a/n: Thank you for all your adds and comments. I greatly appreciate all of them. Please keep them coming. Thank you to Crye 4 Me for her brainstorming work on this chapter and to Shadows-of-Realm for Beta and brainstorming.

Chapter 3- Those Small Steps

John was woken up by loud banging on his door and stumbled to open it in a half sleep stupor. "Jennifer," he jumped back slightly, not expecting the woman back until morning. With the angry look on her face John knew why she was here. "You weren't supposed to be back until morning and Chuck was told to tell me when you arrived."

Jennifer clenched her jaw, "Chuck wasn't around when I arrived. You knew?" She had not been a hundred percent sure that the Colonel knew, but his reaction told her all she needed to. "

"We found him about eight hours ago," John mentally cursed the gate tech for failing in his duties. He did not want Jennifer to find out like this, knowing the news should have come from him. "Let's go back to infirmary and check on him."

"Rodney's not there, John," her anger started to boil over. "I'm just curious why no one told me as soon as I got back. Did none of you think that I would like to know that you finally found my husband? I only found out because I went to my office because I cannot stand being in that room without him and I heard a scream followed by a crash and when I went to check it out I saw the empty bed. I saw his chart. All those things they did him," she started to get choked up as she tried to process what Rodney had gone through in the four months the captors had him. "Did he say anything? Why did they take him? Where was he?" As each question was asked, Jennifer broke down a little more and with each question she slammed her fist into his shoulder. The cycle of question, crying and punches continued until there was more crying than questions. The distraught woman could no longer stand and she would have fallen to the floor had it not been for Sheppard's strong arms.

John did not stop Jennifer, knowing she needed to let all out before she could help Rodney start to heal. He knew if anyone could reach Rodney in the world he withdrew himself to, she would be the one to bring him back. "Rodney has not said a word," he rubbed her back in comforting way. "I don't think he realizes he's home to sedate Rodney so that he could examine him."

The sobs slowly subsided and the crying woman wiped the remaining tears with the sleeve of her shirt. It was almost better when Rodney was missing because the knowledge of what was done to him felt worse than when he was ripped from her arms on their wedding night. "All the torture and abuse, how do I begin to help him? I don't know what to do. "

John did not have an answer and he could only offer the simplest solution, "Be there for him. Remind Rodney how much you love him." You should never underestimate the power of love and its sometimes healing properties. The military commander ducked back into his room and reappeared a second later with his radio. "Rise and shine, Radek. Jennifer and I need your help... I know it's later, but Rodney went missing from the infirmary...See you there."

"What did he say?" Jennifer nervously chewed her lip.

"Meet him in the control room in five minutes,"

Rodney did not know how long he was running for. It took all of the energy he had to reach his destination. Once the doors of his quarters slid shut, the broken scientist went to work to make sure no one else could enter the room. Two minutes later, with the help of a tablet and crystal interface cables the room was locked so only he could undo it. His eyes quickly darted around the room and everything began to spin.

"Eh...No. Stop," he scratched at the invisible bugs that crawled on the delusional man's arms. "Off me," Rodney continued to pull and scratch until blood was drawn. "So dirty...never clean," he whimpered and stared at his left hand which remained tightly clenched. "My precious. They'll never take it."

Rodney felt the walls closing in on him and he could hear the voice of his attacker's echoing in his head: She's dead. We left the knife in her chest and watched as the life slowly drained from her and as she fought to breathe. "Why? You should have killed me too." hot tears fell on his sunken cheeks. His heart ached over the lost chance to say goodbye. What he wouldn't give for one last time to feel Jennifer's arms around him and tell him everything will be okay. Even if that was possible he knew it was going to take a lot more than that to heal. Life was at an all-time low. When he was held captive he knew what his day was going to be like and now that he was free he did not know what to expect. He saw a photo frame next to the bed and picked it up in his free hand to examine it. "Why?" the scientist was confused why someone would put one of his wedding pictures in the room. Did someone put it up while he was in the infirmary? It was the only logical reason he could come up with. Even being home, Rodney felt he was still being tortured. The broken man clutched the picture to his chest and let out a gut wrenching wail. It was time that he could finally grieve for his wife. It was the one thing he would not allow his captors to see.

Rodney's legs gave out from under him and he fell to the floor and a dam of emotion broke forth. "I'm sorry. It's entirely my fault. I failed to protect you. Please forgive me." It did not take long for his vision to become clouded with tears. "My angel. My heart," his finger traced over the outline of his bride. "Please forgive me for failing you. This is my punishment. No redemption for me."

When there were no more tears left to shed, Rodney pulled himself off the floor and returned the picture its original home. With his head hung low, he made his way to the bathroom. Once he arrived the scientist carefully peeled away his clothes, refusing to give up the hold on the treasured object in his left hand. Rodney shuttered at his appearance in the mirror. His eyes and cheeks sunken into his face made him look like some grotesque mask that was worn on Halloween. Where there once was once fat and muscle now he could see bones poking through the skin. Then there were the bruises only he could see. The real ones healed a long time ago. There was a time where the bruises covered most of his body. Those were the nights he laid on the flimsy mattress that smelt like feces, urine and vomit left to bake in a sweltering summer day and he begged for this life to be taken. It was a smell that still lingered in his memory and the scent of a freshly cleaned towel was foreign, almost new to Rodney. Which is why he spent several minutes inhaling the clean linen scent.

