People don't pay good money to watch bad films right? Ha! How wrong I was. The Adventures of Mikuru Asahina was bad, but at least the shining star that was Miss Asahina was perpetually up on the screen. I could easily lie back and just lose myself in awe of the rather incredible outfit that Haruhi had snagged from some shady internet store.

That Twilight film however...

We didn't even make it to the end. Haruhi threw the remote at the big screen and started having a tantrum. Rather than turn it off herself she threw a shoe at me and yelled at me to turn it off for her. I was kind of glad to do the honours of blacking out the screen and never having to watch a second of that awful abomination for the rest of my life.

Koizumi shrugged his shoulders, another mannerism that totally pisses me off. "Well, at least they tried."

Asahina was staring off into space, probably still obsessing over the fact that somewhere in this area, people were sitting on comfy couches, eating popcorn and watching her dance around clumsily with toy guns.

Nagato had not even looked at the screen once during the entire 'screening'. In fact she had been staring blankly at the wall for the past hour. It makes you wonder what she thinks about in those long periods of idle time.

Haruhi had a look on her face as if she had just watched a puppy drown. That then turned to a very, very angry face. At that point Koizumi, Asahina, Nagato and I all shared uneasy glances. We all knew from experience what happened when Haruhi got angry. And she was angrier than a menstruating female wrestler in the middle of a title match. I guess that makes sense, I don't know...It's hard to sound sophisticated when you're shitting yourself. Sorry.

The enraged god opened her mouth to speak and I braced myself for the verbal thunderstorm that would no doubt erupt from the young girl. I was surprised instead to hear her submissively whisper, "I'm going home." and promptly snatch up her bag and storm out of the room.

When she was gone, the remaining brigade members all looked to one another again. Everyone looked concerned.

"It seems," Koizumi decided to explain, "that Miss Suzumiya had very high expectations for the film. As a fan of all things supernatural she expected a film about vampires to be very entertaining. Since it was against her expectations and admittedly rather terrible, Miss Suzumiya is quite upset."

"Quite upset? She had steam coming out of her ears! I think she's little bit more than upset!" Yeah I should have stayed calm but I'm the one who always ends up in strange situations when Haruhi has her mood swings so I have good reason to be agitated.

"What should we do?" Asahina asked, quivering in a way that was so adorable I had to force myself to look away before I accidentally picked her up and squeezed her like a python.

"Well...We either make our own horror movie with vampires to cheer her up...Or we cure her melancholy with something else..." I don't the like the way he grinned at me as he said that.

"What are you looking at me like that for?" I snarled. "What do you want me to do?"

"Remember the story of Snow White-"

"You swore you would never bring that up again!" I blurted out maybe a little bit too loudly.

Koizumi just chuckled, "Well any other suggestions."

We all looked around again, but none of us spoke. We had no leads to go upon other than those Koizumi had proposed and they both sounded ridiculous. Maybe we could just prepare ourselves for the inevitable closed space and take it from there?

Regardless of our decision, we all decided to head home. It was getting cloudy outside and none of us wanted to get stuck in a downpour.

As we headed out to the front gate and made our farewells, Asahina tugged at my sleeve. I looked down at her with a straight face, struggling to remain composed when I really couldn't resist the nervous expression on her face.

"Hey Kyon," she whispered so softly I had to strain my head to hear her, "I'm scared...What if Miss Suzumiya does what she did...Uh...That last time?"

"You mean when she tried to destroy the world and create a new one?" I ask, "Don't worry! If it comes to that I'll knock some sense into her!"

Miss Asahina, just like the innocent child she resembles, took that literally and her eyes narrowed. "Kyon! You can't-"

"I was kidding! Kidding! But trust me I'll sort it out." I think I'm trying harder to reassure myself than her, but it seems to get the job done. She forces a weak little smile, like a frail ray of sunshine on a stormy winter day. I can't help but feel all warm and fuzzy inside after that but thankfully Miss Asahina wanders off before she catches sight of my stupid day-dreaming expression (The one that Haruhi isn't too fond of)

Now, I know Twilight was a god-awful piece of crap. The plot was more childish than the jumbled mess of cross-word clues that served as a plot for our movie. The actors were even worse at their roles than our motionless mute monster, our cute and clumsy maid and our ever smiling, smug jackass who came dangerously close to kissing Miss Asahina! That's right Koizumi! I still haven't forgiven you, you sneaky bastard! But really, the actors in Twilight looked like they were picked out from a cheap nightclub and the bus stop outside. Even the dialogue (A horrendous problem with our movie) effortlessly surpassed the nauseating verbal diarrhoea spewing from their pale, sparkly lips.

Oh and that was the worst part of all. The sparkling vampires. Now I'm not an expert on vampire mythology...But I'm pretty sure none of them ever sparkled. Remember what I said earlier about things that sparkle? Well I really was right! The cartoon special effects that made our movie look so bad appeared like Hollywood block-buster stuff compared to the silly little sparkles they splashed onto the actor's flesh.

Needless to say it was an eyesore. It was crap. It was garbage. It was worse than Two-girls-one-cup (Which Haruhi had ordered us to watch last month, as a test of endurance) Even that had more believable acting in it and that's saying something. Now if you'll excuse me, I just threw up in my mouth a little and need to get a drink so I'll wrap this up. It was really, really bad. The worst film I'd ever seen.

But surely that wouldn't enrage Haruhi enough to create closed space and destroy the world right? I fearfully contemplated the answer as I tossed and turned in bed that night.

Haruhi said to review this story, otherwise heads would roll!