7
I waited outside the theater every night I was free, seeing Rachel with my own eyes. I knew it's pathetic but I can't help it. I wanted to see her so badly, I wanted her to look at me so badly. I couldn't afford the ticket for every show, but when I attended the show, I always sit on the back or the middle rows. I imagined that Rachel was looking at me, through the hundreds of people, looking into my soul.
Now I was waiting here again, after a show, in the somehow unusual warm night in March. Audiences walked into the street laughing and discussing, again, I felt so pride of Rachel. The audiences were all gone, some enthusiast fans waiting for the casts, I waited too.
Then Rachel and casts into my sight. She smiled at the fans and signed for them. The kindness, sweetness behaviors of her always show to everyone. I smiled at her, standing at the same side of street under a dim road lamp. Fans disappeared, Rachel said goodbye to her fellows, who shouted back and walked away from her. Rachel was standing by the cab smiling at their figures.
A blast of wind blowing strongly, I felt something hit my right eye. "Oh!" I screamed, trying to wipe the dust away.
"Quinn?" I heard the so familiar voice which was confused.
I can't let her see me. I can't. I turned around harshly, trying to run away while I couldn't see anything clear. My purse dropped from my shoulder to ground. I bend down searching for it. Once I got it, I stood up quickly and run.
"Quinn!" I heard Rachel screamed. Next second I felt arms around my waist pull my back.
I felt the sharp wind blowing so strong it hurting my face, unclearly I saw a car running passed inches away in front of me.
"Quinn! What are you think you're doing? You nearly hit by a car while you desperately run away! Are you blind? Don't you know what would happen? I was hit by a car, which cause my broke rips and blind! What could happen to you?"
Yeah, I was blind. I was dizzy, I felt the world upside down. I was in the arms of Rachel.
When I still couldn't say a single word, Rachel pulled away. I slowly turned around, still trying to wipe the damn dust away. Somehow, I could see a little clear, just felt a little pain in my eye. It's tearful now.
Rachel was looking at me with worried eyes, frowned. Is, is there some care in her eyes? Is she care about me enough to saved me, saved me from the car crush—save me from the unknown, despaired love for her?
"I, " I stammered, "I , I …thank you. For saving me."
"It's ok." She replied softly. She was so beautiful, her eyes glinting. I can tell she was panic now. We stood awkwardly, both lost of words.
I was trying to say something. I was trying hard to think and miserably failed. My head was in a dizzy whiteness. The surroundings were so far and obscure, the only thing clear was Rachel. I heard my heart beating, from the back of my mind there were echo, the wind was blowing, the cars rushed through the late-night dark street, some homeless dogs were wailing, the gears of the fate was operating—shadow of the fate.
The horn from the cab broke the ice of silence, Rachel and I jittered.
"um, I , have to go. The cab is waiting." said Rachel.
"Yeah, yeah, you better go." I answered sheepishly. I didn't even know what I was saying.
Rachel looked at me. Is that I imagined or is that real—the sorrow in her eyes, and the little smile to me was kind of sad? "Goodnight Quinn."
She walked to the car, got in without a second look.
I was dumbly watching the cab running away.
The air suddenly got cold compared to my blood. My eyes were tearful, my throat was under the pressure. I swallowed hardly, and clenched my teeth.
When I got home, I called Santana.
"I meet Rachel after theater, she saved me from been hit by a car. And she talked to me."
Santana was speechless for a while. It was a bad sign. Like to meet my prediction, she barked to me, "What the hell? You, trying, to, ruin, your, life, again? "
"It's not like that, I was just watching her leaving the….'
"You pathetic freak! You are still doing that freaking things? Why don't you just knockout her and lock her in some freaking devious loft and looking at her every-fucking-day? You pathetic freak! "
I wrapped my arm around my knees, I knew this is coming. After I told San and Brit the story about Rachel and me when we were in winter breaks and drunk enough to say those things without a tear,Brittanycried and San became very furious. About my stupid freaking romance. She was furious about my 'dumb-Ro-fucking-meo sacrifice'. I said nothing only smiling at her woeful, I really was freak. How could someone live with such heavy, miserable, unknown love? It's too heavy, too distressing to sleep without pain, to awake without a sigh.
'Just tell her what you're thinking, you're fucking in love with her, you did the sacrifice to her which would make a human whoever has a heart or soul or something-stupid love you!' San said angrily, however I just smiled.
I could do anything for her but still, I can't make her love me. Not as the way I love her, not as the way she loved her boyfriends. Not any possibility she would love me.
"You know what? I tired of listening to your little pity-heart-talking. Q, would you open your remaining eye to see clearly that, you would die alone because of her! Why don't you just make up your poor mind to go get her? If she rejected you, at least you try! It's better for you than sitting in your disgusting lonely apartment waiting your body to be eaten by your dog!"
I chuckled. Sadly. "San, you know what happened when I was in her life. Do you think I could do that again? Do you think I regard my life above hers? Do you know me?"
"I am done with your pathetic talking." with that she hung up.
I hugged myself firmly. The day was still cold, the shadow of my fate beccame grave. But I have no escape.
And I don't want to.
Rachel was happy. She could accident run into me, talked to me without been hurt. That was enough. She could look at me with those beautiful brown eyes, worried about me, cared about me. She was looking at me with concerned. Just think about the memories, I felt completed. My live was completed, my waiting and my suffering was worthy of.
It's ok, San, if you knew how much I love Rachel, if you knew how much I could do for her, if you knew how much willpower I used to keep myself come to her, you would know that my agony is nothing compared to Rachel's happiness.