A/N: Hey! I think this was the slowest update I have ever done…aha sorry about that. So, I'm sorry about the wait! Awkward word structures, writers block, and the fact that I accidentally deleted this chapter before did not help! yes guys, i'm so stupid, I accidentally deleted this chapter, so I had to re write it :( No, I did not lose interest in this story! Far from it! There's an important authors note at the bottom ;) Read and review please!

Disclaimer: Here we are again...

Demented and Deranged

Summary:

Clare Edwards is an inmate at a Women's Correctional Facility in Toronto. She has caught the eye of a raven haired, new jail guard, Eli Goldsworthy. Little does Eli know is that tiny, blue eyed Clare Edwards is in jail for murder and attempted murder. Clare has a mission in life, not to impress the cute jail guard or to kill, but to make a difference and make a statement.

"Clare, wake up." Clare groaned and laid face down on her pillow. "Clarebear, it's time to wacky uppppp!" Bianca said in a baby voice. It was friday, a rainy friday morning and according to the weather man, it was going to be raining all weekend long.

It was also the day the guards had to check building 8 level 4 cells for any weapons or products that could be used as weapons. Such as razors, toothbrushes, or any sharp things that could possibly be used as a weapon. Clare's birthday was on monday and everything was set up. Eli had started planning as soon as he got all the information and approval that he needed. It wasn't easy, but he wanted to make Clare's twentieth birthday, the best birthday she ever had.

Bianca pinched Clare's tiny nose and laughed when Clare opened her eyes in fury. Clare said, "Fine, fine! I'm up!" Bianca laughed and began to fix her bed. Clare sat up and ran her hands over her face. She ended up laying back down and just stayed there for a couple seconds, trying to wake up her relaxed body.

Clare groaned and looked at the calendar that Bianca had asked her cousin to send. It was a normal calendar with a huge red circle on the twenty four. Clare stared at the day when her birthday would soon arrive. She dreaded it.

Eli was super excited for Clare's birthday. He knew she wasn't expecting anything big, but he made sure she didn't know. During the interaction room days he would not ask about her plans for her birthday, but simply ask what she wanted. She gave him the same answer every single time. It was also the answer she planned on sticking to until her birthday was done and over with.

She would always tell him that all she wanted was to see her mom and Alli and that was it. Eli had a gift that she wasn't even going to expect.

oooooooooooo

Eli and his partner Ryan got onto Clare and Bianca's hall. They had literally spent the whole day checking cell's making sure everything was safe and nothing in the cell was harmful.

So far, Eli and Ryan and the rest of the guards who were doing searches found toothbrushes sharped to the point were it can be a knife, razors and matches. They also food contraband alcohol in tiny bottles, weed and cigarettes. Weapons were hidden in tiny crevices of the cell and stuffed into mattresses and other places were you wouldn't suspect weapons would be.

Eli and Ryan started searching through Clare and Bianca's cell. Ryan looked at Eli as he looked through Bianca's bed. Ryan was looking by the area where the calendar was. He saw that Clare's birthday was on monday. Ryan noticed a picture of Clare and Bianca on the pin board and he looked at Clare.

"So, is this the Clare everyone says your'e involved with?" Ryan asked. Eli looked up and nodded, "Yeah." he said in response. Eli didn't want to come off as needing Clare or anything like that. He knew the rules, he wasn't supposed to get infatuated with any of the inmates. It was a rule and he didn't want to get fired.

Ryans nodded and whispered, "It's okay if you want her. Everyone does." Eli scrunched his eyebrows and look at him. "What do you mean everyone wants her?"

Ryan checked to see if anyone was watching and he whispered to Eli, "Everyone wants Clare Edwards. A lot of people are interested in her. Even the guards from the male jail across town." Eli scratched his head in confusion, "How do they know about Clare if she's all the way over here?" Ryan shrugged and said, "News travels fast when a good looking girl like her checks in."

