August 20

There's something wrong with me. My mask is starting to crack. Sometimes I feel my face slip out of its usual expression- my eyes will widen with surprise, my cheeks will blush, my lips form smiles.

I've had a difficult time with my face my entire life. What's happening? Is it living with Kenshin? Is he the one causing these changes?

August 21

I'm not the only one changing. Kenshin's almost unrecognizable from the hitokiri I met in Kyoto. He hasn't worn his sword in a month. He smiles all the time now, and even laughs. He's becoming good at making medicine, and many people in the village like him.

He's even become friends with some of the local children. They've been coming up to our house to play with him almost every day. There's five of them: Goro-kun, Momo-chan, Satsu-chan, Tani-kun, and Chihiro-chan. Kenshin watches after them when he's not working, and sometimes I can hear them laughing all day. Goro-kun and Tani-kun clearly look up to him. They force him to play "samurai" with them, and they attack him with branches. They always pretend to be Katsura-san and his comrade Takasugi Shinsaku, while they force Kenshin to be a member of the Shinsengumi (much to his embarrassment). Momo-chan has such a crush on him, and always tries to slip her hand into his when she thinks no one is looking. Sometimes, I'll watch them play in the yard.

And he's so kind to me. He never comments on my lack of a smile, even as his grows more and more each day. He seems to accept that I am happy, even if I don't look it. He doesn't ask me about my past, even though he's shared parts of his with me. And he doesn't try to pressure me into kissing him, or holding his hand, or having sex.

Who knew that a hitokiri could be like this?

November 13

We finally did it. We had sex last night. It wasn't planned. It just happened.

Kenshin's up in the mountains now, gathering herbs. He'll probably be up there for most of the day.

It was nice. I felt really good and happy this morning when I woke up, and this feeling continued as I did my work. But then, I remembered Akira.

I haven't thought of him for so long. I've been so content in my new life that I just never remembered him. But how can I forget my beloved?

I thought that this ended when I married Kenshin. I thought I had made a choice- Kenshin or Akira. Happiness or sorrow. Life or death. I chose Kenshin. I chose to live and be happy. I thought that I would stop mourning Akira if I did this.

I was wrong.

Emotions never follow logic, and I can't control how I feel. And I feel… guilty.

Why? Is it because I married Kenshin? Because I slept with the man who killed my beloved?

No, that's not why. Strange, but that's not the reason why I feel so guilty. I feel guilty because…

Because I killed Akira. Not Kenshin. Not Katsura-san. Me.

Because I didn't cry for him. Because I didn't beg him to stay home. Because I didn't act like I cared when he left. If I had, I know he would have stayed.

Katsura-san may have given the order. Kenshin may have cut him down. But I was the one who sent him to his death.

My hand is shaking while I write this. I can feel my face shift to accommodate my grief. But still, over seven months later, I still can't cry!

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?

Maybe this is Akira's punishment. He's not punishing me for marrying Kenshin, but for sending him to die. Maybe Akira sent me to Kyoto so I can find his killer, fall in love with him, and spend the rest of my life in torment and confusion.

But Akira would never be so cruel. That's why I loved him.

Oh. I just wrote that I love Kenshin. I do, don't I? What a horrible way to realize you love someone. I owe him better for that. He is always so kind to me, and he deserves so much. And I always hold back because of Akira.

How can I be loyal to both and still remain happy? Maybe I can't. Maybe I never will.

December 25

Kenshin spent most of today in the mountains. He met with Iizuka-san this afternoon to get information about the situation in Kyoto. But he had to leave early so he could gather some herbs, and have a cover story for meeting Iizuka-san in the first place. Iizuka-san pretends that he's a medicine seller from Kyoto coming to meet his supplier whenever he comes by with his monthly reports. Kenshin usually gives him some of the herbs before coming home with the news.

The children were upset when they found out Kenshin wasn't home.

"But I brought my favorite toys with me!" Satsu-chan said.

"Why does he always have to work?" Momo-chan pouted.

"Tomoe-nee, will you play with us instead?" Goro-kun asked.

"All right," I said. I had played a lot with Enishi when he was younger, so I know how to deal with children. But these didn't seem to like me.

"Tomoe-nee, how come you're not smiling?" Tani-kun asked. "Are you sad?"

"No," I said. "I really am happy right now, my face just doesn't show it."

"Why?" he asked.

"I have a hard time smiling."

"Why?"

"I… don't know. I just do."

"Why?"

Eventually, he got bored and started pretending to be in a swordfight with Goro-kun. I played with the girls, bouncing Satsu-chan's ball up and down. Chihiro-chan kept looking around nervously.

"Oh calm down already," Momo-chan finally snapped at her.

"What's wrong?" I asked.

"She's not supposed to be here," Momo-chan said.

"Why not?" I asked.

Chihiro-chan looked frightened when I looked at her, and immediately looked down. Momo-chan opened her mouth to speak, but then Satsu-chan stepped on her foot. I had to spend the next few minutes forcing the girls not to fight.

Finally, close to sunset we heard Kenshin calling out, "I'm home!" The children's smiles grew bright.

"Welcome home!" they shouted, throwing their toys at him. "Where have you been?"

Kenshin rubbed the bruises on his head, smiling. "I was up the mountain, gathering herbs. Didn't Tomoe play with you?" He glanced at me.

The children looked awkward. "She did, but…" After a moment, Satsu-chan finally said, "She's no fun!"

I guess I'm not as good with children as I thought.

He was about to say something, when he noticed Chihiro-chan hanging in the back. "What's the matter?" he asked her.

"My dad says, 'That medicine man is strange. Don't play with him'," she said.

"Oh really?" Kenshin said. I think I was the only one who caught the note of sadness in his voice.

"But Mom says, 'He's a good man. He takes care of people'." Chiriho-chan continued.

Kenshin smiled. "I see." He patted her on the head. "I'll be home all day tomorrow. Come over in the morning and play with everyone."

She smiled, and she looked the happiest I've seen her all day.

"Now, it's late," Kenshin told them. "You guys go on home."

They shouted out their farewells and ran down the road. Once they were gone, Kenshin turned to me, still smiling.

"I'm sorry," I said. "I'm no good at smiling. I do like children though."

"It's ok," he chuckled.

"I love their innocent smiles," I continued. "Especially since you are smiling a lot now."

For a moment, he looked surprised. Then, thoughtful and somber.

"I guess that's true," he said. "I've been though a lot of bad times. I was born during a famine, and I lost my parents and brothers to cholera. Since I was ten, I've trained relentlessly under Hiten Mitsurugi-Ryu. And now, I am Choshuu's hitokiri. I've never really had much to smile about."

He paused for a moment. "I learned the principles of Hiten Mitsurugi-Ryu, wielded a sword, killed… all for an age in which the powerless can find happiness. But up until now, I never knew what happiness was."

He smiled at me again. "Five months of living out here with you in the farmlands has shown me what I've been fighting for, and what I need to keep fighting for."

I could feel my cheeks blushing and my eyes widen. I never knew he felt this way. I didn't realize how much I meant to him.

"I know that someday the fighting will begin again," he said. "But at least until New Years, I want it to stay like this."

Finally, I was able to find words.

"All right," I said. "We should start preparing for it then."

I wish I could smile back at him.