Sorry, it's been a while hasn't it? I was kind of distracted because, well I thought I was going to die. Actually, let me rephrase that for you: I'm going to die. Yep, that sounds about right.

So in case another recap is necessary (And if it is you really need to get your memory checked! You have more screws loose than Haruhi and that's saying something!) Here's a little reminder of my little taste of Hell thus far.

Haruhi rented a movie. It was called Twilight. It sucked, like really sucked. Enough to make someone want to destroy the entire world. And boy, what do you know? That's exactly what happened! Like a psychopathic toddler with a doomsday device Haruhi actually created a closed space just because of that movie, but here's the thing. The entire SOS Brigade was trapped inside and so were the cast of Twilight. Pretty messed up right? But it gets worse. Through a complete misunderstanding and possibly underlying reasons that frankly turn me on a little Nagato sort of...Well...

She made out with Haruhi. Not just an innocent, slightly tipsy, 'Oh let's just try it and see what happens' kind of kiss I'm talking about a full-on, unexpectedly aggressive tongue lashing from the otherwise emotionless humanoid interface. I think I just lost my place in the story again...

Oh that's right! Anyway, Haruhi passed out and when she finally came to I foolishly made fun of her and the unexpected encounter of the yuri kind, thinking my light-hearted jesting wouldn't foster much of a response other than my own selfish enjoyment.

I was wrong. Boy was I wrong. No, rather than take it with a pinch of salt, Haruhi practically sliced my arm off and pinched the salt over my wounds instead. Are you wincing? You should be because I think things were going to get messy. Really messy if my predictions were right. For you see, Haruhi obliviously snapped back to my (In my opinion) witty remarks with a death threat that when uttered by a certain hyperactive air-headed and criminally insane young girl/god mysteriously comes true.

Now guess what she said. Come on, guess! It's not too hard you just have to go back a fucking page! How lazy are you? Oh never mind, I'm doing a recap anyway. Well, Haruhi said to me with eyes alight like tiny little fires, "Shut up Kyon! I hope a vampire sucks you dry!"

You following me now? Yeah. I'm kind of screwed now aren't I? And such a shame too! I'm sure you were enjoying this, laughing at my misfortune. Laughing at my mistakes. Laughing at my nightmarish existence alongside Haruhi.

Well now it was all going to come to an end.

Vampire huh? I instinctively shot that supposed sparkling vampire a fierce glare and he backed away like a frightened child. He even whimpered like Shamisen does when it storms however unlike the talking fur ball there was no sympathy for this sappy little creature, especially if he was considering a taste test.

Now I remember that movie. I only vaguely drifted in and out of the poorly enacted farce but from what I remembered these generously entitled 'vampires' didn't actually drink human blood.

But Haruhi can be pretty convincing. In fact she can be really, really convincing. Why else would I be here right now? Okay maybe it was less about persuasion and more to do with dragging and abducting and...Okay Haruhi isn't convincing at all.

She's just forceful. Its times like these I'm glad the only member of the SOS Brigade that gets molested is Miss Asahina because frankly if she were to start doing that to me, she would be the man!

Oh god (Not you Haruhi!) I just realised...

I'm escaping reality again. Damn my thoughts, wandering about like a child at a train station, inevitably straying and getting lost.

I bring myself back to reality and find Haruhi seemed to have calmed down in the sense that she is no longer barking madly like a dog with rabies. But, and I must stress this, she did have a blazing fury in her eyes, a look of homicidal rage that had me cowering in fear. I sure hope she isn't the one who's going to bite me! She's menacing enough without pointy fangs and a thirst for blood. Speaking of blood, is she really this angry just because of my little comment or – Actually on second thought I don't even want to think about that.

It appeared I was talk of the town at that point. Haruhi was still glaring at me, but seriously Haruhi get over it! Do you even realise that acting this way might make Nagato upset?

…

No. You wouldn't think of things and like that and...Nagato still hasn't moved. She'd make a great statue busker but as a companion she's really lacking. I think her eyelids twitched, but that might have just been a trick of the light.

