Disclaimer: Yes. I am JK Rowling. I suddenly realized that I'd done everything wrong in the Harry Potter series, promptly rewrote it and posted it on fanfiction dot net. Where I don't make a cent off of it.
True story.
Chapter 1
King's Cross Station was chaos.
Not just the typical hubbub of commuting, no. Today had a distinct chaoticness that could only be caused by magic and muggle meeting.
Harry sighed as he finished off his last smoke of the day.
He'd seen The-Boy-Who-Bloody-Lived-to-be-a-Jerk Longbottom pass by a few minutes ago, along with his entourage, so he supposed it was safe for him to follow. But still. It was a long ride to Hogwarts and the odds of him getting a carriage to himself was slim-to-none.
But, his late parents had paid for him to go to a fancy school, so he would go to the bloody fancy school.
At least he'd get to learn some more this year because, sure, he knew some parlour tricks and could probably give even the most pure blooded brat a run for their money when it came down to everyday magic and defensive tricks, but he wanted to know more.
His thirst for knowledge was insatiable enough to enamour him to Hermione Granger. The resident know-it-all.
The thought of Hermione made him smile as he hefted his duffel bag over his shoulder and headed for the magical barrier which would deposit him onto platform nine-and-three-quarters.
The train was puffing like a chain smoker after a marathon, the various metal parts clanking like an arthritic person in winter. Harry jogged up to one of the back doors and, quickly thinking himself invisible, moved effortlessly through the crowd of wailing first years and their families.
He swung himself into the carriage door, looking right and left before he headed for the last carriage. After checking the compartment for any sign of life- unlikely, since it was rumoured to be haunted, a rumour he himself had started in his first year- he slid open the door and shoved his bag into the luggage rack above his head, briefly touching the attached tag to turn it invisible.
Then he settled himself into the seat and pulled out his runic text- a bit of extra reading that Cassandra, a regular at the Claw and Dragon, and a arithmancer- had given him as tip once she'd realized his passion for the subject.
He had been too busy to read it in the summer, but now he had nine months to get through it before she would expect any feedback from him.
However, he hardly had any time to get into the text because his compartment door was swung unceremoniously open.
His wand was out and ready to chase off any stupid first years or trouble makers but instead he was faced with a frizzy haired, brown eyed fifteen year old girl.
"Harry?" She asked, stretching her hand out blindly.
Hermione Granger let out a little shriek when he materialized a few inches from her questing hand. He rolled his eyes at her silliness and she stuck out her tongue at him.
"Very funny, Harry. Oooh, what are you reading? De Loghi's 'A Treatise on Runes and Alchemical Balances'? Sounds fascinating! You always get the most interesting books and such, it makes me wish I could live in the magical world permanently..." Here she finally took a breath and fell onto one of the seats as Harry watched her with a raised eyebrow. "Phew! It's been a long holiday- I missed having intelligent conversations about magic. Which is why I can't wait for this year to start! We get to do a research project in arithmancy this year- for our OWLs. I'm so excited! Aren't you? Of course you are, it's not like you're Ron or Neville... Don't give me that look!"
At the mention of those names Harry's face had gone from amused to stormy in milliseconds.
"Look, I know you don't like them, but they are my friends too you know. And they're not as bad as you make them." There was a pinched sort of look to her face now, and Harry made a face which Hermione- through years of silent friendship- understood to mean 'let's not talk about those asshats, ok?'. She gave him a tremulous sort of smile, before it turned more genuine as she dove into the bag at her feet. "Well, any way, Neville and Ron's Dad got us all tickets to the quidditch world cup over the summer and look! I brought you some gifts!"
She smiled as she held out the two items to Harry. The one was a fully working figurine of all star Victor Krum and the other... was a pair of binoculars? Harry gleefully took the Krum figurine but he gave the binoculars a puzzled look.
"Oh! These are brilliant! They're called Omninoculars and they record everything you look at- I recorded the entire match for you on those!" She beamed at him. Harry felt a lump form in his throat- she'd thought of him amongst all the fame and fortune and excitement.
