READ THIS: Sorry if you've already read this chapter. And sorry if you received a notification telling you there's a new chapter up and it's only this one. This chapter was originally posted on April 1st. Yes, it's supposed to be an April Fools joke. However, since April Fools is over, people might be confused and think it's an actual chapter. Next chapter will take place right after last chapter and will ignore this chapter's existence.
I REPEAT, THIS IS ONLY AN APRIL FOOLS DAY CHAPTER.
n/a – thanks for the review! I hope you continue to enjoy it! :)
And I hope you all like this chapter. It's full of betrayal, dark secrets, scandals, and fatal injuries. Yeah, I managed to get all that into one chapter because I am just that awesome. Heh heh.
The wedding had ended and life continued as it normally did, dreadfully dull. Mary's two eldest sisters headed to London with their darling, precious little husbands. Mary cared not a fig whether she'd see them again; the only person she wanted to see was her sweet little Richard. But little did she know it would be a long time before she ever saw his devastatingly gorgeous self again. It was at her aunt's house in which she found such information out. Mary was ignoring the silly gossip exchanged between her mother, her aunt, and Kitty. Kitty was permanently stuck on one subject in which hardly anyone paid attention to at all.
"Mr. Strafford this…and Mr. Strafford that." Kitty squawked. Mrs. Bennet and Mrs. Phillips ignored her completely. Mary, on the other hand, was daydreaming about Richard, a hill of flowers, and a gentle spring breeze. Oh how she wish it were April, and not December. Suddenly, Mary was awakened from her daydream by terrible news.
"When my husband left this morning to London, he informed me that he and his two silly clerks will not be back for another two years." Mrs. Phillips said.
"NO!" Mary screamed, standing up. Everyone stared at her. In her anger she picked up a chair and threw it across the room. It hit her mother upside the head and Mrs. Bennet fell to the floor, twitching.
"SQUAWK! MR. STRAFFORD!" Kitty yelled.
"NO NO NO!" Mary continued yelling. She hadn't even realized that she fatally wounded her mother. She ran out of the room and out of the house. Mrs. Phillips looked curiously at the door her niece just exited.
"What do you suppose that was about?" Mrs. Phillips asked Kitty. Kitty shrugged and ate a crumpet. Just then they noticed Mrs. Bennet was twitching on the floor.
"How do you suppose that happened?" Mrs. Phillips asked. Kitty shrugged and ate another crumpet. About five minutes later they got up to see if Mrs. Bennet was alright.
"F-find husbands. Y-you you must f-find find find, f-find find find." Mrs. Bennet said in a weird voice. Kitty kicked her. "Husbands." Mrs. Bennet finished. Suddenly, steam came out of Mrs. Bennet's ears and springs and screws flew out of the top of her head.
"Zoinks! She's a robot!" Mrs. Phillips exclaimed. Kitty shrugged and ate a crumpet.
Mr. Bennet suddenly entered the room.
"She's only half robot." He said. "Several years ago she was mauled by a bear. We had to replace many of her vital organs with robot parts."
"Oh." said Mrs. Phillips, and left it at that.
"KITTY WANT A CRUMPET!" Kitty yelled, looking at her empty plate.
"And is Kitty half parrot?" Mrs. Phillips asked.
"No." said Mr. Bennet. "She's just a freak."
Meanwhile, Mary was running and running. She ran and she ran.
"NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!" she yelled. Finally she came to a tree. She sat and she cried. And she cried and she sat. Finally, night came and it began to rain. And rain and rain. And then, it turned into a STORM. But Mary cared not, she only cried…and sat. And then she stood up.
"NOOOOOOOOO!" she yelled into the stormy, night sky. Lightning rumbled and thunder flashed…no wait, I mean…oh, you get the idea. Suddenly, the snapping of a twig was heard. FOOTSTEPS WERE APPROACHING!
"No?" Mary asked, turning towards the sound. Suddenly the footsteps stopped. Within the shadows stood…..
A HIDEOUS BEAST!
No wait; a tall, lean figure.
"Maaaaaaaaary." It said.
