The moment I said it
the moment I opened my mouth
lead in your eyelids
Bulldozed the life out of me
I know what you're thinking
But darling you're not thinking straight
Sadly things just happen... we can't... explain

We were fighting again. This was the third time in a week. They were stupid fights that never should have happened, and now we're at it again. I was sitting on the kitchen counter while Derek paced around me yelling. I could feel myself getting angrier and angrier.

"You don't trust me! You may trust me with your life in the field but when it comes to your emotions you don't tell me anything! You have so many secretes it makes my head spin! How can we be a couple when you can't tell me what's going on?" Derek accused.

"I keep secretes? Derek you don't tell me anything! You can't yell at me about not telling you everything when you don't talk to me either. You don't let me know how you're feeling and you don't let me into what secretes you keep!" I defended. I was standing in front of him now.

"I do tell you everything. I tell you what's going on. So I don't spill my heart out about all my emotions, if I was having migraines and had a chance of having schizophrenia, I would tell you!" he yelled. My heart sank and he had a look of regret within his eyes.

"Maybe we shouldn't be together. Not if we can't trust each other," I concluded quietly. His eyes went wide and then shut, and I felt worse than I ever had before.

It's not even light out,
But you've somewhere to be - no hesitation
No I've never seen you like this
And I don't like it, I don't like it, I don't like it at all

Outside it was still dark. I could feel the tension in the room threatening to suffocate me. I shouldn't have said that, should never have suggested it, but if we don't trust each other, what's the point?

"Derek I-"

"I need to go. I've got stuff to do," he replied shortly. He walked around me and didn't give me a glance. I attempted to grab his arm and he yanked it back forcefully. I could feel tears welling up. He had never been this short. I didn't like the change. I didn't like it at all. He grabbed his keys and walked out.

Just put back the car keys
or somebody's going to get hurt
who are you calling at this hour
sit down, come round , I need you now
we'll work it all out together
we're getting no where tonight
now sleep, I promise, it'll all seem better somehow
in time

"Please Derek. I didn't mean it like that. Please just put the keys back before one of us gets hurt," I pleaded.

"Who is gonna get hurt?" he asked.

"Me. Please don't leave," I begged. He pulled out his cell phone and started talking to someone. I put my head in my hands and I sat down.

"Bye," he hung up.

"Who are calling at 12 in the morning?" I asked.

"None of your damn business. It was Garcia for God's sake. You think I'm cheating too?" he accused.

"No! Not at all! I was just curious!" I defended. He scoffed.

"Please just come sit down. We can talk about this. Derek we can work through this. I need us to try to work through this," I pleaded again.

"No," he answered.

"Then lets go to bed. We'll work this out tomorrow. Give us some time to cool off," I suggested. He shook his head.

It's not even light out
Suddenly, you've somewhere to be
No hesitation
mmm...I've never seen you like this
Your scaring me, You're scaring me,
Your scaring me to death

"I have to go. I'm leaving," he finalized. Not even hesitating to think it through.

"Derek please," I begged standing in front of him.

"Move," he warned.

"Derek I don't want you to leave I want to fix this," I tried.

"Move or I will move you," he threatened. I looked up shocked and a fear spread through me.

"Please Derek," I requested. His eyes narrowed and he put his hands on either side of me. He pushed me, not hard but enough to move me, out of his way. I was shocked.

"Fine, leave. Be like everyone else," I called after him.

Don't..oh, smash...please
Don't...oh...and another one
Don't...oh...and another one

He whipped around and hit a vase to the ground. His eyes hard and angry.

"You're kidding? You just told me you don't trust me! You couldn't even tell me you were having headaches! Why are we in a relationship if you can't even trust me with something so simple?" he yelled. The first blow.

"It's not simple Derek! This is the age Schizophrenia shows through! I've been to every doctor in D.C. and not one says it's a physical problem. Chances are I am getting Schizophrenia! That's not simple! That's hell! Telling you makes it real!" I cursed.

"You should have told me! You just keep everyone at arms length. You can't let a single person in because you're afraid. You're afraid of being hurt that you won't even give people a chance! I have trusted you with everything and you don't trust me with anything! It's pathetic that fear eats you that much," Derek yelled. His words hurt worse than any slap would have. I could feel tears pricking my eyes and I fought like hell to keep them back. The last and final blow hurt more than any pain I've endured before.

I'm losing you...I'm losing you

He didn't spare me a glance as he slammed the door shut. I felt my head spinning. I lost him. He left. Left without so much a goodbye. I lost him because of my own fears.

Trust me on this one
I've got a bad feeling
Trust me on this one
You're going to throw it all away
With no hesitation

He wasn't coming back. He was gone for good. I had a gut feeling that told me he was done. I collapsed to my knees and sobbed. Sobbed for losing him, for being so scared, for being right. Everyone leaves in the end, but this one was my fault. Did that mean that the others left because of me too?

He threw everything away without even pausing to think about it. Does that mean he didn't care, or that he was so fed up that he couldn't care. I got up and packed my stuff. I took all that was mine and left all that was his.

I gathered my bags and made sure Clooney was let out and back in. Before I left, I set a note on his pillow after making the bed. I walked out the door without looking back.

Bye bye bye bye bye bye
bye bye bye bye bye
bye bye bye
bye

Derek arrived home early in the morning. He all intended to apologize and try to fix things. He walked into the house expecting to find his lover curled up on his side of the bed with Clooney next to him. He walked in to find the house clean and empty of all that was Spencer's. He quickly moved to the bedroom to find nothing but his own things and a made bed. There was a note on it that had his name scribbled out. He opened the letter to read:

Derek,

I am so sorry. I'm sorry for not telling you. I'm sorry for not letting you in.

I wish you could understand how scary this is. Telling you meant that I might be crazy.

I can't handle that knowledge. Telling you made it real. My fear got the better of me, and I'm sorry.

I never meant to hurt you.

I'm sorry I pushed you away and that I couldn't always be open about my past.

I'm sorry I couldn't open up.

It wasn't because I didn't trust you.

I did Derek. I do. I just don't want you to deal with my problems.

I don't want to rely on you and I wanted to prove that I could take care of myself.

I am sorry for everything Derek. I'm sorry for hurting you.

I love you still with all my heart, and that will never change.

I decided leaving would be easier than facing you turn me away.

Love Always,

Spencer Reid

Tears pricked Derek eyes as he realized what walking away did. If he would have sat down and talk things out with him it wouldn't have ended like this. If he would have taken the time to let his lover explain, but he didn't. He walked away and he left the best thing in his world crying. Derek took his keys and slipped his shoes back on. Thanking the Lord they had tomorrow off, he got in his car and drove towards Spencer's apartment, because he still loved Spencer, and he'd be damned if this was goodbye.