"And since we were in the top box due to Neville's contacts I got you some brilliant shots and..."
"HERMIONE! Merlin damn it, where is she? I need to copy her potions homework..."
For the second time that day Hermione found herself looking at empty space moments before Neville Longbottom and Ron Weasley pulled back the door to the compartment. Longbottom frowned at her.
"What are you doing in here? Isn't this the so-called 'haunted compartment'?"
"Uhhhhhh... Yes. But I had to come in here because... I... was in the... bathroom and... I saw... Malfoy! Yes- Malfoy- coming my way. So I ducked in here to get away from him." Hermione flustered.
"Ohhhhhh... Makes sense." Weasley nodded.
"Yeah. That pale faced git. Now come on, I need to copy your assignment."
"Okay! Be right there!" Hermione smiled at them, picking up her bag and slinging it over her shoulder.
There was a soft swish of fabric as she felt something being put in her pocket and when she checked it just as they were about to stop at Hogsmead station she found a little scribbled "Thank you".
She smiled fondly at the note before she ushered the children out and began her prefect duties.
HP-BaB-HP
Harry stared in horror at the plate in front of him.
It was heaped with an obscene amount of food.
He was pretty sure he'd never finish it. It had to weigh more than he did.
One look at the girl opposite him, however, was enough to let him know that he'd have no choice. And the girl who sat next to him had an equally determined look on her face.
Daphne Greengrass and Millicent Bullstrode were determined to fatten him up.
And there was nothing he could do about it.
With a silent sigh, Harry set about emptying the plate in front of him, and he could see the girls relax their postures. That was his sign to begin to methodically cut up his food, mashing together the things he knew he wouldn't get around to finishing and moving them to the sides to make it seem as if he had eaten more than he had.
The girls, meanwhile were discussing their summers in detail (Daphne had gone to France, Millie had been stuck in family gatherings).
When Dumbledore finally got to his feet to make the year's announcements Harry had been glared at and told to 'eat up!' at least eight times, and had to make a mash of most of his food. He really hoped the house elves didn't decide to banish him from the kitchens because he demolished their food... that would be terrible.
A gasp from Daphne and Millicent brought him back from his dreamworld. He raised his eyebrows at them, but got a rude shush just in time to hear the tail end of the announcement.
Something about only people over seventeen being able to enter some stupid contest?
Not that it mattered. He was only fifteen, and he had no need to enter any stupid contest. What would it get him? Attention was not something he wanted. He was perfectly happy with just cruising through the shadows.
The scraping of chairs drew his attention to the fact that people were leaving the hall and he rushed to get out of his seat as well. Daphne was looking pensive, Millie was looking a bit flustered but Draco Malfoy was looking livid as he made his way over to Harry.
Harry startled as Draco snarled "Can you believe it?" at him.
At a loss for why, exactly, this competition made Draco so angry Harry shrugged.
"I mean- seriously? A Triwizard Tournament? What's the use? And because of it quidditch is cancelled! Fuck!" He ran a pale hand through his blonde hair.
Oh. Quidditch was being cancelled due to this stupid thing.
"And of course, no slytherin will make it into the competition. We all know this." Daphne murmured at his side.
True. Everyone knew that Slytherin would never stand a chance in hell.
Draco growled in annoyance. "That's it. House meeting in the Fifth year commons. Spread the word."
Harry and the girls nodded and Draco went ahead to inform Pancy and the rest.
"This stinks." Millie said in her quiet, steady voice.
"You're telling me? Without quidditch, what do I have to live for? People to call me names and assume I'm going to stab them in the back? Sometimes being a Slytherin sucks."
"Sometimes it sucks big, hairy balls." Blaise Zabini cut into the conversation, his face grim. "This is so unfair."
Harry's mouth formed a grim line as he took in the despondency that permeated even the little first years. He was used to being ousted, but most of his housemates were used to being only children and as such the centre of attention.
Not to mention- it was unfair to oust pretty much all the other houses and children under seventeen.
