I finished the last of my major tests last week and have settled practically all of the time-consuming matters that were annihilating my free time, so I now have much more time to write and relax. I am still trying very hard with Feathered Mask. Thank you all for your outstanding patience and understanding!
This chapter takes place during Kakashi's stay at Karasu's house after Rin's death.
Word Count: 3,773
Theme/Challenge: Debt
Summary: Kakashi's desire to continue living with Karasu struggles with his guilt about her deteriorating condition.
"Tadaima." Karasu's voice echoed faintly, barely audible above the sizzling of the vegetables that I was stir-frying.
"Okairi," I called, glancing over my shoulder before turning back to the stove.
"Oh." Karasu peered over my right arm, her pale lips parted in a soft circle and her eyes, normally dull with exhaustion, bright in her wan face. "That looks good."
"Thanks." The faint smile that I cast her faded as I saw the white bandage on her cheek. "What happened?"
"Huh? Oh, this?" Karasu touched the bandage with scarred, trembling fingers; my stomach lurched painfully. "It's nothing, just a small scratch. I got really sleepy all of a sudden and didn't pay attention, that's all."
"I'm sorry," I rasped after a long pause, my throat tight. Her eyes widening, Karasu frantically shook her head.
"Kakashi, no, I didn't... I didn't mean it like that! I'm not blaming you." She squeezed my elbow, her voice softening. "I'm happy to listen to you whenever you need me to. Really, I am."
"T-thanks." Averting my eye from her unbearably sincere gaze, I swallowed. Last night, after rescuing me from a suffocating nightmare about Rin being crushed by a boulder, Karasu had quietly sat next to me and had held my hand until I had finally fallen asleep, the weak rays of the rising sun tinting her wan face a watery yellow. When I'd woken up several hours later, the only signs left of her were a covered, steaming bowl of rice on the kitchen table and a note telling me that she probably wouldn't be back from her missions until dinnertime. My stomach had twisted so painfully when I'd read the note that I'd barely been able to choke down a couple mouthfuls of rice.
Wetting my lips, I cleared my throat. "Do you want to, um, go sit down and take a break or something? I'll finish cooking in a couple minutes."
"Okay." Touching my elbow, Karasu turned and began to walk out of the kitchen. "Thank you."
"No problem. I'll call you when dinner's ready." I turned back to the stove and stirred the vegetables vigorously, trying to ignore how Karasu's right leg dragged against the floor with each step.
When the vegetables were done, I scraped them into a shallow dish and placed them next to the other steaming dishes already on the kitchen table, snagging two empty bowls as I dumped the pan in the sink. Piling fluffy rice into the bowls, I carefully set them on opposite ends of the low table and balanced a pair of chopsticks across each one.
"Karasu, dinner's ready!" I called, pouring two glasses of water and setting them next to the plates. No response. "Karasu?"
Padding softly to the living room, I fell silent. Karasu was sprawled on the couch, her head lolling on her left shoulder and her pale lips parted in soft, even breaths. I silently sank into a squatting position in front of her and gently brushed a stray lock of hair behind her ear, pain ripping through my throat and chest as I studied how hollow her cheeks had become.
She hadn't even taken off her jounin vest.
Placing my hand on her shoulder, I shook her gently, my throat tight. "Karasu, wake up."
"Hm?" Karasu mumbled, her eyes fluttering open.
"Dinner's ready."
"Oh. Tha… th-thank you." Stifling a yawn, Karasu took the hand that I offered her, let me pull her up, and followed me into the kitchen.
"Wow, this looks really good."
"Don't sound so surprised. I can cook." I offered her a zabuton; accepting the cushion with a small nod, Karasu gingerly eased herself onto her knees, wincing as her calf bumped against the table.
"Are your legs okay?"
"Y-yeah. I'm fine. They're just a bit sore from running around all day." Picking up her chopsticks, she inclined her head. "Itadakimasu."
