Afterwards, I sit in my room. I should be happily fiddling with my new electronic toys, but instead, sit here blankly staring, holding Bill's hand, waiting for Tony to show, or call.

We don't say much. I'm too frazzled. Finally, he stands.

"I should go. Have to be up really early."

"Oh. Okay."

He cups my cheek.

"I love you, Maxxie."

Fuck almighty ! He's never said it before. Wow. I'm waiting for my heart to leap out of my chest. I mean, he's perfect; considerate, sweet, smart, mum loves him, great fuck, bright future, total husband material, and yet ... I feel oddly blank.

Stupidly, instead of listening to the emptiness in my gut, I rush to fill the awkward void.

"I, I love you, too."

He stops. He smiles sadly.

"Come on, Max, at least try and sound convincing."

I scramble.

"I do ! I'm sure I do, it's just that ... I wasn't expecting you to say it. And I'm ... I'm so torn up over Tony."

He sits, takes my hand and speaks gently.

"Listen. I'm going to be dead honest with you."

I blink. This is a bit scary.

"Okay."

"I do love you, I wouldn't lie about that, but I sort of said it as a test."

"Huh?"

He sighs.

"To see what your reaction would be, because there's something going on here I don't think you even realize."

I look at him.

"What are you talking about, Bill?"

"Let's be honest. You don't love me, Max, at least, not yet. I guess I already knew that. I mean, maybe it'll come with time, but, meanwhile I think I've been a bit of a relief valve for you, a distraction from all the stress of the last year, and I don't even mind that that's the case. But the thing is," he stops, he sighs, "I mean ... I can't really hope for you to fall in love with me when you're already in love with someone else."

I look at him, dumbfounded.

"What are you talking about ?"

"You really don't realize it, do you ?"

"Realize what ?"

"Maxxie. You're in love with Tony."

"Huh ? ! Don't be daft."

"I'm not. Listen to me. He's all you talk about. He's all you think about. Tonite's a perfect example. He's your whole life."

I can't believe what I'm hearing.

"He's my friend, Bill, and he almost died in a really horrible way and he's going through something incredibly painful and difficult right now. I can't help but love him and care about him and worry."

"Ya, but I think it's a lot more than that."

I don't know if it's my mood or just embarrassment that my little crush has been more apparent than I thought, or annoyance that he thinks he knows, better than me, how I feel, but something in my head clicks off.

"Well, I don't," I snap.

He snaps back.

"And while we're on the subject of Tony, I'm sorry - I know you care about him, but I have to say this: I hate how he makes you miserable - he seems to know how to do it instinctively. I hate that he's ruined your birthday. Seriously - what kind of a friend is that ?"

"He hasn't – and he's my best friend ! Best one I've ever had !"

"He's taken your whole life away from you, Maxxie, don't you see that ? He's using you. Using you up, until there's nothing left for anyone else."

I stand quickly and shout in his face.

"How dare you talk about him that way ! You don't know a single thing about him ! You have no idea what he's been through ! I want to spend time with him - nobody's had to twist my arm ! Not for a single second !"

"But you're completely wrapped around his little finger, 24/7 ! 'Maxxie do this, Maxxie do that.' You're like his fucking servant !"

"He doesn't have anyone else !"

"Ya, I wonder fucking why !"

I'm fuming now.

"You've always been jealous of him, haven't you ? ! Right from the first moment !"

"Me ? Jealous of him ? Don't you have that backwards ? Or maybe not ! Maybe if I'm jealous it's cuz he's literally been there from the first moment, standing between us ! Think about it - even the very first time I laid eyes on you in the supermarket, he was there !"

"That's only cuz of how close he and I've become !"

"Ya, maybe a little too fucking close ! You even talk about him in bed ! I sometimes seriously wonder if you close your eyes and pretend I'm him !"

"Fuck you ! That's disgusting ! Get out of here right now !"

"Fine !" he says, gathering his things. "Just throw everything away over Tony - a straight boy ! Why don't you take him to Brighton with you, then !"

"Great idea ! Maybe I will ! You were right, by the way. I don't frigging love you !"

He slams the door and I'm left here, reeling. Fuck, what on earth just happened ? What did he say ? I can't process it.

In love with Tony ?

My brain fires off in a hundred directions.

