Disclaimer: I don't own the TMNT

*The guys are 25 years old in this fic.*

*I have the guys at about 6'2" in this fic*

Chapter Thirteen: A Remembrance

Curled up tightly on the couch with Don staring at the TV next to him was Leo. Don adjusted the blankets around the eldest before turning himself towards the TV again and frowning at it. These were the tapes that Jamie had insisted he watch.

Leo's therapy tapes, his talks with Jordan.

Some of them were difficult to sit through, very difficult.

On the current one he was watching Jordan talk to Leo about why he felt the need to take his life and why Leo had failed twelve times to complete this task.

I'm not really good at anything, why would I succeed at that?

What makes you think you aren't good at anything?

I didn't say 'not good at anything' I said 'not really'. I'm a weapon, a shield, a leader. I have nothing else.

You have other talents, Trisha says you bake.

Yeah, bake, a real manly endeavor. A real sport. Something to be proud of. Let me run home and show my brothers, it'll be a riot. I'll never be teased again!

You're very cynical Leo, I have to say that. But I also see that your cynicism and defensiveness are buffers, means of hiding your pain. You don't want people to know what upsets you so you deny the fact that it does, you come off as bored or cynical to avoid the emotional hurt you receive from teasing am I correct?

Leo didn't reply, he seemed to stiffen on screen, arms clamped around his chest, head down. Then he sidestepped the question, at least part of it.

Yeah, I agree. I'm also a jerk apparently.

What makes you think that?

My brothers tell me it all the time. I probably am, I boss them around a lot.

Why?

Its…it makes me feel like I can control something…every once in a while…I guess.

How does that make you feel?

Lonely…I'm always lonely.

Why are you lonely Leo?

Lonely Leo. Ha. Yeah…

Why Leo?

Leo lifted his head and looked up at her, a tear rolling down his cheek.

Because I'm not…not part of the family in that way…I…I'm an outsider…not…part of the family.

Doesn't Splinter call you his son? Don't, Don, Mike, and Raph call you their brother?

It's not the same as actually being a part. I'm always on the outside looking in. I'm never invited to do anything except train. I don't belong.

You feel isolated?

…yeah…

Have you tried to do things with them? Do you have any hobbies they'd be interested in?

I read and train, that's it really…and I bake I guess. I try but then I just end up getting left out because I'm not good enough.

What do you mean by not good enough?

I…don't do things right. Don't play things they want me to or talk the way they want me to. They laugh at me a lot, make fun of me.

Don was jerked back to current time as Leo stirred beside him. Don felt sick, Leo, oh his poor brother. Don rested a hand on his brother's shoulder, gently squeezing it.

"How is he?" Mike asked as he walked into the room, his voice soft.

"Still out, the pain killers I gave him will keep him out of it for at least another hour, plenty of time to finish getting things ready," Don replied, "this is hard to watch."

"I can imagine. Jamie told me what she knew and it was….hard to listen to," Mike whispered, glancing up at the screen where the video was paused, "we really messed him up didn't we?"

"Yeah, and we meant none of it, not in the way he took it," Don whispered.

"Although we have many years of damage to repair, at least now we can repair it," Splinter's voice broke in, then after a pause, "Michaelangelo I believe something is burning…"

Mike shrieked and scrambled back towards the kitchen, much to Don and Splinter's humor.

"MIKEY watch it!" April's voice yelped from the kitchen, "I was just getting ready to get that."

Leo grunted and lifted his head slightly, obviously vaguely aware of the noises around him.

Don frowned slightly and then carefully leaned over and inquired as to whether or not Leo was asleep. Leo hummed softly before stilling and slipping back into the deep sleep he had been in. Don nodded sadly, resting a hand on Leo's shoulder and then tucking the blanket tighter around Leo's skinny frame.

"He's lost so much weight, I'm really worried. I had April pick up some Ensure drinks and researched a lot of recipes, I have Mike mixing some things up so Leo can choose. We're doing milkshakes for desert tonight so he doesn't feel left out on the whole meal," Don said softly, a worried frown.

"Good foresight Donatello," Splinter said softly.

