Healing yourself is connected with healing others. Yoko Ono
Healing may not be so much about getting better as about letting go of everything that isn't you – all of the expectations, all of the beliefs – and becoming who you are. Rachel Naomi Remen
Healing Others
Kathryn Janeway acknowledged crewmembers as she passed by, but didn't break stride as she made her way through Voyager's corridors. She had set herself a tight schedule. For days she had been running on a timetable that left her little down time. Years of practice enabled her to function on minimal sleep. But these days she found that she didn't sleep well even when she was exhausted.
Right now she was returning from another session of sitting with the Doctor. He had been traumatized by self-imposed guilt when he retrieved the memory of a life-or-death medical decision that he had based on his personal feelings rather than a purely medical judgment. The crew took regular turns staying with the Doctor. The Captain took more shifts than anyone. She felt responsible for his struggles because it was originally her decision to suppress the memories that now haunted him.
It seemed to Kathryn that she had made a hell of a lot of decisions lately that pushed aside the personal needs of her crew. She had overruled B'Elanna's objections and authorized her treatment by the Cardassian hologram. That decision saved the ship's Chief Engineer. It prevented the crew from having to add one more painful loss to a very long list of losses. But the price of that decision was the damage done to her relationship with B'Elanna.
After the information meeting with the Monean authorities didn't turn out as well as she had hoped, she had decided that it was best for Voyager to leave Monea. Rather than giving Tom an opportunity to talk through his concerns, she summarily cut off his attempt to get her to change her mind. In making that decision, she seriously misjudged the importance of Monea to Tom and instead of dropping the matter, he had chosen to act. The least of the consequences for Voyager was the loss of the services of the ship's Chief Pilot for a month.
Most recently, she had reaffirmed an earlier decision to delete the Doctor's memory files. That renewed decision preserved a much needed medical resource for the ship. But, it didn't take into account the possibility that the Doctor may, by now, have developed to the point where treating him primarily as a hologram was no longer a valid option.
She was the Captain. She had to follow protocol and make decisions for her ship and crew. But she was a human being too. As a human being she carried a personal weight of responsibility for each decision that the Captain made. So now she had reversed her decision about the Doctor and given him access to his debilitating memories. But, if she was wrong about giving the Doctor this opportunity to heal and grow, she may have just put the health of her entire crew at risk by permanently depriving them of the only fully trained physician onboard. Damned if she did. Damned if she didn't. These days she made it a priority to make sure that the Doctor was never left alone in his pain.
"Captain!"
Tom Paris' voice reached her from farther back along the corridor. She stopped to wait for him. Tom deserved some of her time. He was carrying a heavy load as well, working at the helm, covering for the Doctor in Sickbay and taking his own turn sitting with the Doctor.
As soon as Tom caught up, she resumed her progress. He shortened his longer stride to match hers.
"What is it, Mr. Paris?" She kept things formal in this busy corridor.
"Actually, it's 'Doctor' Paris at the moment, Captain. I wanted to talk to you about completing your check-up."
"I'm a little busy right now Doctor Paris."
"I know you are, Captain. That's why I wanted to talk to you. I have a suggestion to make."
The Captain stopped to face him. "What kind of suggestion?"
Tom explained with careful earnestness. "You see, the Doctor wanted to get you to come to Sickbay to finish the rest of your physical. I know how busy you are, especially now. So I thought of a way we could complete your check-up without wasting valuable time."
The Captain eyed him with suspicion. "What did you have in mind?"
"Well, I need to replicate a new list of medical supplies. I don't have enough medical clearance for all the compounds. If you come by Sickbay to review and approve the list, I could do the rest of your physical at the same time."
"You've taken over in Sickbay before. Why do you need my authorization this time?"
"The other times, Doc set things up for me before he left. This time is different. We never expected him to be out of commission this long. I'm starting to run short of some supplies."
"Chakotay can authorize the supplies that you need, or arrange temporary clearance so that you can do it yourself. You don't need to ask me."
"I don't need an excuse to get Chakotay to Sickbay," Tom explained. "I didn't want to waste the opportunity." He added candidly.
"Good thinking," she approved, tongue-in-cheek. "Very well. I can squeeze in some time at 15:00. I'll stop by Sickbay then."