I love him, I know that. I care about him. Of course I do. I guess I fancy him, but then he's tall and beautiful, (if still too skinny) as well as wickedly funny, dead smart, and overall amazing, so that's perhaps to be expected ...

Does this, could this possibly mean I'm in love, though ?

Could I be, could I have been all this time and somehow, through everything, not actually known it ?

I hunker down in my seat. The thing I should be preoccupied with right now is the abrupt loss of a relationship with what has arguably been Mister Right. I should be doubled over, beside myself with grief, bawling my eyes out and pounding the wall over what is supposed to feel right now like my whole entire world collapsing, and yet ... in a way, it's almost like a relief. So strange. Yes. Like a bloody weight lifted off my shoulders.

Because.

Now I get to spend all my time with Tony.

It's funny. In a way, he and I are so close it's almost like we're the same person. All of his hurts and anguish are mine. All of his needs, and hopes and tragedies and joys. I die when he's in pain. I'm deliriously giddy when he's happy. We certainly seem to think the same thoughts and finish each other's sentences. That term, 'soul mate' - if there ever was such a thing, he's certainly mine.

So in a way maybe it's almost like an insult, to say I'm in love, cuz in truth ... isn't this way, way beyond that ?

What is the point ? That's what I keep asking myself. Of anything ? Why does no one ask these questions ?

People snicker about sex being 'dirty' and shit, shameful, or strictly something to joke about and hide from the kids. I guess in my former life I saw it as a tool to gain power.

What people don't understand, those that can have it whenever they want, what I didn't understand, I'm sure, is that there is a purpose to it, that's what all this thinking about it all these months has made me realize.

I'm not talking procreation or recreation or any of that bollocks. I'm talking that it's sort of the root of a relationship, the cement, of a real one, anyway, isn't it ? The beginning. Companionship, partnership, marriage, all that incredibly hokey, cornyass shit. Corny, and yet the exact stuff people wrap their whole lives around; the exact stuff they bet everything on.

Bottom line, no girl is going to wanna be with me if I can't put out, at least eventually, right ? Which rules out one night stand/quickies, but also more serious shit, because ... why would she wanna sacrifice that part of her life and give up the chance of kids and all that ? That's what's killing me. That's how big this is to me.

It's sort of everything.

I see a hot girl on the street and she looks my way and smiles. Invitationally. And then it hits me. I can't have that; it's been taken from me. Worse, sometimes a girl will look and I can sort of tell she knew me before, and what a waste-layer I was. Maybe we even fucked, and now, look at him. Pathetic eunuch-boy. Trust him with your harem.

Christ, I just so want to end it, right here, do you understand? Why can't I end it ? I want to more than anything in the whole entire world ... which is why it's SO bloody screamingly fucking maddening to know ... that I can't.

I can't do that to Maxxie.

When by midnite Tony neither calls, nor shows, I try his mobile, but it goes directly into his voicemail.

When I try Effy, I wake her up, and she informs me with great annoyance that he's asleep and to please fuck immediately off.

The next morning, following a fitful night's sleep given all that's happened, I stop by his place. For my birthday I've collectively been given the tidy sum of three hundred and fifty pounds, and do indeed intend to spend it by the sea.

"Let's go to Brighton."

He pulls his eyes away from the telly but says nothing.

"A long weekend, Tone. There's loads of cool hotels on the beach, and lots of clubs and restaurants, and shit. There's an old arcade filled with video games and a big movie theater with 3D and surround sound. Clash of the Titans is playing – I checked. Come on ! We can swim and eat candy floss and get drunk and ride on the scary roller coasters and shit. It's only a little over an hour by train. Please ?"

"What about Bill ?" he grunts.

"We ah, we actually split up."

"What ? You're kidding. You were nuts about him. What the hell happened ?"

I fidget.

"We just ... we had a big row last night, and he walked out."

"On your birthday ?"

"Ya."

"Bastard. I never liked him. Over what, though ?"

"Just ... stupid shit. He told me he loved me, and I told him I didn't, and that was that."

He laughs. God. After all this time it's so glorious to see his face animated again, so incredible, I can't tell you. I'm almost singing.

"That's what I've always liked about you, Max. You don't hold anything back. You come right out with it, no matter what – the truth."