It seems like everyone and all their first and second cousins have written something in response to Knockout and now here I am throwing mine into the mix. I wasn't going to but every time I sat down to work on something else all I could think about was that finale. Maybe writing this will let me think about something else for a while. Yeah, that's unlikely to happen. Can it please be September now?
This chapter's song is "Signs of Life" by Andrew Belle.
-oooo-
"'Cause all these doctors say that this is an emergency
I'd give my eyesight for a little bit of urgency
Or just some signs of life from you"
-oooo-
"For a man who makes his living with words you sure have a hell of a time finding them when it counts."
His mother had been right about him, as she usually was. He had made a career and a name for himself out of his talent for stringing words together into the perfect combinations to tell the stories he spun in his head. He'd never had any trouble expressing himself in writing, but in the real world it was a different story.
Sure, he could be charming and clever and he had a certain talent for talking his way out of or into things, but moments when it really counted, when it came to matters of the heart, he fumbled around blindly, searching for the right words to say, and usually came up empty. The difference was writing allowed for certain luxuries that real life didn't- the time to sit back and think things through, to play around with the choice and arrangement of words until he found the perfect ones, the ability to control how each person would react or the ability to change the scenario completely.
But this time, in this horribly real moment, he didn't have to struggle to find the words. They just came flooding out of his mouth as he cradled her head in his hand, his desperate pleas turning into a confession he couldn't keep to himself a minute longer.
"Kate, please. Stay with me, Kate. Don't leave me. Please. Stay with me, okay? Kate, I love you. I love you, Kate."
They may not have been the most eloquent combination of words, and if he was writing this scene instead of living it, he might have chosen differently, but his words were real and honest and in that moment eloquence didn't matter, even to a writer.
He had one fleeting half second of hope when he thought he saw a hint of a smile on her lips and in her eyes, but in the next second her eyes had fallen closed and her head rolled back as she lost her fight to stay conscious against the flood of shock and pain that was surely coursing through her body.
For a moment all he could do was stare at her as he kneeled above her, desperately willing her to open her eyes and come back to him.
He felt dizzy and as though his stomach had turned inside out and then disappeared entirely, leaving him hollow and empty, except that his chest felt so full of terror that he could barely breathe.
His eyes left her face and traveled over the shiny brass buttons of her uniform to where her limp hand was resting over the bullet hole in her abdomen. He could see the dark, wet stain spreading across the blue fabric and bright, ruby red staining the pure white glove.
The sight seemed to be the spark he needed to jolt him back into action. He gently moved her hand away and pressed both of his own over the wound, trying to prevent anymore of her life from seeping out of her. He could feel her blood, warm and wet, oozing between his fingers and he wished, not for the first time, that he had been quicker, better.
That he had been able to convince her to back off, like everyone had been counting on him to.
That he had realized what that flash of reflected sunlight was the instant he'd seen it.
That he had gotten to her faster.
That it was him lying lifelessly on the grass with the bullet in him, slowly bleeding out.
But he hadn't been able to and he had been too slow and she was the one on the ground.
He kept his eyes on her, oblivious to everything that was happening around them. All he was aware of was her blood under and around his hands and her pale, unresponsive face and closed eyes. His gaze traveled back and forth all over her, anxiously searching for a sign that she was still with him.
He only became aware of the people around him again when Lanie appeared before him and pressed a hand firmly on top of his, using her other to feel for a pulse on Kate's neck. He swore he could feel his own heart stop beating when it took her several seconds to find it.
Finally she looked up and met his eyes. "It's weak but it's there, just don't move your hands." Her voice was shaky and her eyes were glistening with unshed tears but she looked determined. He didn't need to tell her that he had no intention of removing his hands from the bullet hole. Lanie's hands were now pressing so hard on top of his own that he couldn't have moved them even if he had the will or the strength in his trembling limbs to do so.
He had no idea how much time had passed since the shot had been fired. His mind seemed to have lost the ability to process the passage of time. Each moment Lanie reached out to check for a pulse on Kate's neck felt like an eternity and the moment of relief when she nodded in confirmation passed quicker than Lanie could move her hand back to press on his again. There was a smudge of blood on the pulse point of Kate's neck now and it kept catching his eye like a large, horrible ruby pendant, bright against her pale skin. He wanted someone to wipe it off. She already had too much blood on her.
He didn't even hear the ambulance when it arrived, but suddenly there was another set of hands pressing on the wound and someone was pulling him away before he had a chance to fight them. Lanie was talking quickly to the paramedics, medical terminology sliding easily off her tongue, her façade of professional demeanor masking the inner turmoil he knew she was feeling.
Someone placed their hand on his shoulder but he couldn't take his eyes off of Kate to turn to see who it was. He could only watch as they slid the stretcher under her limp body and transferred her to the back of the ambulance.
He had thought that holding her in his arms in that freezer and watching as she slipped into unconsciousness, knowing that death would not be far behind, would be the worst experience of his life, but this was just as bad. Both times he'd done what little he could, but beyond that was helpless to do anything but watch and wonder if this was going to be her end.
His numb legs carried him toward the ambulance, unwilling to let too much distance come between them. Lanie still had her hands pressed firmly over Kate's bloody abdomen and the EMTs were working around her, gathering bandages and checking vital signs. He heard one of them radio ahead to the hospital, informing them that they had an emergency case coming in.
It was an emergency, she was an emergency case, and yet they were all so calm and controlled, their movements and words coming easily as they prepared to leave.
In some rational part of his mind he knew that it was good that they were so calm. They could do their jobs better that way. They were thinking clearly and wouldn't make mistakes. But in reality, all rational thought had flown out of his mind the second that bullet had flown through the air and pierced her skin. He wanted some sense of urgency, an indication that they realized how important and special and irreplaceable she was.