Eli nodded and continued on with his work. Ryan and Eli didn't find anything out of the ordinary except they had to confiscate their razors for shaving. Ryan checked off Clare and Bianca's cell as approved. When Ryan moved to the next jail cell, Eli left a note on Clare's bed and left to finnish checking the rest of the cell's he and Ryan were assigned.

ooooooooooooo

Clare and Bianca were sitting in the cafeteria eating lunch with Adelais and Amabell. Adelais kept on asking Clare what the interaction room was like. Clare answered her questions with a very nonchalant attitude. She wasn't going to lie to them and tell them it was the best thing.

Instead she told them it was calming and all she does there is talk to Eli. When Clare mentioned Eli, Amabell started

going crazy and talking in spanish. She kept going on and on about how hot he was and any girl who gets with him is a lucky bitch. Clare couldn't help but giggle.

The entire lunch Clare, Bianca, Adelais and Amabell were just talking about party plans for Clare's birthday. When Clare's birthday was mentioned Clare immediately frowned. She didn't want to talk about her birthday. If she couldn't spend it with the two most important people in her life, she wasn't even going to pretend she would enjoy it.

In Clare's cell before going to bed

Clare and Bianca walked into their cell at 9:00 at night after working in the yard. They had been doing yard work all day. Clare and Bianca were now two shades darker. They had been working in the yard all day long and finally got back into the cell after having a tiresome dinner.

Bianca fell on her bed and groaned, "ugh, most horrible day ever." Clare climbed up onto her bed and closed her eyes. She fell onto the bed with a thud and then felt something poking her stomach. She slowly lift up and pulled out the letter Eli had left her that day.

She cocked an eyebrow and laid on her back and opened the letter. She could already hear Bianca's light snores and started to chuckle. Clare yawned and started to read.

Hey there Edwards! So i'm not gonna be at work tomorrow. I'm off on saturday and sunday, you know that. So, yeah I won't be seeing you until monday! I mean birthday! Excited? You better be. haha, if your'e wondering how I got this letter in your cell, I was searching your room. I'm sure you have nothing illegal in there… well, I shall see you on monday! Make sure you dress presentable! I'm taking you to visit someone by the window. Okay, have a good weekend, Edwards.

-Eli

Clare smiled and put the letter back in the envelope and quickly went to bed afterwards. The next two days are going to be the longest days for her. She went to bed that night wondering who would be visiting her.

Eli's apartment

"Adam! What are you doing?" Eli walked in and saw that Adam was eating cake instead of helping him clean up the apartment. Adam's face was covered with chocolate icing and he his eyes just screamed guilty.

"Uhm, eating cake?" Eli sighed and took the cake from Adam's possession and put it back in the fridge. He was stressing out because neither Alli or Helen called him back saying they were going to the jail to visit Clare. His original gift was in his closet for safe keeping.

The problem was that he told Clare someone was going to be visiting her for her birthday. If none of them didn't call him back soon, Eli would be lying. He was pacing around his apartment kitchen with a worried expression.

Adam was sitting on the kitchen stool and was looking at his friend. Adam rolled his eyes at Eli how was on the verge of breaking. He pulled out his cell phone and called up Fiona.

"Hey Fiona? Yeah, come over to Eli's and bring your laptop, the boy is freaking out." Eli looked confused and was about to ask why he invited Fiona over. Adam put his hands up and told him to just wait.

"Just bring it okay? yeah, see you in ten." Adam hung up his phone and smiled a cheesy smile at Eli. Eli looked bewildered and shot his hands up in the air and walked to his bedroom. Adam shook his head, took out the cake, and then went to watch T.V. in the living room.

By the time Fiona came to the apartment, Eli was a wreck. He was pacing back and forth with his cell phone on the coffee table. Adam was annoyed and his hair was a mess, considering he was pulling at his hair. Fiona, Adam, and Eli were looking at Clare's files and looked up Alli and Helen's address.

