Alchemist Ninja: Naruto
Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto(I leave this to Kishimoto Masashi), or any other character except my OC. Nor do I own Fullmetal Alchemist(I leave this to Hiromu Arakawa.)
"Blah"-Human talk.
"Blah"-Human think/Mindscape link.
"Blah"-Inner Sakura/Hinata.
"Blah"-Demon/Deity talk.
"Blah"-Demon/Deity think.
/Blah/ Silent Message.
For the Polls:
Harem
A) Yes - 17 O.O
B) No - 3
Harem is YES!
If Yes to Harem, Who?
A) Yuugito Nii(Same age as Naruto) - 11
B) Fem!Haku(Same age as Naruto) - 12
C) Sasame Fuuma - 5
D) Sakura - 3 (I don't even know why I included this flat chested bitch...)
E) Hana Inuzuka(What the hell... The same age as Naruto) - 7
The winners are: Yuugito Nii, Fem!Haku, and Hana Inuzuka. And, of course, Hinata Hyuuga.
I am going to steal Naruto from Kishimoto. He killed Kakashi, damnit. Mother fucker. GO DIE IN A FUCKING HOLE, KISHIMOTO!!!!
"Where is otou-san? Itachi-niisan? Kaa-san? Someone!" Sasuke yelled in his mind.
"Sasuke, pull yourself together. Lets just find them, and we will find out what happened." Naruto souted over to Sasuke as they ran. "Pull 'em down."
"Are you sure?" Sasuke replied.
"Yeah. Only to level 2. Right now." Naruto commanded, and lowered his gravity seals at the same time he said 'Now.' They felt the gravity lower itself by about fourty eight times.
"Feels good to be able to run with less weight than a feather, don't it anaki?" Sasuke questioned.
"Yeah. Lets find our family. C'mon." Naruto ordered, and they sped off towards the center of the district.
When they got there, after a cat clinging onto Sasuke's pants and ripping them, they saw all of the clan there at the 'Tomb' of Uchiha Madara.
/Oh Kami. We forgot it was Book of Lies Burning Day. And the Anual Family Gathering in Front of the Bonfire Day. Duh./ Naruto signed to Sasuke.
Sasuke just slapped his forehead.
"Naruto, Sasuke, good for you to join us. Would you two like to take a crack at the book of lies?" Fugaku greeted them as they walked into the circle of Uchiha.
"Sure. Jus' lemme check out the seal on it first." Naruto replied, "I am sure I could break the seal, letting us ACTUALY be able to burn it." Naruto walked up to the book.
"Sure, sure. Jiraiya couldn't even crack it when he came around last, which was four years ago. But, if you want to humiliate yourself, come and try." Fugaku taunted.
"Who?" Naruto replied. He was not into the History of Important People, at least not at the moment.
"Long, white hair. Red markings on his face. Wrote the 'Icha Icha' series." Fugaku tried to spark his memory, "Peaks on women constantly."
"Oh, Ero Sennin!" Naruto yelled, remembering him. All of a sudden, an astral projection of Jiraiya's head appeared, screaming, "DON'T CALL ME THAT!!!" And then, it dissapeared.
"I am going to try anyways." Naruto said, ignoring the floating head that was no more. He walked up to the book, and looked at it's backside. He saw a seal that was quite complex in design, but simple in theory. There was a Fire Resistance Seal, and a Fire Nature Seal. That made it have a resistance to fire, while cancelling out any fire jutsu that over powered the first seal. Naruto just took out his calligraphy set, and looked at the seal. He finally used some white out on the Fire Nature Seal, and changed it to a Wind Nature Seal, which would STRENGTHEN the fire jutsu aimed at it. He used some more white out on the Fire Resistance Seal, and changed it to a Water Resistance Seal.
"Oi, Sasuke, take a crack at the book with FJ Number 732." Naruto called out to him.
"Wait, Number 732? Why such a high ranked jutsu?" Sasuke asked.
"The book pissed me off." Naruto deadpanned, and gave the signal for the jutsu to commence.
"Katon:Karyu Endan!" Sasuke yelled, and the Stream of Firey Hell, as Naruto calls it, came forth from Sasuke's mouth. It turned white, and the Uchiha's eyes widened considerably. When it hit the book, it was turned to ashes, and the ashes were burnt into nothingness. Naruto smirked at the Uchiha clan, and they started to walk away.
"Sasuke, Naruto, get over here, RIGHT NOW!" Fugaku ordered them.
"Hai." They muttered. When they got over there, they saw Fugaku with two large bags of money.
"These are for you two. There was a reward for that book being burnt. They said, 'Double the reward if there is nothing left of the book, not even ashes.' I had to do this, for both of you. Now, leave me so that I can think of a way to get money back. That was nearly three quarters of the Uchiha Funds. GO AWAY!" Fugaku screamed while sobbing.
"Here you go. Our funds from three hundred one missions." They both said, handing Fugaku the money, "We will re-earn it tomorrow."
"R-really?" Fugaku looked up.
"Yeah. Simple. We will probably double the missions. Money is awesome." They responded. Fugaku responded to this by hugging both of them, and saying, "Thank you," Over and over again.
"I have to talk to Jiji, privately, about something. That means, brother, you can't come along. I am truly sorry, but I will make it up to you. I need to go." Naruto said, before shunshin'ing away, to the foot of the Hokage Tower.
"Go away. The Hokage doesn't have time for scum like you," The ANBU outside the Hokage's office said as he neared. When he walked al the way up to them, they growled, "What did we just say? The. Hokage. Does. Not. Have. Time. For. Scum. Like. You!" The ANBU yelled. Kakashi then walked in, and chopped the offending ANBU in the back of the neck, causing him to pass out.