"AHHHH!" Mary screamed.
"Mary, it is I."
"Chuck Norris?"
"No, your one true love."
"SQUEE!"
"Mary, I love you. I've always loved you. I should have told you sooner."
"YES YOU SHOULD HAVE! But oh! I love you too!" Mary said. "I love you so much Mr.…"
The figure stepped out to reveal itself as…
"MR. JENSON?" Mary yelled in confusion.
"Yes, it is I, Mr. Jenson!" said Mr. Jenson. "Oh happy day, you love me too!"
"Wait, what? No I don't. I thought you were Mr. Singleton!"
"Oh yeah…him. He's dead. I pushed him down the stairs."
"You…..WHAT?"
"We were fighting over you so I pushed him down the stairs."
"YOU KILLED MR. SINGLETON?" Mary screamed. Then she softened. "For me? You killed your best friend for me?"
"Well, I didn't mean to kill him; I just meant to push him down the stairs."
"Oh Mr. Jenson, that is the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me!" Mary exclaimed. She flung herself into Mr. Jenson's arms. "I love you too!"
"Hurrah!" said Mr. Jenson. They leaned in to kiss…
"NOOOOOOOOOOO!" they heard a voice yell. Suddenly a figure flung itself in front of them. It was Mr. Singleton, bloody and covered in dirt.
"Gasp!" said Mr. Jenson.
"Gasp!" said Mary.
"Gasp!" said Mr. Singleton. "Wait, why am I surprised?"
"You're alive?" said Mr. Jenson.
"Yes! And you buried me in the park without even checking!" said Mr. Singleton.
"Heh heh." said Mr. Jenson. "How did you get out?"
"By the power of love I burst forth from the earth!" Mr. Singleton said.
Mary and Mr. Jenson stared at him.
"That, and crap-face here only covered me in three inches of dirt." said Mr. Singleton.
"I was in hurry." said Mr. Jenson, shrugging.
"Anyway, what are you doing with this bozo, Mary?" Mr. Singleton said. "After all I've done for you will you really leave me for him?"
"Well…"said Mary.
"That may be so, Mary. But remember, I almost killed my best friend as a token of my love for you!" said Mr. Jenson.
"He has a point." said Mary, turning to Mr. Singleton.
'But…but, I WAS PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS FOR YOU!" Mr. Singleton yelled.
"That's a passive verb." said Mary.
"I wasn't passive about it. I tried to push him down too!"
"What I mean to say is, it was an action done TO you not an action that you actually did." said Mary. "Hence, it doesn't count."
"Well, um,…I LIED to you for you. That's something I did!"
"Oh, you're making yourself look really good." Mr. Jenson said sarcastically.
"Hey, lying isn't as bad as MURDER!" Mr. Singleton said.
"Almost murder." Mr. Jenson clarified.
"He has another point." said Mary.
"But but…THAT'S NOT FAIR!" Mr. Singleton screamed. He started to cry and yelled at Mr. Jenson. "You betrayed me! I'm your best friend for life and you betrayed me! You knew I loved her and you went behind my back and stole her! WAAAAAAAAAH!"
"Oh please! I have always loved her, even before you did." said Mr. Jenson. "I was about to tell you but then you told me that YOU loved her. I didn't want to ruin our friendship so I stood aside for you. But then, I realized you were a complete idiot who doesn't know how to properly pursue a lady. So I pushed you down the stairs and rode forth to claim my love!"
Mary cried.
"That was so beautiful." She said.
"Mr. Strafford!" Kitty squawked.
"That's it; I challenge you to a duel!" Mr. Singleton said.
"No! Please don't duel. I don't want Mr. Jenson to be killed!" Mary exclaimed.
Mr. Singleton frowned.
"Mr. Jenson? You love him?"
"Yes, of course I do!" said Mary. "He almost killed his best friend for me! That's so romantic."
A tear slowly fell from Mr. Singleton's eye.
"B-but."
"Yeah, that's right. She loves ME! So back off! Loser!" said Mr. Jenson.
