6

The day I left Rachel behind, I decided to lead a new life. My whole life was about reputation, Rachel, my faults which causing the disaster of her and my own life. The life of past which brought about the disasters to other people was ended. I wanted to be a better person.

I was nice then. In NYU I am a good student, a friendly girl. I made friends with my classmates. Some girl really into me, of course I am good looking but also I am really kind, gentle to them. I lost my virginity to a brunette, who was smart, shorter than me, loving to dressing of skirts. New York has so much more brunette, and I nearly fall in love with each of them. Brunette, short, smart, sweet and bright smiling, I just can't help but fall for them.

Rachel lost that show cause of her accident but soon she got another. And she made it. When the show opened, I brought the ticket in first row, whereas I did not attend. I was there outside the theater, standing in the clear cold night. I was happy for her, even I cannot hear her. But I knew she made it. Everyone left the theater with a satisfied smile. I listened to their discussing about the show and how amazing it was. I hide from the bright streetlight, looking for the only brunette I wanted see the most.

She walked outside the door, laughing with some fellows. I could tell she was happy, by the way how her eyes sparking in the darkest night. Just like the stars.

I smiled as well, looking her got a cab and left. I went to a club near the theater, got drunk, slept with an unknown woman. Brunette of course. I wanted to see her so badly, I could throw myself to any brunette, just to see her in those brown eyes. What was the best thing of alcohol? It get you drunk. When you were drunk, you can see whatever you want the most and never ever get.

When I was a junior, my girlfriend Lily wanted to see a Broadway show. Wicked. At first I was very hesitated, it's a show Rachel is in. I knew it from the broadway magazines I brought every month. But finally I said yes. Yeah, I was over Rachel now so what was the harm to see a show of hers?

I sitting on the middle row waited patiently. Lily was exciting. Who can blame her? it's the best show of Broadway I mean. Rachel was talented enough to make it when she was only twenty. I sent a bunch of lilies as well as a bunch of roses to her opening night. I sent these two kind of flowers to her every opening night and last night. I even sent them when I passing the flower shops and suddenly wanted to send flowers to her.

The curtain was raising, the show began. Then I saw her, wearing the show costume.

I knew that at once. Just like I knew it the time I walked into the high school.

I can say I love you to my each girlfriend, I can say it without hesitation. I can say it as much as I wanted. But now I was here, listening to Rachel, I knew why I can say love so easy—I never have a chance to say my love to the one I want so much to say to.

Rachel was the one. Always was and always will be. I have no escape.

I said love to everyone I supposed to loved instead of saying it to the only one I never have a chance to say to.

Like a curse, even I have no idea whether it was the evil or bless, Rachel was the only one I would ever love. Rachel was the destination, Rachel was the destiny.

The crowd did not exist. My girlfriend was not beside me whispering something. Rachel was here, in front of my, singing her heart out. I knew it's impossible but I couldn't help but believed that she was singing directly to me. Her eyes were so bright, I felt like she could see me.

After the show, Lily was so exciting that she couldn't stop talking about Rachel. Just while she babbling about how Rachel was so amazing, I said, "I am sorry, but I have to break up with you."

She was stunned. "what?" she said unbelievable.

"I love someone else. I am sorry." I said tiredly. "I try to love you, but I, I just can't. I am sorry."

She looked at me stunned. I looked into her eyes. They were so different with the ones I want to see. How could I fool myself? Every woman I been with was to replace the one I really want to be with. But I can't do it anymore. I was exhausted, I fooled myself enough, I have to end it. I couldn't find a person to replace Rachel. It's not fair, to them or to me.

Lily was heartbroken. I knew it but I knew it was for the best. She didn't deserve someone like me. She deserved the love for her own.

I was standing outside the theater, like some other lonely night of these years, waiting for the one I wanted to see when I felt sad and hopeless. Like those nights I stood under a dim light of road lamp, waiting despairingly. Like those time, I knew seeing her would bring to me no peace but blue. But I waited. I would wait for the rest of my life only have the faith that I get to see Rachel, which was enough for me at that time.

But now I knew it was not enough. Rachel must in my life. It's not what I want, it's what I need. I need her more than everyone, everything.

But there was nothing I can do. Once I had her in my life, I hurt her so much. And the second time I following my heart tried to have her, I nearly lost her. I made her suffering for the blind and pain. I can never hurt her, and what I could to that is to leave her alone.

All I can do to have her in my life was hiding behind some giant garbage cans or darkness, watching her live a happily ever after without me.

Whenever I got a chance I will somehow hiding myself near the theater to see Rachel again. I followed her Facebook and twitter. She was famous among the musical fans, which I became one of. I knew how her day was going, how she rehearsed, what she doing to protect animal rights.

Déjà vu, this time I am under a name 'Charlie', read her every uploadeds, but I never replayed, only read them.

I can't afford the chance to talk to her. I can't. The only thing I can do to love her is leaving her alone.

Rachel, Rachel, the poor girl in Lima, the golden star of broadway, the light of my life, the fire of my loins. My destination, my destiny. I loved you. I was a pentapod monster, but I loved you. I was despicable and brutal, and turpid, and everything, mais je t'aimais, je t'aimais!

I said it to myself, I said the story of us to drunk girls in the noisy pub. Some of them were so sentimental that they shed a tear for me. But I didn't. The tears were no longer existed in my eyes, from the night I knew my fate I decided that I won't cry any more. But my sorrow was so desperate and repressed and depressed.

I can't afford to love someone else, I can't afford to love myself. However, I fell in love again, over and over again. Every night I fell in love with Rachel again. Every night in my dream, Rachel and I were together. We were young then, the May days fulfilled with sunshine, the wind was so gentle blowing my hair a little light. Rachel was smiling at me, warm eyes shining with kindness, like she always was.

I have no escape.

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