Chapter Four: My Constant Broken Ship

Angela had worked up the courage to do what she was going to do tonight. She went back to the club again, watching Jordan so awed and amazed by his talent. She loved how he was starting to change, like look different. His hair was a little longer, his jaw stronger, and his smoldering blue eyes looked thoughtful and not empty, full of nothing.

This was the Jordan she wanted to get to know, the boy that she longed for and that kept calling her here. Like a moth to a flame or a bee to honey, she just couldn't get enough of it. As the group ended their set, Angela actually didn't rush to leave before being spotted.

She knew that Jordan knew she was there. She'd stared at him the entire time so he had to have felt her presence. As the crowd started to thin, Angela grew tired of sitting down aimlessly. There was nothing to do, no one to talk to, and she realized for the first time how completely alone she was in this.

Angela stood up tiredly with nothing left to do but go home. It was so late this time that she'd have to sneak in again, and count on Danielle to help her do it. Angela reached for her coat, looking down but couldn't find it. She turned to look for it and saw the most unlikely person holding it.

"Yours?" Jordan Catalano offered, his hair growing so long that it completely covered his eyes when he looked down.

"Yeah … yeah." Angela nodded with a smile, enthusiastically. "I-I … really liked your show. I mean you were so like … good up there."

"We sucked tonight." Jordan answered quickly. "Tino was off on the drums, the bass was off … it was an off night." Angela looked up at him and just grinned. She had never heard so many steady, smooth words come from his mouth at one time.

"So umm … how are you?" Jordan wondered, running his hand through his hair.

"Stuck." She muttered, looking down and taking the coat from his other hand. "You know like when you can't move anywhere? Like I feel like freshman year was so long ago, but I like can't get over it or anything that happened."

"I know what you mean." Jordan nodded. "I hate it when we're like … like … playing a song or writing one and I can't like just … figure out how to say what I want to say next."

"How do you get past it?"

"I think of a constant in my life like … something that will like just be there no matter how I screw up." His eyes met Angela's as she sit her lip nervously.

"So is your constant like God or somebody? Most people our age are like searching for answers like … losing their religion. Rayanne thinks that we're it, that God was made up. What do you think?"

"I believe whatever you believe." Jordan answered in his charming way.

"Well, my mom wants me to live my life like a nun like not ever making any … mistakes. I think that God is like getting a huge laugh out of my life. Joke's on me but … I don't want it to be." Angela focused her attention on Jordan's lips, finding herself ever so slightly caressing his neck like she used to.

"Sorry … I am like so …"

"It's okay." Jordan breathed, sliding his hand into hers and leading her to the back of the club. He started kissing Angela hungrily as though she were his life force, his constant rock. She gave in, continuing to play with his neck as the entire thing transpired.

She stopped once she left his lips on her neck and then later, missing pieces of clothing flying off everywhere. Angela thought that this was what she wanted. Angela had dreamed about Jordan touching her this way and … whispering the things that he was saying to her.

Without asking if it was okay, he proceeded to clumsily fiddling around with her pants until Angela stopped kissing him.

"Not now." She whispered. "Not after … Rayanne." Angela breathed as Jordan backed away. "We have to like … talk about what happened and why."

Jordan backed away into the shadows feeling rejected. He truly felt something for Angela and being physically intimate was the only way he knew how to express that. To her.

"Jordan … please." She begged, tears in her eyes.

"I have to like … go … later red." He mumbled so low that it was almost inaudible.

Red … he had called her red so … the song was about her and not a stupid car.

That night Angela barely slept. Jordan just wanted to do … that with her. He didn't even want to talk to her like he used to. Closure was what she wanted. Either they were going to be together or not, but Angela kept creating situations that led to pink areas. It wasn't like red or white, one way or the other but pink.

She rolled her eyes. Today was the 20th, and tomorrow … something was supposed to happen tomorrow, but Angela couldn't remember. All she wanted to do was … call Jordan. After hours of debating, she decided to do it. Nothing to lose.

"Can I speak to Jordan please?" Angela asked shyly.

"Who the hell is this? This better be an emergency. "Do you know what time it is?"

"It's really important." She whispered.

"Jordan!"

"Hello."

"Hi, it's me--"

"Who the hells' me?"

Angela started to answer, but feeling threatened by the angry voices that followed, said nothing.

"Is this like a joke? Hello. Hello?"

Quietly, Angela placed the phone on the receiver, feeling like such an idiot for calling so late. He was bound to be mad, right? But he didn't even know that it was her or even who she was.

That night Angela couldn't sleep. She was thinking about Sharon and Rayanne and of course Jordan. It just dawned on her that she was alone, truly alone and one was definitely becoming a lonely number.

