Quinn got off the plane at JFK, it had been a whirlwind, she loved her time with Beth and she'd enjoyed a couple of days with her Mom, it was probably the best visit she'd had in years and it was obvious that it was because of Rachel. Her world had changed in the last few months, all thanks to that reunion they'd agreed on five years ago. Now she was ready to see in the New Year with the woman she thought she was falling in love with and she couldn't be happier. Rachel still phoned her everyday, but she missed not being close. Christmas had been amazing, being with Rachel properly was the most amazing experience of her life and now she wanted to hole up in Rachel's apartment as they saw in the New Year, but it wasn't to be. Rachel was taking her to a party, at first it didn't sound too bad, but then she found out it was at Jesse St James'. She didn't say anything, but knew it was going to be a challenging evening.
New York was cold and she shivered as she stepped out of the taxi and onto the sidewalk, picking up her bag, she wrapped her free arm around herself trying to ward off the bitter chill. A minute later and she was engulfed in the warmth of Rachel's apartment and the comfort of her girlfriends arms.
"I missed you." She sighed into Rachel's hair.
"So much," Rachel gripped a little tighter. "how was my Mom?"
"I didn't mention us, I thought that was something you'd want to do?"
"Yeah sure, someday, maybe. How about your Mom and most importantly how is Beth?"
"Great really, seeing her was different and Beth was lovely. I miss her."
"It must be weird."
"I'm just glad I worked things out with Shelby. I'll never forget how you helped me in senior year, I was so close to messing everything up."
"Do you ever think about having kids again?" Rachel asked absently, not registering the weight of her question until she looked up and saw the look on Quinn's face. "oh, um, I wasn't meaning with me...it's just because we were talking about Beth, and well it's still new this thing with us, so no I wasn't asking because of us, but just that I wondered and now I should probably stop talking, you should stop me talking."
Quinn obliged by placing a soft kiss to Rachel's runaway mouth.
"And the answer is yes. One day. I think a kid or two sounds nice. I want a family. I've always wanted one and to feel I belonged, to be a Mom."
Rachel nodded, a smile grew across her face and she tried to stop it by biting her lip. "Me too."
"So now we've worked out we want kids, we should probably plan the wedding." Quinn jokingly poked Rachel in the ribs and it led to a full blown tickle fest, which only ended when Rachel's hands landed on Quinn's ass.
Just as she was about to get Rachel out of her clothes, the door swung open.
"Oh my eye, my eyes!" Kim screamed dramatically as she walked into the room. It didn't stop her from taking a seat on the couch, waiting for the couple to readjust their clothing. Quinn felt like a little kid as she found herself sitting opposite the strange woman, waiting for her to speak.
"Kim, this is Quinn." Rachel finally found her tongue.
"And you're gay? You're both gay? That's something I would have liked to have known before I caught you fornicating."
"We were not." Rachel protested.
"You were about to." Kim corrected.
"Maybe so, but really you're not my mother!"
"Fair enough, but this isn't really a good move right now. I could spin it, but I don't know Rachel, being a lesbian doesn't tend to lend itself to big contracts, not in Hollywood anyway."
"I'm not a lesbian." Rachel snapped and Quinn turned to look at her, her eyebrow quirked, making Rachel shiver at memories of the past. "I mean, I don't know, but it isn't important what label you use and anyway Quinn's an actor too, she can't be seen with me, so not an issue." she surmised, hoping it would stop Quinn from looking at her like that.
"I can be seen with you." Quinn interjected.
"Not as my girlfriend, lets not do this now." Rachel stood and turned her back to Quinn. "Kim?"
"Keeping it quiet works for me, I just need to know. I can cover up some things, so make sure you are discreet."
Quinn groaned and Rachel reached back and took her hand, giving it a gentle squeeze.
"I think we can manage that, now tell me why you're here?"
"Rachel, darling, I wanted to wish you a happy new year, oh and I have your travel itinerary ready for next week. I managed to get you a self-catering apartment for the duration of filming."
"Fantastic, I couldn't live without cooking."
"I know and that's what I told them. I'll be over in week two and then whenever you need me or when there's promotional work to be done. Is that going to be okay?"
"Yes, I'll have Quinn to show me around anyway."
"You're based in Hollywood?" Kim finally turned her attention to Quinn.
"Um..." Quinn nodded, still not sure where she fitted in this scene.
"Excellent, just be quiet. I can get you a list of safe spots to hang out together. To be honest you shouldn't have a problem, it's not like either of you are that well known. No offense Rachel, but those Hollywood types don't know what a Tony is."
"Quinn's kind of well-known."
"Kinda?"
"Lead actor on a CBS hit."
"Oh, seriously I should probably watch that shit, but I love the theatre, don't ask me why Rachel is leaving because I have no idea, but if it works for you Quinn." Kim shrugged dismissively.