Still. It wasn't his fight or his business.
The eerie glow of the general common room met them all as they opened the wall- the greenish glow of the lamps and the skulls gave off a distinctly unwelcome atmosphere.
One of the firsties squealed like a little girl when he unexpectedly came face to face with one of the skull lamps and the older students took a few minutes to enjoy the general discomfort of the newcomers before Terence Higgs took pity on them.
"Would you Firsties relax- this is just the general common room. And the skulls and eerie lighting are just to keep nosy parkers either out, or ignorant of the true nature of our House. Through there you'll see your year common room- see?" He opened the door to the first years' part of the House to reveal an opulent room behind it.
"Now for Merlin's sake sit down and let's wait for Professor Snape." Draco drawled.
The atmosphere while they were waiting for Professor Snape's beginning of the year lecture was downright oppressive.
So Harry decided to put his parlour tricks to good use by conjuring little neon dragons that flew around in the common room and caused the firsties to squeal when they nested in their hair.
"Ahem. Mister Potter, if you are quite finished with your childish shenanigans?" Snape's silky smooth voice washed over them all, causing all eyes to move to the front of the room and Harry to duck his head in embarrassment as his dragons disintegrated.
"Very well. As you have just heard, this school shall be playing host to the Triwizard Tournament. This shall involve a great slice of socializing, even for those who do not take part in it. And I believe we are all aware that the House of Slytherin shall most probably not take part in this Tournament directly."
Snape eyed his wards carefully as he said these words and he was able to see the resentment build in some of their eyes.
"However, we are the House of Slytherin, and as such our social skills far exceed those of Gryffindors, Hufflepuffs and Ravenclaws. Even for those of us not competing in this competition, the opportunity to weave a greater social web is too great to be ignored. So we shall use this oppurtunity to the fullest. Agreed?"
"Yes Professor." The older children chorused, leaving the first years looking bewildered and lost.
"Good. Then I shall remind those older- and tell those who are new- that these are the rules of my House: Firstly, there shall be no Gryffindor-ish antics here. We are a dignified and intelligent House. Secondly: If you have a problem, no matter how small, you are to take it to your prefects. If they are unable to help you, then the problem will be brought to my attention. Under no circumstances are you to go running helter skelter into some sort of trouble, and you are not to try and handle more than you can on your own. Thirdly: you are not to have any disagreements with your housemates outside of these walls. We have enough opposition from the other houses without infighting. To the rest of the school we are an unbreakable unit- understood?"
"Yes Professor." They all chorused, with a few of the first years being out of sync, but generally as a unit.
"Good. Now go to bed- tomorrow is the first day of classes and I expect to see you all bright eyed and bushy tailed in the great hall at six for breakfast. That's six am sharp."
This was met by a chorus of good natured groans from the older students and a slight quirk of Snape's lips.
"Mister Malfoy, Mister Potter, I need to talk to you."
The two boys shared a look before going and joining their professor at the entrance to the general common room.
"I need the two of you to keep clear heads amongst all of this- you especially Draco. As prefect you cannot instigate anything. This is not something we can fight against. Encourage the others to see this as a networking opportunity."
Harry nodded- this seemed a tad bit trivial to him. Though he could understand his housemates' point of view.
Draco was not so easily convinced but a long look from his godfather caused him to nod grudgingly.
"Good. Now- to bed." And with that Snape was gone in a swirl of black.
"Okay Firsties- you heard Professor Snape- off to bed with you!" Draco snapped.
The first years trudged off grudgingly, whilst Harry and Draco headed for their year's common room.
That was the great thing about Slytherin, it was built on a completely different floor plan to the other Houses. In each one there were eight double rooms, all linked to a circular common room that belonged to that year only, with its own fireplace, desks and chairs.
The common room was shared between the girls and boys, since the year rooms were all linked. Since there were so few of them in their year, Harry had ended up with his own room, so had Draco. Crabbe and Goyle shared a room, so did Blaise and Theodore.
The girls all had rooms to themselves. Which they of course loved.
