Disclaimer: I do not own Metalocalypse nor do I make any profit from anything here.
Title: Good Nights Stories
Rating: PG-13 (mainly due to bad words)
Characters: Dethklok and others
Summary: Toki is sick and the rest of the band agree to spend some time with him and tell him a story. Hey, it was either that or work on the new album.
AN: Sorry for taking so long. I am a horrible procastinator and with that, being lazy, and going to college I tend to come home on not want to write. Instead, I usually end up going on livejournal and just reading metalocalypse fanfic instead of writing my own. I am so bad. XD
Oh, and I kind of made Serveta a jerk, but oh well...
Enjoy!
Beta: My sister! Woo! I luff you. :3
"In a faraway land long ago, lived a Queen who never wanted a child but was impregnated anyway. A princess was born and she called him Skwisgaar."
Pickles sat quietly, watching the display of emotions on Skwisgaars face, as did everyone else. First it was indifference, then confusion, some thoughtfulness, finally a dash of realization and to finish it all off—anger.
"HEY! I ams not a ladies!" Skwisgaar immediately stood up, guitar in battle ax formation, ready to attack.
"Relax dood. This is all in fun. You guys wanted to make it more metal and what's more metal than us?" Pickles put his hands up in an innocent gesture, trying to placate the fuming Swede.
"You know, he doesh kinda look like the character," Murderface said but quickly adding, "not that I know what sche looksh like!"
Pickles actually nodded in agreement as he watched Skwisgaar lower his guitar and sit back down with a wary gaze. Sensing that the danger was over, for now, he relaxed his shoulders and took a huge gulp of his beer before continuing.
"Okey, so where was I? Oh yeah, so a princess was born and he was named Skwisgaar…"
Queen Serveta had no idea what to do with the child now that he was born. She didn't even want a child to begin with, and now she was stuck with one. Not to mention the nine months it took the little bastard to get out was hell and the longest dry spell the Queen has had in years!
So, now that the kid was out she decided that she should at least throw a huge party and invite as many people as she could. Sure, most of the quests she invited were men for her to you-know-what with, but there were some who were rulers, much like herself, that she invited to try and sell off the child to marriage. To, you know... Bring their kingdoms together or something like that. The sooner she got rid of the kid the happier she'd be.
The gifts weren't to bad, either. Most were for the little baby, but Queen Serveta took pretty much all of it for herself to keep or sell for cash. I mean, what could a baby possibly need a gold bottle for? Honestly.
Nonetheless, men and women from all across the land and seas came to the huge party with gifts and all that zazz. All the men in attendance, even the married ones, secretly wondered if little Skwisgaar was theirs. For the child was without father, and when asked the Queen would say she had no idea who it could even be.
Queen Serveta had slept with hundreds, maybe even thousands, of men within the time line of possible conception. Whether they were young or old, weak or strong, the Queen had slept with them. She didn't discriminate from ugly or handsome. If you had junk she wanted it. She would even do the nasty stuff, I mean really. With one guy she actually had him bend her-
/"PICKLE! Enoughs! Gets on wit da stories. I'm goings to pukes. Gah…"
"Sahrry Skwis. I got carried awey a bit."/
Among the guests that had come was King Aslaug and his young son Prince Toki from a kingdom far away. The Queen had invited them in hopes that she could convince the King to have their two children married and out of their hairs. As they approached the throne they waited until the current flock of men left before announcing themselves to the Queen.
The little Prince left his fathers side while he and Serveta talked, and went up to the crib near the throne that had the baby in it. He stared down at the infant with wide blue eyes as it slept.
"It has been settled. This is your future bride Toki."
/"Oh wowee."
"Gay! Come on Picklesh, thish ish really getting gay."
"Shut it! It's about to get good, I pramise! Hey Skwisgaar you okey?"
"…"
"Just go. Continue."/
Toki looked from his father to Skwisgaar and made a face. King Aslaug then made his departure from the crib to do other party related stuff. Probably go watch people get drunk and have fun then go take out his anger on his son because it was against his religion to do all that really cool stuff.
/"Oh dude."
"What? Oh! Sahrry dood! I forgot he really did shit like that!"
"It's okay Pickle. I forgives you."
"God, don't hug you guysh. Jusht keep going! Before we all die of gaynessh."/
The party continued on for a while longer until there was the announcement that the three metal fairies had arrived. Each of them had an awesome gift to give the little goofball.