Eli was a little calmer, but was still unsure. The two females had no idea who he was and he was going to visit them, to ask if they could come visit Clare for her birthday. Oh well, it was worth it. Clare was worth it.

Eli, Fiona, and Adam were parked in front of a huge building where Clare's mom lived. Eli took a deep breath and went to Helen's door. When he knocked on the door, a tiny women in her lat 40's, with black and grey hair, and was dressed in a black dress with Clare's blue eyes. Eli took a deep breath and said, "Uhm, hi. My name is Eli Goldsworthy and I work at Toronto's Women Correctional Facility. I called you about a week ago, and I kind of need your answer if you would come and visit your daughter on her birthday?" Eli was so nervous his statement ended up being a question.

Helen nodded and looked him up and down. She smirked and muttered, "Clare was right." Eli looked a little confused and felt uncomfortable. He cleared his throat and that made Helen laugh, "Please, come in, Eli. I've heard a lot about you from Clare's letters." Eli smiled and walked in.

Clare's Birthday!

"Clare-Bear! Wakey wakey Birthday girl!" Bianca was once again poking Clare's face. It was midnight and Clare wanted to sleep. "No." Se mumbled into her pillow. Bianca shrugged her shoulders and got onto the bunk with Clare. In the process of trying to lay down next to Clare, Bianca ended up smashing her.

Clare groaned and grumbled into her pillow. Bianca smiled and tried to make herself comfortable on the tiny mattress. "Come on Clare, wake up!" Bianca whined. Clare shook her head and continued to sleep. Bianca huffed and said, "Fine then, grumpy. But tomorrow, you my dear friend are gonna wake up and you're going to listen to moi sing!"

Bianca rolled over Clare, once again smashing her. Once Bianca was off of Clare, she went back to sleep on her bunk.

When Clare was woken up again, it was 9:00 in the morning. Bianca had once again poked Clare's face and arms, trying to wake the tiny girl up. Bianca started singing Happy Birthday, loud and proud. Making Clare laugh and smile.

"Happy Birthdaaaay to you! Happy Birthday to yoooou! HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEAR CLAAARE! Happy Birthday to YOOOU!" It was unusual for Bianca to be this hyper in the morning. Much less at all. But, she knew that Clare was going to have a crappy day, so she thought she would make her friends birthday worth while!

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY, CLARE!" throughout the entire hall, the inmates all cheered for Clare. They all knew it was Clare's birthday and Clare laughed in joy. She got out of bed and tackled Bianca. She just sat on Bianca as she laughed. Bianca let her sit on her because it was her birthday. But, if it wasn't her birthday, Clare and Bianca would have been wrestling for dominance.

Clare got up and walked to the gate and smiled. "Thanks guys." Everyone shouted out, "You're welcome!" Clare laughed and walked over to Bianca. She didn't know what job her and Bianca would get for the day, so they just sat there and waited for the person to come and tell them there job.

Clare and Bianca suddenly heard all the ladies in the hall start whistling. Clare and Bianca immediately knew it was either Jake, the mail clerk who gave all the inmates the mail they received from family members, or it was Eli. It was too early in the morning for Eli's shift, so she knew it was Jake.

Jake was the mail clerk for the past three years at the jail and he loved his job. Jake was a tall lanky guy, with light brown hair cut short, light skin, and had a voice that could send you into a powerful orgasm.

Jake stopped in front of Bianca and Clare's cell and smiled, "Good morning, ladies." The two girls giggled in delight, "Good morning, Jake." They replied. Jake laughed and took out their letters. He handed Bianca her letters. Jake took out a big blue bag and handed it to Clare, "Happy Birthday, Clare." He smiled at her and she stuck her hand out through the openings, but the bag wouldn't fit through.

