Chapter 5 – Shepard

"I need a straight answer."

"Kaidan."

"Don't 'kaidan' me, this is business!"

The first anniversary.

Earth was doing okay. There were enough houses, there was food and water, there was a government. Many were still unhappy, but how could they not be? A new dark age had begun.

Thus, the Council decided to hold worldwide celebrations on the anniversary of their victory. Remind people what they had achieved to keep the growing frustration down. So many things still needed to be done and rebuilding the Mass Relays would cost a lot more than patience.

Shepard knew it was a good decision. People needed to vent and an excessive party would be a good idea. He was nevertheless surprised when his crew approached him about a party on the Normandy's crew deck.

"You've already missed our initial party, how can you even think about it?", Kaidan insisted.

"We'll invite everyone", Garrus added. "It'll be like a reunion."

Shepard agreed without much resistance. It was easy to decline the Council's invitation to the official party – he was in no mood for a suit. And he rather liked the idea of seeing his friends again, he had not seen most of them for quite some time.

And sure enough, it seemed like everyone had made it to the party. Even James had come from Italy. He had lost both his legs, but his prostheses worked well enough for now. Given time, he would get new legs, he was sure of it. He was sitting in the lounge and shared some wild stories about even wilder nurses while Liara was constantly rolling her eyes. Presumably, Tali was doing the same thing. Garrus, however, listened intently.

Jack and Joker were exchanging something similar to pleasantries when she noticed Shepard and tried to pull him to dance a bit, but he insisted on drinking first. Fleeing to the bar he met Jacob, who showed him pictures of his newborn. Miranda was with him, they drank a glass of Bourbon each and he commented on how much she was laughing tonight.

"Don't forget I'm designed to perfection, John, so I know when to enjoy myself", she joked and hugged him. "You've liberated me of a lot of burdens, too."

A few hours later, he spotted her dancing wildly with Jack. He laughed out loud at that sight – it had been only little more than one and a half years since he had stopped them from killing each other.

Wrex and Grunt were on the observation deck and told some gruesome stories about tearing apart Reaper troops and feasting afterwards. Zaeed had a few anecdotes of his own to add. Steve and Trayner had both brought new partners, but seemed much more interested in talking to their old colleagues than them – well, they probably spent enough time with each other already. Dr Chakwas and Dr Michel, in the meantime, spoke a language he knew nothing about: medicine.

"There you are, John", Liara said as he returned to Garrus, James and Kaidan, who had joined them. "I want to dance with you."

"And I want to see you dance", Tali agreed. "Your smooth moves have become a legend themselves."

"Are you making fun of me?", Shepard asked.

"We'll do it in the interest of science", Liara laughed and dragged him onto the dance floor. He had always been self-conscious when it came to dancing, but now, surrounded by a flock of beautiful women, he was sure that everyone was looking at him. At least, these people were his closest friends…

When the last guest had left and every resident of the Normandy had returned to their quarters, Shepard took the elevator up to his cabin and found Kaidan sitting on the sofa with two glasses and a bottle.

"I'm really sure I don't wanna drink that", Shepard said as he sat down.

"I'm really sure you do. It's water."

"Oh, okay then." As he emptied his glass and another one right after that, he noticed Kaidan staring at him. He did not mind usually, but something about this stare was amiss. The other man looked really tired – and sombre. He was too drunk to raise his eyebrows questioningly, but Kaidan understood anyway.

"Seeing James today reminded me of some things, John. I need to ask something and I'm not sure I'll like your answer."

"That's as vague as it gets."

"Well…"

"Stop. Not tonight. I've been drinking. Can we do this when I'm sober?" Shepard had no intention of having a fight (Kaidan sounded as if he was about to start one) and he was drunk enough to sleep in spite of his curiosity.

"Of course. It's just – I couldn't keep it to myself anymore. But it can wait another night, yeah."

