Mirror Mirror On The Wall
Ranger. Joe Morelli, now shaking with indignity, rage and fear, almost numbly thinks. The crazy loose cannon. The reckless ruthless cold-blooded calculating mercenary. The tall dark handsome and rich but dangerous man who looks just as smooth and sleek as all those expensive sexy German cars and always reminds him of jaguars, leopards and black panthers. The mysterious man who remains an enigma wrapped inside a riddle and somehow managed to take Stephanie's love away from him and steal her heart. Is Ranger the one who set this trap? Is Ranger behind all this? Is Ranger related to this cat? Is Ranger a normal person? Is Ranger even human? And Oh my God, does Stephanie realize what kind of creature she has just married?
"Kudos, Detective, you do know how to ask all the wrong kinds of questions." The cat gives a soft low laugh, interrupting Morelli's wild, paranoid train of thought, fixes his suddenly brighter and deeper eyes on the gaping hamster and quietly continues. "Maybe you should start asking yourself more pressing and important questions. Do you really know what love truly is? Why is some love so cheap? Why is some love so weak? Why is some love just an excuse? Why is some love worse than a lie? Doesn't love mean respect, understanding and trust? Doesn't love mean accepting and loving her as she is? Doesn't love mean wanting her to be happy? Doesn't love mean wanting whatever is best for her? Doesn't love mean wanting to give her whatever she needs? Doesn't love mean wanting to protect her, to save her, to help her out? Doesn't love mean wanting to see her become better, smarter and stronger? Doesn't love mean wanting her to be safe, to be free, to be capable, to be independent, to be confident, to be able to stand on her own and go after her dreams? Do you really know who Stephanie is? Do you really know what she wants? Do you really know what she needs? Do you really want to share a life with her? Do you really love her as who she is? Did you ever step up the plate and prove your love? Have you ever once thought of stopping standing aside like an indifferent bystander while Ranger bled his blood and money to protect her and help her out?
"You never ever jumped at the opportunities to help her because you didn't want to bring your private life into work and thus taint your reputation as a professional and endanger your career. You never ever lent her your car because you treasured your car and you are never one to throw away money. You never ever took her to a gun range or checked if there were any bullets in her gun because you flat out didn't like the idea of her shooting people. You never ever signed her up for self-defense lessons because you didn't want her to use it on you someday. You never ever checked and helped charge her stun gun when she forgot. You knew all about her and Ranger all along but you chose to remain silent. Your words are always louder than your action because all you ever want from Stephanie Plum is nothing but hot steaming balls-to-the-wall gorilla sex. What kind of man will step away and allow another man to save the woman he loves if he really truly loves her?"
The cat then gives his tail a lazy playful twitch and graces a stunned and ashamed Joe Morelli with a full on 10000 Watt smile. "Nah, I'm not related to Carlos. We are way too different to be relatives. I'm too talkative."
He doesn't hear the alarmed cry. He doesn't feel the firm but gentle grasp of a giant human hand. He does, however, finally see those full, supple, beautifully shaped lips coming closer and closer toward his face but alas, it's too late. And thus Joe Morelli loses his first kiss, as a hamster, to Ranger's animal-loving second-in-command, Tank.
And nope, they are not meant for each other, I'm afraid.