Hear You, Hearing Me
By Remilyon
Sorry this took so long. I had a couple of false starts and I was never sure if Stay was going to be a one shot or not. At first it felt finished but right before I posted it I had added a little something to the end. That idea expanded and now we have the second chapter.
Disclaimer: As always I own nothing, Puckleberry is my ship and if I owned stuff they would be together. They are not thus I face the fact that I am a lowly fanfiction writer with no real power.
Rachel hesitated as she raised her hand to knock on the all too familiar door. But as the last second she stopped and traced the numbers right below the knocker. As she traced the numbers she thought of just how long it had been since she had been here. Close to two months had passed while she sorted through her emotions and search for the courage to come back here. A part of her wanted to use her key and just walk in as she normally would but instead she raised her hand again.
(FlashBack)
"I will walk out this door because it's what you need not because it's what I want." Rachel did her best to keep her voice even as she spoke. Tears were still running down her face and all she wanted to do was curl up in Noah's arms and hear him say it would all be okay. But at this moment it wasn't about her, she had to be strong and do what Noah needed. So she opened the door and closed it softly behind her.
Even as she closed the door all she wanted to do was turn around and tell Noah it was a mistake. Tell him that she would stay, that she would do anything to keep him in her life. She started to turn but then her phone rang.
The ring tone was one she had heard many times before. It was the same ring tone that had burst through her bubble of happiness and pulled her out of Noah's arms earlier. She really didn't think that she could take talking to him right now. Still as always she answered.
"Not Now Finn" she spoke into the line without giving him a chance to speak and hung up.
Rachel once again turned back to the apartment she had just left. Her fingers rose to the door and traced the numbers on it. Then she sighed, dropped her hand and walked away. Before she entered that apartment again she had to think some things through. Because for the first time she thought maybe that plan she had mapped out for her life was wrong. But she couldn't go to him yet not until she had really worked it all out. She had hurt him enough.
(End FlashBAck)
Rachel groaned as she backed out of knocking again. How hard could it be to just raise your hand and Knock? But her thoughts were all over the place. What if he slams that door in her face, what if he has started to get over her, what if there is a girl over, what if ….. She cut herself off. Just stop it Rachel. This is Noah he loves you. She almost turned to leave but she swore she hear a whisper.
"Stay"
(Flashback)
Rachel left the apartment building and she knew she needed to think. She couldn't go to Finn's, Noah's was a closed door to her now and all that left was her own apartment. She passed the people on the street and for once didn't study their movements for future character reference. She was too lost in her own thoughts. Noah's voice kept repeating to her "Stay" and his face when she said Finn was her end game flashed in her mind his hazel eye's had gone blank. For the first time ever he really looked through her for a couple of minutes.
Rachel made it to her apartment. Opening the door she took note that there were no pieces of her here. This was a place to sleep when she couldn't be with him. She had helped him find that place. She remembered hunting with him for days when he had decided it was time for him to get a new place that he couldn't stay with Finn and the boys anymore. Not to mention Kurt had been talking about moving to New York and noah wanted to make sure Finn had room for him.
As soon as she had seen the apartment number she had known that it was meant for him. In the apartment building the numbers 20P had stood out against the door. He had fallen in love with the apartment and she had helped him move in and decorate. Never once questioning why none of their other friends came to help.
As she looked around her apartment now she realized that Noah's apartment once he had moved is where she spent most of her time. It was his place she decorated, his place she cooked at and his place that she slept best. She had always thought herself to a smart girl but the picture that was clearing for her after Noah's revelation was not a good one. Before she had time to think farther on her own revelation her phone rang.
Rachel picked up her phone and turned it off. She walked through to her room picked out some workout clothes, picked up her i-pod and stepped on to her elliptical. Maybe after a workout she would be able to have a clear mind. Rachel set a hard pace and it didn't help. As she moved her legs they couldn't carry her away from vision and sound of Noah.
"I'm the one there for you when you get a part with glass of wine, vegan ice cream when you don't, a bouquet on opening and closing night, open arms and open bed when you need to get away from your boyfriend. You have a fucking key to my place Rach, don't you get what that means."
The sad thing is she hadn't not until he pointed out. Never once did she think about him having a girl over because he was Noah and he always had time for her, no matter what her drama or damage. It was Noah she called when she was sick, when she was so happy she had to share it, or just wanted to do something. Noah was her first thought. Finn may have had the title of boyfriend but Noah was the one who acted it.
After an hour of cardio at a punishing pace Rachel conceited that it wasn't her body she needed to tire out but her mind. The only conclusion she had come to so far is that she was not the person she always thought she was, nor the person she had hoped to become. As she studied her life these past 5 years she could see how much she had hurt the men in her life.