The sun was still shining and the sky was still blue, but it felt like the world was crashing down all around him.
Lanie looked up and met his eye. She looked as though she was about to speak but an EMT slammed the ambulance doors shut, cutting her off and separating her and Kate from him.
His heart lurched as the ambulance sped away. He had promised Beckett that he would always have her back and that he would always be there for her, and he had kept those promises to the best of his abilities, but now she was bleeding and speeding away from him and there was nothing he could do to help her.
Then Ryan, or maybe it was Esposito, was pulling him away and shoving him into the back of a car. They peeled out, siren blaring, racing after the ambulance. He watched the rows of white gravestones flash by beyond the window, desperately praying to a god he wasn't sure he even believed in that it would be a very long time before he had to return to this cemetery. After several moments he noticed a slight movement to his left and was surprised to realize that Jim Beckett was sitting beside him in the back of the car. He was staring straight ahead unseeingly, his jaw clenched shut, his hands clamped in tight, white knuckled fists resting on his knees.
He knew Jim was living his worst nightmare right now. He'd lost his wife to these monsters and they had just shot his daughter right in front of him. They'd taken away the woman he loved and now possibly his only child as well. A sharp pang of guilt shot through Rick as he realized he'd left Alexis back at the cemetery. His little girl had just witnessed a shooting; she'd been merely feet away from a bullet cutting through the air with lethal force.
His mother was there, he tried to reassure himself. She'd take care of Alexis. They'd take care of each other. But still, he had to call her, had to hear her voice.
He started to fumble through his pockets for his phone but was suddenly reminded of the fact that his hands were covered in dark, sticky blood - Kate's blood, its coppery scent suddenly overwhelming in the confined space of the car, making his head spin and his stomach roll in a way the jolting speed and the blur of colors and shapes flying by outside the window couldn't.
He gripped his phone tightly, concentrating on the feel of the solid object in his hand and willing his urge to vomit to subside. Before he could press the right sequence of buttons to call Alexis, a sudden sharp turn almost knocked him sideways and he recognized that they'd turned into the hospital entrance and were screeching to a halt behind the ambulance.
A team of doctors in light blue scrubs had already sprung into action, transferring the stretcher from the ambulance to a gurney and wheeling it inside. His anxious hands scrambled to find the door handle and he stumbled out of the car. He had to see her again. It was his only thought as he raced after them. He couldn't be this close and not see her just one more time… just in case.
He ran into the hospital, only pausing long enough to dodge around an old man in a wheelchair. He didn't take his eyes off the group of doctors with Lanie anxiously running alongside them, but he couldn't see her. They were blocking his view.
He caught up just as they reached a set of double doors. A doctor stepped away to tell Lanie and him that they couldn't go any further and he was finally able to catch a glimpse of Kate's face. The image stopped him in his tracks. Her eyes were closed and her head was lolling lightly to the side as she was jostled by the movement of the gurney. Her skin was even paler than when they had put her in the ambulance and now had a greenish-grey tint that he desperately hoped was just an effect of the florescent lights overhead.
As the doors swung shut behind them and she disappeared from view once again, he couldn't ignore the thought that crossed his mind- that she more closely resembled the victims that ended up on Lanie's autopsy table than the extraordinary Kate Beckett he knew and loved.
That couldn't be the way he'd see her for the last time. It just couldn't.
He turned around and saw Ryan and Esposito and Kate's father rushing down the hallway towards them. Lanie had given up the fight against her tears and they were falling freely down her face. Esposito hurried to her and wrapped her tightly in his arms as she buried her face in his shoulder. Ryan leaned heavily against the wall, his shoulders slumped forward and his hands covering his face. Rick met Jim's eyes for a moment and could see the fear and worry in them. He wanted to say something to him but words were failing him once again. Even if he could come up with something to say, he doubted he could speak right now. His throat was too tight, his mouth too dry and he was too close to crying to be able to produce any sound other than a sob.
He turned back around towards the doors Kate had just disappeared through and remembered the first time he saw her. How he'd turned around to find her holding her badge up to him and the cute way she'd tilted her head as she spoke. Her hair had been shorter and darker then but her eyes had been the same. They'd captivated him, just as they had every day since then.
Later, he'd sat across from her in that interrogation room and told her she had gorgeous eyes.
And today he'd told her he loved her and watched those gorgeous eyes slide shut.
He needed to see those eyes again. See her roll them at him and glare at him, light up when she solved a case and shine when her lips curled into that beautiful smile that never failed to take his breath away. He'd even take the dark glint that burned in them when she was really angry. He just needed her to be okay.
Realization crashed over him as he stood there in that cold, sterile hallway, and if there had been even the slightest bit of doubt in him before, he now knew with absolute certainty that he could not live without her.
If she didn't make it through this, if she wasn't okay, then there was not a chance he would ever be okay again either.
-oooo-
Thanks for reading!
Somewhat related side note: I've finally finished watching the season finales of all my shows now and after watching Knockout I was totally unimpressed by everything else. Either everybody else just failed to bring it in their finales or Castle has ruined me for all other shows. I'm thinking it's a combination of the two, although the latter seems to be the more prominent factor.
Also, Thank you to everyone who has added this and me to alerts and favorites. Finding those emails in my inbox makes me really very, very happy. I especially want to thank SilverStella, uwprincess, ekc293, chezchuckles, and phnxgrl for your reviews! I really wanted to thank each of you personally but none of the reply links are working. Anyone know what's happening there or know of another way to reply to a review besides the link in the email? Help me out, I'm still learning how things work around here.