Jake opened up the jail cell and handed the bag to her. Clare smiled and looked inside. Her eyes bulged when she noticed all the letters in the bag. "Woah, you mean to tell me, this bag of letters is all for me?" Jake laughed and responded, "Yeup! Trust me, you're gonna love them. They made me check them all." He said, with a wink. Clare laughed and stood on her tippy toes and kissed him on the cheek.

Jake blushed and said, "Happy Birthday, Edwards." He closed the gate and proceeded on to the next cell.

"Yo! Wasup Jakey! How ya doin boy?" Clare laughed when she heard Jake respond to the girl, "Yo! Wasup Doll! How ya doin guurl?"

Bianca sighed and said, "Fuck, his voice is like sex. Only better." Clare looked at Bianca and nodded, "Oh yes, his voice is just so…" Clare tried thinking of a word to describe Jakes voice. "Orgasmic?" Bianca had a smile on her face. Clare laughed and said, "Exactly!"

The two girls laughed as they looked through the letters Clare received. She had letters from her friends back at home, her parents, and believe it or not, she got fan mail.

She didn't understand why she got fan mail. She killed her sisters, is it something she should be proud of? Of course not, she as her reasons and if she wanted to tell people why she did it, would she still have those fans?

Clare's fan mail came from Toronto's Men Correctional Facility. There were letters from the inmates and the guards. All the letters he received wished her a happy birthday and told her they thought she was attractive. She was a little uncomfortable at the fact that dirty inmates from the jail find her attractive and know when her birthday is.

She was ecstatic when she found Alli and her moms letters. She kept all her letters in the bag and put it against the wall on her bed.

One of the oldest jail guards came and told Bianca and Clare that they had to work in the laundry room and then they had to clean the cafeteria after lunch. They both nodded and started getting ready. They first went to do the laundry and when lunch came around, they ate their lunch and then cleaned the cafeteria.

By the time Clare and Bianca got back from their job, Clare was tired and not in the mood to do anything but sleep. Eli on the other hand was excited for interaction time.

He was all happy and whatnot. He walked into work with Adam with a huge smile on his face. So much for being discrete about liking Clare.

He walked around the building making sure no one was causing trouble all day. When interaction room time came around. He got his gift and hid it inside the rooms closet.

He waited for Erin to drop Clare off. While he waited, he texted Adam to remind him of the plan. When Eli put his phone down right when Clare walked in.

"Once again, happy birthday, Clare." Erin Lee said as she hugged Clare goodbye, "Thanks, Erin." Clare smiled politely. Clare turned around and Eli stood up. "Happy Birthday, you brat." Clare scrunched her nose and walked over to him, "Thanks, you douche."

Eli feigned hurt and put his hand to his heart. "Douche bag? Wow, I would have a come back. but it's your birthday." He said as he hugged her tiny frame. Clare laughed when he messed up her hair.

Clare sat in the chair and put her feet up onto the table. "So, what do you have planned for us partner? What time are we going to the window?" Eli smirked and said, "I have something planned, but you can't know, and we'll go later on."

Clare nodded and started playing with the strings on her jacket. Eli didn't even catch himself staring at Clare. He noticed the tiny freckles on her cheeks that he has never noticed before. He watched as she would sometimes scrunch her nose when her nose was itchy. He even noticed the way she would absentmindedly smile sometimes when she was deep in thought.

Eli smirked at her and wasn't aware of his surroundings. He didn't hear when Adam was knocking on the door. He was too busy looking at Clare. Clare looked at Eli and said, "Uhm, aren't you going to get that?" Eli woke up from his trance and said, "What?"

Clare blushed and said, "Uhm, door." Eli looked confused and then he remembered Adam was outside with his guest. Eli smiled and went to go open the door.

When he opened the door, Adam was standing with Helen and Alli. Eli smiled and waved at the two females he met a couple of days ago. He told them to wait and Adam went at the bottom of the small stairs and let the two girls just stand there with smiled on their faces.