A week passed with Rachel spending her free time in self-reflection. After a week of ignoring all phone calls outside of work she made a call. It was familiar number.
"Finn Hello, yes I'm sorry I didn't mean to worry you I had some things on my mind. Can we meet for lunch at the Luna Café?"
With those few words her meeting was set. She got there ahead of time nervous to face this man that she had been dating. She rehearsed over and over again what she would say. Come to find out it didn't matter. As soon as she saw his tall form coming through crowd of people her words failed. Her script flew out of her mind. How did you break the heart of a person that loved you?
For once he didn't slip into the booth next to her filling her space. Instead Finn sat down opposite of Rachel. He looked at her with a sad smile, and before she could speak he did.
"So you are finally ending it huh?"
He didn't look at her as he spoke his eye were on the table but Rachel Figured he didn't really see the table at that moment. Very softly he spoke again his voice weighted.
"I always knew it wasn't me you know. I wanted it to be me but it wasn't. Puck had you before I knew to even look at you. The sad thing is you didn't know it and I'm not really sure when he realized it. But me I always knew, I actually knew something. But then there you were looking at like I could be it for you. And even though I knew I wasn't I figured what's the harm ya know in pretending."
He glanced up at her to see how she was taking his words so far. Rachel though had no clue what to say. That seemed okay with Finn though because he continued after taking a deep breath.
"At first it was nice to have someone around to have faith in me. Who cared for me. No matter what my status in school it never changed how you looked at me. Then you started encouraging me to be better than I thought I could be. But with you I was better. I started to get mad at you because you made me think I could be more, that I could be something, but I didn't think I could be something without you. It was okay in Lima for some reason you never saw Puck there, not clearly at least. Then we moved and you saw him, started turning to him, and started to see what you felt for him. I got scared that without you I'd end up back in Lima, just another Lima loser that couldn't make it out. I always knew I'd lose you. I'm sorry for a lot of things I've said and done over the years. I should have said it before, but I'm sorry for trying to hold onto you and for trying to bring you down to keep you. I'm not proud of myself."
He frowned looked up at Rachel then back down at the table. Rachel was awe struck that this man thought he couldn't make it without her. She was proud of how mature he was being and the insight he was giving to his own actions over the years. Rachel reached across the table and took his hand. He must have taken it as a sign because he continued
" I should have stepped aside a long time ago. I should have been what was always meant to be for you… a friend. I let Puck fade out of not only my life but everyone else's due the guilt he felt over his feelings for you. Then I watched you follow him and rather than admit that pretend time was over I tried to hold you harder. I'm truly sorry."
Finally Finn looked up at Rachel again his eyes seem to be less burdened. Rachel just sat there holding on to his hand while she processed everything he had said. Finn started to get up.
"That's all I had to say"
"I'm sorry too" Rachel whispered. Pulling him back down in the booth Rachel stared into her now ex's eyes as she apologized.
"I'm sorry for not seeing that I was hurting you. I'm sorry that rather than taking a chance and doing what my heart told me to do, I clung to the idea that I had my life planned out. I was scared you know. I was holding on you because you're my safe place, you deserve more. I was 16 when you looked at me and didn't see the freak and I thought no one would accept me the way you did. Therefore you must be the one. Once I set my eyes on that ending I didn't allow myself to see any other outcome. I hid from myself anything that might let me know that there was a change in my heart. Partially because I was scared that I would lose your support and partially because I was scared deep down that he would find something, someone better than me, someone that fit him. So I clung to as my safe haven. I'm not happy with what I've put you through. And I am sorry that I cheated on you. It is not something I ever saw myself doing and I never should have let our relationship continue once I even suspected there was more between Noah and me. It might take a while but when this is not such a fresh hurt I'd like for us to be friends. I do love you, I just mistook it for a time with being in love with you. "
Finn nodded and stood up Rachel stood with him. Finn leaned down and kissed her forehead and Rachel whispered to him.
"You have to know that you never needed me to get out of Lima and stay out. You did that on your own. Me, I was just the Cheerleader. You are doing great and I'm here if you need me as friend."
Finn nodded again and left the coffee shop with tears in his eyes. Rachel watched him walk away and silently closed his chapter in her life though she did hope he would show up in a new one. Now she just had to get herself together to speak to Noah.
(End Flashback)
That was a little over a month and a half ago. Weeks passed and it did nothing for Rachel's state of mind to realize just how blind she had been to her own emotions. So now here she stood outside the door holding her breath as she raised her hand to knock.
Thank you everyone that reviewed it meant a lot. SuzQQ I hope that this chapter answered your questions on Finn knowing. In my mind Finn always knew that Puck was the one in Rachel's heart. He just got caught up in someone caring for him no matter what popular, gleek, King of the school or loser. Hope this chapter didn't disappoint.