"But..I thought we had something special…" Mr. Singleton trailed off in small voice.
"We'll, we don't." said Mary.
"I wasn't talking to you, I was talking to Mr. Jenson!" Mr. Singleton snapped.
"Uh, what?" said Mary. Mr. Jenson looked nervous.
"I thought our friendship stood the test of time but now you stole the only girl I ever loved!" said Mr. Singleton. "I. Have. Been. BETRAAAAAAAAAYED!"
"Wait, I was the only girl you ever loved?" said Mary.
"Yes." Mr. Singleton sobbed.
"That is so sweet." said Mary.
"Wait, WHAT?" said Mr. Jenson.
"HAHA!" Mr. Singleton laughed and hopped around like an idiot.
"But, I thought you loved me," said Mr. Jenson.
"Well I…" said Mary. She didn't know what to do.
"You need to decide Mary. Is it me, or this loser?"
"Yeah, is it him or this loser?" said Mr. Singleton. "Wait…HEY!"
"Well…" said Mary, trying to decide.
"MAAAAAAAARYYYYYYYYYYY!" a voice yelled, interrupting Mary's thoughts. The three of them turned to see……………………
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"MR COLLINS?" all three of them yelled.
Yes, it was Mr. Collins. *cue music from Romeo and Juliet* He was standing in a faraway field of daisies, sun rising behind him. His hair was blowing softly in the wind and his shirt was slightly unbuttoned to reveal…
*Music suddenly stops.*
OKAY EW! EW! THAT'S JUST GROSS!
*cough* His shirt was buttoned all the way to avoid traumatizing any and all witnesses.
"GASP! Mr. Collins!" gasped Mary. Mr. Jenson and Mr. Singleton stared at him in shock.
"Oh Mary, I was wrong!" said Mr. Collins. "I do love you, I do!!!"
Somehow Mary was able to hear Mr. Collins voice from far away.
"But, what about your wife?" Mary asked.
"I left her! I could no longer fight my feelings for you."
"YOU LEFT YOUR WIFE?" Mr. Jenson yelled.
"SCUMBAG!" Mr. Singleton said. "THAT IS NO WAY TO TREAT A LADY!"
Meanwhile on hill far, far away the former Mrs. Collins was frolicking in glee.
"I'M FREE! I'M FREE!" yelled Charlotte Lucas…err, Collins…err, Lucas. "MWAHAHAHAHAHA!"
"Can you believe this jerk, Mary?" said Mr. Singleton. "It's a good thing I ruined your chances with him."
"YOU LEFT YOUR WIFE!" Mary yelled at Mr. Collins.
"Yes, my love, yes."
Mary's eyes softened.
"For me?"
The theme from Romeo and Juliet resumed as Mr. Collins and Mary ran towards each other in slow motion.
"WHAT?" Mr. Jenson yelled.
"You have GOT to be kidding me!" Mr. Singleton exclaimed.
After several long minutes Mary and Mr. Collins reached each other and embraced.
"I'm disturbed." Mr. Jenson muttered.
"Word up." Said Mr. Singleton.
"Oh Mr. Collins, you're the one I really wanted all along." said Mary. "Not these two buffoons."
"But Mary! He's a jerk!" Mr. Singleton exclaimed. "After all I did for you…and you just…AHHHH!"
"Yeah, well, you lied." said Mary. "You shouldn't have done that."
"Well, what about me?" said Mr. Jenson. "I didn't lie!"
"You betrayed your best friend and pushed him down the stairs." said Mary. "That was not very nice."
"Yeah, and I've still got the gaping head wound to prove it!" Mr. Singleton snapped. He added matter-of-factly. "I should probably go to the ER or get a band aid or something…"
"But…I thought you were happy I did that!" Mr. Jenson said to Mary. "And Mr. Collins is a slimeball! He left his wife! Do you really want to be 'the other woman'? How do you know he's not just going to leave you one day? If you're not going to choose me, at least choose Singleton! He might be a dunderhead but he's a good guy!"
Richard sniffed and wiped a tear from his eye.