Quinn just shook her head, Rachel had been right, she didn't like Kim, but she could see she was the perfect agent for Rachel.
xxx
Rachel led Quinn around New York for the rest of the afternoon, she loved to walk in Central Park and Quinn enjoyed the fact that she could hold her girlfriends hand without a care in the world, her hat and winter coat obscured enough of her features so that no one would recognize her even if she stood under the billboard for A Madness but even so, Rachel had insisted on taking a photo and tweeting it and Quinn willingly played along.
New Year's Eve was upon them and Quinn loved that she was with Rachel, she'd barely celebrated the last few years, it was 4 years ago that she'd last gone to a party and the next day she had woken up in a strangers house with little recollection of the night before. It had been enough of a reason to clean up her act and she'd began to focus more on her career than on her partying. Now she felt like she'd got a new start and as Rachel poured the champagne she readily accepted a glass.
Two hours later and they were in the throngs of Jesse's party. It was loud, brash and Quinn had to admit it was also pretty good fun.
xxx
Quinn left Rachel and went in search of the bathroom, it was on her way back that she overheard her girlfriend talking to Jesse.
"You and Fabray? I can't believe you finally tapped that."
"She's hot right?" Quinn grinned at Rachel's answer, but didn't make her presence known.
"A very pretty girl indeed," Jesse drawled as he wrapped an arm around Rachel. "and now it makes sense why I didn't get anywhere with you in high school...ouch" he grumbled as Rachel punched him playfully in the arm.
"She's amazing."
"But something is wrong? I can tell. Why aren't you all cat calendars and picnics in the park?"
"It's winter."
"That wouldn't normally stop you." He pushed.
"True. Something just feels off and I guess I'm just not sure yet."
"About how you feel? or how she feels?"
"We like each other, a lot, but...well it's going to be really hard, she's still Quinn Fabray."
"I thought this was all about clean slates and second chances?"
"It is, but I don't know who the real Quinn is yet. When I get to L.A she might change again and on top of that I have to be someone I'm not. I can't take her out and hold her hand. I don't know how I feel about that and then there's my career too."
"Have you talked to Quinn about it?"
"I don't think that's a good idea, she gets defensive. Last time I was there she made us hide and we went miles out of town to a half abandoned restaurant, it was awful and I don't think I can live like that, but then I think it's Quinn and maybe I can, but..."
Quinn flinched as she heard Rachel describe that night. She wanted out of there right this minute, but found that she couldn't move as Jesse continued.
"So maybe your fling is best left in Lima? She isn't the girl you crushed on at school anymore."
"It's not a fling, we had sex." Rachel blurted out.
"That's quick for you? She must be amazing, I seem to recall it took at least 7 dates and three failed attempts and you still wouldn't give it up for me." Quinn cringed at the revelation and imagined Rachel did too before Jesse continued. "but tell me, was it good?"
"She's Quinn Fabray." Rachel answered succinctly and Quinn could tell she was smiling as she spoke, but then there was a pause and it made Quinn's heart thump hard in her chest. "and maybe I did rush into it, but I just really wanted to be with the Quinn I've been seeing the last few months and not the one that plays a part for her agent and her career."
"Hmm was that a good idea? I mean I'm all for playing games and things but did it make it all okay and did the beacon flash saying that Quinn's the one?" Jesse asked dryly.
"I...she..." Rachel stuttered and Quinn could feel a tightening in her chest. "I can't say having sex made my head any clearer. I don't regret it, but I wish I'd taken it slower but then I don't because if we hadn't taken that leap then, well maybe it would never happen and I'd spend the next five years wondering what it'd be like to be with her, so at least I have that. God that sounds so wrong."
"You're just a sex pest." Jesse joked.
xxx
Quinn had heard enough, she made her way through the crowd and just as she walked towards the door she felt a tug at her arm.
"Hey, did you get lost?" Rachel gripped onto her and pulled her back towards the party.
"I was going to get some air."
"It's nearly midnight, come on."
"So that we can stand near each other and smile?" Quinn snapped and Rachel froze.
"What's going on, baby please?"
"Baby?" Quinn laughed off the term of endearment. "I don't want to stand here in a room full of strangers wishing I could kiss you, knowing I can't because so far I've had ten people recognize me and four make propositions."
"What four? Did you tell them your girlfriend is fierce?" Rachel questioned nervously, she knew Quinn was mad, but tried to keep things light.
"Does it matter?" Quinn angrily tried to walk away. Rachel pulled her back.
"Stop, I don't know what is wrong with you, but I want to be with you, here with you, now."
"I don't. I want to be somewhere I can kiss you at midnight, somewhere I feel safe and not spied on, somewhere..."
Rachel grabbed Quinn's arm and led her through the throng of people, she didn't turn back to look at her girlfriend just pulled her along until she found what she was looking for, walking into the room and closing the door after Quinn.
"Somewhere safe?"
