Chapter 6 – Kaidan

"What happens if this doesn't work out?"

Present day.

The Normandy's first flight took them to Jump Zero. Also known as Gagarin station this place held a lot of memories for Kaidan, but he had not come for a brain camp reunion – Jump Zero was the construction site for the Pluto Relay. Because resources were scarce, the Council had decided to use existing facilities instead of building new ones.

When the ship docked, Kaidan and Shepard – each with a distinct mission - entered the space station in the company of Tali and Liara. A Salarian engineer and a human scientist greeted them and led Kaidan and Tali to the observation deck, while Shepard and Liara were headed to the laboratories.

"Say hi to Dr Wiks", Tali said. Dr Padok Wiks had initiated a project to engineer new kinds of fast-growing vegetable for the dextro-amino races, so she was quite fond of him.

An elevator took Kaidan and Tali up two floors. Jump Zero might have been small compared to Omega or the Citadel, but it was still the biggest deep space station of the Sol system. About ten thousand people lived here and a liveship in the vicinity housed nine hundred more.

"There. Can see it from here", the Salarian said and pointed to the windows. The view was spectacular…

Five years ago, the explosion of the Charon Relay had split Pluto into two large pieces. One of them had eventually crashed into Jupiter, the other one had collided with Nix causing a chain reaction – none of Pluto and its moons was left today.

Therefore, the new Relay would be anchored to dwarf planet Eris and damn, it did look like a proper Relay. Of course, it was a lot smaller than the old Charon Relay because Eezo was rare and could hardly be taken away from the remaining fleets – what use would a Relay be without properly equipped ships?

"Everything seems fine", Kaidan observed. He could see the larger drones in the distance that were polishing the Relay's arms. When every race in the galaxy put aside their differences and worked together, this was what they could accomplish. If the Pluto Relay worked, it would be the pride of the galaxy.

It was a big if, however.

A lot of people in command were worrying. They had data on the Relays, sure, they had data on a few Reapers, too, and they had the knowledge how a Mass Relay was activated and used – but was it really enough to build one from scratch? Hell, only last month an Asari scientist had publicly stated the amount of Eezo used was nowhere near enough.

Of course the Council had denounced her immediately, they had even released proof that the Asari in question had never had any contact with anyone on the Relay project. But it had caused uproar nevertheless. It was no coincidence that the budget for the Jovian Salvage Project had been increased a few days later…

"Major Alenko. Good to see you." A Turian approached them and saluted. "As you can see the Relay is nearly finished. We're twenty hours behind schedule, but we'll catch up."

"Councillor Victus has moved a lot of money for you, as you know", Kaidan told him coolly. "Don't fall behind again or Councillor Kirrahe will chop off your head."

The Turian seemed taken aback, but then continued: "Of course not. The rings will be installed in thirty-two hours."

"And the core?"

"In the enrichment site. It's ready, but it won't be moved until the Relay's in position. Too dangerous. The Salvage Project is hopeful they have found more Eezo from the Charon Relay, too, so we might be able to expand it. They're preparing probes for Jupiter as we speak."

"Good. Is there anything else I need to know?"

"No, Major."

"Okay. You're dismissed."

The Turian nodded and left in a hurry. After the doors had closed behind him, Tali began to giggle.

"They're afraid of you."

"They shouldn't have been late to begin with", Kaidan replied. "The completion of this project is in all our interests. I don't see how I'm the villain in this."

Tali agreed and gazed at the Relay. "We'll have to build a lot more of them before I can set foot my homeworld again."

"What's the situation on Rannoch?"

"Hasn't changed. There are not enough engineers to build a Relay quickly. It'll take another decade at least."

"I'm sorry."

"It's alright. We have been homeless for three hundred years, we can wait a little longer. Some of our scientist are trying to find out if there are any Geth data left, but it seems their memory cores were wiped clean just as thoroughly as on Earth. The Geth could have helped us a great deal."

Kaidan patted her on the back and stared out of the window, too. He dreaded to think what would happen if the Relay did not work. In the best-case scenario there would be riots for a few weeks, then they would start to think of new means while finally starting to rebuild the planet. In the worst-case scenario these riots would turn into terrorism and wars until truly nothing was left.

Later that day, Kaidan and Tali rejoined Shepard and Liara in the mess hall. The Asari told them about Dr Wiks's progress on his research with the Rachni.

"He may have found out how the Rachni songs work. He didn't tell us any specifics, but he says it might actually be possible to copy the principle of their communication."

The reason Liara accompanied Shepard whenever he travelled to Jump Zero's laboratories was her endless enthusiasm as a scientist. Despite her position as the all-knowing Shadow Broker she still wanted to find out some things at first or second hand, not just through her ominous contacts. Last year, she had publicised a book on the last days of the Prothean Empire. It had caused quite a stir within the archaeologist community.

