9

That was a quiet relaxed night, except that Rachel didn't give me a single glance. I went to the nearest bar and ordered two tequila shot, tossed them off. Half an hour later, I felt my eyes burning and my face heated. I laughed dryly, bitter, like the tequila and the dried tears deep inside my heart.

"Trying to scorch your throat?"

I peered at a brunette woman, who among middle thirty old with big brown eyes, came from nowhere and somehow seemed to be interesting in me.

"No mood to getting laid."

She laughed, waved the waiter to get a cup of beer, "it's not polite to say these to elders. Quinn."

I raised one brow at her, "Do I know you? Did I have sex with you before?"

She laughed again, much amused, "Not a chance. You are famous, a blonde who always drunk and took a young brunette home , left before the morning. "

"I have job in the morning." I murmured, "Who can blame me?"

"You such a kid." She smiled gently, "So, you don't have a mood to bring someone home? Someone to meet your imagine, to make you imagine having sex with your dream?"

I narrowed my eyes. She is something. I can't put my finger on it, but I knew she is up to something.

"What do you want?" I sipped my fourth tequila. "I am not interested in you."

"Me too. I am only interested in blonde, who are male and at my age. "

I looked at her thoughtful, "I must see you before….you are Rachel's fellow cast. " I remember she, maybe play some role with Rachel.

"Wow, it's my honor to been remembered. I thought you would ever lay an eye on anyone but Rachel."

I squinted at her, saying slowly, "What do you want?"

She shook her eyes, "You such a kid."

We drank in silent.

"I used to have one guy looking at me as the way you looked Rachel." she said suddenly, "I thought he was the love of my life. He never said he loved me, but we were a couple anyway. I was much younger then, maybe at you age. One day I came home from work, there is an accident in the corner of the street. I thought: oh, what a pity. And I went home, got a call said my boyfriend was died from a car crush. " she smiled sadly, "he was the guy who been hit in the corner of the street. He was coming home with a ring in his hand. He was going to proposal."

I sipped my drink. What could I say?

Two broken heart, one dear night.

"I moved toNew Yorkand nearly throw myself to every guy looks like him. Sky-blue eyes, short curled blonde hair, two inches taller than me…"

She looked like lost in memories. I waited patiently, felt sorry for her.

She sipped her drink, eyes lost focus. Several minutes later, she finally looked at me again, "You just like me ten years ago, feeling hopeless and has no better way to get out the pain."

I blinked then sigh, "What do you want, stranger?"

"You have a chance I didn't have. Rachel is alive. Rachel could reply you. You could have Rachel in your life."

I sneered, nearly laugh, "If I could do that, I were not sitting here with you. I would be sitting with Rachel instead of! I would have liven in a happy fairytale!"

"Then why are you sitting here?"

I squinted at her, smiled sadly. I couldn't tell her what happened between Rachel and I , she was Rachel's…maybe friend or something.

"Because, because if I approach Rachel, she would be hit by misfortune. Every time, I wanted to catch her, she suffered. I can't have her in my life! She would get hurt…She was like a little beautiful canary, if I had her in my hands, I would break her wings. She is the golden star in the sky, I would only covered her light. She is the slender firelight in the wind, I can't keep her bright, safe, happy and loved…."

"Lilies and roses, a card with 'best wishes' and no signature. Waiting outside the theatre almost every night. Looking at her like the world wasn't existed. Talk to her with shaking body, even though I was far far away I still saw that."

I laughed out dryly, sounded more like cough.

"You want her in your life. Even just a glimpse from her will make you feel like you have her. Why are you waiting for? To see her with her boyfriends? Jessie, Tom, you must have seen them. To see her single again? To see her everyday like somehow you were someone in her life, waiting for her to come to you? What do you want from your waiting? Are you waiting for her to greeting you? Are you waiting every night, for her occasionally ask you to have coffee with her? You say you couldn't have her, then why are you sending flowers and waiting, to remind her that you are there, waiting for her?"

Because I love her! God, I love her so much, so much I want to die!

I must too drunk, cause I heard my voice above the music. Then I knew that I really said it out.

My hands were shaking, my sight was not clear. Maybe I was crying now but I didn't know.

"I love her. I loved her from one unknown day when we were teens, I loved her when I didn't even realize. I followed her My Space, I followed her toNew York, I waited for her every night. I can't make her love me, at least allow me see her! Allow me to be someone in her life. An acquaintance, a fan who would wait her to see her happy or not, a girl who would do anything for her and she don't need to know that. I just, if I can't love her, have her in my life, at least allow me to be someone, anyone, anything. To make her look at me…."

I was sobbing. I was crying to this woman's shoulder. She patted my back gently, soothing me. I felt so angry, about my lost-control, about I was crying. I was angry about some stranger break into my walls so easily.

I eventually had to face my heart—I want Rachel in my life. I denied it, buried it under the guilty and missing. I want Rachel more than everyone, everything I have ever seen and ever imagined. But I refused to admit that I was trying to have her.

Now my walls fell down, because of a stranger, I felt so vulnerable.

"How horrible person I am. I cause her in pain, but I still want to get her!" I sobbed, "I want her, every night I dream about her, I think it won't hurt if I only have her in a dream. It hurts. It hurts like hell! I want her, only when I see her I feel alive. I am sick, I am insane….but I love her… I want her. I need her. I need to be near her. I need to be someone she would look at…God , I am so sick!"

The woman rubbed circles on my back, "it's ok." she said it over and over again. But I was not ok. I am broken.

"It's ok. It will be alright. " she said softly. I coughed in tears.

"You have suffered enough, kid. You can't resist what you want, how you felt. Don't deny yourself. No one would love you if you don't love yourself. Kiddo…." She smoothes my hair, "just crying your heart our. You have to be in pain for confronting yourself. It' ok. Everyone go through this, so do you."

review would be appreciated. and this angst story will soon end. looks like teens enjoy humor more.