Title: Subsist

Pairing: Harry/Snape

A/N: My fourth and newest installment of the mini series that it still not officially titled…Anywho, this is most certainly not the last piece; but I hope you all enjoy it none the less.

Cheers—

Teagan

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It was almost summer.

Harry felt the tug of emptiness and the lost fulfillment at the idea of Auror training. It meant nothing. It was a spare time activity. He had only joined it in the hopes of finding some way to help people; but as it turned out, his destiny with helping anyone was over.

Ginny hadn't spoken much to Harry outside of casual 'hellos' and 'goodbyes', and Harry had not expected her to be completely forgiving of him for the things he had said.

All and all, Harry found himself back to where he had started.

Alone and confused.

Harry's mind was filled with a twinge of hope; Snape had said he was a good thing. That had to mean something. Even in the absence of him, he felt as though it was Snape's uncaring way of saying, 'I like you too.'

Harry lay flat on his back, on his small shrunken bed feeling bored.

There was a loud knock on his door down stairs, to which he responded immediately. Not knowing who would possibly need to contact him on a Saturday, Harry opened it cautiously.

"Harry," said Hermione's smiling face.

Frozen in shook, Harry said nothing.

"…are you quite alright?"

Harry shook his head and starred, "I thought you were still studying in France…"

Hermione sighed, "Well you can't expect me to study for four years straight. I am given holiday vacations you know; Molly invited for dinner tomorrow night at the Order House. I decided it was high time I came back. I've denied enough meals as it is."

Harry stepped back and let her enter. He opened his mouth to explain the absence of Ginny when Hermione raised her hand.

"I've heard…something's. Ginny's with an Ajax Everett? That's what Molly's told me."

Harry shrugged, "Well then you'd best keep listening to her." Feeling the sudden need to curl up in his bed alone, Harry stood over his kitchen counter pretending to be contemplating making tea.

Hermione sighed," I don't understand. What happened?" Harry yawned, he was tired of pretending he knew all the answers to the twists and turns his life took.

"We…changed. I guess," Harry said. Hermione sat down at the kitchen table. She looked almost the same as Harry remembered her. A pain twitched in Harry's chest. There was a hole between them, and it was filled with what things they'd never talk about again.

"I've heard…other things. Did you …well, I mean…"

Hermione twiddled her hands in her lap. Harry sighed, "Who told you?"

"Well…actually, Ginny did."

Harry groaned, "You went to her?" Hermione said nothing.

"You went to her? Ron's sister, to talk about me? My ex-fiancé, to talk about me?"

Hermione nodded, "I know…I shouldn't have…Molly just wanted me to stop by the burrow for a spell. I couldn't say no just because of you."

Harry laughed, "See, the funny thing is, you could have. But you chose not too; because what would people think?"

Hermione sighed and began to say something but Harry stopped her with the first words of anger that pushed themselves from his lips.

"You're just like everyone else! What will people think of me? What am I to do if one person gets a different insight about my personality?" Harry glared at Hermione.

"I don't owe you an explanation." Harry snapped.

"Harry…"

"…I don't even need to give you an explanation as to why I won't give you an explanation!"

Harry walked to the door and held it open.

"I'm sorry, okay?" Hermione said holding her hands on her hips.

"Congratulations, I'll see you tomorrow."

Hermione sighed heavily and left Harry alone in his apartment. It was about an hour later that Harry realized he had agreed to attend dinner with the Order of the Phoenix, plus his best friend and ex-fiancé.

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Harry stood outside Snape's doors in the dungeons of Hogwarts. It was almost nine at night; Snape would be preparing for the next days classes. Harry knocked once and waited. But no one came. He knocked again, and instantly regretted doing so. A man who was clearly not Snape answered.

"Can I help you?" he asked.

Harry stopped; his mind froze. He knew this man.

It was he that Harry had saw take a seat with Snape at the Hogshead.

"I was, I mean…"

"Let him in," a voice said loudly from the back of Snape's chambers.

The man stepped aside and let Harry enter. Snape stood in front of his desk, his arms crossed, looking somewhat annoyed. Harry began to believe he interrupted something.

"Yes, Potter?"

Harry realized that because he had obviously intruded on something, he needed a logical reason for disturbing Snape.

"I need," Harry racked his brain, "…a sleeping draught."