"Itadakimasu," I repeated in a low murmur after a brief pause. After Karasu took a few pieces of vegetables and meat, she cast me a faint smile before lowering her gaze and beginning to eat with her eyes focused on the tabletop. I hesitated before slowly pulling down my mask and picking up my bowl. We ate wordlessly, the light clatter of wooden chopsticks against porcelain echoing in the silence. I snuck glances at Karasu between bites; she chewed slowly, her eyes downcast and her scarred fingers trembling as she occasionally reached for another piece of vegetables or meat.
"Have some fish." Picking up a piece of tuna, I reached across the table and carefully placed it in her bowl. Karasu's eyes darted in the direction of my water glass before dropping back down to her bowl with a murmur of gratitude.
"Are you sure you don't want to stay another night?" I shook my head before I realized that she was carefully averting her gaze from my exposed face.
"No, thank you," I rasped after swallowing a mouthful of rice. "I've stayed here long enough. I really should get going."
"Oh, but..." Hesitating, Karasu set down her bowl and began twisting her fingers together. "I was, um, kind of hoping to celebrate your birthday with you tomorrow... if that's okay with you," she added hastily.
Crap. She'd remembered. Squeezing my eye shut as I cursed silently, I placed my bowl on the table and pulled up my mask, swallowing as I tried to figure out the best way to stop her from sacrificing anything else for me.
"Of course I'd like to celebrate my birthday with you. It's just that, um, you've already done so much for me; you don't have to do anything for my birthday."
"But it's your birthday," Karasu said after a slight pause, her voice rising in disbelief.
"Yeah, but it's not really that big of a deal. Don't worry about it."
"Don't worry about it? Kakashi, you always do something for my birthday." Cocking one eyebrow, Karasu leaned towards me, her elbows crossed on the table. "You obviously think my birthday is important enough to celebrate. Why don't you think yours is?"
"Well, it's just... um... well, don't you have missions tomorrow? You'll be busy the whole day, won't you? I don't want to have you do something for me when you're tired from doing missions the whole day."
"Genma told me that the other jounin were planning to take you out tomorrow night to a bar or something. I don't really want to go." Karasu slowly traced circular patterns on the tabletop, her forehead wrinkling in a faint frown. "So I asked Tsunade to give me missions in the afternoon so I'd be free to celebrate with you in the morning."
"Oh." Twisting my fingers around a chopstick, I frantically tried to think of another excuse; it was almost impossible to concentrate with her staring at me so intently. "Um…well, er…"
"Kakashi," she said quietly after a long pause.
"Y-yeah?"
"What's bothering you?"
"I-it's just… well, it's just…" Exhaling loudly, I buried my fingers in my hair, my spine sagging and my eye locked on the table surface. "It's just that you've already done so much for me. More than enough. And I can't…I don't... I just feel too guilty about having you do even more stuff for me. "
"It's okay. Really, it is. I don't mind doing whatever I can to help you."
"No, it's not. It's not okay. I've already hurt you so much. I don't want to keep doing this to you. I… I can't keep doing this to you." Briefly squeezing my eye shut, I slowly raised my gaze to meet hers. "I'm sorry. I can't keep staying here if it means that I keep hurting you."
"I understand," she murmured after a long pause, her eyes crinkling in a faint, sad smile. "But could you please stay just one more night? I just want to make sure that you're perfectly okay, especially after… especially after what happened last night. Please."
"Fine. Just tonight. That's it," I mumbled after several long, silent minutes, fighting down a suffocating wave of guilt.
"Thank you."
"Hn." Hurriedly averting my gaze from her soft smile, I bit the inside of my cheek and swallowed. "Are… are you finished eating?"
"Yeah, I am." She placed her hands against the table and slowly pushed herself upright. "I'll clean up."
"I can take care of the dishes. Go take a shower and get some sleep." Gently but firmly taking the dishes from Karasu's hands, I dumped them into the sink and rolled up my sleeves.
"R-really? Are… are you sure?"