"Go on, Naruto. I will make sure this moron will be dealt with by Anko or Ibiki." Kakashi eye-smiled at Naruto.
"Harsh. I say Anko, though. We aren't trying to get information out of him, so no need for Ibiki on this one," Naruto replied, "Make sure to give her a rusty, dull kunai."
"And you call ME harsh? Kami, we have raised another sadist." Kakashi shouted to the Heavens.
"No, if I was a sadist, I would walk in there and use Alchemy to neuter him." Naruto announced.
Kakashi subconsciously covered his nuts, and started quivering. Naruto walked into the Hokage's office, and greeted the Hokage with a, "You ass."
"Naruto-kun, what could I have possibly done to make you this angry at me?" Sarutobi asked, knowing what would come.
"Arranged marriage? With someone from Kumo? Are you going senile, old man? Kami, you are not smoking tobacco in that pipe, it is weed, isn't it?" Naruto yelled at him, tears in his eyes.
"No. It is tobacco. It technically isn't an arranged marriage, you just have to accept. It is for the CRA, The Clan Restoration Act. You are the last of the Namikaze, and the Uzumaki. You have to have a harem of at least four women. I am truly sorry, Naruto. You have accept, whether or not you like it." Sarutobi replied, almost crying.
Naruto just walked up to him, and punched him in the face, and walked out. When he finally got out of the tower, he ran off into the forest. He got to the edge of Konoha's grounds, and punched a tree. He punched it again, and again, until his knuckles were bleeding. He formed a Rasengan, and slammed it into the tree. It had its trunk near the ground desintegrated, and the top flew out of his sight, hitting the walls of Konoha. He went four-tailed, and used Four Tail Strong Ball, making a pitch black ball of pure chakra appear in front of him. He ate the ball, and started inflating like a balloon. He turned away from Konoha, and exhaled the chakra. Two hundred miles away, Orochimaru barely dogded a beam of chakra that he felt could break through his Triple Rashoman.
Naruto just continued to beat the shit out of the surrounding area, until he had no more strength. He passed out there, and was found by the Hokage an hour later. Sarutobi brought him to his room, and dropped him unceremoniously(SP?) onto his bed.
The next morning, Naruto woke up in his bed, and wondered how he got there. He shrugged it off, and walked into the bathroom. He turned the hot water in the shower all the way up. He stepped in and felt the stinging of near boiling water and his skin, but ignored it. When he was done showering, he exited the shower, and dryed off. He got dressed, and started playing some darts with himself.
Sasuke walked in, and asked, "Where did you go last night?"
"To talk to Sarutobi. He pissed me off. I am in an arranged marriage with someone from Kumo." Naruto growled out the last part.
"Ouch. Hinata isn't going to be too happy with this," Sasuke cringed.
"No way in hell am I going to survive telling her this," Naruto shuddered.
"You are so screwed. Better hope Hinata is bi, or something." Sasuke joked.
"Kami, I hope so in this situation." Naruto returned.
UP IN HEAVEN
"Maybe I should grant his hopes?" Kami asked her husband, Shinigami.
"Yeah. The more fun, the better." Shinigami replied, getting smacked by Kami.
"Ero-teme." She pouted.
"Jus' being me. Remember to have his other future fiancee's to be bi, also." Shinigami added.
"Whatever." Kami said, lazily.
BACK WITH NARUTO AND SASUKE
"Why do I have this feeling that she is bi now?" Sasuke asked the air.
"I don't know, but I have the same kind of feeling. Let's go to the meeting place for the team." Naruto replied. They started walking, and it turned into a full blown race, with Naruto just slightly in the lead.
"Bring it, mother fucker!" Sasuke yelled.
"It is already brought, you cocksucker!" Naruto yelled back.
"Assmunch!"
"Little Brother!"
"Dick."
"At least I have one!"
"And what is that supposed to mean?"
"You don't have one, duh!"
"Boys, stop arguing!" Kakashi punched them in the face when they got close enough.
"That hurt, shithead!" Naruto yelled at him.
"Respect your authority!" Kakashi demanded of Naruto, "I am your Jounin sensei, and my word is your law." All fell silent. "Good. Now that I have your attention, I am willing to say that we are ready for a C-ranked mission. Let's go get it." Kakashi said.
"I am not going near Sarutobi. Not for a while. He set me up in an arranged marriage with some chick from Kumo." Naruto growled the last part, again. He then realised that Hinata was there, and wished he could dissapear.
"Ano, Naru-kun, why are you backing away from me?" She pondered of him.
"I thought you would have a problem with that, and would try to kill me." Naruto replied, unsure of his life expectancy.
Hinata walked up to Naruto, who was shaking for his life, and whispered into his ear, "I am bi. The more girls with us, the better."
Naruto passed out, and was carried with them to the Hokage Tower. Sasuke pulled out some smellingsalts, and waved them under Naruto's nose. He jolted awake, and glared at Sasuke.
"Welcome to the land of the Living. I am your guide, Sasuke Uchiha. How may I help you?" Sasuke greeted him to consciesness.
"Teme. Let's go get our mission." Naruto grumbled.
Five minutes later, with the Hokage
"Your mission is to escort a high profile figure to the Land of Waves. Lead him in." Sarutobi breifed them.
The door opened, and Team Seven gasped at who entered the room.
Cliffy. Hate me? Too damn bad. I got a record amount of Reviews last chapter because of the Poll. Now if only I got that many on normal chapters... Anyways. Press the bluish button at the bottom left of your internet browser, type up a review, and click 'Submit'.
Ja Ne, Namikaze Minato.