10

I woke up in my apartment the next day. My head hurt, my eyes burned from crying I-don't-know-how-long. The woman must have sent me home.

I found no note or something else, last night was real or a dream? I couldn't tell. But I knew one thing for sure: I couldn't deny my desire forever. It is killing my inside. I have to follow my heart. I have to try, even only once, a friendship will be my own fairytale.

A few days after, Rachel once again outside the theatre waited for a cab. I approached her, eventually got up my courage.

"hey, Rachel ."

She looked quite surprise, "Oh, hi.. I mean good evening Quinn. How are you doing?"

"I am fine…" I paused, "Do, do you want to have a drink with me? "

It's my first time say it. Feeling so hard to do this, my heart was racing like a crazy rabbit.

She looked more surprise now. She run her finger through her hair, "Yeah, sure. why not."

We went to the same coffee shop, talking like other days. But I knew Rachel feeling uncomfortable. She smiled were tight, not faked, but she was nervous.

When we finished, I walked her to the street waiting for cab. The streets almost were empty, Rachel looked up to the sky. I follow her action. A first-quarter moon was lying in the sky, diffusing the dim blue white light cross the darkness.

A cab stopped in front of us. She opened the door.

"Rachel?"

"Yeah?" she looked at me with question eyes.

"Can, can I have you cell number? " how much stammer am I tonight? "We should have some drink when you're free, or brunch, or something, if you don't mind I mean."

Her eyes widened. We stood awkward for few seconds, "Well, I guess it will be fun. My schedule quite busy these days, but in the morning it will be fine."

I grabbed my phone handed to her. She typed then gave it back to me. She looked at me in the eyes, before I could replay, she got in the car closed the door.

I standing there gripped my phone watching it went away.

We had brunch several times. In the centre park, watching peoples and horses. The view was peaceful, I felt the most peaceful in my life. Rachel laughed, her eyes glanced the kids and the puppies. We talked quietly, smiled at the morning view ofNew York.

In those days, I was lifeful to face the world. I was in good mood in such a long term. I felt that after everything happen, after so much drama, I finally turned my life back to normal. Having a part-time job, studying hard, having fun with friends and most of all, I have Rachel now. Even I was not sure how to define us. I have her in my life, that was enough.

But peace was born to be break. While one night I waited outside, Rachel came out leaning in a dark hair man. He looked at her as the way I did. And Rachel, Rachel was enjoying his accompany. The casts made jokes, she laughed and patted him on the shoulder. My blood burned at the sight.

Rachel did not lay an eye on me. The man opened the door a BMW for her. She thanked him in a cheesy way.

They were gone, left me in the hot summer night, heart aching for the sight, heartbroken again.

After that night, I saw her with that man every night. She barely noticed me, no wave, no eyes contact, no more coffee. She rejected my brunch invite. I throw myself nearly every night to any brunette again.

I had enough. I couldn't stand it anymore. Tonight, I came to her, ignored that guy grabbed her wrist tugged her away.

Rachel gave that stupid guy an apologize, followed me in silent.

I tugged her into a bar, ordered my drink, then questioned her with my eyes.

We barely said a word. I finished three vodka, Rachel had two gin.

"I have to go home. I have rehearsal tomorrow." as she said, we went outside. When she climbed into the cab, I opened the door of passenger seat and got in.

I followed her into her apartment building, into the elevator.

In front of the door of her apartment, Rachel did no action to open it. She just faced it. I said no word.

She sighed, turned around, "Qui…"

I grabbed her cheek and kissed her.

She must been too shock to do nothing, until I felt her hands on my shoulder pushed me back.

"What are you doing, Quinn!"

I kissed her again, and got been push back. Got a lap on my face.

"What are you doing! Quinn!"

"I love you Rachel, I love you."

She stared at me, mouth opened, eyes widened and glinting. That look, oh that look on her face again! Having no emotion and everything wrote in her eyes at the same time.

Yes, then you would run away from me again. But this time, please say something before you go. Say something to end my life.