"Thanks Freddie ol' chap!" said Mr. Singleton. "That means a lot…especially coming from a back-stabbing jerk of an ex-best friend."
"Anything for you, old pal!" said Mr. Jenson, clapping him happily on the back.
"I still hate you."
"Back at'cha, buddy!"
"It doesn't matter if Mr. Collins is the scum of the earth, I LOVE HIM!" said Mary.
"So back off, Fools." said Mr. Collins.
"Geez girl, you ain't that smart!" said Mr. Singleton.
"Seriously, they always go for the bad boys." Mr. Jenson muttered.
"WHEN IS THE GOOD GUY…THE BEST FRIEND, EVER GOING TO GET THE GIRL!" Mr. Singleton yelled. He turned his face towards the sky. "CURSE YOU WOMANLY DESIRES TO CONQUER THE BAD BOY AND CHANGE HIM FOR THE BETTER! CUUUUURSE YOOOOOOU!"
(Okay, the thought of Mr. Collins being "the bad boy" is just weird.)
"Err, Richie, have you taken your pills today?" said Mr. Jenson.
"Uh….." said Richard, looking at the ground in guilt.
"Richie, you know you're supposed to take them!" Mr. Jenson scolded. "What am I going to do with you?"
"Geez, sorry! I forgot, okay!"
"Forgot nothing, when I signed up for this friendship I didn't think I'd be babysitting all the time."
Mr. Singleton was sucking his thumb.
"What do you mean? I'm not a baby!" Mr. Singleton said, pulling his thumb out of his mouth.
Just then Hill came running up to them.
"Miss Bennet, come quick! Your father! He is DYING!"
"GASP!" said Mary.
"GASP!" said Mr. Jenson.
"GASP!" said Mr. Collins.
"Why? Did he get pushed down the stairs?" Mr. Singleton muttered, glaring at Mr. Jenson.
"OH NO! AND WE'RE ALL OUT OF ROBOT PARTS TOO!" Mary sobbed and ran home. The three men followed. Mary entered the house. She ran to her father's room and to his bedside. The rest of the family surrounded him, weeping as well. Well, Lydia was sighing in boredom, and Kitty was squawking, but you get the idea.
"B-but…not all th-the girls have f-found found found found found." Said Mrs. Bennet. Kitty kicked her. "Husbands yet."
"Mary…come here." Her father croaked.
Mary knelt down next to her father.
"Mary, I must confess to you…you have been my favorite all these years. I only pretended to like Lizzy better. I felt sorry for her because she has ugly rat eyes. She was mauled by a bear and we had to replace them."
Everyone gasped.
"But papa, she has the prettiest eyes in all of Hertfordshire."
"No, they're contacts." said Lizzy. She took out her contacts to reveal….UGLY RAT EYES, OH NO!
"Gasp!" said Mary.
"Gasp!" said Jane.
"Gasp!" said Mr. Collins.
"Gasp!" said Mr. Jenson.
"Richie scared!" said Mr. Singleton. He clung to an irritated Mr. Jenson.
Lydia yawned and Kitty ate a crumpet.
"NOOOOOOOOOO! YOUR EYES! THEY ARE UGLY!" Mr. Darcy yelled, crying. "I WANT A DIVORCE!"
Everyone stared in shock.
"I'M FREE!" Lizzy yelled, throwing her hands in the air. Literally. (How that is possible, I don't know.)
Everyone looked at her.
"What? He's so grouchy all the time." She said. She yelled at Mr. Darcy. "GO LIVE IN A TRASHCAN, OSCAR!"
Suddenly Mr. Darcy remembered how much he loved her. He has fallen in love with her fine eyes, but stayed in love with her for her sharp tongue.
"Hello, dying guy here!" said Mr. Bennet. "MOURN ME!"
"Oh yeah." said everyone.
"Papa, I do not understand. If I'm your favorite, why did you always disregard me?" said Mary.
Mr. Bennet looked contemplative.
"What I am about to tell you, Mary, must never leave this room. It's one of my deepest, darkest secrets. It's for your ears only."