'Rachel, please." Quinn pleaded, she felt so deflated but couldn't tear herself away, Rachel's eyes were on her and she wanted to just forget what she'd heard, she wanted Rachel to make it all feel okay again.
"I want you to be happy. I want to kiss you at midnight." Rachel said as she stepped closer to Quinn, resting her hands on the blondes shoulders.
"You wanted to be with all your friends. I can't take that from you."
"You aren't taking anything, trust me. I'm with the person I want to be with."
The crowd outside the room began chanting. 10...9...
"Am I though? Are you really sure?"
7...6...
"More than anything."
3...2...
Quinn closed her eyes, she couldn't work out what to believe anymore.
1...Happy New Year
Rachel stepped on tiptoes pulling Quinn into a kiss that melted all Quinn's senses. She allowed the kiss to deepen, losing her mind to the languid strokes of Rachel's tongue in her mouth. Moaning as Rachel's hands squeezed her butt and pulled her in so that their bodies were flush together.
"Happy New Year." Quinn whispered as she rested her forehead against the brunettes.
"Happy New Year, Quinn." Rachel hushed back, placing a chaste kiss to Quinn's lips. "This really is the only place I want to be."
"The only place..." Quinn repeated despondently. The memory of Rachel's words cutting into her again.
"With you."
"Here, right here. New York, Lima, but not California. California is where I turn into some kind of beast that scares you."
"What are you talking about?"
"Nothing, I need to go." Quinn turned and walked out of the room, collecting her coat and making her way out onto the street, Rachel hot on her heels.
"You won't get a taxi."
"I'll walk."
"I'm coming with you."
"Fine." Quinn snapped as she carried on at a fast pace.
xxx
Rachel walked a step behind, she had no idea why Quinn had turned prickly so suddenly and decided she didn't want to find out while they were out on the cold streets of New York. Twenty minutes later and they were safely in Rachel's front door before she finally turned to face the blonde and allowed her frustrations to bubble to the surface.
"What the fuck is wrong with you?"
Quinn flinched at Rachel's outburst, but quickly composed herself. "I heard what you said to Jesse...what you said about having sex with me to be sure."
"It's not like that. I'm just worried about when I start filming."
"Why are you so worried about L.A? We get to be together."
"What if you freak out again or something?" Rachel whispered, but the impact of the words still smacked Quinn hard in the face.
"Because of last time?"
"Yes." Rachel grimaced as she answered, knowing that she couldn't not be honest, even if it was causing Quinn to look so pained.
Quinn didn't say anything, she just shook her head and sat down.
"Please Quinn, talk to me."
"I just can't."
"I needed to be sure, but I didn't want to wait until we were faced with all those problems, I wanted to know now, what is so wrong with that?"
"And do you? Did having sex with me make all the answers clear, did it make you feel good?"
"Quinn, it was amazing. I wanted you, I still want you. I don't know why you are so angry."
"You just can't see it can you? I feel used, like you were trying me out. Give it a go and see. I feel things Rachel."
"I feel things too."
"Then let go."
"I don't know what you mean." Rachel tried to turn away but Quinn gripped her sides and made her face her.
"Let go to those feelings and be with me."
"I was."
"No, you had sex with me. You haven't given yourself to me. You are too scared and you keep blaming it all on this stupid thing I did in L.A. and we both know that's not what is wrong. You need to work it out, because I can't keep letting you do this to me. I want you. I want us to be together, but you can't keep me at arms length because your scared of getting hurt at some point you need to open up, let go and trust me with your heart or we'll never work."
"And you trust me with your heart?"
"You shouldn't have to ask that."
Rachel sat down in a heap on the floor, it was too much to digest, her head was reeling from the words Quinn had said, mostly because they all seemed to ring true.
"I don't know what to say, I'm your girlfriend, I want to be your girlfriend Quinn, I wouldn't have said yes if I didn't."
"Then be it, but don't keep pushing me away and blaming it on one bad date! I took you to a restaurant I like, to somewhere I knew had a great vegan selection, somewhere I thought you'd like. Fuck Rachel, I thought you would like it. I wasn't trying to hide us, we weren't even an us, but yeah I have to be discreet, so I was nervous and I can't take that back now. If you want this to work then you have to give me a chance. Think about it, you know what I want."
Quinn disappeared into the bedroom, leaving Rachel to think.
"I'll see you in a few days." She said as she walked back into the living room.
"You're going?" Rachel looked up to see Quinn's bags placed by the front door.
"I have to. I can't sit here and wait until you figure it out. I have to protect my heart too. I need to..." Quinn couldn't hold her tears back any longer, she felt some comfort as Rachel's arms wrapped around her, holding her close.
"I'm sorry." Rachel whispered.
"Me too." Quinn pulled away and grabbed her bags, she looked back to Rachel one last time before pulling the door closed. She hated leaving, but knew it was for the best. She just hoped Rachel understood and that she figured things out soon.