"Thank you, Captain. That will be a big help."
"Don't think you're being clever," she told him.
"Captain," he protested in full innocent mode. "If I had wanted to put something over on you, I never would have told you, up front, that I was trying to get you to Sickbay to finish your check-up."
She wasn't convinced by his act. But she was amused by his tactics. She also had a reason of her own to agree to stop by Sickbay. On top of everything else that Tom had been through, he and Tuvok were recently stranded on a planet, together with the Doctor and a woman named Noss. Because the planet was located inside a gravity well that caused time to speed up, for Tom and Tuvok the short time they had spent on that planet had been months. The Captain wanted to make use of this opportunity to see how Tom was coping. She hadn't felt the need to explain any of this to Tom, however. Being Captain meant that there were some things that she could keep to herself. She mentally readjusted her schedule and resumed her journey to the bridge.
Tom smiled as he turned to make his way back to Sickbay. For now, mission accomplished. He was quite pleased with himself for managing to convince the Captain to come in for the rest of her check-up. It was becoming increasingly clear to him that her added workload, looking after the Doctor, was wearing her down. At this rate it wouldn't take long before her health was affected too. Doctor Paris wasn't going to let that happen without doing everything that he could to help out.
That afternoon, Tom settled comfortably into the Doctor's chair. He got a great deal of satisfaction from the work he was doing in Sickbay. By now he had been assisting the Doctor long enough to handle routine medical procedures without difficulty. This day presented him with enough variety to keep him busy, but nothing that overtaxed his medical skills. In the morning, in addition to monitoring the Doctor's experiments, he had healed a rash and an earache, updated the inventory, and then treated multiple abrasions from a minor accident in Engineering. A visit from B'Elanna during her morning break had been a bonus. She was checking on her injured staff and had fit in a coffee break with Tom. Tom felt better when there was a lot to do. Then he didn't have time to sit around and think. He'd had more than enough of that for a while, first in the brig, and then while trapped on that planet inside the gravity well.
This afternoon he had soothed six upset stomachs. Neelix had been trying out a recipe for a new sauce. A call to the mess hall prevented a larger outbreak. Sickbay's purification system had already removed the more unpleasant odors left behind by his patients. The instruments he had used were cleaned and put away. He had just finished inputting data on the day's activities into the medical files. When the Doctor wasn't around for Tom to annoy, Tom was really very conscientious about taking care of these details. Things were quiet in Sickbay now. The instruments that he needed to complete the Captain's check-up were already set up, neatly arranged on a tray. He still had a few minutes before the Captain was due to arrive.
Just then, Samantha Wildman rushed in, carrying a very upset Naomi Wildman. Tom hurried out of the Doctor's office and helped Sam to settle Naomi on one of the biobeds. Sam wrapped one arm around her daughter's shoulders while Naomi kept a tight grip on her mother's other hand.
"What happened?" Tom asked.
"Naomi was hurrying to see Seven in Astrometrics," Sam answered while quietly comforting Naomi. "She slipped and I think she twisted her ankle."
"Hey, Naomi. Don't you know that you have to be in a shuttle before you can fly?" Tom asked as he passed a tricorder over Naomi's foot and ankle. Naomi smiled weakly at his joke. "How does it feel?" he asked her gently.
"It hurts," she admitted.
"Can you show me exactly where it hurts?"
"Right here, on this side." She pointed with her free hand.
"Anywhere else?"
"No, just there. It hurts a lot though," she said in a small voice.
Tom checked the readings on the tricorder and smiled reassuringly at both of them. "Nothing broken. I know it hurts, though. I'll take care of that for you. Then I'll check to make sure that everything else is okay." Tom proceeded to do just that. "Here we go," he said as he administered a child safe dose of pain reliever. "Now, Naomi, do you think that the Captain's Assistant can help me look after a sprained ankle?"
"I think so. What do I have to do?"
"See these readings? They tell us that the bones are okay. These other readings show us the strained muscle that we need to fix. Why don't you explain these readings to your Mom, while I prepare what we need to heal your ankle?"
"Okay. See, Mom? This is how we can tell what happened to my ankle."