"Then why are you telling me in front of all these weird people?"
Everyone was peering over Mary's shoulder in interest. Mr. Bennet paid no heed and continued talking.
"It all happened a long time ago when I was a young man about your age…"
ONE HOUR LATER.
"And that is how I saved the WORLD." Mr. Bennet finally finished. His story had been a disastrous tale and though it ended happily it had been full of deceitful activity. Everyone stared at Mr. Bennet in complete shock, except for Mary who was sleeping, Lydia who could never be shocked by anything, and Kitty who had climbed on top of the wardrobe and was now singing.
"That's despicable!" said Lizzy.
"How could you?" said Jane.
"My name is Kitty. I am so pretty." Kitty sang.
"What does that have to do with Mary?" Mr. Jenson asked.
"Nothing, but seeing as I am dying I felt the need to confess." Mr. Bennet said and then died.
A loud commotion ensued. Kitty fell off the wardrobe.
"Whassat?" Mary asked, waking up. Mary, seeing the commotion, began to run around like a maniac like everyone else even though she had no idea what was going on.
"Chill people, he's only sleeping." Lydia said. Everyone peered Mr. Bennet to see that Lydia was indeed correct. He was BREATHING. Everyone gasped. Lydia correct? What a shocker!
"HURRAH!" everyone yelled.
"Oh d-d-darn…I'm not not not not not." Mrs. Bennet said. Kitty kicked her. "Free."
"LET'S CELEBRATE WITH A WEDDING!" Mr. Collins yelled.
"Whose wedding?" Mary asked.
"Ours, silly goose."
"Oh, alright." Mary said.
"YAY!" said everyone.
"NO!" said Mr. Jenson and Mr. Singleton.
"MR. STRAFFORD!" Kitty squawked.
"How come I don't have any lines?" said Mr. Bingley. You do now, Charles. You do now.
And so, a joyous wedding they did have. Mary and Mr. Collins stared happily at each other from across the altar. Mr. Jenson and Mr. Singleton hugged each other and cried. Suddenly realizing they were embracing they pushed each other away and began slap fighting.
The wedding ended and Mary and Mr. Collins went to begin their happy lives together.
Mary gasped and bolted up in her bed, traumatized. She looked over in fear next to her to see if the bed contained any other occupants. Luckily, it did not. Mary gave a sigh of relief.
"What an odd dream that was! I suppose that is my punishment for treating Richard so horribly." Mary said. "Well, if there is one thing, as bad as things might be now, at least they're not as bad as all that!'
Mary laughed to herself. She carried on in such a manner until the door opened. Mary looked at it curiously and was shocked to see who entered into the room.
"What's so funny, my dear?" said Mr. Collins.
Mary stared blankly at him for a few seconds.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" she screamed.
Will Mary stay with Mr. Collins?
Will Mr. Singleton and Mr. Jenson ever be friends again?
Will Mary and Mr. Singleton ever have their happily ever after?
Will Kitty stop squawking?
Will Mrs. Bennet ever get fixed? That sounds wrong.
Will Mr. Bingley get more lines?
Too bad we'll never find out, because that's it. The End. They have to deal with their crappy fates. MWAHAHA…..HA.
Best. Conclusion. Of a story. EVER! (or not.)
In case you don't know what the theme from Romeo and Juliet is, it's that music they always play on tv shows when people are like, in love or something. You know "Daa na, da na na na na na" yeah...that.......if that made sense.
PS: just to let you know, I'm temporarily disabling my anonymous reviews. Someone has been going around and anonymously copying/pasting a very insulting, extremely long flame-type spam review on ppls fanfics just to be irksome. They've done it to 2 of my fanfics (this and another one) and I just don't feel like having them continually doing that. I've deleted them since. I'm sorry you have to sign in to review now, but I hope that doesn't discourage you from doing so. I hope all of you who want to review will either sign-in or register to do so. PLEEEEEEEEEASE. Come on, it was such a fantastic chapter, you just have to!!! Hopefully maybe in the future I'll re-enable anonymous reviews but for now, I'd rather not. Sorry guys.