Chapter 3 – Shepard

"We know the score. We know this is goodbye."

"You're right. We know the score."

Five years ago.

The first thing he recalled was the taste of his lips. Their softness. Their warmth. As his mind reconstructed whatever snippets of memory he still possessed, he began remembering the man behind these lips.

His kiss, rather nervously performed the first time around and delivered perfectly by the end. His embrace. His heartbeat. His voice. His strong arms.

It had been so easy to lose himself in those arms. For a few minutes he would simply forget his worries and let this man take care of it all. A few minutes of bliss.

Then he remembered those worries. The weight of the galaxy on his shoulders. It was too much, way too much, his mind had been screaming in agony for weeks because he would not allow himself to crack under the pressure, and even then he almost had.

He regained consciousness and realised he was lying on a bed. He could not breathe, yet he was breathing. It was a bright room, he could see that with his eyes closed, and after a while he figured afterlife was weirder than he had expected - or maybe, just maybe, he was in a hospital.

Had he survived? Did he live? Was it his heart that was constantly pounding?

The thought shocked him and he opened his eyes. It was all a blur, but he could hear voices. He did not understand a word, but these were definitely voices. Talking. About him.

He was alive. He was exhausted.

Shortly afterwards, he drifted into a dreamless sleep. When he woke up, he was there. And finally, he remembered his name and his smile and just about everything that had made him fall in love. Made him love this man. It had been so long. But had it really? It could have been a century, it sure felt like one, it could have been mere minutes.

"Shepard." The calmness of his voice made it real: He had succeeded. Kaidan caressed his cheek and said: "I've been waiting for you. It's going to be alright."

He could not reply because he had no voice. He could not even move. All he could do was stare at this man. There was not enough time in the world to simply look at him. What a gorgeous sight. And he looked well. He felt a bit ashamed for needing Kaidan so much, for being so weak right now.

"I'll be here", he heard him whisper as Kaidan drew closer and gave him a kiss on the tip of his nose. It was as though their faces were sparking with electricity. "You can rest for as long as you need."

Shepard wanted to continue his staring, but his body got the better of him and he fell asleep. This time he dreamt. He dreamt of the last words he had spoken to his man. Back then he had given up. He had said that they might not see each other again. When the run for the conduit had begun, part of him had already been dead. For once, he had wanted to be cold and ruthless, he had wished not to care. He had said these things so he would not hesitate to do whatever he had to.

Shepard wanted to apologise now.

Whenever he woke up in the course of the following days, Kaidan would be there. He would always smile. Sometimes, he would look out of the window and pretend not to listen while others came to visit, sometimes he would participate in their talks. Most of his crew came by except for James, who had sent a get-well card to his loco Commander (and would receive one in return).

The doctors were reluctant to tell him about his injuries, but he insisted. It could not have been too bad, he thought, he had actually died once, after all. So they told him he had lost half his face to an explosion while the rubble he had been found in had wrecked the other half. X-Rays of his skull made Kaidan joke about their resemblance to a certain Humpty Dumpty, although he never laughed about it, and every other bone in his body seemed to be broken. His right lung, his liver and parts of his intestines had had to be replaced, as well…

Yet he was breathing, thinking, living. "Lucky" was not strong enough a word to describe his survival.

Shepard recovered fast, or so he was told. He knew that other soldiers with his kind of injuries were put out of their misery or given pain medication until nature took care of them, but he was a special case. At times, this thought sickened him, most of the time, however, he was indifferent. He was incapable of complex thoughts and his brain worked along the lines of: "Kaidan good, doctors bad."

Three weeks after waking up they let him breathe for himself and sit on the side of his bed. He was allowed to eat soup and he started nodding and shaking his head because he had grown tired of listening without responding. His hands did not obey him yet, but he practised hard. Another two weeks would pass before he could make sounds with his mouth, but it took one more week before they resembled any language known to man.

