Chapter 7 – Shepard

"I don't have what you do… that fire that makes someone willing to follow you into hell itself."

Present day.

The seasons had changed. Most experts agreed it had to do with the battle five years ago, although no one knew the exact reason. Scientists were still speculating whether the debris crashing into the planet or the Crucible firing had shifted the planet's axis.

By this time of the year it should have been much cooler in Vancouver, yet there he was, water around his ankles, taking a stroll on the beach with his husband. Shepard had been dying to get away from his parents-in-law for quite some time now… and the beach was actually nice.

Sure, Kaidan's mother was alright. Even though she asked about potential grandchildren much more often than he liked, she was nice to him in general. Kaidan's father, on the other hand… he disapproved of their relationship.

"He doesn't hate you. In fact, he thinks you're a great soldier and a great man. He just wished I'd go out with someone… less famous. He's afraid I'll go down in history as the Shepard's boy toy. The way he sees it your actions will forever overshadow whatever I'm going to do", Kaidan had explained a few weeks after their engagement.

"Does it bother you, too?", Shepard had wondered.

"Of course not. I knew who you were before I could look you up in history books. And I knew what I was getting into."

The weather, however unnatural, was perfect today. It was a surprise to see so few people roam the beaches, but then again Vancouver was not really as densely populated as he remembered anymore.

Shepard and Kaidan had been walking for hours and miles by now, but neither was tired – they were soldiers after all. It was not until Kaidan's omni-tool began flashing that he demanded a break and stepped out of the water. Shepard sighed in frustration and praised his past self for disabling forwarding messages to his omni-tool years ago – it was simply too distracting.

His husband gave him an apologetic look as he sat down on the dry, sun-warmed sand and started typing on the haptic interface that came up.

"This is vacation", Shepard explained and lay down. "That's what they call it when you don't work."

"I know, but just this one message", Kaidan said and knocked his fist onto the ground. A pale blue bubble appeared around them. "Better than sunscreen."

"And much less fun, too", Shepard added and closed his eyes His husband soon finished typing, gave him an "I'm sorry" kiss and lay down, as well. He was probably listening to some music.

Shepard himself preferred to listen to the sound of waves hitting the beach. There was something incomparably soothing about it and he could have lain here all day. He wished there was a way to calm Kaidan, too. The man had lost quite a bit of weight lately.

Of course, Shepard was worried, too, but he had recognised there was nothing more he could do except stand in the way. It was up to the people on Jump Zero to make it work and he had to put his trust in them.

In eight days the Council would announce the final time and date for the activation of the Pluto Relay. About two weeks later, they would then either have connection to the Trebia System or might as well abandon all hope. Unlike Kaidan, he refused to despair over any kind of worst-case scenarios before that happened.

Kaidan had organised first row seats for the activation; the Normandy would be one of two hundred ships in Eris' orbit. They would stay close for two or three days until the engineers had made sure the passage was safe – and then…

"I can show you Palaven", Garrus had suggested a few weeks ago. "It might not be back to its original glory, but I've seen your homeworld – you should see mine."

If the Relay blew up during activation, however, there would be no need for Shepard to worry ever again.

The sun was already setting when they returned to the Alenko house Kaidan's mother had tried to make the usual nutritional paste more enjoyable and although she failed to succed like the rest of humanity, it was a good dinner nevertheless. No uncomfortable silences for a change. Instead, Mr Alenko was telling the story of what he had done when he had been MIA five years ago. Everyone knew this story by heart by now, but they were a good audience: gasping at all the right places, laughing at the stupidest jokes and sighing in relief when he reached the happy ending.

The Normandy has a lot of room to spare, so I was thinking we could invite a few people", Kaidan began when his father returned from the kitchen with three bottles of beer. "For the activation, I mean. I did promise to show you space, didn't I?"

"It's been years since I last left Earth", Mr Alenko stated.

"It wouldn't be any trouble, would it?", Mrs Alenko wondered.

"Of course not."

Great, Shepard thought with a false smile. Not enough that he had to endure his parents-in-law every two months, now he could not even avoid them for days. He was not a family man, quite the contrary, he found it hard to depend on "family" ever since he had become an orphan on Mindoir. It was much easier to trust people he had chosen to be his friends rather than people who were close to him by pure chance. Kaidan, who had a huge family, found this attitude ridiculous.

"Is there anyone else you invited?", Shepard asked hours later when he and his husband had gone to bed.

"Many people, yeah. I've tried to invite Jack, for example, but she wouldn't leave her students alone even for a few days. Jacob can't come because of his kids, but Ken and Gabby have found a babysitter. And Miranda'll be there."