Kaidan still remembered her rescue from Therum and how much time she had spent with Shepard in the course of the following weeks. He and Ash had often been speculating whether there was something more going on between them, but there were never any real signs. And truth be told, Shepard did make it a point to get to know his crew well. Ash had always said their commander was a special kind of man. At some point, Kaidan had wondered if every single woman on Normandy adored Shepard. But hell, the Commander had even made him open up and tell him about brain camp, Rahna and Vyrnnus – the whole story.

Jump Zero had come a long way, he thought. It still looked similar, but it was a completely different place all the same.

"How long are we gonna stay here this time?", Tali asked.

"Two days", Kaidan answered. "I have to be here till the rings are in position. But at least, we can take up quarters in the Normandy."

"Garrus wants to hit Aftershock tonight", Shepard said. Aftershock was the local club. "Think I might join him. Will you come with us?"

"Of course", Tali and Liara answered in unison.

"No", Kaidan replied. The sum of all the happy memories always made him want to leave the station as soon as possible. This place gave him the same kind of hollow feeling in his guts he had had so many years ago on the night before they had arrived on Ilos. "Promise me you won't pass out in an elevator again?"

"That happened once!", Shepard argued, but the others were already laughing.

Eight years ago.

He entered the captain's cabin without a second thought. Well, he had been thinking about it a lot, actually, but knocking had never been part of his plan. It was not until he stood in front of Commander Shepard that he realised his rudeness.

"Commander?"

Shepard was sitting at his desk and looked up at him, taking him in.

"Don't you think we're a little past titles?", he asked eventually. It was not what Kaidan had expected.

"We're a little past a lot of things", he said while his head seemed to grow hot. "What happens if this doesn't work out, Shepard? We mutinied, stole a prototype warship… If they wanted to get technical, they could throw in kidnapping. We're a hell of an example of humanity's best and brightest, huh?"

"Someone has to get the job done. Let someone else be on the poster."

"Yeah, I doubt the Reapers listen to our propaganda anyway. It'll really hit the fan when we get to Ilos." Kaidan hesitated. "If things don't go well, I want you to know… well… I've enjoyed serving under you."

"You're a good soldier, Kaidan."

The two men stared at each other in silence. What was it about the commander that made Kaidan so nervous? That made his heart skip a beat whenever he heard him say his name? Ever since Virmire something had felt off – he was flustered whenever he looked into his superior's eyes.

"Talk to me, Kaidan. You've got a little black raincloud sitting over your head."

"I – I know we've already talked about this. But why am I standing here? Why not Ash?" He had thought he was going to die on Virmire. During the moments Shepard had needed to make his decision he had made peace with the world, knowing that Ash would make a good comrade to the commander. Maybe even more. For such a small ship the Normandy sure provided for a lot of rumours…

"I'm sorry", Shepard said, left his desk and sat down on his bed. "There was no time. I couldn't save you both. And… I'd never leave you behind. I couldn't. You know that."

"I… did not. But I am grateful", Kaidan whispered. Not sure what to do next he simply stood there, looking anywhere but at the man in front of him.

"Is there anything else?", Shepard asked after a few moments.

"No, Commander. I should go."

"Kaidan."

"Shepard."

"Come on!" Shepard stood up again. "I can get a salute from anyone on this ship. Sometimes I need a friend."

Kaidan chuckled. "Yeah. I always leave a way out, you know that. I'm here for you. But we're in a rough spot. And the last thing I wanna do is muddy things. Like it's all that clear to start with. Are we the pride of the fleet or not? Are we valued agents or just peons?"

"Can't just pull out a good old fashioned 'it'll be alright', can you?"

"It's that easy, huh? Okay then, everything will be fine, Shepard. You'll figure it out."

"That wasn't so hard now, was it?"

"I could get used to it. And I honestly don't think anyone can stop you. I don't think I've ever met a man like you."

Shepard seemed a bit embarrassed, but he smiled nevertheless. "You haven't had the easiest life. But I like the man that's made you."

"Please, Commander. You'll make me blush."

"Unless your biotics turned red, it's already too late."

There was another moment of silence, in which Shepard seemed to be contemplating. But before Kaidan could find the courage to ask, the commander had already opened his mouth:

"Bunk here tonight, Kaidan."

"Is that an order, Commander?" His response was automatic and out of his mouth, before he had processed Shepard's words and their implications – and now, he was panicking.

"Sometimes I need a friend", Shepard repeated exasperatedly. "And sometimes I need a shoulder. This mission may be a one-way trip. I'd hate to think I'd spent my last moments alone. So… will you stay?"

"Y-Yes, Commander."

