A/N: Re-upload. No idea what went on with fanfiction last night, but I didn't get my usual notifications, so maybe you didn't too. Sorry if you did, this is just the same chapter with this note added. Not even sure if it is working properly yet as got some strange things going on, but maybe this is worth a try.

"Fuck." Rachel screamed as she finally managed to lift the magazine off the table, staring at the image didn't make it go away and now she was stuck reading the words underneath. She knew she shouldn't be surprised at how easily they strung a bunch of lies together, but it still got to her. She couldn't imagine what Quinn had thought when she saw it, the picture was a moment that a camera had captured and it didn't tell the truth at all. It looked romantic, it looked like she was kissing him and she knew that wasn't what happened, it was a shot of a moment that didn't happen. The pictures accompanying it were of Jesse laughing as they walked along and an old shot of them cuddling back when she first met up with him in New York.

Her shock finally shifted when she heard Quinn's car make a hasty exit and realized that she was now stuck in her apartment alone. Looking at her empty wine glass she cursed the fact that she'd drunk too much to follow Quinn to her place, but she wasn't giving in. Instead she called a taxi, she wasn't going to let this one go, not again, they were both getting too good at running away and Rachel knew she had to change that pattern.

The rain was still falling heavily as the taxi weaved through the traffic and it was less than thirty minutes later that she found herself stood on a strange doorstep, outside a building that matched the address she had for Quinn.

Quinn answered on the third knock and Rachel was a little shocked at her disheveled appearance. She had changed into some baggy sweatpants and a loose hanging top that just didn't fit with her usual vision of Quinn, but it was Quinn and even dressed like this she looked good. At closer inspection she could clearly see that Quinn had been crying, but the tears were gone and now the blonde just scowled at her, not saying a word. Rachel didn't wait to be invited in, she just pushed past Quinn and into the apartment, it was her first ever visit and this is not how she'd hoped it'd go down, but she had to do something, leaving Quinn to calm down wasn't an option anymore, waiting in New York for three days had been a mistake, she knew that now. She couldn't believe a photo was coming between them, tonight was meant to be about making it all right, about telling Quinn she was ready to let go, that she was ready to be with her and now she was looking at the woman she wanted and all she could see was the pain she'd caused her and it made her want to wrap her in her arms and hope that it would all disappear, but she knew it wouldn't fix things, not this time.

"It's not what you think." Her voice was shaky and she desperately tried to calm it with measured breaths, but it wasn't working despite all her years of training and voice control.

"I don't want to do this now, please Rachel." Quinn sounded broken and it made Rachel ache inside.

"No. I'm not doing this again, we both keep running off, you have to let me explain."

"I don't have to do anything. I need to stop letting you hurt me." Quinn snapped and Rachel shuddered, before regaining her focus.

"Quinn." Rachel whispered her name as she moved closer to the blonde, hesitantly she lifted her hand to Quinn's face and when Quinn didn't flinch she gently wiped away the mascara stain from her cheek. "I don't want to hurt you."

Quinn pulled her face away and stared at the picture she'd framed after the reunion. "I knew letting my past back in would only mean pain."

"This is silly, please Quinn. He kissed me! I didn't kiss back, it's Jesse! You know I don't feel anything for him."

"Why? Why would he think he could kiss you? It was the morning after I left, it didn't take you long..."

"I went to see him, I told him what happened and he told me I was stupid and he was right. I talked and he listened and then for some crazy reason he grabbed me and kissed me, it was not consential, not at all. I told him to back off, it's only Jesse, you really have nothing to be jealous of."

"Wow." Quinn said in disbelief. "Just answer me this, how can I trust you?"

"Because." Rachel shook her head. "maybe you can't, but I'm telling the truth. The truth is I like you, I always have and yes I've been too scared to let that take over. I know how reckless I am when I develop deep feelings for someone and that terrifies me. The girl you knew at McKinley is not someone I want to be again. My focus has to be my career, I nearly let my dreams go because of Finn, thinking he was something special, I was really just a girl that was desperate to be accepted. I lost my virginity to make him feel better when he lost out on his dreams! It was a stupid mistake and being around you reminds me of all of that, of all the mistakes I made at high school."

Quinn didn't move a muscle, she was half contemplating closing the small space between them, taking Rachel in her arms and making it all fade away with one touch, she wasn't angry but as she watched the brunette she had one question. "and you think I'm one of your mistakes?"

"No." Rachel looked up at Quinn, startled at the question, that was not what she'd meant to say at all, but Quinn's eyes were soft and Rachel felt safe when she looked in them now.

"And what if I wouldn't let you do that? What if your dreams mattered to me too, what if they always had?"