Just when she had fallen asleep, an unwanted visitor appeared.

"Wake up Angela." Ms. Chase beckoned, a happy cheerfulness in her voice. She was looking forward to this day, this day when she would get to spend time with Angela. She felt like for the first time since Rayanne Graft had walked into her child's life and shook it until the perfect picture was forever jaded, that Angela was back to normal, or at least the child she knew her to be. A good girl.

"Mom..." She muttered in response, pulling the sheets over her face. "It's early."

"You and I have a busy day planned. Remember? Yoga-Pilates this morning to strengthen our mind-body connection and then I'm taking you shopping afterwards." Ms. Chase explained, lightly tugging on the covers to reveal her daughters blanket-imprinted face. Even all puffy and grouchy, Angela was still her little girl. She looked down in admiration of how well Angela was taking everything and how ... grown up she'd become.

"Mom, no."

"Angela, come on now. Mother daughter time. You promised."

"I'm breaking it. It's our day off. Let me sleep in." Angela begged.

"Saturday and Sunday are you days off. Today is my day. Get dressed squirt." Ms. Chase kissed her daughter's cheek lightly as Angela rolled her eyes and turned over onto her back. Now she knew she couldn't get away with playing the disgruntled teen. As much as her mom needed this day, Angela thought she needed to hide out under her covers more.

Last night was so ... stupid of her to act like that. What if by some odd joke or twist of fate ... what if they crossed paths today? Angela wouldn't know how to act or what to say...

"Fifteen minutes!" Her mom yelled again as Angela sat up this time.

"Fine." She rubbed her hands feeling tons of build up from eye crust. Now that was attractive.

Ms. Chase said that the two would be going to the mall, but she never explicitly explained why until after they walked into JoAnns. Ugh.

"Now which color do you like best?" Ms. Chase asked her daughter later that afternoon as they took a stroll down the aisles of JoAnn's fabric store for that stupid mother-daughter fashion show. Angela looked at her mom in amazement. The difference between the two blues that she picked up was minuscule.

One was navy blue and the other was midnight blue. Could they even really be considered a different color? The only difference was that the midnight blue seemed shiner.

"That one." Angela forced herself to say, randomly picking out the one on the left, the midnight blue.

"Well, are you sure honey? I was thinking that we should surely be able to take the title this year, with the right color palate. Now I was talking to LeAnn, (Sharon's mom) and that's exactly why we didn't get it last time."

"Okay … I like the other one." Angela pointed to the one on the right, glad that her mom hadn't changed their places because she wouldn't have known which was which.

"You're not just saying that are you?" Angela shook her head to negate the subject, wondering off to a section of fabric that reminded her of those cheap sequin dresses Rayanne had her try on that time. The two of them were so sure that they were going to go to prom, even though they were sophomores and otherwise dateless …

Well, back then Angela wasn't quite dateless. She was more in the in between stages with Jordan, as usual, but things were looking good for her. And just when Angela thought her dreams were coming true, someone spilled the beans about her best friend sleeping with the guy she'd been obsessed over since forever.

And Angela knew that she shouldn't still be mad at Rayanne and not mad at Jordan. It really wasn't fair, but it was what it was. Angela just couldn't look at her anymore knowing what she'd done, what she'd experienced. In the past, Angela had found it cool that Rayanne Graft seemed to know everything about … everything.

Anything Angela wanted to know about life and relationships, she found out from her, but knowing what it felt like to be with Jordan Catalano in that way … it was not something she wanted Rayanne to know about so intimately, and that was exactly why Angela stopped speaking to her.

It all became too much. That's what she told herself, but what it all boiled down to was the fact that Angela was jealous; completely, totally, green-eyed monster jealous that it wasn't her. But it could have been her, not a year ago, but a night ago.

Everyone looked at Angela, not like she was some dumb teenage kid that had no idea about the world or anything and lived in this clear suburban bubble, but Jordan looked at her with different eyes. In his eyes, she was this woman, this beautiful, sex-worthy woman who he wanted to take the next step with.

It was the first time that anyone had looked at her that intensely. It was almost so enticing that she had let Jordan do whatever he wanted with her body. Part of her wanted to just surrender it to him and let Jordan take control. Her body would be his, but Angela couldn't deal with what it meant to be a woman, not yet.

And if it meant getting over her jealousy for Rayanne, maybe never.

"What is going on in here?" Angela asked her little sister, disturbed that she couldn't even catch a nap. Mom getting her up at 8am on a weekend to go shopping for some lame-o fashion show was torture enough. Now she had to deal with Danielle.