He grew impatient and his temper began to rise. Being helpless was okay for a few hours, but this had gone on too long. And while he could accept Kaidan's presence at these times, everyone else annoyed the hell out of him. He snapped at his nurse, he insulted his doctors, he ordered his crew to stay away from him. At one point, he threw everyone who was not medical staff out of his room.

And of course, Kaidan would not have it.

"I've seen your body before they patched you up. You were nothing but a red pulp of flesh inside an armour. Without it, it'd have been impossible to tell if you were human or alien. Believe me, Shepard, it was a horrible sight."

Shepard felt sick. It was the Lazarus Project all over again. Had he been recreated from a corpse – again? Could he not simply die and find some peace? He almost wished to be dead.

"You were alive, though", Kaidan had continued as though he was answering. "It was a miracle, but this bloody mess had a beating heart. Do you know how we found you? Your armour sent out a signal, it was traced and we found what was left of you. They brought you to a hospital and identified you with your dog tag. They hauled Liara and me in to confirm your identity.

"Liara wept for days when she heard. You know how it is, Shepard. Once the battle is over and the adrenaline is out of your bloodstream, you let your guard down and your emotions take over... I went to see you every day, expecting the worst. And you got better. They cleaned your wounds, they stitched you up, they reconstructed your organs and your face. The only unknown was when you would wake up, but you did that on your own.

"You're getting better at an enormous rate. It may seem ridiculously slow to you, but I have seen what you're recovering from. Trust me when I say: You're doing good, John."

More than anything else it was the use of his first name that calmed Shepard. Kaidan had rarely done this before except for those intoxicating moments when they had been lost in each other. His rage had… evaporated.

For a while the biotic fell silent. He looked out of the window as he had so often before and Shepard did not know what to do or say. He was embarrassed about his ill-tempered behaviour. Eventually, though, he decided to stand up and limp to his man.

It took a lot of effort to say it right: "Sorry."

"Don't be." Kaidan took his hand, but did not smile. "We do understand your frustration. The others respect you too much to be angry and they know you too well to be hurt. And me, well, you know, I'm yours. Have been since llos, really. It's my job to make things right for you. After all, it's only been three months. You are impressive."

Shepard tried to say something, but he could not convince his tongue to move properly. Instead, he pointed at Kaidan, then at his eyes and indicated wiping them. Had Kaidan cried for him? He could not really picture it as the biotic usually was so perfectly in control of his emotions.

Kaidan looked at him. "What do you think?", he said after a beat and Shepard knew.

As weeks turned into months, he regained his ability to speak, to move, to eat. He began working out again so he would feel strong again and he moved into the Normandy's wreck in the Southern parts of London. Finally, he was back home and everyone else seemed to be there, too.

Liara had kept her room downstairs and gathered information, Garrus and Tali were spending a suspicious amount of time helping each other calibrate (especially as both the cannons and the drive core were dysfunctional now) while Joker and EDI took care of the camp that was being built around them.

Recovering meant, however, that Shepard had to return to his duties. The press had declared him a hero and the Alliance demanded one or two interviews a week. The newly founded Council, consisting of all the stranded races, had made some unpopular decisions and the resulting frustration needed soothing. Who could be more suited than the Shepard?

It was a good thing he was surrounded by close friends. They kept him sane whenever the politicians wanted to ruin everyone's good time. He knew they were right in pushing for new Mass Relays, but a lot of soldiers, scientist and civilians deserved a rest and they needed a proper home, not just some generic leftovers from colonisation attempts piled on top of the ruins of their houses.

But Shepard was not happy that he seemed to do little else than boost everyone's morale. Everyone else had better things to do, after all. Liara had begun making long lists of survivors and tried to locate their families. She admitted that even she was surprised how well it went, but she was the Shadow Broker - it was her job to know things before anyone else in the galaxy.

Tali had become a full-fledged admiral of the Quarian Fleet. She spent half her days in the liveships to make sure there was enough food for both her people and the Turian. She was honoured by co-signing a new Cooperation Treaty between their two races, delivering a speech alongside Primarch (and Councillor) Victus.

