December 28, First Year of the Genji (1864)
It's over. Or it will be soon.
Kenshin came in as I was writing my last entry, so I never finished it. But now I'll tell what happened.
After Enishi left, Kenshin came back in. Even though he must have suspected me of leaking information, he didn't confront me. He didn't even ask me why I never told him that I had a brother. Instead, he asked why Enishi left so soon.
And that's when I knew. A man as good as him deserves the truth.
As I talked, it began to snow outside- thick flakes in the darkness. Kenshin stood against the door, opened slightly so I could see the flakes.
I told him about my past. About Father being one of the Shogun's retainers. About raising Enishi after Mother died. And then…Akira.
When I told Kenshin I was engaged, he was so surprised that he let go of the door. The wind burst it open and snow began to fall into our tiny house.
I described Akira to Kenshin, but without mentioning his name. I talked about his kindness, his hard work, and his determination. I told him how Akira left for Kyoto, but never returned. But I didn't tell Kenshin how Akira died- I couldn't yet.
While I spoke about Akira, Kenshin's face was emotionless. I couldn't tell if he was angry with me. I was afraid he would be. Would he still want me after I told him the truth? But I kept going.
"I couldn't rest after I heard the news," I said. "So I came to Kyoto…" I couldn't finish.
"He died somewhere far away. I don't know where. But my happiness… died with him." I said. "And in the end, I think it was my fault." My voice began to crack, and I felt my eyes grow hot and wet. "If only I'd cried and begged him to stay... But when I thought that, I had to find someone to hate so I could keep my sanity!"
Suddenly, Kenshin grabbed me and pulled me against him. He wrapped me into his embrace.
"It's all right," he whispered.
I was planning on telling him everything, even the Yaminobu. But at his words, I lost control. For the first time in months, I began to cry. Snow fluttered around us. As Kenshin held me, I wept: for Akira, for Kenshin, and for myself.
Finally, I was able to calm down. When I stopped crying, Kenshin wrapped a blanket around me, and sat me down next to the fire. He wouldn't let me help him sweep out the snow, and he closed the door when he was done. A few minutes later, he sat under the blanket with me.
We were quiet for a long time, watching the fire burn. Finally, Kenshin spoke:
"A little over a year ago, I left my master to protect the happiness of the people in this country with my sword. In order to do so, I thought I had to end this chaos and build a new era. So I allied myself with the Choshuu Inshin Shish and became Hitokiri Battousai. I believed Hiten Mitsurugi-Ryu would help me do this, but reality is not so easy." He paused for a moment.
"I killed and killed, without bringing the new era any closer. My soul grew heavy, my mind misted, and all I could smell was blood.
"But then I met you. Your questions blew the mists from my mind, and made me sane again. I don't smell blood anymore, but white plums. And after living with you for so long, I finally understand the happiness I'm trying to protect."
He picked up a poker and stirred the fire. "For the first, I understand how serious happiness can be. No matter how powerful his sword, no matter how perfect his skills, no one man can change an era. No one man can bear the happiness of others on his shoulders. All a man can do is protect the happiness of the people he can see."
The fire crackled. I listened to him, riveted.
"But until the new era is established, I have to keep going on as a hitokiri." He paused.
"Maybe this is foolish of me, but when the new era comes, I want to find a way to protect others without killing. And I will find a way to atone for the happiness I've stolen from others. Tomoe?"
"Yes?" I asked.
"The happiness you lost once in all of this chaos," he said. "I'll protect it from now on."
I've never seen him so sure of himself as he was then. I believed him. I know that he'll help as many people as he can without killing. He's a kind man.
I smiled at him, his first smile from me, and the first smile that came to me so easily.
"Yes." I said.
We made love after that. While I was sleeping, I had strange dreams. I remember the barest glimpses of them. Father challenging Katsura-san to a duel. Okami-san raising Enishi as her son. Blood raining down on Kyoto, smelling like white plums. In one dream, I opened a door and found Akira and Kenshin, sitting opposite of each other and drinking tea. They both turned to greet me, smiling. In another, I saw Kenshin's sword and my knife, each sticking up from the snowy ground, both dripping blood. They looked like an X. And in my final dream, I saw the little girl from Edo. She spun around in circles, ageing a little more with each turn, until she was my age and she stopped. The girl held my hands and looked into my eyes with her deep blue ones. "Thank you," she said with a smile.
When I woke, I came to this journal, and began to write. Kenshin is still asleep. It's very early morning, the sun is almost ready to rise. And soon, I must go.
I am the only one who can stop the Yaminobu. They're probably in the forest now, waiting for me. I won't let them kill Kenshin. I already killed one man I love, I won't do it to another.
They'll want his weakness. I'll tell them a lie. I'll tell them to attack him in his sleep. I'm sure he'll be able to stop them. And I'm bringing my knife with me, tucked again in my obi. I don't know if I'll come back alive from this. But I have to try to stop them.
This man stole my happiness from me. He gave me another in its place. He will kill more people before he's done. But in the end, he will protect far more than he's killed. I can't let him die here.