He smiled insecurely and Shepard ruffled up his hair in response (Kaidan hated that) before he staggered to their bed. By the time he woke up he had already forgotten about this conversation, but Kaidan had put on his serious face all through breakfast and it became hard to ignore.

"What's wrong?", Shepard asked when they returned to their cabin and sat down to watch the news. Parades all over the globe… nothing interesting.

"Well, stuff. Last night. You know…"

"This isn't about Miranda again, is it?"

"No!"

"Good. Well… Did I do something embarrassing? I didn't punch any reporters, did I? Oh no, I didn't knock out Diane Allers?"

"No, no, she wasn't even there", Kaidan reassured him. "It's just… I wanted to have a talk with you. After the party. But it wasn't the best moment, so…"

"Ah." Shepard remembered and he really was not pleased by the idea of a "talk". But one of the things he had learnt in his life was how putting off unpleasant things tended to make them worse. "Then let's have this talk."

Kaidan shifted in his seat, looked at the fish tank, sighed. He was clearly uncomfortable and Shepard had no idea why.

"Do you think I'm a good man?", he finally asked in a low voice.

"Yes, you are", Shepard answered without hesitation, but in a tone of surprise.

"Do you think I'm a good soldier?", Kaidan continued, still looking away.

"Yes, you are."

"Did I ever fight badly under your command?" He was almost whispering now.

"No, you didn't."
What kind of questions was he asking? Shepard felt his temper rise.

"Have you ever doubted I could hold my own on the battlefield?"

"Of course not. What's this, Kaidan? Are you being stupid on purpose?"

Kaidan paused and looked at him, acidly. Then he said: "I'm not your puppy, John. I'm not some convenient idiot you screw before you go to war while he longingly awaits your return. I'm a soldier, a good one, too. I can fight."

"I know that!"
Shepard was standing now. He had no idea what kind of idiot had replaced his Kaidan, but he was not going to listen to these accusations. Puppy? Convenient? Shepard could have had any man or woman in the galaxy, why in the Catalyst's name would he have settled for this man who was nothing but high maintenance if it were not for love?

"Then why didn't you take me with you?"

Kaidan had too much control over his body to yell, but his body was gleaming blue with biotics – a dangerous sign.

"What do you mean? I took you with me every single time!" They worked well together, they always had. What was Kaidan's damn problem? He had never been this angry before, not even on the topic of Miranda.

"No, you didn't." The blue faded. "When you went to storm to the Citadel, you took Liara and James with you. You left me behind, John. It was the most important mission of your life and for the first time, you left me behind."

"I… what?"

"I've been wondering about that, you know. Did you think that I was useless? That I was weak? I'd always thought I was a good and powerful soldier. And then, of all times, that was when I actually doubted my abilities. And you of all people made me. Since then I've thought about this a lot, John, and as much as I love you I can't…"

"Hold it right there, Alenko", Shepard interrupted calmly. "You're being stupid."

"Thank you, Shepard", Kaidan replied, stressing the last word unnecessarily. "But I know I'm a good soldier and I know I deserve someone who doesn't look down on me."

"I ordered you to shut up", Shepard said smilingly and looked down at the floor, gathering his thoughts. "I need you to listen to me. You're overthinking this. Just… give me a moment… to think about my words… because I want to be clear on this. I don't want to lose you."

Kaidan looked sad, dammit, why did he always spend so much time with his thoughts? Shepard had shared almost everything with him and Kaidan had kept this nuclear bomb from him for a year?

He would punish him for this later. Right now, he needed to save him from his idiocy.

"I was… prioritising", Shepard began. "No, listen to me, then get pissed. That last mission – getting to the Citadel - we weren't allowed to fail. Failure equalled extinction, simple as that. None of us could afford to worry or think about anything else than the mission itself. And… I know you're strong, Kaidan, I know you're brave. But letting you accompany me…" He paused. "No. I couldn't take you. I would worry about you. I just can't help it. And that wasn't an option, so I had to leave you behind. I knew you weren't really safe, but maybe you'd be safer. I'd hoped to worry less about you."