Garrus was incredibly proud. He, meanwhile, had rallied a bunch of soldiers from all races to re-establish some kind of police force. It was infuriating to see some people abuse the chaos after the war to go on a looting spree, but people had always been idiots.

Dr Michel took care of them all. Most injuries had healed, but some wounds required more than stitches and pills. She was just as good a doctor as Chakwas and every bit as dedicated. Shepard saw her every day for the first month after his release and she said he was as good as new.

And then there was Kaidan. Shepard was incredibly impressed by everything his man was doing. In addition to his Spectre duties for the Council, he was spokesperson for human biotics and mediator whenever two races had a disagreement. Granted, he did not do too well in interviews, but who had ever been perfect?

Present day.

Shepard missed his fish. They were still in the Normandy and Joker was taking care of them (or saving money to buy replacements before Shepard would find out), but he had liked to look at them every once in a while.

Back then when Cerberus had resurrected him he had needed his fish to keep himself calm. Working for a terrorist organisation, even though he was doing the right thing, had enraged and frustrated him. Sure, he could tell his friends he had been using them, but he could not fool himself. He could not fool Kaidan, either.

Meeting him on Horizon had disturbed him. It had been the first time he had realised that two years had passed for one man while the other had merely taken a nap. And the look on his face… Shepard never wanted to see it again. Cold. Resentful. Disappointed.

He had tried to blame him, he had tried to be angry, he had distracted himself with Miranda, but he knew that Kaidan was right. Had their roles been reversed, he would have been just as distant.

Thankfully, the new Normandy had a fish tank in the captain's cabin and Shepard had bought all kinds of exotic fish. Whenever he felt frustrated for having lost two years of his life and the control over it, he would take a seat and just stare at the fish.

Eventually, he would calm down.

Shepard was sitting on his bed, playing with his space hamster to distract himself when Kaidan called him on his omni-tool.

"Hello, John", he said and smiled. He was still wearing his uniform, he had probably been working up until now. It would be like him, after all.

"Hey Kaidan. How are you doing up there?"

"Well, you know, it's the same we've already been through a thousand times. General Lemaes is fighting with Primarch Victus while General Kirrahe offends General Koris. Hackett doesn't say anything at all, but what do you know? Admiral Xeltan had a speech prepared."

"Sounds like fun."

"You bet. Once I'm home we have to watch a certain Hamlet production again. So, what've you been up to?"

"The same old stuff." Shepard sighed. "I've been to Liara's. We had a nice chat about her father."

"Yeah, she sent me a message about her."

"And guess what? The Normandy's ready. Joker will bring her back to you."

Kaidan paused. "Are you alright, John?"

Dammit, Kaidan, why did he always know when he was hiding things?

"Of course I am", Shepard said. "But I guess I'm getting tired of being stuck on Earth. Not that that's all that unusual these days. It's getting harder to be patient, though."

"I know", Kaidan agreed. "You may be human, but Earth is not your true home. Space is. You were born to be out there."

"If all goes well, we won't have to wait much longer. Will you take me with you if you go to Palaven?"

"Of course I will. The Normandy's still your ship."

"We've had this discussion… She's an Alliance ship. And I'm not with the Alliance anymore."

"You know how I feel about that. You're also part of my crew as long as the Council doesn't provide you with a proper ship."

Shepard nodded smilingly. Soon afterwards, he wished his husband goodnight and put his omni-tool back on the desk. It was good to hear Kaidan's voice before he went to sleep – he would have much nicer dreams tonight.

Author's notes: - First and foremost: thank you for those kind reviews! I'm thrilled :D
- Soo, this chapter contains lots of hints where I want this little fanfiction story to go... there are a bunch of questions that need answering... Lots of speculation *cough*
- And I didn't really remember the dialogue from the beginning, but it's the dialogue option I chose on my first playthrough. It was really depressing :-(