"Sensei…Leo…according to Jordan Leo suffered from two forms of isolation, physical and emotional. I mean even Raph would ask for a hug every once and a while…Leo never asked because he felt he didn't have the right to. Emotionally we cut him off by making him…feel…" Don started.

"Like he was incapable of achieving the perfection we made him believe he needed to achieve," Splinter interrupted.

"Yeah," Don whispered softly.

"We're BACK!" Jamie's voice called.

Don quickly glanced at Leo who was thankfully out cold still.

"Hey Jamie," Don greeted, pausing at the sight of Raph with multiple boxes in hand.

Don nodded a greeting

Raph dipped his head back in reply.

"So Don you help Raph put up the tree, Splinter would you mind starting to open the boxes? MIKE will you help me bring the rest of the boxes in?" Jamie called.

"It's a good thing I drugged Leo," Don teased.

Jamie chuckled.

"Dude he's ignore me anyway I'm usually what he calls a 'freak-show'," she laughed.

"Great," Raph muttered, earning an elbow to the ribs from Jamie.

"Dude that is awesome," Mike chuckled as he walked up.

Mike waved slightly at Raph who dipped his head again and then walked over the stairs, where he and Jamie had agreed to put the tree on their way back.

Mike looked at Jamie sadly.

"I'm not happy about what he did to Leo Sensei but I don't like this, it feels like what we didn't mean to do to Leo," Mike whispered.

"Isolation in this form is best for reflection. By the end of this time Raphael will understand completely what it was that caused his brother's grief and your brothers will finally have peace between them," Splinter said firmly.

There was an anxious pause then, Jamie grinned and pointed. Everyone turned to see Raph kneeling and struggling with the pole to set up the tree. He was snarling angrily as the pole wouldn't stay straight in the mount.

Everyone chuckled slightly.

"So chop-chop let's go before Leo's drugs wear off and he becomes grouchy and awake," Jamie encouraged.

Don chuckled and walked over to his assignment, quickly steadying the pole so Raph could screw the screws tight to hold it upright.

Mike nodded to Jamie and then followed her out to the car, smiling as she hummed jingle bells and skipped the whole time. To be so young at heart, to be so happy with company even after losing everything she had lost. He couldn't help it, the love that was starting to well up in his heart. He ached to know everything Leo had known with Trisha, but was reluctant to approach the subject with Jamie.

After all he was five years her senior, five years older than her. Most people would frown at that. A wave of bitter hurt touched him, was he destined to forever know her as a friend but never be able to show his love to her? He needed to ask Leo how to handle this. Leo knew what it was like to be in love, to want to show that affection. Maybe Leo could help him understand how to respond to this, how to talk to Jamie, what to say.

He felt a heaviness settle on his shoulders and an ache build in his heart. Jamie stopped and quickly turned to smile at him as they reached the truck.

Somehow he managed to smile back, but he didn't feel like it.

After the tree was set up and as he was finishing up the cooking with April everyone pretended nothing new was going on as Leo started to stir. But a cloud seemed to have settled onto his shoulders, weighting him down so much that it was an effort to smile. But he had to, Leo needed all of them to be happy tonight and if Jamie could pull that off after losing her sister then he could manage to hide his misery and suffering.

Mike jumped as April laughed next to him.

"Mike you know glaring at those eggs won't make those brownies mix any faster," April teased.

Mike blinked and chuckled.

"Sorry just thinking," he laughed, "guess I got lost in it."

"That's a first," she teased good naturedly.

Mike chuckled.

"Yeah crazy me, I better finish these up before Leo wakes up. Do you have all the stuff ready for the shakes? I want to make sure it's all ready to go when dinner is over. Is the soup-" he started to ramble.

April laughed.

"Everything's ready to go I've checked the soup twice," she teased, "in the last few minutes."

"Oh…ok good," Mike mumbled before quickly finishing the mixing of the brownies and then pouring them into the pan and shoving them into the oven to cook, "alright…everything's ready."

Jamie gave him a thumb's up as he turned to hear her greet April.

"Awesome, I'll go wake him up," Jamie said quickly as she spun around, dashing in the direction of Leo's sleeping frame and Raph who was sitting next to him.

A/N: Sorry for the long wait got finals and papers I've been working on, another week and I'll be done and able to update more regularly, I'll also get my other stories going then again hopefully.