Disclaimer: Don't own Merlin. I wish!
Author's note:
A big thanks again to those who reviewed and favorited the story. You made my day! And please do me a favor, and tell me if I'm getting the characterizations right. That's my biggest concern :S. (Especially Gwaine, cause I love him!)
Warnings: Character death (not Merlin or Arthur), more angst
Take a breath,
I pull myself together;
Just another step till I reach the door
You'll never know the way it tears me up inside to see you
I wish that I could tell you something
To take it all away…
Sometimes I wish I could save you,
And there're so many things that I want you to know…
I won't give up till it's over;
If it takes you forever I want you to know…
-Save you
Simple Plan
You rip yourself away from Gwaine's embrace, smile up at him wobbly and before he can stop you, you rush out. The door swings shut gently behind you and you stand there for a moment and take a deep breath. Your magic is churning, rushing along your extremities and coalescing in your fingertips and for a moment, you think to let it out. But then reality intrudes and you collect it all back inside you where it hums gently, warming you up from the inside. Still, it's of no use to ease the ever-present ache in your heart- deep and twisting and oh-so-agonizing. You let out a shuddering breath and then turn towards the gates leading out- out of Camelot and far, far away from Arthur.
You think you probably should tell someone you won't be coming back for a while, but all the people who actually matter (Arthur and Gwen) are the ones you are fleeing from and Gaius-
Oh God.
Gaius.
You choke back a sob threatening to rip out, and muffle your mouth in your sleeve. Gaius- wise, gentle, sweet Gaius, your surrogate father (the only father you ever had the chance to know) is dead. Whatever part of your heart not crushed by Arthur, splinters and shatters further because the one man in the entire world who you always looked up to, and who you knew always had your back, no matter what, is dead. If you meet Morgana now, you know that you will kill her without any hesitation. Gaius died because of her; he died in a fucking goddamn dungeon because the bitch couldn't be bothered to feed him.
You ball up your fists and blink back furious tears, dimly amazed that you still have some left (that your tear-ducts still continue to function when you are already broken inside.)
No, there really was no one left for you in Camelot (Gwaine didn't count, since you just told him).
Straightening up to your full height you start to walk. You don't look back, just keep on walking and walking, the only thought in your mind to get far, far away from here. You walk until your magic fizzes and breaks you out of the trance you had fallen into and realize your feet had unwittingly led you to the same clearing where you always summoned Kilgarrah. But you can't summon him now. You won't (can't) let the Great Dragon see you in such a state- you revere him too much to allow that.
Finally you let your magic out of the tenuous hold you have on it, and sigh deeply as it runs –flows- happily out of you and surrounds you in a warm golden cocoon. A faint smile touches your lips briefly at the warmth of the pseudo-embrace; before the golden glow reminds you of the way sunlight glints off Arthur's spun-gold hair and you suppress a sob, and bring up your fist to smother the cry. But it seems as if a dam has burst and you let the anguish and pain wash over you as you bawl your sorrows out to the dark night sky. You scream and rail and beat the ground with your fists at the bloody unfairness of it all and slowly sink down till your forehead touches the ground. The tears have started to flow, but you don't even realize it, as you sob and cry and let out all the pain which you had been holding back for so, so long out. You let it envelop you (just as your magic had done moments ago, but such contrasting emotions they were) and you curl up into yourself, and bring your knees to your chest as if to ward off some of the pain. But the pain never leaves, and helplessly, you cry yourself to sleep (the one place where Arthur will ever look at you in a way which's more than that of a friend or servant).