Clare was oblivious and was too busy looking at her nails, trying to occupy herself. She didn't even turn around to see how was at the door. That made Eli's job much easier. Eli took out the scarf from his back pocket and quickly wrapped it around Clare's eyes.

Clare was startled and instantly went to rip the scarf from her sight. "Goldsworthy! What do you think you're doing?" Eli laughed and said, "Just shut up for a sec." Clare muttered to herself, "What is he doing."

Eli ignored her and made her stand up. Eli motioned for Alli and Helen to come into the room. Adam was standing by the door, watching as his best friend was trying to woo the girl of his life. Eli turned Clare around and slowly took her so she was standing in front of Alli and Helen.

Tears were already forming in Alli and Helen's eyes as they watched Clare, being guided by Eli.

"Okay, Goldsworthy. Can I take the scarf off?" Eli chuckled and untied the scarf and slowly took the scarf away. Clare's eyes were slightly blurry and she needed to rub her eyes a little. "What are you doin-." Clare looked up and saw her best friend and mother.

Clare's mouth dropped and she quickly hugged both of them as tears poured down her cheeks. Giggles and sounds of kisses were being shared. Eli smiled and went to walk around the ladies, so they could catch up in the one hour they had.

As Eli was close to the door, Clare called him. When Eli turned around, Clare charged at him and gave him a hug. Her arms were around his neck and her head was positioned in the crook of his neck. Eli instantly wrapped his arms around her waist and smiled.

He never seen Clare so happy before. He felt good, knowing he was the reason she was so happy. He squeezed her and let her go. He winked and walked out. Adam and Eli just sat outside for the hour, letting them rekindle in privacy.

Adam smiled as he saw the sun go down. He turned to his friend and punched him in the shoulder, "Hey, ladies man. I thought Chivalry was dead? ha, you sure proved me and ahem, Clare." Eli rolled his eyes.

"Shut up, man." Eli replied, Adam laughed and they started talking until it was time for Helen and Alli to finish up their visit.

The two guards hear the door to the posable open and they could see the look of sadness on all three of their faces. "Bye." Clare said sadly.

She walked back into the room and sat on the chair. Eli followed suit and was ready to give her her real gift in the remaining half hour they had.

Clare stood up and playfully slapped his chest. "Hey! what was that for?" Eli laughed. Clare laughed and said, "Because you made me cry! But, thank you." Clare smiled and sat down on the couch that was in her room.

Eli smiled and sat on the arm rest. "You're welcome, Edwards." Clare smiled and hugged his waist. Eli laughed and said, "Okay, okay, we don't have much time left, so close your eyes. I have to give you your gift." Eli said standing up.

Clare had a look of confusion, "Wait, you mean to tell me, that that wasn't my gift?" Eli shook his head and motioned for her to cover her eyes. Clare groaned and covered her eyes. "I told you, you didn't have to get me anything!" Eli shook his head, "Pish posh, shut up, Clare." Clare sighed and did what she was told.

Eli went to the small closet and took out the medium sized box and set it on her lap. "Open it." Clare removed her eyes and smiled, "Thanks, but you didn't have to!" Eli gave her a look which told her to shut up. Clare giggled and ripped the wrapping paper.

When she opened up the book Clare saw the Chuck Palahniuk book. She smiled and gasped, "Invisible Monsters? You got me the book?" Eli nodded and said, "Hey, you're gonna be here a while, you need something to do."

Clare stuck her tongue out, "Yeah, it's gonna be a repeat book. If it's Palahniuk's books, I can read it in two days if I want to."

Eli smiled and quietly said, "Open it." Clare scrunched her eyebrows together. A smile formed on her lips. She was expecting it to be a letter Eli had wrote himself, but what she found in the book, left her speechless.

On the picture of the author of the book, Chuck Palahniuk, was her two ultimate favorite quotes, an autograph, and a letter from Palahnniuk himself.

Clare's mouth dropped as she ran her hands over the clean writing.