"Yeah, don't worry about it." I squirted detergent onto a wet sponge and began scrubbing the dishes, trying to ignore her gaze as her dark eyes studied my face. "Go on."
"Thank you." Grunting in response to her soft murmur, I watched her out of the corner of my eye as she placed the dishrag on the counter and limped out of the kitchen; minutes later, I heard the soft hiss of running water echoing in the bathroom. Releasing a breath that I hadn't realized I'd been holding, I set the dishes down and closed my eye, my shoulders sagging.
I hadn't meant to wake Karasu up with my screams last night. I knew how dangerously close she was to shattering from mental and physical exhaustion. I'd been paying her bills for the last two months, and I'd forced myself to stop hitting her three weeks ago, but her bruises weren't fading. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't seem to stop hurting her. Tempting though it was to succumb to Karasu's pleas and to my parasitic yearning for the safety, warmth, and comfort of her home, I knew that, if I wanted to protect my closest friend, I had to get away from her. Immediately.
Drying off the last of the dishes, I slowly bent over to wipe the table, wincing as heat pulsed through the cut on my thigh. I'd cleaned and wrapped the wound as best as I could after returning home, but I would have to check it again after Karasu fell asleep.
"Kakashi." I looked up; Karasu had taken off her sweater and was wearing a T-shirt that hung off her frail frame, her damp hair framing her thin, pale face. I tried not to stare at the sickly yellow and purple bruises mottling her bony arms. "I'm done with the bathroom. You can go take a shower; I'll finish cleaning up here."
"No, it's fine. I'm almost done." I'd already taken a shower this afternoon after returning home from the missions that I'd secretly completed; I hadn't wanted Karasu to smell the tell-tale scents of sweat, blood, and dirt.
"Oh… um…Okay. W-well, I'm going to sleep now."
"Okay. I'll turn off the lights in a couple minutes. Good night."
"Good night." Returning my smile, Karasu rubbed her wrists, her elbows sharply jutting out from her sides as she pressed her hands against her stomach. "A-and, Kakashi?"
"Hm?"
"Thank you for cooking and cleaning and... and everything else you've done these past weeks. It really helps a lot. Thank you so much."
"My pleasure." I crinkled my eye at her; my knuckles turned white as my grip on the dishrag tightened. "Sleep tight, okay?"
"Okay. Thank you." Flashing me another weak smile, Karasu left the kitchen. As soon as her ponytail melted into the shadows, I dropped my gaze and my smile, my mouth twisting into a grimace at the bitter irony of it all.
She shouldn't have been the one thanking me. There was no reason for her to thank me. I was the one who should've been thanking her. She had been taking care of me for almost three months, nurturing me, protecting me, healing me, doing everything possible to ensure my physical and emotional stability without thinking even a second about the price of her own health. The debt that I owed her was so indescribably, astronomically high that I could hardly bear to call myself her friend.
Giving the table one last wipe, I slowly straightened, turned off the lights, and left the kitchen, pausing by the couch where Karasu was already asleep, her deep, even breaths echoing faintly in the darkness. I briefly debated carrying her back to her bedroom so she could sleep in her own bed instead of on the narrow couch; she was so exhausted that, if I was careful enough, I could probably pull it off without waking her up.
The last time I'd tried to move her, though, she'd woken almost immediately and had struggled so powerfully that I'd been forced to set her down or else risk dropping her. She'd then braced herself against the doorframe, her eyelids drooping and her frail body shuddering powerfully as she'd struggled to remain upright. I'd begged, cajoled, even threatened her, but she'd stubbornly refused to move until, almost an hour later, I'd been forced to give up and had helped her stagger back to the couch, where she'd collapsed in a limp, broken heap until she'd left to complete missions early the next morning. Ever since then, I'd tossed and turned guiltily in Karasu's bed but hadn't dared to try to get her to sleep in her own room, fearful of further jeopardizing the precious few hours of rest that she was able to scavenge.
