TSP Episode #203: "Mysterion Has Titty-Vision"
As a friendly reminder, the members of Coon & Friends are as follows:
The Coon (Cartman)
Toolshed (Stan)
Human Kite (Kyle)
Mysterion (Kenny)
TupperWare (Token)
Mosquito (Clyde)
Iron Maiden (Timmy)
Mint-Berry Crunch (Bradley)
(And Charlie is "secretary" Stethoscope)
I refer to them by their superhero names when they're in costume and their real names when they aren't.
Part 2. Jacking Off
The Coon, TupperWare, Toolshed, and Stethoscope are in Cartman's basement. They are on a brief tour of the Coon & Friends secret headquarters.
The Coon (gesturing to a small television decked with the Coon logo): This is the Coon & Friends Crime Monitor Super System 3000. It's the device we use to identify situations that might need the assistance of Coon & Friends.
Stethoscope: Cool! You guys have your own TV?
She reaches up to turn it on, but the Coon swipes her hands out of the way.
The Coon: Uh-uh-uh, you keep your filthy little hands off of the Coon & Friends Crime Monitor Super System 3000, Stethoscope! Are you blind? This is clearly marked as a Vagina-Free Zone!
He points to a small label on the bottom of the television. It shows the word "VAGINA" in a red circle with a slash through it. He walks on, followed by a somewhat disappointed Stethoscope. TupperWare and Toolshed walk up to the monitor, look at the label, then look over at the Coon with expressions of bewilderment before they follow them. As they walk past various mechanical devices, signs, posters, and bulletin boards (all labeled as Vagina-Free Zones)
The Coon (as he walks): Now, as you might have noticed, there are more items in the headquarters with similar labels on them. These objects and locations are also Vagina-Free-Zones, or, colloquially, VFZs.
Stethoscope: …But all this stuff is marked.
The Coon: Yes. Exactly.
Stethoscope: Is there anything I can touch?
The Coon: Yes. TupperWare, the Coon & Friends file, please.
TupperWare hands the Coon a thick file.
The Coon: This is the Coon & Friends official file. We've got minutes, proof of purchases, headshots, crime write-ups, mug shots, you name it. All right here.
He opens the file and flips through the pages.
The Coon: Now, as you can see, you're not to touch the crime write-ups, criminal profiles, case notes, or the headshots. But you have all the access to the minutes and receipts your little heart desires.
He hands Stethoscope a smaller file within the large one. She looks at the pages, then she looks at the Coon.
The Coon: You're welcome.
They approach the table, where each of the chairs seems to be labeled as VFZs as well. Charlie, ignoring this, sits down in one of them.
The Coon: The fuck, Stethoscope? You can't just rub your ass all over Mosquito's chair! That's how people get the clap, asshole!
Stethoscope (standing up): Wait… but all the chairs are labeled as VFZs, then where do I sit?
The Coon: [Pause.] Who said anything about you sitting?
TupperWare: Now you're just being an asshole, Coon.
The Coon: Fine! Fine. Stethoscope, you can sit down, but you have to bring your own chair. Now, TupperWare, go through the past minutes and teach her how to keep the records. My Coon Senses are telling me that there are pizza bagels upstairs.
The Coon & Friends (& Secretary) sit at the table in the headquarters, looking bored. Several of them rest their elbows on the table. Mint-Berry Crunch is asleep in his chair, drooling a little. Only the Coon is still fully alert, flipping through major and local news channels on The Coon & Friends Crime Monitor Super System 3000.
The Coon: Politics… politics… celebrity news… sports… politics… human interest story… politics…
Toolshed (bored and tired): Dude, maybe we should just call it a night. Nothing's happening.
The Coon (dramatically): There's always something happening, Toolshed. You just need to keep your eyes open. [He continues flipping through channels.] Celebrity sex scandal… something happening in Africa; don't really give a shit… Damn it! Why isn't anybody doing anything? We just need someone to break into a convenience store; is that too much to ask?
Stethoscope: You know what you guys all need?
The Coon: Aspirin if you don't stop frickin' talking.
Stethoscope: You guys all need origin stories.
Mint-Berry Crunch: Origin stories?
Human Kite: It's a story about how you got your superpowers. You know, like Superman's an alien from the planet Krypton and Spiderman got bit by a radioactive spider.
Stethoscope: And Batman's some pissed-off rich guy whose parents got killed. All superheroes have origin stories.