Shout at me, be angry about me, who was the torturer of your high school, the Lucy connected with you three years ago, the pathetic girl who loved you all her life, and will love you for the rest of her life, the freak stalked you, the monster who destroyed you once. Tell me, Rachel, tell me I am a god damn freak. Tell me go to hell for my pathetic, hopeless love—a word from you beautiful lips, a word in your delicious voice, I will kick off my whole life, kill the gods on theOlympus. I will climb out my grave and run away from the heaven or hell. I will do anything just for your words. Even that it is the miserable foretell of my already ended life.

Rachel—the golden star of Broadway, the star of my own darkest night, the sunlight greeting me everyday, the dream I have since I was young and did not realize, the girl has a large vocabulary—use your words and your angelic voice, kill me with kindness.

She laughed.

She laughed so hard there were tears in her eyes.

"You love me? You love me, Quinn? " she paused to laugh again, dryly, "You love me so you slushed me? You love me so you tortured me? You love me so you pretended been another person, a nice and sweet girl, to break my heart again?"

"No, no! I wanted to know you. I wanted to know how was your life when you were far away! I…." I was been cut by her raised voice.

"Then you could break me?" she said bitterly, "Why didn't you just leave me alone? Just, leave me to myself? "

I wish I could. But I can't, with my whole willpower I still can't do that. I love you so much Rachel, I just want to be in your life. an acquaintance, a fan, a passer-by everyday on your way…I want to be someone, anyone anything, just don't pass over me without a glimpse.

"You were the only one would talk to me in sincere when everyone ignored me, you were the one who made me smile when I was in middle school. You were the one who connected with me for three years. You were the one who knew me the most. You played with my heart. You played so well that I fell for you! "

I saw a tear falling on her check, glinting like a star fell down. I stretched out my hand to wipe it. Rachel beat my hand away, "Don't! Don't you dare to touch me!"

She angrily wiped tears away, "After everything….after I woke up in hospital where were you? I wanted to see you the most, more than my dads! Where were you Quinn? I remembered that you were holding me before I passed out. When I woke up, I wanted to see you there! Where were you? I thought you run away, the show was over and you went away…just like you always did. I said to myself I would been over you.

But the flowers, Barbra CD, those candies…The same flowers in my opening night! Always there in my dressing room, the empty seat in the front row….the nights you standing under the lamp, you looked at me like I was precious…

Why did you just leave me alone? "

Rachel grabbed my collar looking into my eyes. She was crying, so hard I felt my heart break into pieces.

I said it in the lowest voice, I thought I almost whispered to her heart, "Because, I, love you."

She laughed a little but the tears fell down more, her grabbing tightened, " you won't leave. Then why can't I leave you alone?

I questioned myself over and over, why can't I leave you alone? ….why can't I act like you, insult you, ignore you, pass over you without a lash bat? Why can't I do it?

You are like a hunter, wherever I go, whenever I am, I see you. I see you every where…in my dream, you were there…"

Her forehead leaned against my chest, she whispered in a soft but broken voice, "Why can't I just let you go?"

She was sobbing into my heart. Waveringly I raised my arm, wrapped around her loosely.

"If you won't let me go, why couldn't I?"

I tighten my hug, holding her firmly. I buried my face into her long hair, sunk into her heavenly scent. Sunk into the deep sorrow surrounded us.

That night Rachel and I slept together. Typically, we slept in the same bed. Rachel cuddled into my arms, gripped my shirt like I were the only thing she could get.

I hold her, smoothed her, humming the song a song I always sing to myself when I felt sad.

"One day when we were young, a wonderful morning in May, you told me you loved me, when we were young one day…

Sweet songs of spring were sung, and music was never so gay, you told me you love me, when we were young one day. you told me you loved me and held me close to your heart. we laughed then, we cried then, then came the time to part…"

My tears finally fell down. I closed my eyes but it didn't work, so I let go. I eventually face myself and follow my heart.

I don't know where it leads me. I were a leaf drifting in the big river, been flowing to the unknown.

"When songs of spring are sung, remember that morning in May. Remember, you loved me, when we were young one day."

—

This is the ending. The western novels have the endings different from eastern.

Eastern novels like a round. Where it ends, where it begin.

My friends and I have a common view that, when a reader love to read angst and hurt/comfort, they either have too much sorrow so that want to be connected with the character to decrease their own, or they lead a happy and somehow bored life so want to something new and touch their heart. I just soliloquize.

I am suck at grammar, but I try my best.

After all—thank you for reading.