"I see, Honey. I'm sure you and Tom will fix it in no time." Sam threw Tom a grateful smile for calming Naomi and distracting her by involving her in her treatment.
Tom calibrated a regenerator to repair the muscle damage. When he looked up, he noticed that the Captain had entered Sickbay and was standing out of the way beside one of the other biobeds. He nodded to her and she smiled encouragingly at the trio engaged in treating Naomi's injury.
"Now, Naomi," Tom said. "I'm going to move the regenerator over your ankle like this. Put your hand on top of mine so you can feel how to move the regenerator. Careful. No sudden moves. That's it. How does your ankle feel now?"
"Better," Naomi announced brightly.
"I'm going to take some new readings to make sure that we haven't missed anything," Tom explained as he worked. "Looks good," he informed Naomi and glanced up at a relieved Samantha Wildman. "So, Naomi, as Acting Medical Assistant, it will be your job to make sure that the patient stays off her feet for the rest of the day. She can keep her foot elevated on a chair while she's sitting," he instructed Naomi.
"Aye, Sir," she answered in her 'official' tone.
"Come on, Honey," Sam said, picking up her daughter. "Let's get you back to our quarters so you can look after those medical duties."
Now that she would no longer be in the way, the Captain approached Naomi and Sam. "Well done," she praised Naomi. You'll be adding 'Doctor's Assistant' to 'Captain's Assistant' in no time. Naomi beamed proudly at the Captain. "Samantha," the Captain said, addressing Naomi's mother. "Will you need any extra help?"
"No, thank you, Captain. I think we'll be fine. If I need anything, I'll call Neelix."
"Very well," the Captain replied. "I'll cover your shift sitting with the Doctor so you can stay with Naomi. And Neelix's too, if you need him."
"Thank you, Captain. That would help a lot."
"Hey, Naomi," Tom called as they started to leave. "Make sure the patient comes back to Sickbay for a follow-up visit tomorrow. Don't let her forget." He smiled at her and Naomi smiled back.
"Thank you, Tom. Thanks again, Captain," Sam said. Then she carried Naomi out of Sickbay.
"You have a nice way with your patients, Tom," the Captain commented when they were alone.
"Thanks, Captain. Naomi's a good kid," he said, deflecting the praise.
"Were you thinking of training her to be a medical assistant so you can escape from Sickbay?" she teased him.
"What do you mean?"
"I know it's not easy for you to be stuck here," she explained. "I'd planned on you being able to spend more time at the helm."
"Oh, it's not so bad. I really don't mind helping out in Sickbay now that the training is finished. That part made me feel like I was back in my Academy days. The actual job of medic is okay. It kind of reminds me of when I was little and Doc Brown would come around and make everyone feel better. Being able to do some of that, it's a good feeling."
"I guess it is," the Captain said. She smiled warmly and took a seat on one of the biobeds.
Tom removed the tray of instruments that he had used for Naomi and replaced it with the tray that he had set up for the Captain. He picked up a medical tricorder and began his scans. He ran through a series of readings and scans with much less poking and prodding than the Doctor usually inflicted on her.
"So, are we almost finished, Tom?" she asked after a while.
"Almost," he confirmed. "We just have one more thing to do. Can you review my list of medical supplies while I set up Doc's camera?"
"I thought the Doctor already took a picture of me while I was deleting his memory files."
"That shot was partially blocked by the medical console. Doc wanted full side and front views," he explained.
"Very well. Be sure you get my best side," she joked, as she read over the list of supplies on Tom's PADD.
"No problem," he said as he finished setting up. "How's the list?"
"It looks fine to me." She entered her authorization. "Is this everything that you need approved?"
"This covers everything that I'm likely to need for a while. Everything that I have the training to use anyway."
"We're lucky that we have you to cover for the Doctor in Sickbay."
"There so much that the crew needs that I'm not trained to handle. It will be better for everyone when Doc gets back. How was he when you saw him today?"
"The same. He just sat. Or he talked to himself, asking questions. He wasn't happy with his own answers and wasn't interested in hearing anyone else's."
"Yeah, that's the way he is with me." Tom fell silent for a moment, gathering his thoughts.
Kathryn waited patiently.
"Captain, I was wondering," Tom began, carefully feeling his way.