Anchorman: And in other news, Park County police have reported that a body—
[Toolshed: Turn it up! Turn it up!
The Coon turns up the volume on the television.]
Anchorman: -was discovered this afternoon in the Forest Preserve off Rt. 38. Police declined to comment on the body's identity or whether foul play is suspected, but they did say that the death did not appear to be of natural causes.
Human Kite: This looks like a case for Coon & Friends!
The Coon: Right you are, Human Kite. Come, fellow superheroes! We must investigate this crime and deliver justice to those responsible, in the form of long, angry, coonish scratch marks.
The Coon & Friends, along with Stethoscope, stand up and rush toward the stairs. Before they reach them, the Coon pauses and turns to face Stethoscope.
The Coon: Um, where exactly do you think you're going?
Stethoscope: I'm going with you guys!
The Coon: Nuh-uh you aren't. This is a special Coon & Friends mission.
Stethoscope: But I'm in Coon & Friends too.
The Coon: You're the secretary. You're not actually an offical Coon & Friend member. You stay here. And don't touch anything!
Stethoscope dejectedly walks back to her seat (a folding chair) as the others hurry up the stairs.
The Coon & Friends reach the top of the stairs.
The Coon: Mom! Mom! We need you to drive us to the Forest Preserve!
Ms. Cartman emerges from the kitchen.
Ms. Cartman: It's too late, snookums. You'll have to wait until tomorrow.
The Coon: But Maaahhhm! The Coon & Friends have to go to the Forest Preserve for a super-secret special Coon & Friends crime solving mission right nooowww!
Ms. Cartman: I'm sorry, sugarbear, but I can't take your little friends out to the woods this late at night without their parents' permission.
The Coon: But Maaaaaahhhhhhm!
Meanwhile, the other superheroes wait at the basement door. Mysterion looks dazed and stares straight ahead.
Mysterion: I am so confused.
Human Kite: About what?
Mysterion (cupping his hands in front of his chest): It's… it's like they get bigger every single day.
The others look at each other.
Mosquito: Maybe we should add "titty-vision" to Mysterion's superpowers.
Toolshed: Yeah. Mysterion, I think your Kenny is showing.
Ms. Cartman (to the Coon): Eric, I am not driving anyone to the Forest Preserve tonight, and that's final. Now, you and your friends can either finish playing downstairs or you can send them home.
Downstairs, Charlie is carefully sticking Post-It notes to her headpiece, making it look more decorative and colorful. The basement door opens and Toolshed takes a few steps down.
Toolshed: Charlie? We have to go home now.
Stethoscope: Huh? I thought you guys were going on a mission or something.
Toolshed: Nah, Cartman's mom won't drive us.
Stethoscope gets up and starts walking up the stairs.
Stethoscope: Cartman's mom drives you guys to missions? That doesn't sound very superhero-like.
Toolshed: Well, how the hell are we supposed to get from one place to another if nobody drives us?
Stethoscope shrugs. Grabs her clipboard and file folder, then heads up the stairs. She bashes her headpiece against the doorway as she tries to exit the basement.*
Stethoscope: Damn it!
She succeeds the second time. Upstairs, the other heroes have already left. The Coon still whines to his mother by the couch.
Stethoscope: Bye, Cartman.
The Coon: Piss off!
The next day, Stan, Kyle, Kenny, and Charlie get off the school bus. Cartman isn't there. They start to walk together down the street.
Stan: I wonder why Cartman wasn't at school today.
Kyle: Maybe he's in the hospital or something. Wouldn't that be awesome?
Charlie: I'm just glad I get to be in your guyses' group for the history project instead.
Stan: Yeah, I don't know why we don't just work with you all the time. Cartman's a lazy asshole.
Kenny: (Do you guys want to go to my house to work on it?)
Kyle: Sure.
The group reaches Kenny's house. They enter through the dilapidated building and are greeted by Kenny's mother, Carol.
Carol: Hey, Kenny, sweetheart. Are you having your friends over to play?
Kenny: (No, Ma, we're just doing homework.)
The kids walk toward Kenny's room.
Carol (calling after them): Well, you just make sure they're all home by dinner! We don't have enough bread to make toast for everybody!
They enter Kenny's room and he closes the door, sighing.
Stan: Toast for dinner?
Kenny: (Yeah.)
Stan: Dude, that sucks.
