Chapter 12
BethBobby
Sooo, I think I'm coming to the end of this part of the fic, I've got another 3 or 4 chapters of it and then I'm moving onto the 'parts of Grace's life' section of this fic x
Can I just remind everyone that in this fic I am pretending that what happened with the Governor didn't happen! Thank you x
Warning: some swearing.
'With blood shot eyes I watch you sleeping
The warmth I feel beside me is slowly fading
Would she hear me if I call her name?
Would she hold me if she knew my shame?
There's always something different going wrong
The path I walk's in the wrong direction
There's always someone fucking hanging on
Can anybody help me make things better?
Your tears don't fall
They crash around me.'
Bullet for my Valentine – Tears Don't Fall
The tears came before Steve could stop them, everything that had been boiling up spilling out.
'Fuck. Steve.' Catherine reached for him.
'What happened?' she asked.
And for the first time in a long time, Steve needed to talk. He needed someone there who understood. Who wouldn't judge him.
Who wouldn't think he was weak.
Because that was how he felt.
So fucking weak.
For the first time since he'd met Danny, he opened up to someone else.
He told her everything.
Everything that had happened with his father, the tool box, Mary being kidnapped, Danny being injured and now killed.
He told her everything about Grace and how he had come to adopt her, about how she had gotten sick.
And for once he had a person who listened. Not like Danny, who would frequently cut in with his own opinions.
God Steve missed that.
Danny's rants, his stupid tie, his elaborate hand gestures, just everything.
'Cath, what have I done?' Steve asked, taking a deep breath and wiping his eyes.
'Nothing Steve, you've done absolutely nothing wrong. You didn't know Wo Fat was going to turn on Danny. Hell, you should be dead too, not just Danny and their family. There was a bomb in your truck too. You saved Grace's life getting her away. You can't control everything in your life Steve. Sometimes shit just happens and you can't stop it. The only thing you can do for Danny now is to look after Grace and bring Wo Fat to justice.' Cath put her hands either side of Steve's face, forcing him to look at her.
'But if I'd just left things alone, then Danny would still be alive.'
'No, he wouldn't. From what you've told me about Wo Fat I don't think it would have made a difference. You say he doesn't like loose ends. Well you were always a loose end. Although you might not have been pursuing him, you still knew too much. There was always the possibility that you might come after him. You were a loose end. So, surely that means he was always going to be after you?'
Steve started to shake his head.
'Hey, are you not listening to me Sailor*?' Catherine said, her voice rising 'if you truly blamed yourself then why did you take on Grace? If you truly blamed yourself then how can you stand to look that little girl in the face?'
Steve opened his mouth but again she cut him off.
'Steve, the answer is, you don't have an answer to why it happened. I know you, you like to have a reason for everything. Everything has to be cut and dried. Sorted out like a case would be. But sometimes you can't do that. You don't blame yourself; you're just using it as an excuse. Danny was always under threat doing the job he did. He would have been under threat as a Detective working here or New Jersey or freaking Africa! There was always the risk that someone would try and shut him up or take revenge. Danny knew that when he signed up for the job. Wo Fat just beat them all to it. You can't help it; the man is obviously a maniac. So all you can do is catch him.'
Steve nodded and put his head in his hands 'it just hurts so much, he was more than my partner, he was like family. I trusted him with my life. I've never trusted anyone like I did him. Hell, he took a bullet only an hour after meeting me and didn't run a mile.'
'Exactly, he knew the risks and he chose to accept them.'
Steve opened his mouth to object again but the woman shut it with a finger.
'You're beginning to look like a fish. Let me ask you a question.' She paused 'did you set the bomb?'
'What the! NO!' Steve jerked back.
'No, I'm not accusing you of anything! Just hear me out. Did you know about the bomb?'
Steve shook his head, not quite sure where this was going.
'Did you detonate the bomb?'
'No.'
'Did you push Danny into the burning car?'
'No.'
'Then how on earth is it your fault?' Cath threw her arms up.
Steve shrugged, there was sense in her words.
'Grace doesn't blame you. Right?' Cath asked.
'No, she doesn't.'
'Then why do you blame yourself? You had nothing to do with it.' Cath moved closer and kissed Steve's forehead.
'I don't know. I just..'
'I know, you just figured. But figuring ain't good for you. Dwelling sends you crazy. I know all about it and so do you. We've seen things that some people can't even imagine. And none of it is our fault, we just take it as part of the job. I know it's hard, but this was just part of Danny's job, he took the risks everyday and he knew the risks. So stop beating yourself up or I'll do it for you. Grace needs you. You can't keep it all bottled up and you can't blame yourself. You should follow the Doctor's opinion and go to therapy yourself. There's no sense in being a martyr. Go and talk to someone. It'll make you feel better. Same for your team. From the sounds of it they're not doing so good either.' Cath told him, poking him in the chest.
'Since when did you get so wise, Miss Rollins?' Steve asked, forcing a slight smile.
'I don't know, maybe I'm destined to become a therapist.' She joked 'now, why are there boxes everywhere?'
'It's some of Grace's stuff.' Steve told her, thinking about the fact that the ache in the pit of his stomach, although still there, had lessened slightly.
'Have you sorted through Danny's things yet?'
'No, I couldn't face it.' Steve admitted.
'Well sailor, don't you think you'd better get to it?' she said.
'Probably.'
'How about we start now then, your sister just pulled up outside.' Cath told him, standing.
'Yessir.' Steve sighed, rubbing his eyes to try and hide the fact that they were still red and watery.
'Go get your coat then.'
*Cath calls him sailor in an episode.
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