Pickles, dressed in blood red leather with hair and wings that looked to be on fie, was the first to approach the infant.
"Ta you I give ya tha gift of eternal good looks. After seein yer mom I don't think ya have ta worry but at least now when yer ninety yer can still look fifty or somethin." Pickles then waved his magic bottle that never ran out of alcohol and red sparks flew out of it and surrounded the sleeping baby.
Murderface, who was wearing a spiked piss yellow outfit with diamond encrusted wings , stomped up next.
"Here you shtupid baby, I give you the gift of mushic. Whether it'sh in voiche or inshtrument. I don't care." Murderface pulled out his magic Bowie knife and slashed the air in front of the crib, yellow magic surrounding Skwisgaar.
Nathan, wearing armor of the blackest black times infinity with huge wings just as black, was the last of the three to step forward.
"Uh, I guess it's my turn." Just before Nathan gave his gift to the child the doors burst open due to a large wind. Everyone grew silent as the wind blew their hair and outfits all out of place.
Suddenly white powder erupted from the middle of the room and from the powder sprung a hideous creature with electric blue hair, a red oversized nose, beady black eyes, and a mouth full of yellow rotting teeth.
"I'm Doctor Rockso the evil wizard! And I DO COCAINE!"
/"Noes! Leaves Rockso out of it! He ams not a bad guys!"
"But dood, he is."
"Change it or I tell Charlies you all means to me and he will be mads!
"Brutal…"
"Hey, why not jusht ushe the robot?"
"Yeah! That's a good idea. I mean, he can be a dick sometimes."
"Na'ten, dood. I'm totally tellin him you called him a dick."
"NOOOO! Don't tell him that!"
"Okey, okey. So is everyone good wit it being Charles? Skwisgaar, you gonna say anythin?"
"…"
"Great. Let's keep goin."/
Dark flames erupted in the center of the room and all of a sudden a single figure appeared. He was short with slicked back brown hair. Two large horns adorned his head, curling back with pointed ends. He was dressed in a long black robe that flowed down behind him, trimmed in a deep red.
In one of his hands was a long staff of steel with a large orb on top of it. A large black crow with blonde head feathers flew into the throne room just then and landed on top of the staff. It's head feathers ruffled slightly in the wind, it's robotic eyes changing from green to red as it looked around.
"What's going on here?" the horned man asked, gesturing around the room.
"Charles, you weren't you know. You weren't invited." Nathan said, the other two fairies nodding in agreement.
"Not invited? Why not? Am I not the greatest wizard in the land? Why would you not want to invite me?"
"You ams nots on da invites list cause you gives da bads gifts!" Serveta said, hands on hips.
"Well, uh, I beg to differ. And just for that I think I shall show you that I can give good gifts. To the little child, by the end of his eighteenth birthday he shall strum his first guitar and die!" Charles burst out into laughter, cackling madly as most of the guests started freaking out. Then in a burst of flames he disappeared, the crow flying off into the night.
Queen Serveta on the other hand, was thinking about the fastest way to get a guitar. If she got rid of the baby then she wouldn't have to worry about spending money on raising it. She'd have to remember to thank Charles later. Maybe he wasn't such a bad gift giver after all. Definitely made up for the calculator he gave her for her birthday last year.
"Huh. That guy needs to get laid. I mean really." Nathan turned to his fellow metal fairies , passing his magic morning star between both his hands. It grew very silent in the throne room, all the guests stopped freaking and started to wait for something else to happen.
But nothing happened. Nothing at all. Everyone was just standing around, not saying a thing. Twiddling their thumbs and rocking back and forth on their feet. Silence was everywhere. Not a word. Not even nature was making noises. If silence was a color it would be a shade of silence. If it were a food, it would taste silent-y. Hell, if silence was a dog it would be a silent hound. Back to the point, it was silent. Yup, silent. It was so silent that if an ant farted ten miles away everyone could hear it. It was that silent.
/"Pickles? Are you, uh, gonna continue with the story? Or just keep talking about how silent it is?"
"Yeah, I'm just tryin ta think of something."
"Whats?"
"Well dyin by strumming a guitar is kinda brutal, right?"
"Yeah, sho?"
"It's just that the last gift was suppose ta make it so she falls asleep, not die. But dyin is way more brutal than sleepin."
"Good point. What are you going to do?"
"Let me think. Oh! Doods, I gat it!"/
Nathan stepped forward once again and looked down at the sleeping baby, who had no idea of the curse it had been given, then back to his two friends... er companions. "I don't think I can top that. I mean, that was a brutal gift."
