4

I was in the hospital all night. Her dads got there late at night, or early in the morning. I didn't know. I was waiting in the hall out of surgery. I ate nothing, the nurse attempted give me some food said otherwise I would passed as well. God, I was so exhausting but I just couldn't eat. Rachel was in the surgery. She was in danger and it was all because of me. Because of my stupidity.

The two men rushing into the hall and grab a nurse asking about Rachel. Their voices were broken, tears in their eyes. I slowly stood up, walked to them, introduced myself as Rachel's friend and sent her to hospital. They thanked me, which made me wanted to kill myself. They were nice men. Even with their current situation they were still very polite and kind. They asked me if I was in the hospital all night, I said yes. One of them, Leo, went get some food for themselves and me. I put them down, sitting on the bench as before. I couldn't eat. I had no sip of water too. I felt like my throat fulfilled something.

Leo and Harry asked me go home for some rest. "Dear, you are too exhausting, just go home get some sleep and food too. If there is anything happen, we should call you. Please go home. Rachel will be alright." Leo said.

So I went home. I was sitting on the floor back against the wall, pulling my keen to my chest. There were no tears in my eyes. It was September, but the room's temperature was 16 centigrade made by the AC. I didn't need chill, I just need being cold, coldness like death.

I was sitting there, thoughts flies from the accident, to the words Rachel said to me, to the exchanging we shared on the internet. I felt so stupid. How could I decide to meet her? If I didn't accept the meeting, she would have never seen me, she would have never run away and hit by a car.

Most of all, had I never tried to talk to her in the first step. I shouldn't have been Lucy again. She should been buried in the end of the earth. But it was my fault. I shouldn't have looked forward to her friendship. I should never have had the hope that she would see me as a friend, looked at me like the way when we were younger.

She would never sent me a little smile when we passed by each other, she would never slap me at arm with a slyly grin when we are alone talking to each other. She would never look at me with her sincere eyes. She ignored me like I were an evil ghost, passed my like I was air figure. She didn't listen to me, ever. I hated this so I insulted her, slushied her, pushed her into lockers.

I just wanted her look at me again.

And I fucked up.

Now I sat in the cold lonely room, feeling so despaired. I was cold from fingertips to my toes, from outside to heart. My world was grey, my soul was black.

Rachel broke two ribs, one clavicle, and her retinas been damaged by some teeny tiny glass fragment. I heard the doctor said that Rachel had to in hospital for one month cause other injury was not ascertained.

I felt like I was passed out. Because I couldn't identify any words he was saying. I saw his mouth open and close but I couldn't hear clearly.

Rachel was blind. She could never see the centre park she was so in love with. She could never see the cute animals she loved. She could never standing on the stage…she would hate me. She would hate me till the end of her life. No, to her, her life is already ended.

I knew my life is ended. Just at the second when doctor said his words. Her dads had tears in their eyes and had no idea what I did to their precious daughter. I sunk into the chair and looked at Rachel lying on the bed. She was unconscious but she would be awake in a few hours. What shall I say to her? I am sorry? I am sorry I crash your life and your dream, I am sorry that I want to be someone in your life, even just a web friend. I am sorry I was so mean to you. I am sorry that I have never really apologize to you because I am such a coward.

"….and the donators were not enough for all the blinds. So we have resigned MissBerryin the list. But when is her turn is not quite sure. Maybe in one week, maybe in a long while. I am sorry. that is what we could do. But she still has the opportunity to gain the seeing again. Here is some enchiridions about the American Council for the Blind and other NPO for blind. There would be unaccepted and difficult for her at first. Just hope not for so long. I am sorry. " the doctor said and walked outside the room.

I looked at Rachel with my dryly and bitter eyes. God, I would do anything for this girl to gain her seeing. I would do anything for her. God. I would go to hell if you give her seeing. I could be blind if Rachel could see again. I could end my life if everything went back to normal.

But that was impossible. That was not happen.

The school began, I used the money I saved from my childhood to pay my rent. I got a job at Mcdonald's to support my life. I went to hospital everyday. I standing out side the window of Rachel's room fingertip portrayed the line of her face reflected in the glass. I felt hopeless. Days after days, one and a half months passed. Rachel cried when she found out her lost her sight. She tossed and turned for the pain. She got the cup by herself and failed, the cup smashed into pieces on the floor. She cried again. Countless times. Leo hold her in his arms, so did Harry. They were in pain too. And they had to repress their sadness. Rachel couldn't see the tears on their faces. I could. And I saw the pain on my face reflected in the window.

Each day I stood outside, time flied, two hours was gone, I can't feel my legs. But I was there until I had to go home or for work. I just wanted to see her more, before she went back home.