My life was once normal. The key word there was 'once'. Now, everything is wrong. Everything is confusing and out of this world (Literally in some cases) I could fill about eleven light novels with the kind of crap I've had to put up with since encountering Haruhi Suzumiya. In fact they would probably even make an anime adaption, sweeping the world and having fans demanding a second and third season. I'd probably even have enough tales left over to make a movie!

Anyway I'll skip to the ending since I'd much sooner die before finishing a recap at this point. So suffice to say, my very life depends on the inevitable outcome of a one-sided duel between what has been labelled a vampire but really is too pathetic to even be classed as a human, and a young girl who could unwittingly destroy the entire world over something as trivial as losing a card game or watching a bad movie. Truth be told it was after watching the visual abomination entitled 'Twilight' that Haruhi had brought us to this silent Hell known as a closed space. Everything we tried to return to our own world had thus far ended in failure and now the only option left to us seemed to be slaying the chicken-shit vampire princess.

I would have gladly taken part in the beating, but I'm on the verge of certain death. Miss Asahina would never have taken part anyway, but she's also excused since she's currently unconscious. I think she fainted when Nagato first dug her cute little fangs into my throat. Koizumi is perfectly able to participate but he seems to be in a state of shock at the moment. He's probably shitting himself ever since I kind of gave away Haruhi's little secret.

She didn't really understand what I said but part of it did sink in nonetheless. A mental wall might have blocked much of my message but I know something sank in. Something seeped down deep into her subconscious and convinced her that only she could fix this mess!

Haruhi rushed to meet her opponent but at the last second she stopped, craning her neck to glance at me over her shoulder. I cheered for her, albeit as weak as a sick kitten, but she still smiled and nodded. Then, she was off, running full-tilt towards the vampire menace.

Edward curled up into a ball but unlike an armadillo he had absolutely no protection from Haruhi's wrath so at the last second he unfurled himself from his little ball and rose to his full high which was just about equal to Haruhi. Haruhi slowed down and came to a halt before her foe who drew back his hand and splayed all the fingers of his right hand. In a blur of motion he raked his nails across her forearm and...

That was it really.

"Ow!" Haruhi yelped recoiling slightly. She looked down to her arm where thin white trails were left from where the baking flour had rubbed off of Edward's pale little hands. She dusted it off and glared at the little bastard.

For a moment they were just staring at each other and then out of nowhere Haruhi delivered a thunderous open palm slap. I've been slapped by Haruhi before and I know for a fact that it can really hurt, but this...This was insane! I saw blood!

Edward was thrown through the air, slamming into the window which would have easily smashed and ended this whole thing if Nagato still wasn't screwing around with the Closed Space's border. So instead of plummeting to his death, Edward just bounced off and hit the floor-boards with a heavy thud.

Haruhi was already panting, that slap must've taken a lot out of her. She huffed and puffed like a wolf outside one of the three little pig's houses. Her eyes were alight like fire and I swear there was an aura around her of pale blue light. I could have been hallucinating but part of me believes my eyes aren't deceiving me.

"You...You caused this all!" Haruhi snarled, "You hurt all of my friends and trapped me here in this weird place!"

Well actually- Oh never mind...

"You're not even that strong! You're a pathetic vampire! Even Kyon could beat you!"

Hey now, I'm right here next to you. And what do you mean by 'Even Kyon'? Are you calling me weak? Because if you are then spot on, but still don't say it aloud! I can point out all my faults with a straight face but when a beautiful girl is pointing them out it really hurts. Oh fuck, I'm escaping reality yet again! I need therapy or something. But first I guess I should make it out of here alive. Yeah, that might be wise...

Haruhi was still yelling and I can't believe how much of a relief it is to not be on the receiving end of her verbal assault for once. A contented sigh breezes out of me but a body-wracking cough soon follows, catching her attention. Haruhi spins on her heels to face me and I meet her gaze. I can't really speak right now since I'm choking on blood and foamy spittle but I command her with my steely gaze.

Leave me. Do what you have to do.

She struggles with the decision and in her indecisive state Edward takes the advantage and sweeps his leg out to catch her on the shin. Haruhi falls flat on her face and I guiltily glance up her skirt as she does so. I have no idea why but that alone seems to give me hope.

While both were on the ground they grapple and I can't help but stare. It's like mud wrestling except only one of the girls is hot. Anyway Haruhi put Edward into a headlock and his milky white cheeks soon go bright pink. He chokes out feeble insults and slaps her wrists but it does little to throw her off. The wily vampire then took a different approach and closed his eyes.

I thought he was dead, I really did. But then I saw it...

Sparkles!