Exhaling softly, I made sure that the blanket was drawn up to her chin, completely covering her curled body, before making my way to the bathroom. I quietly closed the door behind me, careful to make sure that the edge of the door was securely tucked against the doorframe, before turning on the lights and gingerly rolling up my pant leg so I could examine the wound on my thigh.
The bandages were still fairly clean, but, to be safe and to make sure that blood wouldn't leak through and noticeably stain my pants, I changed the bandages, wincing as I reapplied the dressing and wrapped several layers of thick, heavy cloth around my thigh. Carefully easing my weight back onto my right foot, I quietly brushed my teeth, slipped into Karasu's room, and began to pack my belongings so I could leave as soon as possible the next morning.
"Do you have everything?"
"Yeah, I think so." As I twisted to rummage through my pack, a flash of red caught my eye. Glancing to the left, I did a double-take; Karasu was holding out a cylindrical package that she must have been hiding behind her back. When my slowly widening eye met Karasu's gaze, her eyes crinkled.
"Happy birthday," she said softly, her lips faintly curved in a shy smile. Swallowing, I shook my head and took a step back.
"N-no. No, I can't." My stomach lurched as I watched her dimples fade and the warmth drain out of her eyes to be replaced by shock, confusion, and bewilderment.
"W-what?"
"I can't accept this. I... I mean, thank you for… for being so considerate, but you've already done enough for me. You shouldn't have gotten me a present."
"Why not? It's your birthday. I just want to give you a birthday present." The crease between her brows deepening, Karasu stepped forward and tried to force the package into my hand. I easily side-stepped her, grabbing her slender wrist and slowly peeling back the sleeve of her sweater to expose the countless dark purple-yellow bruises on her bony arm. Swallowing as I was confronted by the evidence of my disgusting weakness, I couldn't force myself to meet her eyes; I locked my gaze on her throat instead.
"You've already given me more than enough," I mumbled after a long pause. She remained silent, her chest rising and falling gently with each breath.
"I'm sorry." The words suddenly tumbled out of my mouth in a broken whisper. "I'm sorry for everything."
"Kakashi…" Her voice was too kind, too soft; suddenly afraid, I squeezed my eye shut and forced myself to keep talking, all the words that I'd wanted to tell my closest friend but didn't how to rushing out of my mouth in a clumsy torrent of guilt.
"I'm sorry for hitting you. I'm sorry for yelling at you. I'm sorry for making you have to work all day and stay up with me all night and… and deal with all my crap and-"
"Kakashi." She spoke quietly, firmly. Trying to ignore her, I forged on.
"I shouldn't have hit you or… or yelled at you or abused you like that, and what I did was completely unforgiveable, and… and I-"
"Kakashi."
"I-I'll understand if you never forgive me or… or if you're mad at me and never want to see me again. I'll do anything to make it up to you, I'll do whatever you w-"
"Hatake Kakashi." Flinching, I clamped my mouth shut and swallowed, listening to my ragged breaths and resisting the urge to open my eye and meet her gaze. After several seconds, she spoke again.
"Kakashi, look at me." I remained motionless, my fists trembling at my sides. Sighing softly, she wrapped her fingers around my wrist; I recoiled from her gentle touch. "Please, Kakashi."
After a long pause, I swallowed and slowly cracked my eye open. Karasu's dark eyes were clear and bright, her piercing gaze burning with an intense energy that I hadn't seen in months.
"Look. I'm not angry at you. I'm not blaming you for anything. And I don't regret letting you do what you had to do to in order to cope with Rin's death. I did what I did because I knew how much you loved Rin and because I knew that you were going to blame yourself for Rin's death the same way you always blame yourself whenever something bad happens to anybody you know. It always gets way too out of hand, and you end up not being able to function normally, and… and I was scared to imagine what you would do to yourself this time. So I did what I did because you're my best friend and I care very deeply for you. And I did it gladly." Karasu's gaze hardened. "I didn't do all this for you just so you would start feeling guilty again. So don't go blaming yourself for what happened to Rin and what happened here, hear me? You aren't responsible for Rin's death, and you aren't responsible for what happened here. Understand?"