"John."

"That was why I gave up on us when we were at the camp. Farewell, remember? When we told each other we wouldn't see each other again… I've never really apologised for that."

"You didn't have to. I haven't forgotten who started it."

"Yeah, but that's because you're dark. But I – I was once told I was like a beacon of hope to the galaxy. And I had no hope for us. That's been bothering me for a while and I really needed to say: I'm sorry. You see, I've done some brooding, too", he added with a wink.

"Now you're mocking me", Kaidan laughed and kissed him passionately. "It's good to know you're not… you know."

"I'm looking up to you, in fact. You're dealing with this mess on Earth far better than I am. You're – impressive. You're also an idiot. But we're good now, aren't we?"

Kaidan kissed him again. "Do you wanna marry me?"

Shepard blinked. "Huh. That's not the reply I expected."

"Yeah. I expected something different from you, too, you know."

Both of them laughed.

Present day.

Shepard looked up to the sky and felt slightly disappointed to see nothing but perfect blue. No trace yet of the Normandy. It was unlike Joker to be late even if it were only five minutes.

They had cleared a Normandy-sized landing pad near their camp because new houses had been occupying the old spot for a while now. He had almost forgotten how huge the ship was until Liara and Kaidan had finished their work. Biotics really did accelerate the process (a few singularities and well-placed throws were all it took).

"Joker's late", Shepard said and started playing with his wedding ring. It was a bad habit, he knew it, but he had always been an impatient man. Eight years ago, he had had a habit of "losing" the connection to the Council whenever they were scolding him for making the right choices. This in turn had infuriated the Council even more and with each report, they had become less patient with him. A vicious circle. After the destruction of the Destiny Ascension, the new Council had been distrustful and distant towards him at best. He could not really blame them, either. They, too, were dead now - killed when the Reapers took the Citadel.

"Give him a few minutes, he deserves a joyride and a few minutes alone with EDI", Kaidan replied interrupting Shepard's thoughts, who felt gentle biotic powers pull his hands apart. "Stop that. One day, you'll lose that ring."

"Aye, aye, mom."

"I wonder what she looks like now", Liara said, grinning at the two men.

"According to Joker, they didn't change much", Shepard explained. "The CIC mostly because we're not at war anymore, but our quarters are the same. Or will be again once we move back in."

"And then we'll fly to Jupiter", Tali said. "I'm really excited."

"We've been to space before, Tali", Garrus explained as though to a child, but there was definite (and affectionate) mocking in his voice. "Only last month, remember? That mobster on the moon?"

"I know!", she responded. "But flying with the Normandy's different. She's not a random ship, she's home. I'm vas Normandy."

"You may be vas Vakarian soon."

"That's not how it works!"

"There she is." Liara pointed to the sky. She was right - there was something approaching them at immense speed. Damn, had she always been so fast? He could hardly see more than a blur as she swooped down on them, decelerated and touched the ground with a soft thud.

Yes, he thought as he gazed at the ship with the NORMANDY SR-2 writing on her side. The Normandy was more than just an advanced battleship. She had been with him on almost all of his adventures and he had spent the most exciting and most frightening time of his life there. He had got to know his closest friends on board, too. Just as Tali had said: She was home. He was whole again.

Author's notes: This whole fanfic is kinda an epilogue for my "canon Shepard". The second character to finish ME1, the first to finish ME2 and ME3. He was a true paragon, but he did make mistakes and he really lost his patience with the Council. There'll be eight chapters and an epilogue - that's the plan anyways.

- Admittedly, Kaidan's a bit whiney in the flashback scene. But then again, he may be so. My BF doubting me hurts a lot more than some random dude doubting me.

- No Kasumi, sorry. As much as I liked her, she just didn't exist in that "canon save file"- hence the Kahje thing from the previous chapter.

- There's no Shepard without a Normandy!