"Yes?" she encouraged.
"About Doc and everything. On that planet, we were short of energy reserves and had to shut down Doc's emitter. Doc's a hologram and you can do that. There was just Tuvok, Noss and me, alone together for weeks. Then Tuvok got injured, we needed Doc's help and reactivated him. It was good to have him back with us. It wasn't just because he could help Tuvok. It was good to have him there. Doc's a hologram and a friend. He's both of those things, together. I don't think he can separate the part of himself that is a friend from his medical program anymore than I could turn myself into an expert spider hunter."
"I think you're right, Tom. But, I'm not sure how we can get the Doctor to see that."
"Usually when I visit Doc, I fill him in on what's happening in Sickbay," Tom explained. "When i sit my regular shift tonight, I'm going to tell him about your physical and about how you're looking more and more tired these days."
"You're going to tell him what?" The Captain's tone warned him that she was not pleased with this idea.
"Captain, the Doctor has to find a way to see that being a Doctor doesn't have to conflict with being a friend, not the way he has it stuck in his head anyway. Being a friend can help him to be a better Doctor. But the only way that I know to get him see that, is to get him thinking about somebody other than himself again. Believe me I know what I'm talking about." He turned around and began to search through the instrument tray for something that he didn't really need.
Kathryn observed him thoughtfully. Tom had so often proven his resilience, bouncing back from hardships and reversals. It was sometimes easy to forget that those bounces left bruises. "How have you been?" she asked.
"Okay, I guess," he answered. "The first couple of days back from that planet were really weird. People came up to me and asked about arrangements that, from their point of view, were made only days ago. They said things like, 'Where were you? We were supposed to meet for breakfast this morning,' or 'Don't you remember that you promised to have that report finished today?' For me, those arrangements were made months ago. I barely remember them. Maybe it's good that I've had so much to do to keep me occupied."
"Tuvok told me how well you adapted to a very difficult situation on that planet."
Tom shrugged. "There wasn't much else to do. No point crying over spilt milk. Just go on and try to make the best of things."
"He said that you made a great effort to 'sustain morale and cohesion within the group'."
"I guess that's one way to put it." Tom recalled his unsuccessful attempts to help Noss and Tuvok find something better than mere survival in their lives together. Then Tom laughed. "You know, " he told the Captain. "I think Tuvok would agree that I'd never make a very good Vulcan."
"Maybe that's a good thing," she suggested. "Why would you want to waste your time trying to be a mediocre Vulcan, when you already make a very good human being?"
Tom frowned. He could listen to you talk about his superb piloting skills and even match you, word for word, bragging about his expertise on the holodeck. Hearing personal praise made him feel uncomfortable.
The Captain reached out and gently patted his arm. "I tell you what. Let's give your idea about the Doctor a try and we'll see what happens."
Tom smiled gratefully. "Make sure Doc can see that you really are tired, Captain. This has to be convincing. Doc may be sick, but he hasn't lost all his marbles."
"His what?"
"Oh, sorry, old expression. I mean that he can still tell if something looks suspicious."
"I'll do my best. I only hope it helps."
"Me too," he agreed.
That night on the holodeck, Tom chatted on as if the Doctor really was paying attention to him. "So, Doc, all in all, it was a pretty busy day. You're lucky that you're in here, taking a vacation. It must be nice. Of course, not all of us are so lucky. Some of us have to work. I must be doing something right, though. I got the Captain to come in to finish her physical, the one she cut short with you." Tom looked over at the Doctor to check for a reaction. Nothing. Tom was running out of things to say to try to get on the Doctor's nerves, to irritate him into saying something. Tom sighed. Time to try the new plan. It wasn't stretching the truth to point out to the Doctor how much his breakdown was affecting the Captain. If this idea didn't work, they'd soon end up with two seriously ill senior staff members on their hands.
"It's a good thing that the Captain did come in," Tom told the Doctor. "I didn't realize before just how tired she's getting. Of course I guess it's no surprise, considering all the work that she's been doing. I mean, she has this whole ship to run and then she comes here every day to sit with you. And aren't you a barrel of laughs, not concerned about anyone but yourself anymore."
The Doctor lifted his head at that last comment.