"You invited my in-laws and my ex-girlfriend. There's definitely something evil in you, Major."

"You can always escape to the engine room", Kaidan laughed. "I'll come with you if you want."

"EDI's a blabbermouth, you know that. And I don't think your father needs to know about whatever might or might not have happened in the engine room."

Shepard kissed Kaidan goodnight, but he tried to put something else into this kiss, as well. The way his husband and Miranda seemed to get along was by no means natural – especially considering how he had gotten close to her in the first place.

Six years ago.

"I've had enough of this colony", Shepard spat out and sighed. Trying to save this colony – failing to save them all – seeing Kaidan with that look on his face – he had no desire to be on this planet's surface for a second too long. He kept silent on the Kodiak back to the Normandy, even though Garrus and Miranda were giving him troubled looks.

They knew what was bothering him. Garrus had been there on the original Normandy and had seen and heard it all. He knew Kaidan and he knew – or suspected enough – about his relationship to Shepard to understand. And Miranda… she had probably read a file or read his mind while they had been reconstructing him.

After the debriefing he had retreaded to his cabin to think about what had just happened. He had felt something for that man and the first thing out of his mouth were false accusations. The first time they met after two years and accusations…!

Cerberus had put various pictures of his old crew into his cabin to give it a personal touch. Shepard had never really looked at these pictures, they were a reminder of his death. But smashing Kaidan's picture from turning it upside down was satisfying enough.

Yes, Shepard wanted to be angry. It was a much easier sentiment than being upset. Hell, Kaidan had not even let him explain how he was not working for Cerberus, but merely had one common interest with them.

But then again, who was he kidding? The only ones he trusted on this new ship were Garrus, Joker and Dr Chakwas. Everyone else was either a new acquaintance or a member of Cerberus; he had put too much effort and time into destroying these terrorists… he had not forgotten Akuze, either. So he could tell others he was using Cerberus to stop the Collectors, but he could not fool himself – the Illusive Man was using him like a tool.

"Shepard, I need to talk to you", Miranda announced a few days later. They had just left the Citadel where Shepard had confronted Anderson about Kaidan's mission. "Come see me in my office."

"Tell me what's on your mind", Shepard asked. And then she had proceeded to tell him about her father and her sister. It was not what he had expected, far from it: This woman he trusted less than any non-biotic could throw her had something she cared about other than Cerberus and its goals.

So they travelled to Ilium in the company of Tali (someone else he could trust because he still waited for Miranda to stab him in the back) and she told him about her childhood friend Niket.

"How do we know we can trust Niket?", he asked in the shuttle.

"He's one of my oldest friends. I guess you could say he was my only real friend."

"Sometimes it's one of your closest friends who betray you." Both Miranda and Tali stared at him for these words, but Shepard continued: "Is there a chance your father could be using Niket to get to you?"

"I'm sure he's tried, but Niket's one of the few people who understands what my father's really like. I trusted him with my life when I ran from my father, Shepard, he won't betray me now."

"Don't count on it", Shepard said coolly.

And sure enough, when they worked their way to rescue Oriana there were more than just a few hints that Niket actually had betrayed Miranda. He almost felt sorry for her, but she insisted her friend was still on her side. Until they eventually met him and caught him in the act of betraying Miranda – she was heartbroken.

"You sold me out!", she said and drew her pistol.

"There's no one around. We can end this here and now", Shepard suggested and Tali gasped in shock.

Miranda shook her head. "I need some answers first." And then, Niket told them how and why he had betrayed her. Surprisingly enough, money had played only a small role – or so he said. She pointed the pistol straight to his heart, her hands shaking. But when she was about to pull the trigger, Tali intervened and grabbed her arm.

"You don't want to do this", she said fiercely.

"This has to end here. My father will keep trying to find Oriana", Miranda insisted, but lowered her hand.

"Maybe he can help. Tell your father you got here first", Shepard thought out aloud.

"I'll tell him you hid her. And I don't know where she is", Niket agreed in a panic

"I never want to see you again."

It was all Miranda could say before Niket was killed by the Eclipse mercenary he was with. A short fight followed in which Miranda pretty much single-handedly blew the Asari apart.

"I can't believe Niket sold me out", Miranda sighed afterwards. "I didn't even see it coming."

"Everyone makes mistakes."

"That I won't repeat. I let it get personal. I screwed up. I don't get attached to people, Shepard, and now you see why."

"So you toss aside everything you care about just to be safe?", he wondered.

"That's not healthy", Tali agreed. For some reason, she seemed extraordinarily annoyed.

"No, it's okay. My father hurt me, but he didn't break me. As much as he tried to turn me into exactly what he wanted – I'm my own person."