Mikuru was no longer embarrassed about my little escapade earlier and that's a relief. In fact even better, she looked quite concerned. Concerned about me! Ah, Miss Asahina your frightened little face is as warm as your precious tea...

Uh...What happened? Sorry I'm losing track a lot. I must be autistic. God and I thought Haruhi was the one with a mental problem!

Anyway Koizumi was, that's right you guessed it. He was smiling. That same fake, overly joyful despite the bad situation and completely infuriating smile! Stop it! Stop smiling before I knock out those pearly white teeth of yours you arrogant son of a-

"Hey!" Haruhi snapped, "Leave Koizumi out of this! Going against your leader is one thing but to fight amongst your comrades as well...You are the worst kind of person! Minus fifty points for you!"

"What are you even talking about?"

Haruhi seems taken aback by my question. I consider whether I may have crossed the line again when she makes a strange face and replies quite hesitantly, "Points? What did you think I was talking about?"

Do you have a gun? I could use one right now. No, don't worry I'm not going to risk the future of the human race and shoot Haruhi, no, no I'm just going to off myself instead.

"I'm not talking about the points, I'm talking about...Well I don't know really but-"

"Then what are you wining for?" Again Haruhi eloquently interrupts me, "Stop being a nuisance and step back into line!"

"No! I don't care about your stupid little crusade! I just want to go home!"

"How dare you! We have a chance to explore something really weird and you want to run home?"

"Um...Excuse me?" Edward piped up.

"WE'RE NOT TALKING TO YOU!" We managed to both yell in unison. I would have said great minds think alike but Haruhi is far from great. She's an idiot with not just a capital I, but also the 'D', the 'I', the 'O' and the 'T'. Anyway the stupid and shameful excuse for a vampire steps back and Haruhi and I resume our little stand-off.

We continue to argue but honestly I wasn't even paying attention to her and I really wasn't thinking through what I was saying. Most of it was just jumbled words that I'm sure if you join the dots would form some kind of valid argument in my defence. Throughout it all though I thought I heard a strange noise, like a shrill scream, but I was distracted by Haruhi spitting in my face as she roared like a mentally deficient lion.

After a while I realised it was Miss Asahina who was causing the noise and I also realised she was tugging at my sleeve like an innocent child begging for help. I turned to her so suddenly she just about had a heart-attack and collapsed in my arms. In the back of my mind I was squealing like a fan-boy but on the outside I put on an air of seriousness and tried to address her problem with what little attention I had left that wasn't rerouted to the petite young time-traveller's breasts rubbing up against my arm.

"Miss Asahina, what's wrong?"

"It-It-It-It-It's..." She stammered on, unable to form words. I was slightly amused when I heard her say 'tit' which just reminded me of my arm and then for a moment I lost all composure. Thankfully I lapsed back into consciousness again just around the time when Miss Asahina could remember how to speak.

"It's Miss Nagato! She's...She's gone berserk!"

Boy she wasn't lying...

The room which once housed the entire cast of that shitty movie Twilight, was now a butcher-shop. Blood soaked the walls in a sloppy and horrendous pain job. Half the cast were dead, in fact dead was an understatement. They were messed up. Throats were torn asunder, limbs torn, off guts pulled, heads decapitated, the works! There was no way in Hell they were going to get back up, vampire or not.

But that wasn't the worst part. In the middle of it, amidst the sea of carnage, there stood a young girl with a vacant expressionless face. Her eyes betrayed no emotion and her round little face, like an exquisitely carved porcelain doll was spattered with fresh blood. Her lips were ruby red, still dripping. Thin red trails dribbled down her chin and stained her uniform. She looked up at me and just stared, examining me like a doctor would.

"Nagato..." I tried to talk but much like Miss Asahina I couldn't really think of anything to say. I searched my mind for something, anything to say but rather than a response I just remembered something else instead. You might remember not long ago something Haruhi had said to me. A little something like, "I hope a vampire sucks you dry!"

Well this was it.

Nagato was the vampire!

I'm sorry I can't write more right now but you see I'm quite busy running for my fucking life!