Rodney reached over to the faucet and turned on the water, adjusting the temperature to the coldest the shower would allow. He hoped that the cold water would numb the emotions that were at war for dominance. For at least ten minutes he let the freezing water wash over his body. It was a successful mission as it felt like ice coursed through his veins, making him feel alive and dead at the same time. With his back pressed to the wall, the shivering man slid down and curled into a ball and let the ice assault continue.

"Sorry…so sorry," he mumbled repeatedly.

Radek pointed to a dot on the screen, "This is the only place that makes sense."

Jennifer blew out a long breath, "The one place I did not think to check." Perhaps Rodney was more aware of where he was then she thought. There was no reason a life sign should be registering in her…their quarters unless it belonged to Rodney.

"Thanks, Radek," John gave the man a pat on the back. "Come on," he jerked his head to the left. The Colonel did not want Jennifer to go alone, just in case Rodney had a bad reaction to seeing her.

The weary woman nodded and moved with post haste toward her quarters.

The two made it in record time and were in front of the doors in one minute flat. Much to her surprise when Jennifer passed her hand over the sensor it beeped, denying her access.

"Huh? What?" Several more attempts yielded the same result. Then Jennifer resorted to knocking on the door, "Rodney!" She yelled out, hoping to get him to open the door. After several tries and the door remain closed, the wife's concern for her husband grew ten-fold. She had no idea what state he was in and what he was capable of. After months of waiting for him to come home she did not want that door to open and find him dead on the other side.

John was worried too and he tried to pry the door open with his hands. It resulted in his hand hitting the frame with enough force to make him think he might have broken his hand, but the door remained closed. "Zelenka, come in again." John tapped on his radio.

"Da?" The scientist yawned as he answered the call on the way back to his room.

"Rodney has put some lock on the door and Jennifer cannot get in and he's not answering the door. Plus, I think I broke my hand trying to pry it open," John pulled his hand away as Jennifer tried to look at it.

"I'm on my way," Radek hoped it would not take long to hack whatever lockout he put on his room.

"Why would he lock the door like this?" Jennifer was clearly confused and distressed by everything. She knew she would have to get it together by the time that door opened. The last thing her husband needed was her to be unhinged as well.

John shook his head, "No idea." He could not begin to fathom what was going on in Rodney's mind after everything. He could see the worry on Jennifer's face and almost felt what she was thinking, "Don't even think that. He's not going to resort to that now that he has come back to you." It was said as much to convince himself as her.

Radek arrived and immediately went to work. There was no need for words to know how serious the situation was. He saw Jennifer pacing in circles out of the corner of his eye and John was rocking back and forth on his feet as if he would explode if he was not moving. It took a half hour to hack the complicated lock on the door. "It's done," the Czech sighed as the door slid open.

Jennifer did not bother with a thank you as she rushed into the room. Her heart stopped, expecting the worst and was relieved when she saw the discarded clothing from the infirmary and heard the noise from the shower. The physician turned around to see John right behind her, "I need to this alone. I'll radio if I need anything." She saw Sheppard's uncertain face. "He's my husband and he needs me," Jennifer had to let John know this was a time where Rodney needed her to save him. This was not some off world mission where he could fight something and save the day. This was something inside that John was not as well equipped as Jennifer was to save when it came to Rodney. He did not share the impenetrable bond the couple had.

John stepped back and stood at the threshold of the room. His guilt over not being able to protect the couple on their wedding night made him feel the need to be there to help his friend, but Jennifer was right. She could offer him the help he could never provide. The kind of help only one who shared a soul could offer. The door slid close and John hung his head and sighed as he looked at Radek.

Jennifer followed the sound of the water and froze at the doorway of the bathroom when she saw the curled up figure under the spray of water. Her hand covered her mouth to cover the shocked gasp from being heard. What was written in the chart had not prepared her for seeing the emotionally and physically frail man. "Rodney," Jennifer tried to get his attention. "Rodney," she called out again and still got now response. Before she knelt next to him, the physician shut off the water. "Rodney," she said again as she put her hand on his back and was shocked at how cold his skin was.

Rodney yelled bloody murder when he felt a hand upon his back. It took another minute to register who the voice belonged to. A hallucination created by his mind to either torture him or let him say that last goodbye. The frightened man slightly lifted his head to see if his hallucination was visual too. "My angel," he whispered.

"That's right," she placed her hand on his cheek. Jennifer frowned when he flinched, but it was to be expected after the torture he went through. "You don't have to be scared anymore," she tried to reassure her scared husband. "I'm here for you now. Let's get you out of the shower," Jennifer reached for a towel to wrap around Rodney.

"I'm sorry. So sorry," Rodney moved instinctively toward the inviting embrace. His head came to a rest on her lap and he shuddered at how real it felt. "All my fault."

