"This is a story about the worst time of my life." the narrator droned, "About how I was locked away with the worst scum on the entire planet. It didn't matter that I was innocent, well okay not innocent but for the particular crime I was arrested for I was defiantly innocent." the narrator sighed, "I was thrown in here by a tyrannical despot and have been here ever since waiting and watching for the time when I finally leave this place."
"Oh for the love of God shut the fuck up Wilson." the prisoner in the next cell yelled, "I swear if I hear another word come out of that crap hole I'm going to stuff my fist down you throat so far that I'll be giving your heart a tender massage."
"Ah you don't mean that Crell." Deadpool cooed, "Anyway this is the story of my escape from the Annex of Prison 42 known as Negative Island."
"What bloody escape?" Crell asked, "Your locked in here just like the rest of us."
"Stop spoiling it you imbecile." Deadpool replied as he was restrained by the Prison Guards back into the full body brace and most importantly the gag. "I'm speaking because I know I escape thanks to Impurest Cheese's Task Force HAMMER Preview: Broken Amerika."
"What's an Impurest Cheese?" Crell grunted as a large yellow title appeared over his face saying 'Restoration - Escape from Negative Island'. Deadpool shook his head and quickly scribbled out the Restoration before writing in big red letters, 'Deadpool' before nodding and closing the screen.
Dock 17, Negative Island - 17:02PM, 3rd September
"The story begun like any other late pre-evening at this hell-hole." Deadpool narrated, "More prisoners were committed as SHIELD took over from HAMMER as the main peace keeping force. The innocent were allowed to leave with a full pardon, while others were transferred to the Raft, those guys generally have no powers but I digress. Anyway a very special prisoner was brought to Dock 17 the seediest and filthiest entry to the Negative Zone."
"Oh stop narrating Wilson and get to the story." Crell yelled as the screen faded to a long jutting out dock made of metal, a modified T-Wagon dropping cautiously into a large silo, the evening sun blocked out as the craft lined up with the dock.
"What scum do we have today." the Dock Master, a barrel chested man with at least three days growth of stubble asked as guards clad in MACH 1.5 Riot Armor got ready for trouble as they tapped their stun batons and tranquilizer pistols against their legs, anticipating action.
"Names Tito Assad AKA the Janissary, a high tech criminal." Command told the Dock Master from the safety of the portal control office, the high tech matter distortion blasters already firing up ready for the last step of prisoner transport. "Don't get to comfortable, he's only staying here until we can prep him for surgery, removed the electronic patches in his head." she announced, "Then he's going back to the Raft."
"Got it." the Dockmaster confirmed as two guards in armor flanked Janissary, a short man in an orange jumpsuit, his head bowed as he was taken towards the portal. "Okay Pelican 075, Prisoner secure, Transport Team is taking over escort duties. You are clear to land."
"Roger that Dockmaster, receiving escape vector co-ordinates from Control and we're ready for lift off." the pilot of Pelican 075 announced.
"This Control, Pelican 075 your good to go and our last scheduled drop-off for today." Control told the pilot. Noisily the T-Wagon lifted off out of the silo before heading west towards the setting sun. "Okay Lock Down Lights on." Control told the Dockmaster flicking the lights to lock down as the silo doors closed over them plunging the dock workers into a twilight.
"Okay Janissary get moving." the Dock Master growled, "As soon as you're locked up, I can sign off with Control and enjoy myself."
"Control." Janissary snickered, "The way you say it, like you even know what it means let alone have it."
"What are you talking about convict?" the Dock Master asked cautiously reaching for his sidearm.
"Just the fact that your not in control of this situation." Janissary replied coolly as the Dock Master lined up a shot. "One of you stun this basted we will carry him in unconsciously, that will teach him to give us lip."
"You heard him." Janissary told the guards who all turned in unison and pointed their weapons at the Dock Master.
"Control we have a security breach send back-up immediately." The Dock Master gasped.
"To be honest I don't give a flying fuck what happens to you." Control sighed, "Sayonara you misogynistic bloater." she added as one of the guards slammed the Dock Master with his stun stick, knocking him over the edge and into the bottom of the shaft, his scream echoing as he fell before impacting with the generators for the portal below.
"Good work," Janissary announced, "Vandal open the door I'm coming home." he added as one of the guards unlocked the shackles. Walking up to the security office Janissary winked at the camera before the door slid open, a dead guard flopping out onto the floor. Inside Vandal swivelled round on the computer chair, dressed in a cut down prison uniform.
"Well Janissary the first task is done." Vandal told him, "Now where's the money, I was embezzling money from Carlos for years and paying for those HAMMER agents down there," she said pointing at the guards who were setting up defensive positions. "wasn't cheap."
"You'll get paid hacker." Janissary said, "Now tell me how many alarms did we raise when I escaped."
"None." Vandal replied cheerfully, "Security Central doesn't know you've been transferred here until the report gets sent through and by then we are gone. Now where is the money, you promised me pay as you go action." she hissed as she gripped the silenced machine pistol concealed in her boot.
"When my employer get's here you will get all the money I promised." Janissary announced, "Now Stage Two is…"
"Complete Lock Down of the system, I've already started, stuff like plumbing and heating is already offline, security and comms follows as soon as I get paid." Vandal snarled, "So I suggest you find some major cash or I accidently trip all the alarms and nobody leaves."
"Then we'd best pay her." a female voice announced as a blue disc of energy opened up and a woman walked out. "Not just any woman mind you." Deadpool told Creel, "But the director of SHIELD, Melissa Joan Gold. Or at least somebody who looks like her dressed in the original Songbird uniform she wore back in Thunderbolts #1"
"The Thunderbolts weren't numbered Deadpool." Creel sighed, "At least I don't think they were?"
