Seven
Present day (5 years later)…
I rolled the car slowly onto the drive, the veins protruding from my now white knuckles due to my tight grip on the steering wheel, my face throbbing violently with pain. I turned my key in the ignition, the engine ceasing and casting me into darkness. The rain fell harder now and smashed against the floor. I daren't look at the house. From the five cars I was parked next to I knew they were all there.
The house that I once called home was a distinct memory, which every once in a while when I let myself think of those times, rips a gaping hole into my chest.
There was always an air of mystery surrounding Harry; I wanted to know whether he was happy without me, if he had a girlfriend, according to the tabloids he was single but he probably has some hidden gem somewhere that he hasn't unleashed onto the world yet. I bet he holds her tightly at night and whispers the same lines that were once only for my ears. I wanted to know whether one of the biggest mistakes I ever made was actually the best thing for him.
I had tried to reach out in the past. I missed his presence in my life, just knowing that he was a phone call away would have done me the world of good but I had no such luxury. I'd sent numerous invites to all five of them to my runway shows and other fashion affairs but neither of them showed. It wasn't a surprise really but I still felt a giant hole of disappointment each time. I wanted to share my success with them after everything they'd done for me. I would have killed to have Harry embrace me like I was a close friend and tell me how proud he was of me. But soon enough I lost all hope and I just stopped sending them.
I knew I shouldn't be here but I have no where else to go, or so I keep telling myself. I know that there is no where else I want to go.
In a pure moment of impulse when in fact I should have left right then, I stepped out of the car and into the heavy down pour, I didn't bother pulling on a coat to protect myself, I already looked a mess. It feels good to feel the rain hammer against my bare skin; it tells me that I can feel something, to know I'm not dead inside like I feel every second of my life. My body began to quiver beneath my soaked t-shirt but I didn't care. I trudged along the drive, the rain streaming down my face, hair matted against my face.
I rang the doorbell once and from that point there was no turning back. My heart fell to my stomach and my mouth became dry as my throat closed up with nerves. The door swung open immersing me with the laughter that was coming within. I met his eyes hoping to see happiness and warmth but instead I was met with shock and a bitter tone.
'What the hell do you want?'
Back to 5 years ago…
Harry's lips were the only thing on my mind right now, I didn't even hear what I was being told, it was white noise in the back of my mind. I couldn't deny that I wanted him to kiss me and I felt annoyed when Sam harshly called me away but it was for the best and everything happens for a reason right? I'm even more annoyed at myself for wanting him to kiss me. We aren't compatible and never will be. I could already feel myself letting him get a bit too close.
'Jen! What was that about?' Harry asked as soon as I left Sam's office, leaning against the wall as if he owned the place. His voice gliding over my shortened name made my stomach flip.
'Nothing' I said, bluntly, starting up the stairs.
"What are we doing now?" He asked following behind me.
"Well I'm going to my room"
"I'll join you"
"No!" I retaliated, spinning around so he was staring at me, confusion drenching his face.
"Why are you being so cold all of a sudden?" He frowned, crossing his arms. I could tell he was getting tired of me running hot and cold all the time. "You were fine just a moment ago when we were messing around"
"Just forget about all of that" I replied, turning away from him to carry on up the stairs.
"Wait"
I spun around, my eye brows risen, a look of displeasure upon my face.
"What?" I hissed.
"I had fun so don't tell me what to do. Just when I think we can be friends, you act like I'm a stranger, completely disregarding the moment in the bathroom and then expect me to act like I know nothing. That's not fair" His tone was annoyed mirroring the look on his face.
"That didn't mean anything Harry" I sighed.
"So that's it, you're not even going to talk about it or acknowledge that something happened?"
"No because nothing happened" I emphasised, bracing myself for his next outburst.
"Okay, if that's what you want then fine"
"Okay?" Shock dripping from my mouth. "You're willing to just forget the whole bathroom incident?"
"What bathroom incident?" and I couldn't help but smile in response.
x-x-x
Sadly it was coming towards the end of work experience. I had enjoyed my placement and although no further job had come of it I was confident that this alone would be commendable enough.
Harry and I started to hang out a lot more, as much as I knew that I shouldn't get involved with him I just couldn't help myself. When I was around him, I felt alive and warm. It was like nothing I'd experienced before and the imposing thoughts that he might tell people about my accommodation didn't seem to surface as often as they had before.
I felt my walls slowly falling down which was something that was hard for me to grasp, I didn't want them to, I didn't want to be exposed but at the same time I wanted him to see me for me and not the bitch that he sees a lot of the time.
"Where are we going Harry?" I laughed as we stumbled through the overgrown fields, parting through the shrubbery growing along the path.
"I want to show you something, we're nearly there" He called from in front as I dodged nettles and thorns. The heat radiating from the sun splashed against my bare arms, my sunglasses tinting the light slightly, I looked above at the differentiating shades of green around me.
Harry pulled another overgrown bush to the side ahead of me.
"After you m'lady" His idea of a posh voice being rather comical.
"Why thank-you kind sir" My mimic of a posh voice sounding a lot more realistic than Harrys. I stepped through into a wide open clearing, my mouth open in awe.
"Beautiful right?" Harry appeared next to me as my eyes scanned the outstretched scene before me.
It was like a scene from a fairytale. The blue of the lake shimmering under the rays of sunlight, birds chirping away, flowers of all kinds of shade bursting with colour, the grass soft beneath my feet. I was baffled how such beauty could exist in a world of such cruelty.