Kyle: And this is where Cartman usually makes some snide comment about Kenny being poor, but he's not here, so I guess we'll have to live without it.
Charlie: I was poor before I lived with Stan's family. Being poor sucks so hard.
Kenny: (Okay, okay! Can we just start working on the dumb project?)
Stan: Sure.
Stan, Kyle, and Charlie sit on the floor and pull out their history books. They start to read on the subject matter at hand. Kenny sits on his bed and takes out his history book too. Hidden inside the textbook is a Playboy magazine. He glances at each of the others. They are focused on their studies. Kenny flips through a few pages before he comes across a nice picture of a naked woman with large breasts lying on her belly. He stares at it for a little bit. Then he then looks down in the direction of his penis. Apparently something is wrong. Looking irritated, he rubs it a little bit, but that doesn't seem to do anything.
Sighing, he tosses the magazine back under his bed and opens his history book again, apparently with the intention of studying. As he settles in, he happens to look at Charlie. She is lying stomach-down on the floor in the same general position as the woman in the Playboy picture. She looks totally normal, but Kenny sees major differences in some of her physical characteristics: specifically, she appears to have quite large breasts. Surprised, he rubs his eyes and looks at her again, but sees the same thing. He glances down. Apparently, he now has an erection. He looks slightly puzzled.
Kenny (quietly): (What the fuck?)
He looks at Charlie again. He then glances in both directions before sticking his hand in his pants. He stares at Charlie. After just a few seconds of this, Stan happens to look up. He glances at Kenny and an expression of disgust crosses his face. When he sees what Kenny's looking at, he is even more outraged.
Stan: KENNY!
Kyle and Charlie both look up at Kenny, who freezes. Charlie, who has no idea what he's doing, looks confused. Kyle, on the other hand, looks appalled.
Kyle: Ah, dude!
Stan: What the FUCK, Kenny?
Kenny finally takes his hand out of his pants, looking embarrassed and ashamed. Stan and Kyle glare at him. After a few moments of silence, Stan stands up.
Stan (glowering at Kenny): Kyle, would you please take Charlie home? I need to talk to Kenny. Alone.
Kyle ushers Charlie out of the room. He then peeks his head back through the door.
Kyle (hissing at Kenny): You sick motherfucker.
Kyle slams the door and leaves Stan and Kenny alone. Neither boy says anything; Stan glares at Kenny, who avoids eye contact and twiddles his thumbs. Finally, after about ten seconds of silence Stan begins to yell.
Stan: What the fuck, Kenny? Seriously: what the FUCK?
Kenny (defensively): (It's not my fault, Stan! It's… it's the titties!)
Stan: Don't you dare make any excuses, you fucking asshole! [Kenny starts crying. Stan rolls his eyes, but he stops yelling.] Dude, come on, Kenny. You… you can't do that, man. You just can't.
Kenny (crying): (I haven't been able to jack off in two weeks, Stan! I… I don't know what's wrong with me!)
Stan: Dude! You're ten!
Kenny (crying): (B-but I have the libido of a seventeen-year-old! [Sniffles] Jacking off isn't just a game for me, okay? It's a lifestyle. And… and I feel so empty!)
Stan: Come on. Now you're just embarrassing yourself. [Kenny lets out an anguished sob.] Honestly! For God's sake, dude, pull yourself together! [Kenny keeps crying.] Kenny? …KENNY!
Stan punches him in the side of the head. Kenny is startled, but the blow seems to have shaken some sense into him.
Stan: Dude, is this, like, a problem with you liking her or something?
Kenny: (No!)
Stan: Because that's cool and all, but dude… you can't keep acting like this. Honestly, you're being a total jackass.
Kenny (rolling his eyes): [Sigh] (You guys won't really understand this until you start producing more testosterone, but there's a big difference between liking a girl and liking her tits.)
Stan: But… yeah, see, that's the thing, Kenny. She doesn't really have tits.
Kenny: (Yes she does! Are you out of your goddamn mind? They're fucking huge!)
Stan (shaking his head solemnly): Dude, I'm sorry, but as her fake brother, I'm telling you that you're either going to knock it off, or I'm gonna have to kick your ass. Bye, Kenny.
Stan walks out of the room. Kenny breathes a heavy sigh.
*Shout out to my man Nick Springthorpe, who suggested this "gag" in a comment to Part 1.