When they entered the fifth year common room they were greeted by the sight of all the second years up sitting at attention, with hushed whispers passing between them.
They all turned their attention to Harry and Draco once Draco cleared his throat though.
"Well- what did the Professor say?" Pansy demanded immediately.
"He said we should see this as a networking opportunity, not a punishment or a setback."
"And? Are we going to do that?" Tracey Davis demanded.
"I don't see that we have a choice, do you?" Draco demanded.
"Merlin damn it. We all know that some Gryffindor is going to get it. And what do we get? Nothing. No quidditch, nothing." One of the seventh years spat.
"Well..." Daphne said, thoughtfully.
"Well what?" Pansy snarled.
"I'm just saying, if I were betting, I'd bet on Cedric Diggory. Not some Gryffindork."
A thoughtful silence met this statement.
"You know, you could have a point Greengrass." Malfoy murmured.
"A Hufflepuff..." Pansy's grin was distinctly predatory- like a shark at a buffet.
"Now there's a thought I could sink my teeth into." Blaise smirked.
"Ah, their faces when they lose to some whiny Hufflepuff..." Terence Higgs grinned.
Even Harry had to smirk at that thought. Longbottom coming second to someone? Definitely worth the loss of quidditch- after all, there was an age limit to this whole charade.
"Oh, this is brilliant! Think of all the songs we could make about this! 'Weasley is our King' has nothing on this gold mine!" Urquhart waxed, pulling out his ever present notebook and quill.
No one had any doubt that by the end of the week he'd have at least five potential songs written. All with the sure sight of riling up the Little-Prick-Who-Lived.
It never really payed to incite Slytherin.
Vaisey, meanwhile leaned in to Urquhart, "We should add Weaselby, and Finnigan, but it should be subtle digs... No, I think the whole quidditch thing's been done."
"You're right- we want it to still be able to work in next year's games..."
So while the two of them got down to writing some hard core ditties, the rest of the Slytherins came up with other ideas to poke and prod at the volatile Gryffindor tempers...
Hey, they had to get a kick out of something, and Gryffindor baiting was quite a rush.
"Okay- so we'll get the Firsties to help with the badges, because really, they're too young to be of any other use without their sarcasm and wit lessons..." Daphne nodded, looking at her list.
"And those can only come after we've taught them etiquette and dancing..." Draco murmured.
"Still, we've got a pretty good plan in the works here." Teddy- as he was affectionately known amongst the Snakes- nodded.
"Exactly. And as Professor Snape said- this is an excellent networking opportunity. We should see it as such."
"Ah, yes. Another great year of Slytherin shenanigans."
A murmur followed this statement, and Harry gave her a huge smile and a thumbs up. Funnily enough it made her blush, but before Harry could ponder this too much, Vaisey got up and stretched. "Well okay then, I'm going to bed. Six am isn't too far away."
Groans sounded from all around the common room as everyone got up and started heading for their rooms. Harry had just turned to head for his own room when he felt a petite hand on his shoulder, when he turned around it belonged to Daphne.
"I just wanted to say goodnight." She said, with her huge green eyes fixed on him, and a little smile on her lips.
Harry smiled back at her as he made a 'you too' gesture. She blushed again at this but was sudddenly pushed aside by Millicent who promptly hugged Harry.
It took all his self discipline not to punch her out of pure reflex.
"Night Harry!" She purred and Harry gave her an awkward pat on the back in return.
When he turned to look for Daphne she was gone, so he headed for his empty room.
Still, it wasn't long before his restless night caught up with him and he was asleep before his head even hit the pillow.
HP-BaB-HP
A/N: Whoo! Would you look at that- two updates in as many days. Don't get used to this, I reached my three chapter buffer and decided to put this out early. (Thank you disease for gettting me a week off of uni.)
That said, I am high on prescription meds, so forgive any errors. And thank you for all your supportive reviews and alerts.
Now for a shameless plug: If you like this tale, then you may enjoy my original fiction works. They are available at fictionpress. My pen name is 'sniggering doodles'. End of shameless plug. ;D