You could have heard a pin drop. Silence speaks when words cannot. Silence isn't empty, it's full of answers. Silence says a lot more than you think.
There was a silence in our living room. It wasn't a comfortable one.
My head, out of instinct, turned swiftly to look at Brian. To see his reaction. He was looking straight at Jill, and at Daniel, too, and the muscles in his jaw
were moving, a sure sign of anger in him. I saw Clare, without any other movement or sound, lay her hand on his knee.
My thoughts were spinning all over creation at this point. Guthrie and I exchanged a look between us.
Surely, I thought, Crane or Adam had to have known about this last bombshell that Jill had just dropped. That she was married to that
snake. To Leo. To Leo.
A look at Adam convinced me that he had not known. Crane's expression was harder to decipher. I suddenly felt hot, as if there wasn't enough
air in the room. And I felt fear making my heart beat faster. What was this news, this horrible situation, going to do to our family?
7
I was right to feel that way. About how it was going to affect everybody. Brian was the first to speak. Despite Clare's calming hand
on his leg, he said, "Damn," in a tone that suggested we had entered a crazy zone. And, then, he stood up, shaking his head.
"This is some damn craziness," he added, for good measure. I personally had to agree.
Adam looked stunned. He had leaned forward again, his hands folded, and was sitting there, just as if studying his hands. I felt so bad for
him right then. I wasn't sure just why, but I did.
"Why haven't you gotten a divorce?" Hannah spoke up.
All eyes returned to Jill. To see what she would say.
Jill gave a slight shrug, and a small shake of her dark head. As if to say that she didn't know the answer to the question.
Even I knew that that was the wrong way for her to respond to such a serious question in a serious situation. As if she didn't know, or couldn't be
bothered to answer.
"Jill?" Adam said, and I could hear the censure in his voice. Looking straight at her, he said, "It's a fair question. We have a right to ask it."
Jill didn't look away from his gaze. "Yes, you do," she said, in apparent agreement. Though she didn't sound all that happy about it.
"Let's hear it," Brian said, abruptly.
"She's gonna answer, Brian," Daniel said. "Give her a chance."
"Isn't that what we've been doin'?" Brian countered.
Daniel stood. "Listen, Brian-"
"No, you listen-" Brian interrupted.
Both of their tempers were rising. I felt my stomach knot. Guthrie and I exchanged another look, both of us wary and nervous.
I gave Crane an anxious look now, willing him silently, fiercely, to say or do something. Anything. Before Brian and Daniel could escalate
and this became some giant blow-out. I didn't want them to fight-I hate when they fight-any of them.
Crane, by now, was standing as well, looking concerned, but was silent.
To my immense relief, Adam took charge.
He stood up, coming to stand near both Brian and Daniel. "Let's settle down," he said. "Jill, please answer."
"There is no answer that's going to sound right, or make sense," Jill said. She picked at one of her cuticles. "I just never filed for a divorce."
Everyone, I think everyone, stared at her in disbelief.
"Why wouldn't you?" Nancy demanded. She sounded outraged.
"Before I met Daniel-" Jill shrugged again. "There just wasn't any need. I had no intention to ever get married again."
"That doesn't sound right," Nancy said.
"What if the baby's father had stayed around?" I asked, unable to stay quiet any longer. "Would you have done it then?"
To her credit, Jill looked directly at me to answer. "I don't know, Harlie," she said, sounding tired. "Maybe. I know that I want to now."
"Because of Daniel, right?" Brian asked, a trifle sarcastically.
"Yeah, Brian. That's right," she returned, not looking cowed at all.
"Well, glory be," Brian said, his sarcasm even more evident.
Clare tugged at his hand. "Brian, stop," she said, very low.
"I told you all, before I started, that I was going to say things that you wouldn't understand, things that would make no sense," Jill said.
"Well, that's sure true," Brian said.
I thought I saw a quick look of hurt on Jill's face. "Things that would make you hate me," she added, with emphasis.
"Nobody hates anybody," Adam said, firmly, and I was reminded of when, in our much younger days, Guthrie and I would be scrapping
about something, and he would have to settle the dispute.
"That's right," Crane said, sounding calm. "It's just a lot for everybody to take in."
Jill sighed. I saw her give Crane a very small, grateful smile.
Into the quiet, Brian spoke up, his voice softer. "Just tryin' to understand. That's all."
"It's impossible to understand," Jill said. "I don't expect any of you to really be able to do that."
With a swiftness Nancy stood up, said, 'Excuse me,' and went out the front screen door, letting it flap shut behind her. Evan looked around the
room, and then towards where Nancy had gone, and stood up, as well, going after her.
"I would think," Hannah said, quietly, "That you would want to free yourself legally from the marriage as soon as possible."
"I do want that," Jill maintained.
"Then that should be the first step, talkin' to a lawyer about that, and this paper you signed about putting the baby up for adoption,"
Crane said.
"Maybe you should have a restraining order, too," Clare suggested.
"That wouldn't stop Leo. Or Chess, either. Not if they didn't want to listen," Jill said. She suddenly looked so tired, I thought almost as
though she was a wilting flower.
"It's still a good idea," Hannah said.
"I agree," Crane said.
"I told Daniel-we shouldn't have come here like this, dragging all my baggage and trouble with us, but he said it would be alright," Jill said.
I saw Daniel giving Adam, Crane and Brian, too, an intense look, as if nearly begging for them to affirm what Jill was saying. As if he was counting
on them to not let him down...
Even though I had my own feelings and thoughts right then, about everything Jill had said, and about how Daniel had kept all of it to
himself until trouble knocked on our door...I pushed down the disloyal things I was thinking about Daniel, about how he could have, should have,
shared some or all of this already with Adam or with Crane at least. Right then, I wanted with all my heart for Adam or Crane to give Daniel a nod,
or pat on the back, or something, to show him that they were behind him. Giving him support.
They didn't disappoint. "We're family," Crane said. "We're always going to be there for Daniel."
"That's right," Adam said.
"Even when we think he's wrong," Brian added, and then, before his comment could cause Daniel to respond in anger, Brian reached out
and gave Daniel a light tap on one cheek, in an affectionate way.
He turned to lean down and give Clare a quick kiss, and then said, "Best get to work," and went outside.
Adam ran a hand over his chin, and said, "Yeah. It's that time alright. Lots to do today." He gave Daniel a pat on the upper arm, and smiled at Hannah,
and went out. Crane looked at Daniel. "You coming?" he asked.
"Yeah," Daniel said. He gave Jill a hug around her shoulders. "I'll come back and check on you after awhile," he told her.
"Okay," Jill said.
"You ought to rest awhile," Daniel said. He gave Hannah a look that Hannah must have interpreted in understanding.
"We'll have her rest, Daniel," Hannah said.
Daniel nodded, and went to follow Crane outside, as Crane said, "You too, Guth. Let's go."
Left there, with Jill, Hannah, and Clare, the four of us sat in quiet for a long few moments, and then Jill sighed.
"I sure know how to clear a room," she said, lightly.
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