May 18

I've settled well in the few days I've been here. It's not as bad as I thought it would be.

So far, I've mostly been working for Okami-san. It's hard work; my tasks are varied from cleaning to cooking. I start early in the morning, and continue until evening. But I'm actually enjoying the work. It's refreshing to think about something other than my grief, if only for a little while.

By now, most of the men here have gotten used to seeing me. Although, a few still chuckle and joke when they see me. I'm sure that they must be teasing Himura mercilessly.

One man in particular seems to be keeping an eye on me. Iizuka-san, Himura's friend, seems to be watching me whenever we're in the same room. I'm not sure how to feel about it. Iizuka-san's nothing like Tatsumi-san, so I'm sure it's nothing more than harmless (albeit annoying) ogling. But it still, it makes me nervous.

For the last few days, I've been watching Katsura Kogoro as much as I can. It's not a lot- most days I'm lucky if I pass him in the hall. I'm curious about him. Back home, I heard a lot from Father, Akira, and the other retainers to the Shogun about Katsura-san. They called him a naïve fool and scoffed at his brashness.

But the Katsura-san that I see isn't brash or naïve. He always seems calm and polite. And from what I hear from the maids I work with and the men I overhear, Katsura-san truly cares about other people. I was so wrong about him. It makes me wonder what else I am wrong about.

And then there's Himura.

I still sleep in his room, much to his annoyance. There's really no choice- the Inn is full with all of the Choshuu in Kyoto staying here. And it unwittingly helps my cover as his girlfriend. At first, I was as frustrated as Himura when I found out we'd continue sharing a room. But then I remembered my mission; what better way to find out a man's weakness than to sleep in his room?

But there's a problem. I don't think he has a weakness.

Himura never talks unless spoken to, and seems to spend most of his time reading or staring out his window. Once nighttime comes, he'll go out drinking, and won't come back until after I've fallen asleep. Occasionally, I'll see Iizuka-san talking to him and forcing him to go out. Iizuka-san is a jokester, and he's always able to get people roaring with laughter. But I've never seen Himura laugh at Iizuka-san's jokes. In fact, I don't think I've ever seen Himura smile.

How can I find a weakness in a man like that?

May 25

It's been a week since I've written last. I've been too busy to write before, and had nothing to write about. But now I do, and my heart feels heavy again.

Today, Okami-san had all of us cleaning out rooms. Among the rooms she assigned me was the one I share with Himura.

"I don't care if it is your room, it better be clean," she said.

So I went upstairs and worked. I held off doing that room until I had none left. It was because of Himura- I didn't really want to see him.

But there he was, sitting in his spot in the window. He scowled as I opened the door.

"Get out. I'm going to clean your room." I said.

"I didn't ask you to," he said.

"Okami-san did."

He turned in the window so he was facing me. He was about to stand, when he paused. He was looking down at his books, probably trying to pick one out, when a puzzled expression crossed his face.

"What's this notebook?" he asked. He was pointing to this journal.

A bolt of panic went through my system. How could I be so careless? If anybody read this…

"That's my diary!" I said, restraining my fear. "Don't read that!"

"As if!" he muttered.

Still, I grabbed the diary and tucked it in my obi. "Just in case."

Himura looked even more peeved as he sulked out of the room.

As I cleaned, I started feeling a little sorry for him. He didn't ask to have me barge in and meddle in his life. I resolved to be nicer to him when I saw him next.

He came back as I finished the cleaning. He was wearing a hard expression on his face, and walked by me as if I wasn't there.

"It's all yours now," I said.

He was at the basket where he keeps his clothes, rummaging for a new strap for his sandals.

"You can have it," he said, standing up. "I have an assignment tonight. I won't be back until late."

He left the room, leaving me in frozen shock.

An assignment.

Someone else will die tonight.

What am I doing here? I sleep three feet away from Akira's killer, feeding him and cleaning up after him. I came to Kyoto to avenge my beloved, but what am I doing? Finding the weakness of Hitokiri Battousai? This man has no weakness to exploit. He's not even a man!

He's out there now, hunting his prey. I can't sleep. Out there, someone will die a brutal, violent death. And what will I have done to stop it? Nothing, except clean Himura's room.

I've been at the Kohagiya for two weeks. Two weeks since I asked Himura if he would kill me if I carried a sword, and I still don't have an answer. Maybe I'll never get it. Or maybe I already have.

May 28

For the past few days, Himura's been out every night on his "assignments." I know that's what he's been doing. He's been wearing that hard expression every day, his eyes in a violent glare. And his clothes are bloodstained.

Whenever he's out, I can't sleep. All I can think about is Akira while he's gone.