Rachel wet her lips nervously, sucking them between her teeth as her heart swelled with the words Quinn spoke. "My honest answer?"

Quinn nodded and Rachel nervously continued. "That you feel that, that you cared like that well it scares me and excites me. I want this thing with us to be all the things I've dreamt of, I really do. I don't want it to end, not over Jesse. I want to try, I want to know what we are and I'm sorry that I turned to him...Jesse is my friend and..."

"Don't." Quinn broke away and moved to the fridge, slowly she fixed herself a drink, the last thing she wanted right now was to hear about Jesse.

"Can we start again?" Rachel moved behind her and took the bottle from Quinn's hand, before resting it on the side, she let her fingers run over Quinn's forearm, gently stroking the pale skin before meeting hazel eyes and feeling the air sucked from her lungs at the sadness she now saw.

Quinn had been focussed on Rachel's movements, but then when their eyes locked she felt like her heart was being pulled from her chest, her voice barely above a whisper. "I don't know. I feel so many things right now and I'm scared that if you aren't ready this time then it'll be me that gets hurt again."

"Let me try, we can take it slower? I think we took a giant leap and I didn't realize it was just so big so soon, its...Just let me take you to dinner? Tomorrow?"

Quinn shook her head before looking up and meeting Rachel's gaze, her heart felt so heavy and she just wanted Rachel to take it and make it okay again.

"Tomorrow." She nodded her agreement and Rachel grinned back. "but this is not what it was. I'm not your girlfriend, I can't pretend that you didn't say those things, that you didn't mean them." She added and the grin on Rachel's face soon disappeared.

"Okay." Rachel agreed sadly, feeling a little awkward that she was stuck in Quinn's home. "I can do that, but Quinn?"

"Yes?"

"I want you to know that I really care about you and that having sex with you, well I wasn't using you. I wanted to be with you for the right reasons, I just let the wrong ones lead me and it was the wrong ones that I told Jesse about. The truth is I couldn't stop myself. I lost control and blamed it on my own insecurities about us because that was easier than accepting how much I wanted you, how happy you have made me these last few months and what we did was right, it was and I shouldn't have freaked out."

"I...uh...Rachel maybe it was a mistake? It was definitely too soon."

"Do you regret it? Because I don't. I can't remember what I said to Jesse, but I know what I didn't say. I didn't say that it was special and amazing and something that felt right, like I was always meant to be with you. Ugh I don't know how to say this without sounding like a sex fiend." Rachel sighed in frustration, not sure if she was getting through to Quinn or not.

"I don't regret it. I couldn't. But maybe for now we should try being friends? I need to learn a way to control myself around you and..."

"That sounds a bit dull."

"It does." Quinn laughed but it soon faded away. "Honestly I don't know how it'll work. I feel bruised, but tomorrow...tomorrow we can try." Quinn shrugged.

"Thank you." Rachel let out a breath and closed her eyes, she'd thought she'd messed up her chance with Quinn and was glad that she still had something to hold on to.

"I'll call you a cab." Quinn picked the handset up and Rachel quickly reached out to stop her.

"Can I get a coffee first?" she asked hopefully, not wanting their time together to end so soon after they'd made some kind of resolution. Quinn nodded her consent before making a pot. They sat at the kitchen table as it brewed, neither spoke until two cups were poured and placed on the table in front of them.

"I'm sorry I walked out on New Year's Eve." Quinn said as she watched Rachel idly stir her drink.

"Don't be, I deserved it."

"You really did." Quinn laughed lightly and Rachel joined in.

"So at least we both agree on that." Rachel added. "but can I just ask something?"

"What?"

"If you are a star, why is this place so drab?" Rachel gestured to the room they were sat in, but Quinn knew she meant the whole apartment, it was a rental and she'd never really bothered to make it anything special. She hadn't seen a need to.

Shaking her head and biting her lip didn't stop the smile from creeping across her face. "Still the same Rachel."

"Oh, god sorry, I shouldn't have said that."

"But its true, I don't really care for it, this is just where I sleep."

"It should be a home."

"It's not. I've not...home isn't four walls, not to me." Quinn bit her lip again but this time it was to stop a sadness engulfing her as she remembered when she'd last felt at home, wishing that it was still easy, but knowing it no longer could be.

"I'm sorry." Rachel mumbled thinking she'd taken things too far.

"It's not your fault, life just didn't work that way for me." Quinn tried to sound casual but her voice betrayed her.

"Well, maybe one day, or I could..." Rachel stopped, she didn't want to start planning Quinn's future and perhaps redecorating her home was too much right now.