Haruhi leapt back and screamed, "Argh! It burns!" In the melee Edward rose to his feet and smirked like an arrogant prick. It was a hundred times worse than Koizumi's smile and this wasn't fake either. It was just a purely undeserved display of pure egotism.

Oh if I could move right now I would wipe that smile clean off your face! You're lucky I'm incapacitated! But guess what pal, Haruhi isn't.

The vengeful god rose to her feet, lifted by some otherworldly force and once again enveloped in that unexplained pale blue aura, only this time it was blazing. Haruhi clenched her fists and took up a fighting stance. Edward did the same and then they both charged head on.

Edward kept on running, barely able to react as Haruhi leapt high up off of the ground and flew through the air towards him. She straightened out horizontally and stretched out her legs. The two collided with a sonic boom and a powerful shockwave spread outwards, this time shattering all the windows in the hall and throwing the door to the club room so far back that it went through the back window.

The weak-willed vampire was flung back by the explosive force and landed in a heap by my side. He gazed up at me dazedly and then quickly returned his attention to his fearsome opponent. His nose seemed to have caved in on itself and he was sneezing blood all over himself. A hideous black eye was already welling up and both cheeks were red and raw. The self-raising flour had been stripped away revealing only slightly different tone. He was still as pale as an albino even without the cheap crappy make-up, but most of that was now marred by the horrible cuts and bruises all over.

Edward gurgled and cried worthlessly as Haruhi stalked her victim. She was giggling to herself as she neared him and as she towered over the pitiful creature sobbed and begged for his life. Haruhi answered by stomping on his chest. He gagged and wheezed as the air was knocked out of him and then hopelessly sagged down onto the floor. He was as good as dead. But there were no surprises there. A dropkick from Haruhi was like a point blank shot from a 50 calibre sniper rifle.

That was good to hear, but seriously I just hope she hurries up with this, I don't know how much longer I can hold out...

Haruhi stared down at me, at the bloodless body lying before her. She frowned and fir a moment I thought she had already given up on me, but then she whispered ever so softly, "It's my fault...I did this...Be careful what I wish for..."

Oh boy. The moment of truth had arrived. Haruhi was finally considering my words. Well I might as well pack it in and call it game over then. I'm a goner now. But hey, it's not just me; all life will soon be extinct. This entire world will probably collapse in on itself and like a phoenix, re-emerge from our ashes. This was it.

"Kyon...I think I get it now..."

Here it comes.

"This is my world."

Apocalypse in five, four, three, two, one...

"Because it's only a dream!"

Huh?

"Yeah! This must be one of those lucid dreams where I control everything that happens!"

"Uh, yes it is Miss Suzumiya! This is a lucid dream!" Koizumi finally snapped out of his trance.

But revelations aside, I'm still dying over here.

Haruhi smiled that smile I always dreaded. "Oh no you're not!" she decreed. Haruhi waved her hand around as if she were a magician and giggled like the innocent schoolgirl she should have been. "Alright Kyon, on the count of three you will become a vampire! One!"

Hang on!

"Two!"

What are you doing?

"Three!"

Wait-

"Now Kyon, feed upon this worthless soul!" She kicked Edward over to me and started howling with maniacal laughter.

Edward stared at me, trying ever so hard to get the puppy-eyes look but failing miserably. I sagged forward and grabbed the sparkling vampire by his hair, dragging him up to be eye level with me. Without even thinking I spread my lips wide and bit down into his throat. Then I drank.

I couldn't stop since Haruhi had willed me to sustain myself on his tainted blood, but it was bloody awful (Ha ha, get it? Bloody awful? Blood? Oh go die in a hole!) Anyway, Edward's blood tasted absolutely disgusting, like sea water and sewerage. Still, I felt much better as I drank. I could feel blood coursing through my veins once again. I could move my fingers, my toes, my arms, my legs. I felt wonderful, like I had just woken up from a power nap.

I don't know how long I was there, draining the mewling little vampire but eventually I felt his weak resistance give in and his body went slack. Knowing full well that he was dead I dropped him carelessly to the floor and wiped my lips before pushing myself up to my feet and standing for the first time in what had felt like an eternity.

"So...He's dead." I mumble awkwardly.

"Yes, he is." Koizumi confirms it by prodding him with his toes. Sure enough Edward didn't move.

"Edward Cullen has been pronounced deceased as of now." Nagato added, still drenched in blood.

Miss Asahina slowly returned to consciousness, but upon seeing the carnage around her quickly passed out again.

And last but not least, Haruhi seemed quite proud of herself and flashed us all a beaming smile before everything suddenly went black...

Don't miss the final chapter! If you do, Haruhi will dropkick you too!

Now review! If you don't Edward might just come back!