A few nights ago, I was going downstairs to use the bathroom, when I heard noise in the water room. It was very late at night. I wrapped my shawl tight around me and walked in.

Himura was standing at the end of the room, washing his hands in the bucket of water. There were two empty buckets near his feet. He knew I was there, but he didn't look at me.

"Will you just go on killing people like this?" I asked.

He didn't answer. He just scrubbed his hands harder in the clear water.

May 29

I've just had an interesting conversation.

Himura is out again tonight. I was in my room, trying to distract myself by stitching and repairing some kimono, when there was a knock at the door.

"Yes?" I responded. It was Katsura-san!

"Forgive the late interruption," he said. "May I intrude on you a bit?"

"Himura-san is out tonight," I told him.

"I know," he said. "I am his superior. I know everything about his work."

So this is the man who sends Himura out to kill. I never realized this before, although now it seems obvious.

Katsura-san knelt opposite of me. I didn't know what to expect. What would the famous Katsura Kogoro want with a maid? And then he began to talk about madness.

"Madness?" I asked.

"It is one of the teachings of Yoshida Shoin, master of the Shokason School, where my comrade Takasugi and I studied in our younger days." Katsura-san explained. "In order to destroy this era, at the peak of its madness after 300 years of Tokugawa rule, we too must call upon the madness that gives us strength. Justice so honed that even mad rage cannot confuse it. That is the power source of the Choshuu now." He looked into my eyes. "And Himura is leading this 'mad justice.' His duty is the harshest of them all."

There was silence in the room as I absorbed what he said.

"…And?" I asked. "What is it that you want me to do?"

He sighed and smiled, looking kind. He stood and walked to the door, saying:

"I don't want you to do anything. I just want you to understand what we are doing."

He left a few minutes ago, with his words ringing enigmatically in my mind. Mad justice… well it certainly is mad.

I've heard enough stories from the people here to understand why they want a new era. A lot of people suffer in today's regime. I'm starting understand the need for change.

But I can't reconcile this with Akira's death. I still hurt when I think of him. I wish he was here to hold me, and to help me understand what Katsura-san was trying to tell me.

And now I know that Katsura-san was involved with Akira's death. Even indirectly, it was Katsura-san who signed Akira's death warrant, and loosed Himura upon him. But strangely, I don't want revenge on Katsura-san. I just feel tired now when I think of revenge.

All I understand is that war is crazy. We're all victims to it- Akira, me, and even Himura.

May 30

I nearly died today.

I finished cleaning late this afternoon when Okami-san told me, "You're done for today." I walked upstairs and into my room.

Himura was sitting in the window, his thin frame outlined against the setting sun. He was asleep.

I looked into his face, smoothed out of the glares that he wears while he's awake. He's only 15 years old. And while I looked, I remembered Katsura-san's words from last night.

Justice so honed that even mad rage cannot confuse it. The leader of this made justice…Himura Battousai.

But as I looked at Himura, I just couldn't see this leader of mad justice. Just a young man, barely older than a boy.

It was chilly today, despite the looming summer, and the window was open. I grabbed my blue shawl and walked over to him. I was planning on draping the shawl on him, so he could be warm. But when I was inches away from him, his eyes snapped open.

In a second, he was on his feet, my kimono in his fist, sword drawn and to my neck. His face was pulled into an animalistic snarl- pure rage, pure madness.

My heart beat fast. I'm going to die! I thought.

And then his eyes widened. He jerked his sword back and shoved me away from him.

He knelt on the floor, panting. His eyes were wide, but the violet irises were small.

"I'm sorry," he gasped. "After everything I said about not killing civilians, I'm…" he gulped. "Please leave now, or else I will end up…" he shuddered.

He was kneeling on the floor, shaking, Sweat was pouring down his face. He clutched his right hand, forcing it to the ground. And he still held his sword.

In the city of hundreds, many people hate and fear Battousai. But as I looked at him today, I realized that no one fears him more than himself.

I nearly turned away from him. I nearly ran away from him, out the door and back to Edo. But I can't leave him like this.

Instead, I turned to him. I dropped my shawl into his lap.

"I'll stay here a while longer," I said. "You need a sheath to hold your madness now."

Kenshin's eyes widened. Slowly, he reached for the blue silk, and clutched it in his hands, as though it would drag him to safety.

"You asked me a long time ago, would I kill you if you held a sword?" Kenshin's voice cracked. "The answer is, I wouldn't. I will not kill you. No matter what may happen, I will never kill you."

He clutched my shawl tighter. "Never you."

June 1

I was just rereading my last few entries when I realized that I called Himura "Kenshin." I don't know what to make of that.