The other two nodded, figuring now would be a good time to check out the bar scene and get wasted. They all needed 100 beers. Exactly 100 beers. Together, the tree metal fairies turned away from the Queen and her son/daughter and went to look for the first person with any alcohol. (Pickles had his magic bottle, but he had two hands and only one bottle, so he went along to fill the empty space)
"WAITS!"
Nathan, Murderface, and Pickles stopped in their tracks and turned around. Their trek for beer momentarily forgotten as they saw the young Prince Toki leave his fathers side, and ran up to them with eyes wide and tearful.
"You gots to dos sometings!" he pleaded, looking each of the fairies in their eyes.
"Uh, like what?" Nathan rested his morning star on one shoulder, looking down at the kid. For some reason he couldn't stop looking into Toki's big watery blue eyes. They looked so sad and helpless. He just wanted to give the kid a hug or something but hugging was NOT brutal.
"Takes back da birfdays gifts! He ams does no'tings wrongs! Why he haves to dies?" Toki's eyes became even more wide and watery and his lips began to tremble.
"I can't. Charles is a dick, yeah, but a powerful dick. Even with all three of us we can't reverse the spell.
The three of them tried to look away from Toki and go find some booze but they couldn't. Toki had started to cry, tears running down his cheeks. He looked like someone had taken him to the pet store, let him pick out a puppy, bought him the puppy, took him home and then forced him to watch them kill his puppy. THEN, they took him back to the pet store just to make him look at all the puppies again and not buy him another. All this at the same time of being told his best friend was coming to visit but his plane crashed into that very same pet store he was looking into. Yeah, he looked pretty sad.
"Come ahn kid, don't cry." Pickles knelt in front of Toki and placed a comforting hand on his shoulder.
"B-b-buts, he ams a b-b-babies. He d-din'ts do anytings wrongs," he said again while wiping the tears from his eyes only for more tears to fall.
"Nat'an do somethin! Look't him!"
Oh, he was looking. It was hard not to look at such a display.
"Okay, uhh...How about I just... ummm... Make him not die? Yeah! He'll just fall asleep. And never wake up. And that'll happen forever." Nathan puffed up his chest, proud to have solved the issue all by himself. He was just about to swing his magic morning star when-
"WAITS! He has to wakes ups sometimes! Please! He mights as wells be deads if he ams just goings to sleeps forevers!"
Nathan deflated. He hadn't thought about that. Maybe something could wake him up if he fell asleep. "Hmm, well. Uhhh...How about he wakes up when. I don't know, when he receives loves first-"
/"If you shay kissch I am going to shtrangle you."
"Yeah yeah sahrry. I'll think of somethin else."
"Buts I likes kissings."
"Dood, if Toki wants kissin Toki gets kiss-"
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOS!"
"Skwisgaar, hey. I uhh, thought you were dead for a while. Good to know. That your not...dead."
"Is puts up wit da baby princesses. Is puts up wit all ofs da stuffs abouts my mothers. Is even puts up wit da cry-babies Toki. But Is will NOTS puts up wit da KISSINGS!"
"But-"
"NOOOS!"
"Okey, jeez. I thought you woulda liked it, kissin Toki. Your always goin ahn abo-"
"PICKLE!"
"Gat it! Continuin ahn!"/
There was more silence as all eyes turned to Nathan, who just scratched his head in thought. What was a brutal way of waking up? Cold water to the face was brutal. So was having your parents barge into your room at the ass crack of dawn for church. Now that was brutal.
In the end, he settled for his favorite way of waking people up...and putting them to sleep.
"So, he falls asleep and then you punch him. In the face. Hard."
Problem solved.
Toki stopped crying and wiped his eyes. "So, ifs he ams asleeps I just punches hims awakes?"
"Yup, thet's it kid." Pickles gave the young boy, who was currently looking at the sleeping Skwisgaar, a pat on the back before going to stand with Nathan and Murderface again. Nathan then hefted his weapon and was just about to make the gift so when Toki turned on his heels and ran up to the crib.
And punched Skwisgaar in the face.
"Brutal..."
Some of the Queens hand maids rushed forward and shooed Toki away, taking the crying baby and trying to soothe him.
"You are shupposhed to wait to when he shtrumsh a guitar...Idiot." Murderface stated. Though he did appreciate the kids form. He was definitely going to be able to throw a good punch in the future.