Snape raised a brow, "If it wouldn't be too much trouble. I mean…I didn't mean to intrude, I could go actually….I'll just go, shall I?" Harry turned around and began to leave when Snape's hand caught his shoulder.

"Mr. Tate and I done Potter, I'll get you your draught."

The man named Tate rolled his eyes, "Are you busy tomorrow?" he asked.

Snape slammed opened one of his many supply cupboards. "I'm always busy Mr. Tate.."

The man did not make to leave, and this seemed to irritate Snape. "If you must stop by do so; but I will not be here past eight." Tate nodded and turned to leave.

"Good night." He said leaving. The door shut and Snape turned around holding a small vial in his hand. "…sleeping draught Potter?"

Harry reached for it and his hand touch Snape's.

"Would it be completely inappropriate for me to admit I'm a liar-liar pants on fire?"

Snape smirked, "Perhaps."

Harry said nothing in fear of making himself seem more of a fool. Snape knew Harry had no reason for coming to see him, other than wanting to be in his company. What was he to do?

"I can go if you want..."Harry took the vial, though his hands were red, and made to leave once more.

"I'll see you at Grimmauld Place tomorrow, I assume?" Snape asked. Harry's heart pounded, "You're going to dinner?" Harry asked sounding surprised.

"Molly Weasley insisted I attend."

Harry's face broke into a smile.

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The table was set when Harry walked in the doors. He blinked and saw a group of Weasley's and he realized and it was his first confrontation since he and Ginny had split. Mr. Weasley smiled warmly and held out his hand, "How've you been?" he asked, Harry smiled and said he was fine.

Fred and George looked taller than the last time Harry had seen them. They both wore what looked like newly purchased robes; one of dark purple and the other blue. Charlie stood between them holding a drink nodding at whatever Fred was saying.

From behind them Harry saw Bill and Fleur. Bill's wife of blond looked …bigger. Harry wondered if there was to be another red head with the Weasley name on the way.

Sitting down was Lupin and Tonks. Tonks had chosen to have her hair long and brown; Lupin smiled every time she carefully placed her hands over his; Harry wondered if he himself had ever looked so content.

Harry suspected Mrs. Weasley and Ginny were perhaps in the kitchen, but he did not ask. There was the sound of the door opening and Harry turned and saw Snape. He looked at no one as he entered, until he saw Harry.

His eye lingered.

Harry watched Snape as he was greeted by Mr. Weasley.

"Drink, Harry?" Harry nodded and smiled at Lupin who handed him a clear glass filled with a deep red wine.

"Er, thanks." He took the glass and began to try a small sip. At the exact moment the doors of the kitchen opened and out came Ginny and Ajax Everett smiling and looking quite pleased with themselves.

"It smells wonderful in there…" Everett muttered.

Harry swallowed his wine with a cough and wiped the back of his mouth with his hand. Seconds later Hermione appeared from behind the doors as well. She smiled at Harry but did not approach him. For a moment Harry felt like running as fast as his could away from everyone. It was as if he was being thrown into a mess of people who knew he had lived the last four years of his life laced with lies.

Harry felt dizzy.

"How long until the bloody food's done?" Fred muttered to Ginny. Ginny said something about twenty minutes or so.

Harry excused himself and went to stand outside.

He couldn't do it.

He couldn't…he'd die in there…

He would.

And no one would save him…

"You're avoiding them." Harry turned and looked at Snape.

Harry shivered.

It was almost summer.

"…I don't belong in there. Ginny and…they belong there. Ron should be there. Hermione does belong there too; not me." Harry crossed his arms suddenly cold; he was utterly alone.

"I didn't live up to their standards."

"Potter…"

"I should have defeated Voldermort, married Ginny and had children and lived happily ever after."

"Happily ever after…" Snape spat, "..You've lived with muggles too long, Potter."

Harry shook his head, "Who was that man? Tate?"

Snape said nothing.

"I mean...I guess you don't have to tell me. It's your business and well, I really shouldn't…"

Harry didn't realize Snape had moved until he stood right in front of him.

"He's a old student. From one of my first years of teaching."

Harry had an urge to ask him how many students Snape had under his belt.

But an, "Oh," was all he could muster.

Snape reached up a hand to Harry's face and touched it lightly. His finger tips were cold. There was a whisper in the wind that wrapped itself around Harry, and he felt himself shiver lightly. His heart hammered for unknown reason, and for the first time in far too long, Ginny never flashed behind his eyes.