"Anyway this fake Songbird walks up to Janissary and the seductive Hispanic Hacker named Vandal who used to work for Carlos Rohas and his gang and gives them a suitcase full of unmarked 100 dollar bills." Deadpool continued as Janissary, Vandal and Songbird glared at him. "Fine continue telling the story from your perspective." Deadpool snapped, "Rotten Impurest Cheese working against me."
Verity closed the brief case and smiled at Janissary, "Now's time to have a little fun. Open all the doors, do whatever you like but remember my inside man and his target are to be left alone and unharmed, do your understand."
"Yes Boss." Janissary replied, "Vandal lock down the exits and get the communications offline." he ordered before sitting down at the desk and bringing up a list of staff and prisoners. "Seventy Staff and Thirty Two Fellow Inmates, luckily there's a Universal Locking Code that a certain bad man put into the system when it was designed." Janissary mumbled, "That should defiantly even things up. Now who to let loose first." he hummed as he ran down the list of convicts on the computer screen. "Maybe everyone should leave at the same time." he mused as he typed in a 'Release Safety 001-1000'
The screen quickly showed the following status update in the following four catogries; Name, Alias, Control Methods and Security Status
Afrikans, Matthew - Razorwire - Electronic Shutdown - Offline
Assalis, Todd - Tiger Shark - Taser Nanite System - Offline
Brock, Edward - Anti Venom - Negative Feedback System - Offline
Brooks, Eric - Blade - None (Release Scheduled) - Offline
Connors, Curtis - Lizard - Increased Serotonin Schedule - Offline
Conrad, Wendy - Bombshell - Tranquilizer Nanite System - Offline
Crell, Crusher - Absorbing Man - Zero Gravity Field - Offline
Daniels, Edward - EOD - Tranquilizer Nanite System - Offline
Dillon, Maxwell - Electro - Arc Electrical Nullifier - Offline
Dvorak, Sybil - Skein - None (Release Scheduled) - Offline
Gregoravich, Nikolai - Tattooed Man - Tranquilizer Nanite System - Offline
Jackson, Jonas - Stink Bug - Vacuum Airlock Entry - Offline
Jackson, Maurice - Body Steeler - Cerebral Dampener - Offline
Lance, Janice - Pit Viper - Tranquilizer Nanite System - Offline
Leighton, Daniel - Cutthroat - High Density Restraints - Offline
Mackay, Zuni - Ion - X Gene Suppression Field - Offline
Marko, Flint - Sand Man - Automated Cell Sprinklers - Offline
Masaryx, Milos - Unicorn - High Density Restraints - Offline
Myres, Fred - Boomerang - Tranquilizer Nanite System - Offline
Octavius, Otto - Doctor Octopus - Magnetic Tentacle Restraints - Offline
Osborne, Norman - Iron Patriot/Green Goblin - Cryogenic Storage - Offline
Pouncey, Marion - Poundcakes - High Density Restraints - Offline
Salis Theodore - Man Thing - None (Release Scheduled) - Offline
Skorina, Frank - Powderkeg - Emergency Air Conditioning - Offline
Steel, Michael Iron Clad High Density Restraints Offline
Urich, Phillip - Hobgoblin - Tranquilizer Nanite System - Offline
Verrauxi - Dragon Rider - Rapid Evaporation System - Offline
Walker, Geoffrey - Bullet Ant - Motion Destabilizer - Offline
Williams, Odette - Red Back - Chemo-Genesis Nullifier Nanites - Offline
Wilson, Wade - Deadpool - Body Restraints and Gag - Offline
Yelana, Bhelatov - Black Widow - Tranquilizer Nanite System - Offline
"Strange." Janissary mused as he flicked through the files. "Ah come on out my friend, you will enjoy this more then the others." he cackled.
"Wait a second." Crell yelled, "How are you telling this story if your gagged."
"Because Janissary off lined the security systems five minutes ago." Deadpool replied shyly as explosion rocked the hall and guards were thrown around like rag dolls. "Oh maybe we should have been escaping instead of talking." he added sheepishly as he pushed open the door to the hallway. "See you later Crusher." he said waving as he ran past the Absorbing Man.
"Wilson you could have cost me my escape." Crell roared as he stroked the walls, his skin taking on the consistency of the aluminium tiles. "Now you pay." he added smashing through the bullet proof plastic window and advancing on Deadpool menacingly.
"Eep this is going to hurt." Deadpool squeaked as he held his hands in-front of his face and closing his eyes as Crell punched him in the face, the blow was so hard that it caused his head to snap back and dislocate leaving Wade looking down at the floor as the Absorbing Man stomped off trampling a quivering guard as he stepped on him.
"Well Impurest Cheese, I could have had a better start to this adventure." Deadpool moaned as he pushed his head back into its original position. "I see your still pissed off with those remarks I made about you in Dark Avengers: The Deadpool Invasion huh"
"Yes I am." Impurest Cheese replied, "Now get up and get moving. Secretly I'm rooting for you, and the fans will be so bummed if you don't make it out without style and several instances where you break the 4th Wall."
"Okay Man, I love you, you know that right." Deadpool told the Writer as he gave him a hug.
"Get off me." Impurest Cheese ordered before bringing out a pistol from nowhere and shooting Deadpool in the nuts. "Seriously I could have hired Deadshot but no I chose that insane mook." he moaned as laid the gun next to Deadpool before walking off.
"Ow." Deadpool squeaked as he picked up the remains of the bag of honey roasted peanuts he had just happened to find as well as the 9mm of the dead prison guard laying next to him before itching the back of his neck and walking down the corridor after the Absorbing Man. "Well here I go again." he muttered, "On another wacky adventure just for you loyal readers."