Beside me Harry started to roll up his jeans and remove his socks and shoes before sitting down at the edge of the bank letting the water envelope his feet, swishing them back and forth as he waited for me to escape from my daze.
I took a seat next to him too, removing my pumps and rolling up my own jeans. The cold water felt astounding as it lapped around in circles following the patterns of my feet.
"I come here often when everyone on the outside world is too much and I just need to get away for awhile" He smiled turning his head to face me, even through his own sunglasses I was able to see the warmth emitting from his eyes, the content feeling of just being here made everything else seem like a faint memory. "I haven't shown anyone before but I thought you could make some use of it too" I nodded; I didn't really know what to say but I was immensely grateful and he knew I was. I wish I'd known about this place a while ago, I would have loved to have come here, to leave everything behind for a few hours.
"I won't tell anyone you know?" I frowned at his change of topic, confused. "I won't tell anyone where you live" He clarified, brushing the tips of his fingers along my hand, making my stomach react. "I know you're worried that I will and it's been bothering me that you think I will but I promise I wont. You can trust me"
"Thank-you" I smiled, wrapping my arm around his shoulder and leaning into him for a brief second, resting my head against his shoulder before pulling away but leaving my hand next to his on the bank.
"Tell me something no one else knows about you?" He asked. My hair flew into my face in the breeze and I pushed the stray strands behind my ear. It was starting to become easier telling Harry little aspects of my life and I enjoyed learning about his, his existence was enticing. Although I still hesitated for a moment before spilling a tiny bit of myself out into the open.
"I've always dreamed of living in that house in the suburbs with a white picket fence and rose bushes along the front lawn, a dog that would wag it's tail in delight every time I came home, a front porch to sit on and drink home made lemonade as I watch the neighbours go about their everyday business" I smiled as I stared out ahead of me, watching the sway of the bushes and trees on the other side of the lake, dreaming of something so far fetched. "And most of all I want someone to love me" I whispered.
Harrys hand found mine once more as he squeezed reassuringly.
"I have no doubt in my mind that there isn't someone out there who will love everything about you, even your imperfections and if not then I'll love you and we'll get married and have a dozen kids" He laughed. I laughed along too. I wasn't sure why I told him that and I didn't really think before I said it; however it felt good to rid some of the pent up emotion.
"Make that two dozen and we have a deal?"
"We're gonna need a bigger house then"
"You'll have to provide for us Harry so I expect you to have a well paid career like a singer"
"Deal. And our kids will be the most well dressed kids in town having a fashion designer as a mum"
Light conversation didn't cease for the next hour as jokes flew around and laughter flooded the air.
"You never got to tell me something no one knows about you?" I asked as a comfortable silence fell upon us. I started ripping out blades of grass from the ground and pulling them apart in my hands.
"Well doesn't this count?" He nodded ahead of him gesturing towards his secret hideaway.
"Nope" I laughed as he sighed.
"Okay, um" He thought for a moment as I waited.
"I care what people think of me, I care too much. I don't want everyone to have this bad impression of me just because I have a large circle of friends. I tell myself I don't care and give off this attitude that what people say about me doesn't hurt. Half the people don't even know me and have already formed this opinion on me and all I think is 'what have I done to you for you to hate me?' That's why I got so defensive when we had that argument last week because I'm not who everyone thinks I am. Yes I do bad things sometimes but I'd never intentionally hurt someone. I've always told myself I want to be one of those people who doesn't care what everyone else thinks and I so badly wish I was one of those people but I guess I'm not"
Guilt all of a sudden racked my body as his unexpected confession sunk in. He carried on staring out into the distance but I could tell he was waiting for my response.
"Never be afraid to be who you are Harry, you're an example of everything good about this world and I wish more people had the chance to see it but one day you'll prove them wrong, I'm counting on it" This time it was my turn to squeeze his hand and he squeezed it right back.
x-x-x
As we walked along the main road home, the sun slowly slipped behind the clouds leaving a soft glow. Harry rambled on about his favourite album and although I appeared to be listening I was otherwise else where. I had enjoyed Harrys company so much more recently and I knew that I had enjoyed it more than I should have but this deep feeling in the pit of my stomach told me that once we went back to school Monday, our brief friendship would come to an end and this saddened me greater than leaving the familiar confines of the Elle offices.
We reached the top of my road and I couldn't hold off any longer.
"What's going to happen with us now?" I blurted out, my eyes refusing to meet his. Harry stopped and frowned, his short curls blowing in the light breeze, his beautiful green-blue orbs squinting.
"What do you mean?" He raised his voice slightly to be heard over the sound of the busy road and the rustling of the leaves in the trees.
"Well is this goodbye? What happens when we go back to school on Monday?" His expression changed as he caught on to what I meant.
"Well on Monday I'm going to walk past your house back to school and carry on as normal" My heart sunk and I felt overwhelmed with disappointment and I'm sure, much to my dismay, that my face portrayed this too until Curly burst into laughter.
"Just kidding silly, I'll meet you just here Monday morning bright and early, 8:20 on the dot because I think I'd feel quite lost if I didn't see you in the morning, like I have done for the past week and then we'll make the tiresome trek to school together and after you can come over to mine and I'll cook you my famous cheese on toast and then I'll walk you home like a true gentlemen" He finished his tirade by pulling me in a one armed hug as we carried on walking along the road, my cheeks flushing scarlet with embarrassment but my insides were happily doing somersaults.
"It might be 8:30 though" I warned. "I'm always late and I really hate Monday mornings" I giggled as he shook his head smiling, his arm slung lightly around my shoulder making it a perfect end to the perfect day.