I didn't respond. I couldn't respond. Karasu was trying to offer me a way out, trying to take the blame on herself, trying to give me freedom in the same way that she had given me her physical and emotional health, but I couldn't accept it. I couldn't let her take the burden for me anymore. I had to pay for the way I'd abused her, suffer for my weakness and disgusting selfishness and-
"Understand?" Karasu's nails dug into my wrist, her eyes glittering fiercely as they bored steadily into mine. Swallowing, I hesitated before slowly nodding, forcing myself to meet her unwavering gaze. Her eyes swiveled slightly as they scrutinized my covered face; I wet my lips, praying that she wouldn't see my lie.
After a long pause, her gaze suddenly softened; stepping forward, Karasu hesitated, her cheeks flushing pink, before rising on her tiptoes and wrapping her bony arms securely around my shoulders.
My spine stiffened. My mother had died when I was very young, so I couldn't remember if she'd ever hugged or kissed me. My father hadn't been one for touching or cuddling, and our occasional playful roughhousing had quickly ended after my mother's death. It wasn't until I'd started dating Rin that I'd understood that intimate physical contact could mean more than a form of release, more than a way to extract information, more than a cover for an assassination attempt. But Rin had never touched me like this, had never hugged me in the way Karasu was hugging me, like… like a mother.
Swallowing, I hesitated, trying to figure out what to do with my hands before awkwardly wrapping them around her waist. When she didn't pull away, I squeezed gently, gradually tightening my grip until I was clutching onto my one source of unconditional love and security with every ounce of force that I could muster. I pressed my face against the crook of her neck, clamping my eye shut as her comforting warmth seeped into my temple.
Her stifled whimper of pain vibrated against my cheek; too late, I remembered the thick coat of bruises that mottled her arms and, undoubtedly, her torso.
"Sorry," I mumbled, immediately loosening my grip on her as I furiously swore at my stupidity and incompetence.
"N-no, it's okay." Pausing, she swallowed. "Promise me something."
"Yeah?"
"If you need any help, if you need someone to talk to, if you need anything at all, promise me you'll come back here. Promise me." When I didn't respond, her fingers dug painfully into my shoulder bones. "Promise me."
"I… I promise." I wet my lips and thanked the gods that her face was buried against my shoulder; I didn't know if I could have masked the overwhelming burden of my second lie from her piercing eyes. I wouldn't let myself come back here to ask Karasu to sacrifice anything else for me; I couldn't, not if I wanted to keep her alive. I would get over Rin's death, and I would do it on my own. I would do whatever it took to start functioning normally again simply because I was too terrified to imagine what Karasu would do if she found out otherwise.
"Good." Karasu loosened her grip; reluctantly, I let go of her and stepped back, unable to meet her eyes.
"I… I guess I'd better get going," I mumbled after a long pause, my voice thick; I cleared my throat.
"Yeah." Karasu stooped to pick up the cylindrical package from the floor and extended it towards me once more. When I opened my mouth to protest, she smiled faintly, the corners of her eyes curving slightly upwards. "Please."
Hesitatingly meeting her gaze, I swallowed and carefully took the package with a trembling hand.
"T-thank you."
"Mm. Take care, okay? And come by to say hello sometime."
"I… I will." I made to open the door but then turned back towards Karasu, my hand resting on the doorknob. "Karasu, thank you. Thank you for everything."
"It was the least I could do." Forcing myself to return Karasu's smile, I opened the door and hesitated before stepping over the threshold.
Were you able to grasp the full complexity of Kakashi's emotions and his internal struggle? Do you feel that there any emotions or concepts that could have been further explored, developed, or refined? Alternatively, were there any sections that you felt were overdone or unnecessary? Do you feel Karasu stayed in character?
Thank you very much for reading. I truly appreciate constructive criticism and all other forms of feedback.
Tadaima - I'm home
Okairi - Welcome back