It was all he could say. His mind was racing with all kinds of thoughts and he found it hard to focus on one – just what was happening? And did he want this?

"My name is John."

As uncomfortable as the situation was for Kaidan, he was excited all the same. He had always admired the Commander, idolised him even. The way he had refused to kill anyone on Feros even when they were shooting him – his incredible charm and diplomatic abilities – mutinying to do the right thing – it was far more than simple respect he felt for this man. Did he want this? Yes, he did...

"Thank you, Kaidan. I think you know how inappropriate this is."

"Yeah, we could get drummed out of the service for fraternisation. Of course, we'll probably get the firing squad for mutiny anyway."

Kaidan did not know what to do next. He was in way over his head. Liara might have killed to be in his position, he thought. He was going to - spend the night with Shepard. Huh. "Spend the night". He had no idea what this would mean.

Shepard smiled and walked up to him, stopping only when they were only a few inches apart. He reached out – time stood still. Yes, the biotic thought, he knew exactly what he wanted to happen now.

Instead, everything went dark. "Light switch", Shepard whispered. Kaidan was probably standing in front of the little button right next to the door, but using an omni-tool to turn off the light would have done the trick, too... What was going to happen now? He was trembling with nervousness.

The only light left came from a haptic interface on Shepard's desk, but it was enough for the two of them to see each other. They were looking into each others' eyes and neither was moving. Kaidan felt the heat from the other man's body and realised his arm was still hanging next to him him from turning off the light; his mind was swept clean of all things bar leaning forward and…

"Kaidan", Shepard said softly and the room seemed to vibrate by the bass of his voice. "There's… I…"

Kaidan closed his eyes, now certain he wanted it, but too afraid to do it himself. He trusted Shepard to take care of the matter. To push forward. To be brave.

To kiss him.

He could already feel his breath on his lips. Or was he just imagining things? Damn, why could he courageously sacrifice his life for his friends, but not move half an inch forwards?

Moments passed. And the kiss never happened.

"I'm sorry. Good night." Shepard turned his back to Kaidan. Devastated, the biotic opened his eyes and looked away while the commander undressed and got ready for bed. "Do you… I… you can still stay here. My bed's more comfortable than yours. It might do you some good."

"Of course, Commander", Kaidan answered, although he would have preferred to leave – but that would convey a lot of wrong things. He did not want to mess things up any more than they were now all of a sudden.

He hardly slept at all that night and if he interpreted the sound of Shepard breathing correctly, neither did the commander. Joker woke them the next morning: "Bridge to Commander Shepard. We're twenty minutes from the Mu Relay."

Shepard jumped out of bed. "Get up, Kaidan. You and Liara are gonna come with me."

"Aye aye, Commander", Kaidan growled and crawled out of bed. And so they pretended that nothing had happened… he was almost able to convince himself that had they acted on the spur on the moment, it would have been a huge mistake.

It was not until much later that they finally talked about this uncomfortable night. A few days after Kaidan had actually dared to tell Shepard about his feelings, the commander had told him how much he regretted that he had not kissed Kaidan back then.

"We could've had ages", he had said.

"Water under the bridge, Shepard", Kaidan had replied. He did not believe in regretting things anymore. "You can't change what's in the past, but you can change the future. And we're doing good, aren't we?"

Present day.

Kaidan woke with a start when a wet, ice-cold hand started shaking him. It was Shepard, clearly drunk.

"What're you doing?", he asked.

"The barman put a lot of… stuff… into the… thing where stuff… goes in. Now I'm drunk."

"I can see that, but what do you want from me?"

"Tell you I love you, Kaidan, and tell you I don't like the idea that we're separating. I don't wanna lose you."

"Neither do I, but we're not separating."

"But this long-distance relationship… You have the Normandy and I'll get another ship. Once we can travel to Palaven, we'll go our own ways, won't we?"

"Yeah, we probably will."

"So I'm telling you we're not separating over the distance. I mean, if it doesn't work, we'll figure something out. I gave you up once before I nearly died. I won't do it again when there's no danger at all. You hear me? I'm not giving you up."

Kaidan smiled and hugged his husband. "I love you, too, John. We'll just be one of those spacer couples. And I want us to see my parents soon, alright?"

Shepard raised his eyebrows unhappily, but nodded eventually. Then he leaned forwards to kiss his husband, who pushed him back.

"Brush your teeth first", Kaidan said laughingly. No, separation was not an option even if they did not see each other for weeks. They had gone through too much to lose each other now. But still, Shepard stating the obvious like this – it made him happy.

Author's notes: This was fun to write. Why? Because of the flashback dialogue. Most of it is actual in-game dialogue from the first game (as if you hadn't noticed) that I've torn out of context.