"Sorry for what?" the concerned wife asked as she gathered Rodney the best she could. "None of this is your fault. You're home now. That's all that matters. We are going to get through this. I'm here for you, my heart," Jennifer rocked the man in her arms and pressed her lips to his forehead for a tender kiss. Looking into Rodney's eyes was like looking into a black abyss. No light shone in or out. It was just a cold empty nothingness. She was not sure if his shaking was from the cold or from being scared, but had a feeling that it was a combination of both.

"How long do I have you for? How long are you staying?" He just wanted to know how long he had before his angel would disappear leaving him truly alone.

Jennifer was confused by the question and frowned when it was asked, "I'm not going anywhere. You have me forever." Her lips were now firmly attached to Rodney's forehead as her heart silently fractured into countless pieces. "You are freezing. Let's get you warmed up and dressed," she tried to stand and was glad when Rodney stood with her.

"Forever?" Rodney's face was filled of confusion and doubt. How could she be here forever if she was dead? The scientist allowed himself to be lead to the toilet where he sat down with the lid closed. Hallucinations always tell you want you to hear...except that one time with Sam in the jumper.

"Of course. Until death do us part, remember?" There were moments where Rodney seemed perfectly lucid and the next he was in his own world. Jennifer quickly dried him off.

The panic-stricken man closed his eyes and shook his head. "Why does it still hurt?" Rodney questioned. If Jennifer was going to be with him forever that could only mean he was dead too and for being dead everything felt too real.

"I'm going to help with that," she cradled Rodney's face between her hands. Jennifer hoped she was doing a good job, hiding how upset she was.

Rodney held up his clenched fist and held out the closed hand, "It doesn't fit anymore."

"What doesn't?"

"This," he opened his hand for the first time in a while to reveal his wedding band in the palm of his hand.

Jennifer had the faintest hint of a smile on her face when she saw the ring. It was the one thing he held onto throughout the whole ordeal, a small beacon of hope. "I'll fix that," she took the platinum band from Rodney's hand. "I'm going to get some clothes. I'm only going to be gone a few seconds, okay?"

Rodney nodded and thought since this was his hallucination that it would be okay for her to go away for a short while. He sat as if he was a blank slate awaiting instruction of what to do next. "Don't go to sleep and she will stay. She'll be gone the minute you fall asleep," he muttered over and over. The astrophysicist had to do all he could to stay awake so his angel would not disappear.

Jennifer appeared a few seconds later with a set of clothes and a beaded chain like one used for dog tags. "This should do the trick," she slipped the ring on the chain. "So it will always be close to you. I'm going to put this on you. Is that alright?"

"Okay," he replied in an uncertain voice.

"Is that better?" she clasped the chain closed and let the ring fall over his heart. Jennifer waited for the nod before proceeding. "Do you need help getting dressed?"

"Okay," Rodney said in the same way as the last question.

It took every last bit of strength Jennifer had not to breakdown. If she ever came face to face with whoever did this to her husband she would probably kill them with her bare hands. Her Rodney was locked deep within the shell of the man in front of her and the wife would stop at nothing to unlock him and bring him home. Jennifer was not so naive to think that Rodney would ever be himself again but she wanted to bring some of his former shine back. She was careful as she dressed the broken man, jumping when he did. When Jennifer was done she stepped back and sighed as Rodney was swimming in his old clothes. "What do you want do now? Get something to eat? Are you tired?"

"No. No. No," he shook his head almost violently. Sleeping meant that she would be gone and it was taking every last bit of energy Rodney had not to pass out from exhaustion. Stubbornness was good for something sometimes.

"How about we lie down at least," Jennifer was exhausted and she knew his body language enough to know Rodney was too. "I can scratch your back. I know how much you like that."

Rodney nodded and shuffled his feet as returned to the bedroom. "You look like an angel. Are you an angel who has come to take me home?" he paused, looking down at his side of the bed.

"You are home," she knelt on her side of the bed and held out a helping hand. "They can't hurt you anymore."

The scared man took the hand that was offered and got into bed. Rodney got under the covers, the feeling of his own bed was an odd sensation; one he never thought he would never feel again. As soon as his wife was next to him Rodney reached out to study her face. "So I don't forget," his fingers gently glided over every contour of the woman's face as if it were the first time.

"That's okay," Jennifer's voice cracked on the verge of tears. "Take all the time you need."

"Just one last night. One last night to feel your arms around me," The voice was small as if it belonged to a sacred child afraid of receiving a beating for asking the wrong question.

That was all it took to break the dam holding back her emotions and the tears freely flowed. "You don't even have to ask," Jennifer's arms drew her husband close. "You never have to ask," she repeated as she kissed the top of his damp head.

Rodney held onto the warm comforting body for dear life, not sure how much longer his mind was going to allow him this peace. "I'm sorry I couldn't save you," he whispered just before the tears started to fall, masking his words.

A tightness gripped Jennifer's chest as the tears soaked through her shirt. "I love you, Rodney McKay," her tears fell upon his head. "I will be here for you every step of the way." She fell into a pattern of lightly scratching Rodney's back while whispering soothing words until his breathing evened out as sleep finally consumed him. It was not until Jennifer was sure Rodney was asleep that she allowed herself to get the first restful sleep she had in months.

TBC…