It's times like these when I wish I had a gun. No, I'm not feeling homicidal or anything. I'd much rather put a bullet to good use and lodge it deep within my brain. Aw, teenage suicide. I know it's a problem but seriously you don't understand what I have to deal with. I mean sure you've read this far but you have never met anyone like Haruhi and chances are you've never experienced anything this bad in your entire life.

Your problems are petty. I have a legitimate reason to be suicidal, especially after what just happened with Miss Asahina...

In case your memory is as weak as Haruhi's logic I'll fill you in. I'm stuck in a closed space (Don't ask what that is, I'm sure I've explained it before and if I haven't...Go ask Koizumi!) with not only the SOS Brigade, but the cast of this crappy movie Haruhi forced us to watch. It was called Twilight. Now various circumstances led to the adorable baby-faced mascot for our crappy, meaningless brigade, Miss Asahina fainting and with the gang moving on I volunteered to carry the graceful sleeping beauty to our next destination, like any gentleman would.

Unlike most gentlemen however, I lost sight of my better judgement and tried to take advantage of Miss Asahina's loss of consciousness by gently caressing her cheeks with my own, nuzzling her like Shamisen does to my sister at home. Yeah I know, you're probably scoffing at that right now aren't you, but you haven't been subjected to Miss Asahina's charms. There is nothing more bewitching than this clumsy little doll with the body of a supermodel, always with shy tears brimming in the corners of her eyes. Trust me, in my position you would have done the same...

...Unless you realised that she was actually awake at the time.

Yes, I misjudged the situation big time. Miss Asahina stared at me with wide eyes, like a deer fawn faced with a rifle barrel. She squealed ever so loudly and so suddenly that I panicked and...Kind of threw her across the hall. She hit the floor hard and in my haste to escape I too tripped and smacked my face on the floorboards. They are harder than they look, trust me, I know from experience. I have to fight back tears every time I breathe in.

Now this whole commotion had stirred every single inhabitant of the closed space and a veritable circus seemed to crowd around the time-travelling angel and I as we slowly sat up. Their stares were painful. What little semblance of pride and dignity that remained unscathed from my exhausting imprisonment under Haruhi's wing had now been washed away in a flood of shame.

It was bad enough that Koizumi was still smiling like a handsome jackass and Nagato had a barely readable expression as if nothing out of the ordinary had happened. It was even worse that the entire cast of that stupid movie were gawking at us like tourists on a sight-seeing tour. But worst of all...

Haruhi was there, eyes wide open. She must have come to after hearing the terrified screams of the SOS Brigades mascot/toy. This could end badly...Very badly.

I glanced over to Miss Asahina, whose face had turned so red it looked like she was going to explode, but please don't. I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I caused such a thing. She stole a quick glance and hastily jerked her head aside and looked away. In that brief moment where our gazes had met, I could tell she was afraid.

I turned back to Haruhi who wore an expression of disgust that looked as if she had just had to artificially inseminate a cow without gloves. She wanted to say something but for once in her life the fiery young girl was actually speechless. I don't know whether to view that as a great achievement or an omen for the end of the world...

"Well this is awkward," I muttered carelessly when the silence had stretched on for close to five minutes (Not that I was counting.) Everyone just stared at me as I'd told them I slept with their sister.

"Kyon..." Mikuru whispered, more terrified than ever. Before she could voice her fears, however, the grim reaper confirmed them as Haruhi practically exploded with rage. You'd think Haruhi's mood swings would not affect me as much, but I was really shitting myself at that moment.

I literally jumped like a frightened cat at the sound of her voice. My skin was crawling. Such a pretty girl and yet she had not only the capacity to destroy the world, but to scare young men senseless. I couldn't really tell if Haruhi was even using words. It just sounded like a dog barking to me but the others looked rather disturbed so maybe there was some kind of translation to her animalistic outburst.

The sparkling fairy boy was cowering in the corner, trembling uncontrollably. The other cast members had also managed to retreat to shady corners and hiding places to escape this crazy young girl's wrath.

It was at that point that I realised I shouldn't have been observing the reactions of the others and that I should have been concerning myself with...Well, myself...

Haruhi's small white hands clasped around my collar and dragged me up to my feet. I was expecting a punch but it never came, I just felt a tsunami of spittle as she yelled right in my face. I desperately wanted to wipe my face but refrained from doing so since any sudden movements might frighten this wild animal and cause her to strike.

So with no other choice I tried to decipher the thunderous roar escaping her gaping maw.

"-Have you no shame? You're a member of the SOS Brigade! I will not tolerate such insubordination from a lowly minion such as you!"

I wiped my face and then I glared at Haruhi. "What insubordination? What the hell are you going on about?"

If I'm right, she would not have seen what happened so she has no real reason to be angry. She'll pout and say "I don't know," and then she will shut up for a while and we can get this stupid mission over and done with so I can go back home and sleep!

Unfortunately, just because she didn't see that didn't mean she couldn't come up with a different excuse. She boldly puffed her chest out and yes I stared (I got slapped too...) and then she proudly declared, "Your Brigade Chief was unconscious and you were out playing in the halls rather than helping! Do you not care if your leader's life is in danger?"

Not really...Beside you weren't in danger, you were just flustered because of Nagato's new found interest.

Haruhi blushed like Miss Asahina often does and for a moment I actually fell for her charms. I almost lunged at her like a hungry beast but I managed to hold myself back after considering the possibly disastrous after-effects of such reckless actions.

Nagato didn't seem to mind; in fact her eyes seemed to sparkle like a false vampire's skin after being reminded of her little stroke of genius.

Koizumi stood back and watched the show for free with one of his cheesy smiles.

Miss Asahina was still on the floor and in fact it appeared she was about to collapse again after being reminded of Nagato's little stroke of genius.

I watched Haruhi's face as she flitted through about twelve different emotions in less than five seconds. She looked like a robot about to overload its systems and break down. I was wishing for that to happen but no, like the little steam engine that thought it could, she kept on going. Damn it!

She glared at me while stabbing an accusing finger at Edward who was curled up in the foetal position under a table. "Who the Hell is that? I'm the only one who can recruit new members!"

"Um..." Edward mumbled.

"Silence!" Haruhi snapped at him before whirling back around to face me. "And another thing! Why didn't you stop Yuki back there? I nearly suffocated!"

"Excuse me?" Edward raised his hand like a primary school student.

"Shut up!" Haruhi snarled. She turned back to me again, "Well?"

"Well you looked so cute as a couple I didn't want to interrupt. I never knew you two were so close."

In retrospect, teasing Haruhi was probably the worst possible thing to do. I realise that now. A shame it's too late. Her eyes blazed like minute suns and her mouth curled up into a vicious snarl. I swore I could see fangs. This doesn't look so good. Haruhi was clenching her fists so hard I could hear her knuckles cracking. Veins popped up on her arms and her body was trembling with rage.

I thought she was going to hit me. Instead she did something far worse.

"Sh-Shut up Kyon! I hope a vampire sucks you dry!"

Yes it sounded like the angry outburst of an imaginative child, but you see silly little things like that are far more serious when Haruhi Suzumiya is involved. In fact they seem to have a strange tendency of coming true. So now you understand why I'm worried...

Haruhi just signed my death warrant.

Review now or haruhi might just seal your fate too!