"Kiss me?" Harry asked. His voice was choked, but he knew he was heard. Carefully Snape let his hand slip behind Harry's neck. In just a blink of an eye, Harry leaned forward and caught Snape's lips on his.

It was the definition of new beginnings.

Harry reached his arms around Snape's back and opened his mouth slightly. Snape groaned and pushed Harry back against the outside walls of Grimmauld place.

Heat flashed and Harry's heart caught….

'Love me…' he said in his head. 'Please, please—love me.'

"Harry?"

Snape pulled away sharply and shoved his hands in his pockets. His expression turned from sincere to uncaring in seconds. Harry had more of a problem trying not to seem as though he had just been thoroughly snogged.

"…Food done?" Harry asked clearing his throat. Lupin nodded and together they walked in for dinner.

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Across the table Ginny and Everett talked happily; Ginny giggled every now and then, and it made Harry feel as though they were at Hogwarts again. Ginny looked up and caught Harry starring. Annoyed, Harry turned away, and found that Lupin was also watching him.

"How have things been Harry?" Lupin asked setting down his spoon.

'Oh you know; good. I broke up with Ginny, was bombarded by the daily prophet, got the brains snogged out of me by my old potions professor…and oh, did I mention I'm dropping out of the Auror training classes I've been taking?'

Harry smiled, "Good, I've just be relaxing."

"We've missed you in class." Ginny said raising her voice. Harry imagined himself taking his wand out and striking her dead.

"Er…really. Well, you know…it's just not what I thought it would be."

Harry remembered at that moment just how intruding Ginny had always been when dealing with personal business.

"Well…how did you think it would be?"

Every head in the room seemed stuck looking between Harry and Ginny.

"Well, I thought it was be more…informing, versus a chance for the Daily Prophet and the ministry of magic to use me."

Harry heard someone drop their fork, and Everett glared, "No one used you."

Harry shook his head; since he defeated the Dark Lord it was as if everyone believed Harry was no longer a target. But nothing disappeared from Harry's life of being the most wanted and known wizard, expect for Voldermort.

"Can we just eat?" Harry asked.

Molly nodded, "Yes, let's just have a nice meal."

Everett shook his head and Ginny poked her food angrily. Harry closed his eyes for a moment and awaited his chance to leave.

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Almost a week passed before Harry dared to step foot in the Order house again. It was a Sunday afternoon, and Harry knew Mrs. Weasley usually served a lunch for order members. It was a normal routine that had started the year Harry had graduated. Of course now there wasn't any threat of Voldermort, or morbid talks of how it could be their last lunch together.

There were however, a few moments sat in silence after someone would mention Ron or anyone else they had all lost…but those moments had also begun to feel like normal routine.

When Harry stepped into number 12 Grimmauld place, he was surprised to see only Lupin.

"Harry…this is a bit of a surprise," Lupin said looking over his shoulder.

Harry smiled and stood still in the door way. "I take it no one comes here for Sunday lunch anymore…"

Lupin chuckled, "Not every Sunday. We have lives to live now."

The words hit Harry, and on impact he understood their meaning. They had lives to live; they had a choice to live their lives. Before it had been as simple as keeping what you had close, in fear you would not make it through the war to discover something else.

"I'm actually not that hungry…" Harry muttered.

Lupin smiled and turned back to the paper in front of him, "I figured just as much."

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Harry stood outside Snape's door knocking politely. When the potions master finally came to the door, Harry smiled.

"I think I love you," Harry told him. Snape said nothing, and Harry wondered if he had made a mistake. "I mean, I think, I want to…we're good together, right?"

Snape shook his head, "Potter…"

"Okay, so…yeah, I'm a little messed up; but you have your problems too, and we can work through them. I just know that if I could go back, I would have chosen to be with you a lot sooner."

Snape looked emotionless, "Potter, I'm quite busy at the moment…"

"Severus? Who's there?"

Harry went to look behind Snape, but he moved gracefully, filling the doorway. Harry could only suspect the worse; and just like that the man Tate flashed in his mind. Snape was a man born to deceive.

"Busy…right, I'll…just go then."

Turning around, Harry felt a rush coldness. Don't give up…say something…Harry's mind told him.

"Can I stop by tomorrow then?" Harry asked.

Snape looked at him through the doorway, something like regret flashed.

"If you must."

Harry did not respond, but he hoped Snape would be ready to talk then.

(to be continued...)