed by that man who watches me sometimes. I wonder how long he was standing outside?

This entry has taken many pages, and most of the afternoon to write. But I still don't know my answer. I still feel the rage and the hatred against the Monster. I still feel love and grief for Akira. But can I kill the Monster? Can I take a life?

Later That Night

I've thought more about it. I can't stand the thought of the Monster living. But I don't think that I can kill a man. I suppose I'll have to think of a creative form of vengeance for him then. But first, I still need to know about him. So I'll return to the Mimawarigumi again tomorrow. Maybe this time, the guard can help me.

I should start looking for a job soon. I'm running low on funds, and I have nothing of value to sell. Oh, I'll deal with it tomorrow.

May 8

I don't know what to do.

Well, I got what I asked for. But it wasn't what I wanted.

When I entered the building this morning, the guard frowned at me and growled. "You again?"

"Good morning," I said.

"Didn't I tell you to get out of here?"

"Not until I get the information I asked for."

We stared at each other for a long time without blinking. Finally, he looked away first.

"Please sir," I said. "You already know what I want."

"Nothing," he said.

"Please, if you can't tell me, then can you direct me to who can?"

"There's nothing to tell."

I was silenced.

"That night, Kiyosato-kun went out with one of our other men. They were guarding a politician. And we found them all dead the next morning."

I felt ice flowing through my veins.

"There were no witnesses. We don't know who the killer is." He paused, and then added quietly, "I'm sorry."

Numbly, automatically, I bowed. "Thank you."

And for the second day in a row, I left the Mimawarigumi early.

I don't know what to do now. I have no leads. I don't know where to look.

Akira, I love you so much. How can I live with myself if the Monster stays alive?