Toki looked down at his feet and hid his face behind his hair. "Sorries." Pickles went back over to Toki and gave him another pat on the back.
Once Skwisgaar was put back in his crib and calmed down Nathan stepped forward and swung his morning star, black magic coming forth and surrounded the baby. Now that they each had given a gift the three of them turned and finally left in search for booze.
It was well into the party and most of the guests had started to leave. Murderface was one of the few that had stayed around, his two fellow metal fairies long ago had dubbed the party as a sausage-fest and left. But Murderface didn't care. He had eyes only for one gal, who was currently coming his way.
Queen Serveta had come up with the perfect plan to get rid of her son and go back to her old life. At first she figured she could just give the baby to the family of whoever was to marry him, but everyone refused. God damn Aslaug told her to care for her burden till he was eighteenth when he was legal to marry, then he would send his son and Skwisgaar off somewhere to be wed and out of their hairs.
And that damn stupid Toki. She couldn't even use Charles' gift to her advantage. The little snot had actually gone up to her and promised to be over every chance he got to make sure Skwisgaar woke up and wasn't asleep forever. She already had one kid that she didn't want around, why would she want another?
That's when she came up with a plan. If she could just convince someone to take and care for the child until he was eighteen then she would be happy. And who better than the metal fairies who lived miles in a large forest far enough away to be out of her hair.
Murderface watched with rapt attention as Serveta strolled up to him and practically draped herself all over him. She started talking to him but he had no idea what she actually was talking about. All he could do was nod his head, say yeah every few minutes, and stare at her cleavage.
"Jaa? You'll do dat for mes?" she purred right in his ear. Without hesitation Murderface agreed. He sure hoped he was agreeing to some good old fashion sexy-fun time.
Unfortunately the next thing he knew he had a baby in one hand, a large bag of stuff in the other, and was ushered out of the house. It all happened so quickly that he had no idea what happened.
"Wait! I thought I wash going to get laid!"
/"Heh, fat chance."
"Shut up Nathan! Our love ish true, jusht you wait."
"Ifs you touches my moms, I swears I will kills you!"
"Don't worry, he ain't gonna do anythin. Not even yer mom would want him."
"Hey! Don't be a dick Picklesh! Maybe I should jusht go kill myshelf! Would that make you all happy?"
"I kid, I kid. Don't get yer panties in a bundle dood. Anyway, let's keep goin."/
Not sure what to do, Murderface just made his way home through the woods. He wasn't even sure what he was going to say, and it's not like he could just dump the kid somewhere.
As the huge house came to view Murderface started to pump himself up. Maybe if the others were drunk enough they wouldn't notice the baby. Yeah. If he just kept them drunk enough for the next eighteen years there wouldn't be a problem.
"What the fuck is with the baby?"
Not even a step into the house.
"Uuuuh, well. I might of agreed to taking Shkwishgaar off of the Queensh handsh for a while. No biggie."
Nathan and Pickles gave each other a look before staring daggers towards their pudgy friend.
/"your pudgy..."
"What was that man?"
"Nothing, keep going!"/
"How long? How long do we have to watch it?"
Murderface mumbled something under is breath, throwing down the bag and setting the baby on the couch.
"What was that?" Pickles asked moving closer to Murderface. Both Nathan and Pickles started inching towards their friend with clenched fists. So help him god if they had to raise a stupid kid because Murderface thought he could get laid in the end results.
"Jusht till he turnsh eighteen." The moment the words left his mouth the two of them sprung with fists a-flying. By the time they had their fill of beating the crap out of Murderface, he was on the ground in a fetal position.
"Give it back!" Nathan growled pointing towards Skwisgaar who was now awake on the couch watching the three fairies with large eyes.
"I can't. I think I promished her I'd do it. You can't jusht back out of a promishe!"
"Doods right. Nothin worse than breakin a prahmise."
Nathan sighed, his wings spreading and flapping in anger. Fucking Murderface. Fucking cock blocking them all for the next couple years. I mean, who wants to have sex with a guy while a baby is crying in the next room.
Skwisgaar suddenly started to make funny noises and each of the three metal fairies gathered around the couch. Suddenly the baby made a face and went back to quietly watching them. Moments later a nasty smell wafted to their noses. Brutal.
This was going to be a long eighteen years.
/"Heys, where are yous goings Moidaface?"
"It'sh pee pee time."
"Right. We need ta get more beers anyway."
They all agreed to take a quick five minute break to relieve themselves and restock on their beer.
***TBC***