"Yes!" Tom cheered silently. "Frankly, Doc, I'm disappointed in you for not noticing sooner how all this is affecting the Captain's health. I guess it's a good thing that I'm filling in for you. Maybe I should think about setting up my own practice. What do you think?"
The Doctor blinked.
"Okay," Tom said to himself. "Keep the ball rolling." In a louder voice he said, "If you can think about somebody besides yourself for a while, try to keep an eye on the Captain, will you? Make sure that she doesn't wear herself out and come down with something." Tom saw what might have been a flicker of life in the Doctor's eyes. He couldn't be sure. Well, he had done what he could. The rest was up the Captain, and to the Doctor.
"Hello, Tom," the Captain greeted him when she arrived for her shift. "You'd better get going. You have another early day tomorrow."
"Right, Captain. 'Night, Doc," he called to the unmoving figure in the chair. He shook his head and left. He'd had a long day today and he had another long one tomorrow. After his early shift at the helm and before his half shift in Sickbay, he was planning to get in a couple of hours work on some flight simulations that he wanted to set up to sharpen the skills of the back-up pilots. He was tired. But right now, busy was better. And it did feel good to see that his work made a difference on the ship.
The Captain walked over to the Doctor and crouched down in front of him. She put down the book she was carrying and took both of his hands in hers. "Hello, Doctor. How are you tonight?"
The Doctor stared straight ahead.
The Captain picked up her book and walked over to sit in the chair provided for the Doctor's companions. She was reading 'La Vita Nuova', which meant 'The New Life'. During this long double shift on the holodeck, she found that the poems in the book helped her to sort through her questions about who the Doctor had become, and about who he and others on the ship now were in her life. She was so absorbed in thought that she didn't notice when she finally started to drift off.
"Captain!"
She jumped. "Oh, sorry." She looked up to see the Doctor standing over her. "It's been a long day," she explained guiltily.
"What's wrong?" he demanded.
"Nothing," she answered automatically.
"You're ill!" he stated in alarm.
"Headache," she said, waving him away.
He reached down to touch her forehead. "Fever!" he accused her. "You've got a fever!"
"I'll live."
"Medical emergency! Someone's got to treat you immediately. Call Mr. Paris! You've got to get to Sickbay!"
She realized that he had momentarily lost his absorption in his own pain. Wasn't that what they had hoped for? She stood up to put her hands on his arms. "Doctor, I'm a little busy right now, helping a friend."
His concern struggled with, and overcame, the hold that his pain had over him. "I'll be all right. Go. Sleep. Please!" he urged her. "I'll still be here tomorrow."
"Sure?" she asked softly.
"Yes. Please. I don't want to be responsible for any more suffering." He left her to return to his own chair.
She carefully placed her book down, leaving it open at the page she had been reading. On her way out, she stopped in front of the Doctor. "Good night. If you need anything?"
"I'll call," he finished for her. "Thank you, Captain."
As the holodeck doors closed, the Doctor sat staring across the room at the book the Captain had left behind. He'd thought that he'd accepted the adventure, the challenge of expanding beyond his program. But his programming had always provided him with a safety net. Anything that went wrong, he could blame on an error in his program. What happened when he had to accept that he was the one who was making decisions, not some team of programmers back in the Alpha quadrant? 'The New Life', that's what he was, a new life. What did that mean? He didn't know. Maybe he should find out. After all, he was a Doctor and he had patients who needed him.
As the Captain walked through her ship, the headache that that had threatened to lay siege loosened its grip and slipped away. The Doctor had made a break through tonight. She was sure of it. He had already become so much more than he had been when they first started their journey. What more could he become? She didn't know the answer. At least this time she'd been able to give him the opportunity to figure that out for himself.
Kathryn felt that the heavy weight that she had been carrying was now, somehow, lighter. All of her questions hadn't found answers and all her problems hadn't miraculously disappeared. But, for the first time in what seemed to be a very long time, she thought that she might sleep through the night.
The End
Authors notes:
1) Most of the dialogue between the Captain and the Doctor near the end of the story is borrowed from the episode, Latent Image. The rest of the story is the product of my imagination.
2) The episode, Gravity, was filmed before Latent Image, although it was aired later. For this story, I followed the production order.
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