"I am trying to get ready."

"For?"

"Are you really that clueless?" Danielle sighed, annoyed. "Today is Brian Krakow's birthday."

"Oh really?" Angela made a face. "I forgot."

"Well, I've been waiting for this day for forever." Danielle explained magically. "And now that I'm fourteen--"

"Thirteen." Angela corrected, but Danielle ignored her and finished her statement.

"And now that I'm fourteen, there's really no excuse. I 'm not a kid anymore."

"But you're certainly not a woman." Angela stated, sitting on her kid sister's bed, even though she knew that Danielle hated that.

"Eww. Your butt's on my pillow." Danielle complained as Angela stood up.

"Fine. I'm up … now tell me what's this about you wanting to be a woman all of a sudden. You're not thinking about--"

"Having sex?" Danielle finished for Angela as if it wasn't a big deal. "You know all the kids at my school are talking about it. How like if you don't do it by high school it's like all over for you."

"Who told you that? That's like completely not true." Angela responded, realizing for the first time how little she knew about her sister. "What else did they tell you?"

"Well, Hayden Caser said that her sister didn't become popular until she did it and that before then she was like invisible so invisible that people would step on her in the hallways."

"Okay Danielle so … you're not thinking about sex are you?" Angela asked, actually caring about what happened to her sister for the first time … ever.

"I don't know … maybe I am." She answered, mostly to get a reaction out of her sister.

"With who? Do I know him?"

"Yeah. It's Brian, Brian Krakow." She responded as Angela tried to hold back a laugh. How hilarious was that? A seventeen-year-old Brian with her fourteen-year-old kid sister? Angela barely made a comment, but instead proceeded to help Danielle prepare for the party she was going to tonight.

"Okay …. Let's get you ready for your big night." She didn't even feel the need to comment on the whole 'sex' thing and Brian Krakow because he was completely harmless. There was nothing to worry about.

That night, Angela stayed in. Danielle was at Brian's party which she had no interest in going to, even if she had been invited. Mom and dad were having a much-needed weekend get-a-way and it just seemed stupid for her to try to call up Sharon or even Ricky to see what they had going on.

Angela just let her back sink into my soft down comforter, staring at the cracks in the wall and wondering if it would get any better than this. It had to, right?

How was it that everyone seemed to have a better social life than her, even her little sister … even her parents … even Brian Krakow, but Angela was on the fast track to becoming a loner? She sighed to herself. All of the loners she knew were also high all the time, something Angela was not wanting to get herself into … something that was another reminder of Jordan.

"Stop it!" She yelled at herself, sitting up and deciding that it would be best to go somewhere and do something, even if she was just going to walk up and down the street, that was much better than doing nothing but letting her thoughts run wild. Angela grabbed her walkman and her favorite cassette tape, Nirvana, and walked to the door.

She could handle this. As she turned the knob, she stood face to face with an unlikely person.

"Hi Angela."

"Hi Brian … aren't you missing you on your party?" She asked, closing the door behind her and placing the headphones around her neck, hoping this wouldn't take too long. Brian had a way of looking through her body, which gave her chills.

"It's almost over." He answered. "And I wanted to give you something before it got too late …" Brian pulled out a gift from behind his back.

"A guitar?" Angela nearly scoffed. Could fate be more cruel? A guitar. That was like the ultimate symbolism for Jordan Catalano.

"Yeah, you like it don't you? I know last year I didn't get anything for your birthday--"

"It's fine." She answered shortly, reminded of her last birthday and the Jordan-Brian-letter scandal. It still amazed her that Jordan went through all of that just to get Angela to want him. He was so clueless of the fact that he didn't have to do anything … just being there was enough for her.

"Yeah so I was thinking that…" Brian's voice trailed off.

"Can we talk about this later?" Angela asked with a smile, taking the guitar without another word and locking it in her house. "I'm about to go for a walk."

"Do you … do you mind having company?" Brian wondered boldly. Although Angela really wanted to be alone, she decided that having another person around could possibly distract her enough from her true thoughts.

"Yeah, but I only have one set of earphones." Angela explained, hinting that she was planning on playing her Nirvana tape.

"Okay, give me a sec." Brian rushed into his house and back, eagerly with another set of earphones and a few tapes in his hands.

"Cool." The two started their walk in silence as Brian tried not to look at Angela too much, but he couldn't help it. Her invitation had made it birthday worthwhile.

(A/N: What did you think kids? Speak your mind, even if it's just a one-liner. I actually want to finish this one. I'm also updating "False Self" and "Disease of the Mind" if you're into Lizzie McGuire or Degrassi. I might get around to "Double Standard" too this week... --NL)