"Captain's log, supplemental," Jim spoke. "We're still chasing our tails around this stupid galaxy. Boring as hell." He took a bite out of one of his trademarked green apples, and then called to his Chief Medical Officer, who was currently talking with Uhura. "Bones!"

"Yeah?" Bones replied, looking up.

"When's shore leave?" Jim asked, still chewing.

The doctor rolled his eyes, and said angrily, "A month and seven days, you idiot."

Jim let out a loud groan of discontentment, and then rolled his head back, letting it hang over the back of his chair. "I'm so booooored." Suddenly, he sat straight up, and repeated, "Bones!"

"What?" Bones answered, exasperated.

"I need your help with something! Come on!" He stood up, and ran to the door. "Spock, you take the wheel while I'm out!"

Confused, Spock muttered, "What wheel?" but Jim had already left.

Uhura rolled her eyes, and explained, "Sit in the captain's chair, Spock."

The Vulcan did so.

Later that day, Kirk returned, with a gigantic grin on his face. He walked over to his chair with an obvious skip in his step, and then sat down, kicking his legs up playfully once he'd done so and swinging them back and forth, whistling joyfully.

A few moments later, Bones came back to the bridge, with a look of utmost horror upon his face. He walked to his seat, staring into space, and then sat down hard on his chair. He stayed like that for an instant, and then slowly looked over to Kirk, before shuddering over-dramatically and turning to his station.

"What happened?" Uhura voiced the question on everybody's mind.

Bones and Kirk replied at the same time, "Hell" and "Nothing".

They made eye contact, and then Kirk smiled mischievously, and Bones shuddered once more.

Off to the side, Spock was watching the interactions, not really paying attention. He was tapping his fingers rhythmically on his knee, something that was highly out of character for the Vulcan. Kirk noticed, because he was Kirk and he noticed these things.

"What's wrong, Mr. Spock?" Kirk called to his first officer, raising an eyebrow and tilting his head to the side slightly.

Spock shrugged, something else that was very strange for Spock. Kirk stood up, and walked over to him. "What's the matter? You look like..." He paused.

There was a moment of silence as Spock deliberately looked at his work, and Kirk stared at his tapping fingers. Spock could almost hear the gears working in Kirk's head. Slowly, reluctantly, he turned his head to look at his captain.

Another moment of silence, and then Spock prompted, "Yes?"

Suddenly, Kirk got it, and he looked shocked and delighted and dubious and triumphant all at once. "You look like you're waiting for something."

Effortlessly, Spock kept a total pokerface, and replied, "I do not know what you refer to, Captain."

Kirk walked back to his chair, and Spock exhaled slightly.

"I bet... you're waiting for the reason of the day!" Kirk announced it like he was the host of some game show, smiling.

Spock did not reply.

"Well, you'll have to wait a little longer, Spock, because Bones doesn't have what I need yet!"

Bones, who had just been beginning to look a little happier, suddenly looked sick again.

"What were you guys doing?" Sulu interjected curiously.

Kirk said with a smile, "Oh, you'll see."

Spock cut in to the conversation, changing the topic. "Captain, we are receiving a transmission from a nearby Starfleet vessel. They wish to open communication. Would you like to do so?"

With ease, Kirk slipped into professional mode, and said, pointing two fingers at the screen, "On screen."

A brunette woman in a Starfleet uniform appeared in front of the crew. "Captain Kirk," she acknowledged. "How are you?"

The question seemed a little out of place, but Kirk replied with a smile and a "Fine, thanks. You?"

"I am well." She paused, and then folded her hands together, stretching the fingers. "I'm calling about some... bizarre captain's logs that Starfleet has picked up from your ship. They contained... profanities." The female captain eyed Kirk awkwardly, and then coughed slightly. "Amongst other things."

Kirk went pale for a moment, and then gulped audibly, and put on his best winning smile. "I'll... uh... won't happen again."

The brunette nodded stiffly, and then went offline without any warning. Kirk stared into the stars suddenly floating across the display screen, where the woman had been a moment ago.

There was a moment of silence on the bridge, and then Bones and Uhura simultaneously burst into laughter.

Kirk crossed his arms, and said stubbornly, pouting only slightly, "That was rude."

Sulu shrugged, and replied casually, "Not really, sir. She was just doing her job."

The captain sighed, and then said, "Yeah, but did she have to be such a bitch about it? I mean, who was she, anyway?"

Uhura replied, "She's your superior. So you probably shouldn't refer to her as a bitch, sir."

Rolling his eyes, Kirk said, "Okay, fine. Note to self: don't call bitch lady a bitch. Now can we all get back to work, please?"

Everyone nodded, and did so. Bones headed off to Medical.

Turning to the helmsman sitting beside him, Chekov murmured, "Do you think this stuff happens on other starships too, Hikaru?"

Sulu responded without looking up, "Not a chance."

A day and a half later, Bones was feeling slightly less mentally molested as he walked down the hallway, a file in his hand that had a lot of papers in it. Like, a lot. Bones wondered why Jim had asked for all these specific things, but no, nope, never mind, abort, that was another thing he didn't need to think about.

Leonard McCoy was not a squeamish person. He really wasn't. He'd performed detailed surgeries on almost every single part of the body you could think of. In medical school, when they'd given him the fake heart, he hadn't been grossed out at all. He was a doctor, goddamnit.

But even he couldn't handle the torture that Jim had made him go through. No man could. It was something that no man should ever have to do to anyone, let alone his best friend, let alone a man that he'd be seeing almost every day for the rest of his foreseeable life.

Bones shuddered yet again, and wondered if he'd ever be able to look at Jim the same way again.

Somehow, he doubted it.

He walked onto the bridge, and said, "Jim, you'd better thank me for this. You owe me." The doctor walked over to the captain, handing him the file.

Kirk opened the file, and then grinned widely, flipping through the pages. "I love you."

Bones made a scoffing noise, because how did you even reply to that without accidentally barfing all over your captain. He then made to leave, but Kirk commanded, "Wait!" He flipped through the remainder of the folder, scanning through it quickly, and then grinned, passing it back to Bones.

Sulu was the first crew member to speak up. "Okay, I'll bite. What's in the folder, Captain?"

Kirk began to flip through the papers once more, naming obscure words that left most of the crew at an utter loss. "Phacagulation- clear, santorites- clea-"

Uhura interrupted, her voice an octave higher than usual. "Santorites? Why would he be checking for those?" The xenolinguist looked nauseated by the word.

"I get around." Kirk waggled his eyebrows lewdly.

"What are santorites?" Chekov asked innocently.

Kirk grinned before answering, "A sexually transmitted disease. Very rare. Only a few species have them."

There was a period of silence while everyone figured it out.

"So you just got him to check for everything, then?" Sulu asked, sounding far too amused.

"Yup. I had to make sure I was clean."

Everyone turned to the doctor, and Bones considered raising his phaser to his head and blasting himself to pieces out of pure ugly embarrassment.

Spock raised his voice, sounding almost hesitant. "Is that the next reason why we should copulate?"

Kirk nodded, excited that Spock had got it. "I'm clean as a virgin. Which is funny, considering-"

"Okay, stop," Bones said, turning abruptly and leaving. "I'm done." He walked off the bridge, half steaming with anger and half wanting to barf.

Before the doors shut, the doctor heard Spock say something along the lines of "That was quite possibly the worst reason yet" and Kirk say "Oh, I'm glad you enjoyed the rest."

Bones went off to go find a bottle of brain bleach.

(A/N): GUYS. One of my favourite people ever, sparkleysuperstargenius, makes audio posts of herself reading these aloud on Tumblr. It made my life. Okay, that's all.