Happy Birthday, Ms. Edwards. I've heard many things about you. Enjoy your birthday, and make sure to thank your friend Eli, he went to great lengths to find me. By the way, you, my dear, are my inspiration for my next book, keep a look out for it. That Eli fellow, he's a good one.

-Chuck Palahniuk.

"We all die. The goal isn't to live forever, the goal is to create something that will." Diary

"I don't want to die without any scars." Fight Club

Eli watched as her smiled formed from a smile to her mouth hanging open. She didn't say anything for the next 5 minutes. All she could do was stare at the signature of her favorite author. Eli was getting a little worried that she didn't like her gift.

Eli sighed, "You don't like it don't you? I knew it, I knew I should have gotten something better." Eli mumbled to himself. Clare looked up with the most innocent blue eyes, "H-how did you get his autograph? He's suppose to be all the way in New York?"

Eli shrugged and said, "My Cousin, Ellie Nash works in New York. She knew that Palahniuk was in New York and asked if I wanted her to get him to autograph something. I sent her a letter to show him what I wanted him to sign." Eli looked sad and embarrassed.

Clare on the other hand was stuck in shock, but was filled with happiness. Clare looked at her gift one more time and put it down. She stood up and hugged him so tight, she was probably suffocating me.

Throughout their entire time in the interaction room, Eli learned a lot of things about Clare. He knew, Chuck Palahniuk was her favorite author. He also knew her favorite books and quotes by him. It was months ago, but he still remembered.

Clare mumbled, "How did you know?" Eli chuckled and replied, "You told me, Clare." Clare released from the hug and looked into his eyes.

For the first time, Clare was able to look deep into his eyes without getting caught. She looked into his eyes and could see happiness, warmth, and love. Clare smiled and continued to smile at him. "Thank you, so much Eli." Clare whispered.

Eli smiled and whispered, "So, you like it right?" Instead of answering, Clare leaned up and tried kissing his cheek, but kissed the corner of his mouth.

They pulled apart a little and smiled. Clare and Eli ended up staring at each other's lips. Each others skin felt like fire and their hearts picked up in speed. They both leaned forward slightly. They were a centimeter away from each others lips. Once they touched, it was literally a millisecond of lips touching, when Erin Lee knocked on the door.

Their lips tickled with the mere touching of lips. Eli or Clare couldn't really consider it a kiss, but it felt right. Clare let go of Eli and went to grab her book. She turned around before leaving and said, "Thanks again, Eli."

Eli smiled and nodded. Clare opened the door and there was Erin Lee grinning. She waved at Eli and escorted Clare back to her jail cell.

Eli stayed in the room for a couple more minutes. He just stood there and touched his lips. Even if their lips only touched, it felt like fire. He felt a spark inside of him and he smiled. He locked up and went to get off work with Adam.

Later that night, in the dark. Clare was in bed with her birthday present from Eli, in her arms. She smiled and touched her lips. She too felt the spark and fire. The birthday that Clare was dreading, turned into the best birthday ever.

That night, both Eli and Clare fell asleep with smiled on their faces and their hands touching their lips, in memory of the event that happened that night.

A/N: Soo? What did you guys think? And what did you guys think about Love Game episode? Justin Kelly makes me want to do naughty things ;) And todays episode is about Dr. Chris and Anya! I can't wait to see it! Dr. Chris better not hurt my Anya!

So, about that important message. I actually have a new story being written as we speak. I'm writing all the chapters before I post it so updates are more consistent! So, if you want the summary and a part of my new story, tell me in the review! I'll PM it to you!

Well, that was the update, I can't promise you guys a faster update, but it will have a good plot ;) Review! and sorry for not updating in a while :( I'll try not to update a month later. Give me some ideas for the next chapter! Maybe that will help me!

I also wanted to say, thank you to all of my reviewers, I love every single one of you. If you have any questions, visit my tumblr, Degrassiyum . tumblr . com! Okay, bye guys!