They talked absently about work and Rachel's schedule, easy and comfortable subjects that didn't cause conflict. It was an hour later that Quinn failed to stifle a yawn as she checked her watch.

"I should go." Rachel stood.

"Sorry, It's just I have an early call time and today was a bit manic, so...I'll call you a taxi?"

"Thanks and thanks for talking to me, for letting me explain."

It wasn't long before she was seeing Rachel out of the door, the brunette leaning back in to place a chaste kiss to Quinn's cheek.

"I'll see you tomorrow." Quinn said as she tried not to grab Rachel and kiss her back like her life depended on it.

"You will." Rachel smiled back at her and then climbed into the taxi, waving as it drove away.

xxx

Quinn slowly closed the door and fell back against it, sinking to the floor. She wasn't sure if she was happy or relieved or just numb, she chose numb, because none of her feelings seemed to be complete, they were all just hanging on the precipice of being something, but she couldn't say what.

Since she'd left New York she'd been a mess, Rachel's words to Jesse had rocked her, then the magazine appeared and she was wrecked. Before that she'd felt guilty for walking out and leaving Rachel that night, the fact that Rachel didn't call had made her feel worse, but then she saw that kiss and she was left hating herself for being so ready to fall in love with Rachel, because nothing had ever hurt like this.

Then Rachel had arrived and said the things Quinn needed to hear, the truth. That Jesse was a jerk and that Rachel did like her, but it was all just words and words had been said and promises had been broken. As those thoughts spiraled in her mind she somehow got to her feet and made her way into the kitchen, a bottle of vodka was waiting for her and as she swallowed the first glass, she took comfort as the warmth filled her from inside and pushed away her woes. She took another shot and kicked her feet out on the couch, desperate to forget her sorrow and wondering if she could really give Rachel another chance?

Tomorrow both scared and exited her, she'd get to see Rachel and yet that was almost a torture at the same time. Picking up her phone, she scrolled down to a name she rarely called and when it answered after one ring she felt her body shake as she said "I'm in trouble."

"Quinn, it's ok, just tell me?" Judy spoke softly on the end of the line and Quinn wished she was a teenager again, in the comfort of her mothers arms. Except she never had that relationship with her Mom, it was all make believe and fairytales but, for now, the thought would be enough, just as it was when she was younger.

"I fell for someone and...I just don't know what to believe now, they used me, I think, it's just such a mess Mom."

"You think he used you?"

"I don't, I overheard something, but they said it was nothing and a misunderstanding, but I don't know. Now they want to be with me, they want to try and I don't know what to do because I saw a photo of them kissing someone else and she um...they...uh...said that it was just a stupid prank. Mom, how do I trust someone again?"

"Quinn...I..." Judy stuttered and Quinn sighed.

"Any advice would be great right now." She added hopefully.

"Any advice?" Judy questioned.

"Anything Mom, I'm so confused."

"Then ask yourself some questions. Is he worth it? Does he make you feel like you couldn't imagine a day without him? Is seeing his face the highlight of your day and does his smile make you smile because your heart feels warm? If you can answer yes to any of those then I think you have to try. Trust will come. If you believe it was a prank and that he didn't mean anything in kissing her, then you have to forgive, you can't drag that baggage around because it won't work out. A kiss isn't always what it seems, but be careful."

"Thank you. How do you know all that?"

"I had to ask myself all those questions once. My answer was no to all of them." Judy's laugh didn't lose it's bitterness as it carried down the phone line.

"Is that why you never got back with him?"

"Yes, and it's what I told him..." Judy went silent and Quinn took a moment to realise why.

"Oh, so then he? I don't think my thing is the same. Oh Mom." Quinn let the memory of the day her father died creep into her head and it was vicious, she wanted to cry but her tears had been spent, instead she reached out for the bottle on the table, but before she wrapped her fingers around the neck, her Mom spoke.

"Don't Quinn. Everything is better now, for both of us. We did the right thing. I don't regret that day."

"You're right, I know. It's just I've never talked about it."

"Maybe one day you'll trust this new man enough?"

"Maybe."

Quinn nibbled her bottom lip, she wasn't ready to correct her Mom on the gender, she had enough to deal with, but what her Mom was saying was helping and she'd been nodding her head as she listened. She wanted to give Rachel that chance, she just wanted someone else to support her in taking that risk.

Her Mom was good for a ten minute chat, but then it was back to the vodka, after another couple of shots she could feel it taking a hold of her body and numbing the pain in her heart. She held the bottle up and looked at it, realizing after a few minutes that it really didn't hold any answers, but took one last shot anyway, before crawling under the duvet, pulling it over her head in an attempt to shut out the outside world. Tomorrow would be a new day and tomorrow she'd try to start again.

xxx