That evening, Tali visited Shepard in his cabin and gave him a hearty slap across his face.

"Who was that down on Ilium? That's not the man I remember. Since when do you let people kill their friends? Whatever Kaidan's done to you, get over it. You've never been a cruel man and you shouldn't become one now."

She left without another word and without waiting for a reply. He was pretty taken aback – but she was right. He had not been the same since Horizon and he knew why. Kaidan had truly moved past him and it hurt worse than he was willing to admit. But there were a few people on his ship who knew betrayal… and one in particularly whom he saw in a new light.

Miranda's smiles came easier now and she was positively beaming every time their eyes met. She was readily talking to him about all kinds of things – even admitting that some parts of Cerberus might have done something wrong. One evening, they shared dinner in her quarters and he asked her why she was with Cerberus.

"They give me resources. They never tell me something's impossible. They give me resources and say: 'Do it.' Look at the Lazarus Project. No one else could have done it. And they have given you even more. A ship, a crew, a new life…"

"And you."

She blushed. "You'd have done fine without me. I didn't really believe it before… but I don't have what you do… that fire that makes someone willing to follow you into hell itself."

A shiver went through Shepard's spine: No one had ever said something quite like this. Words she had said without thinking too much about them… unpractised words. It was that moment in which he fell in love. He kissed her that night; he had learned the hard way that waiting for the right moment could mean it might never come at all.

For a few weeks, it was perfection. The fact alone that she took him to the engine room – damn, that was a memory he would cherish forever. When they wiped out the Collectors, he had felt so good. He had actually thought for a moment that she – Miranda Lawson – was the so-called one. His soul mate. And then he had travelled to the Bahak system to do Hackett a favour and things had gone to hell.

He had to return to Earth for a hearing and there was a good chance he would have to stay for a while. The Batarians were openly discussing war.

"I'm sorry, Shepard, but I can't come with you. I was with Cerberus for too long. I can't risk it", she said before they parted. "It'll probably be impossible to keep in touch."

"I'm sorry. I wish I didn't have to go."

"No, you're not. You think it's your responsibility what happened to the Alpha relay. But promise me you won't forget me."

"I won't, Miranda, how could I?"

The six months he spent on Earth were the dullest time of his life. Sure, James Vega was somewhat entertaining, he was not trying to make new friends, he wanted to warn people about the Reapers. As usual he was largely ignored until it was too late. And to make matters even worse that was when he met Kaidan again.

Damn those feelings that had never really gone away! Fighting alongside him on Mars was almost too good to be true (save for the horror of Cerberus's actions and the invasion of Earth), even after nearly three years apart they still complemented each other on the battlefield.

Liara, of course, was not stupid. She noticed the meaningful looks the men gave each other. "So, what about Miss Lawson?", she asked in low voice.

"What about her?", he brushed her off. Truth was he had no idea; his brain was not able to process his feelings, at least not in the middle of a fight. Maybe later, when he had convinced the Council to help and he had had time to have a private talk with Kaidan. To sort things out.

Nothing ever went as planned, however.

Months later, he would have no real explanations for a heart-broken Miranda. He would apologise and she would say it was okay. They would not meet each other again until that horror movie of a mission on Horizon. Of all places!

"I've had enough of this place", he would say while Kaidan and Garrus tended to her wounds.

After things had calmed down a little following the battle on Earth, he met her again and she said: "I'm not angry, John. We both knew it'd be hard to be separated and it didn't work out in the end. It obviously wasn't meant to be. But we had a good time, so we might keep some good memories."

They both grinned at that. At the same time, Shepard was conflicted. Every time he visited the engine room it reminded him of that night before they had travelled trough the Omega relay. Kaidan had no idea… and he was not sure he wanted to tell him.

He did not have to in the end. EDI mentioned it to him one morning and Shepard was surprised to see Kaidan laugh out loud. Did this story bother him? Not in the least, it seemed. It was not until one night when most of the crew was out on a trip that he wanted to talk about it.

And sure enough, he wanted to talk about it in the engine room.

"You know, I think you need some new memories for this place", he said, grinned and Shepard understood immediately.

"Yes", he agreed. "I definitely do. And might I add: Lots of them, too."

This chapter has taken way too long. But university's kinda a big deal, too, so you know… especially when my lessons are interesting. That's somewhat unusual *g*

I didn't want to write much about Miranda. To me, she was the most interesting new character in ME2, so Shepard ended up romancing her. He couldn't resist going back to Kaidan in ME3, though. Anyways, not too much about her because this is a story about mShep and Kaidan.

Next chapter will be the last and I hope it'll be finished faster :-(