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Chapter 4: The Elevator
Lanie gives the arm under her hand a gentle squeeze. Kate won't meet her gaze, keeps her attention riveted to the floor. Refuses to accept the help Lanie's been trying to give. She tries again to reach her friend. Beckett snap out of this zombie act. You're scaring me.
"Kate, let Ryan take you upstairs. Alexis and Martha are up there. You can wait together."
"He was saying goodbye. He thinks he's dying." Her voice is quiet. Matter of fact.
The desolation, the utter hopelessness of Kate's voice has Lanie tightening the bolts on her iron-clad heart to almost complete lockdown. Castle is so fond of his balance theory. Yin and Yang. But if Castle's story with Beckett ends here, then where was the joy to balance this level of torture? Is it worth this?
She sets her eyes on Kate's, holding her gaze for a moment. Was this what she was hiding from me by not calling? Does she think her shattered parts are going to scare me off?
"Kate Beckett, you are not seriously giving up hope when that man is upstairs fighting like hell right now?" Lanie puts enough outrage in her tone to physically shake Beckett, hoping she'll find her strength again. Beckett is always good in a fight and Lanie wants her in fighter mode.
"No, not me. Castle." Kate looks around as if she lost something. And then the ding of the elevators has her turning back. Ryan is suddenly there. He leans out and offers a hand to Beckett. And here is where Kate manages to find a thread of discipline she ruthlessly employs to bring herself under control. She begins the shuffle walk her bruised body has arranged for her. Lanie watches her, but doesn't offer support again. She can see Kate's using the pain to help reassemble the parts scattered around her. I don't want to find pieces of myself in a jumbled mess at my feet one day.
As Kate reaches Ryan and takes the hand he offers, Lanie steps to Kate's other side to provide support under her opposite arm. Ryan brings his other hand up to do the same for Beckett on his side. Kate grips their supporting arms, finally accepting help from her friends. She lets them hold her steady, hold her up, as she struggles to find a rhythm to her breathing and push down the fear and panic. She even lets her body sag for a moment, releasing the tension in her muscles and quieting the fire in her back, finding a moment of peace without pain to gather herself.
Lanie meets Ryan's eyes across Kate's bowed head. "She banged her head, too. Doc says she needs constant supervision for the next 24." She's distracted by the buzz of her phone. Javi.
"I got her, " Ryan assures as he steps in front of Beckett, taking her other arm from Lanie, and slowly backing into the elevator, letting Beckett walk at her pace but with his support. Lanie sees how he tries to keep the pain off his face. He's failing miserably, though. He leans in close to Kate's ear and whispers, "I'm so glad you're okay, boss."
"You have my partner to thank for that, Kevin." Kate says, glancing up at Ryan.
Lanie watches as Kate appears to gain strength from whatever she pulling out of Ryan's eyes and into herself. She's managed to push some of the pain away, stands straighter than before, and her breathing is under control. She turns back to Lanie, meets her eyes, rests a hand gently on her arm, squeezing softly.
"Castle reminded me I promised him to watch out for Alexis. If...if something ever happened to him." Kate struggles with her words a bit. Maybe she doesn't have complete control over her voice, but she's got it together enough to make it through a bit longer. Castle, you son of bitch, stabilize and wake-up.
"Go on up with Ryan." Lanie puts her own hand over Kate's on her arm and holds it tight against her for a moment. "I'll be there in a few with Javi. He just got here."
The text she'd just read from him had said, "I'm Here." Simple words, yet it's the most comforting thing she's heard from him in a long time. He's afraid to give her any serious words these days. A month or so back she made herself wait almost two weeks before coming to him. It's the one time he gave her a clue how he feels since she started this...whatever this is...with him a few months ago. Damn Irish and his wedding anyway.
She knows something has changed for Javier. Is changing for him. But she doesn't want to rush him, isn't sure if she's even ready for what it means. And yet his text had set her heart afire. Hope burning into a bright blaze, flickering against the iron fetters on her heart. I miss you. Will I see you soon?
Lanie turns from the elevators. She's sure puzzled looks flashed across Kate and Ryan's faces as the doors closed. She lost the thread of their existence when Javi intruded on her mind. And then he's not in her mind, but right in front of her, headed toward her. He picks up speed when he sees her. There's something in his face she's never seen before, but she won't give him a chance to pause in his forward motion, and she spins around to his direction as they reach each other. She gives in to her need to touch him by looping her arm through his and heads them back toward the elevator.
It's the elevator ride that's her undoing. She managed her cool exterior until his fingers brush at her back, his hand coming to rest there providing a gentle, warm support. She can't stop herself from leaning back into it, then turning toward him. They never even exchanged any words, but already found a comforting presence in each other. He never fails her in this. When she needs his strength, he gives it up freely. No matter when she asks it of him. No matter where. Why won't you give everything if you're willing to give this, Javi?
His arm sneaks further around her and now his hand is firmly on her hip, tugging her into him. She goes willingly, resting her head on his shoulder. His other hand reaches up to smooth down her hair, trail down her back. His voice whispers over her head. "She's okay. He'll be okay."
She's shaking her head against his chest. She knows he can feel the tension that shoots through her body. He's instantly pulling her closer, rubbing harder at her back. She looks up at him, letting him see her eyes, wanting to see his when she says, "It could have been you."
Her breath breaks as he pulls her impossibly closer, dips his head down to snag her lips, moving his whole body, so she's flush with him, lifting her up and against him, then pressing her back into the corner of the elevator, his lips and tongue taking their full measure of her mouth. His fingers kneading into her skin wherever he can reach and still support her. His voice is rough, gritting in her ear. "We cannot do this here."
"I didn't mean to...I just..." and then her lips are sinking to his neck and she bites and nibbles her way back to his mouth. "Alexis...and then Kate...Javi, I don't want to hurt like that."
He tenses, starts to pull away. They both usually pull their punches on that one. Neither one wanting to admit how deep this thing goes between them. She still can't believe he opens his door to her when she shows up randomly at his home. She still doesn't understand why she can't let him go when she knows she'll never fully have him. He doesn't want a long term commitment.
He reaches past her to press a few more buttons, then moves back to crowd her even further into the corner, his hands coming up to frame her face, thumbs rub softly over her cheeks. Eyes breaking open the doors she's closed deep inside. Don't look at me like that, Javi. Like you're finally here with me.
"Do you think they chose that? Even had a choice really? Do we Lanie? Do we have a choice?" And his lips crush down bruisingly on her own as his arms circle her once more and pull her tight against him. His hands resume their kneading here and digging in there wherever they roam.
Lanie hears the doors open and close several times, the ding echoing along with their gasps and moans. She gives a moment's thought to those left waiting on the other side of those doors, what they might have glimpsed before the doors closed again, but quickly loses those thoughts and cares of anything outside their little corner of the elevator. Javier's hands are fisting in her hair, bringing her impossibly close to him, pulling out of her every ounce of what she feels for him, like he needs to measure it against his own, find out if they've got enough space to contain it. A thought comes unbidden to her mind, she tries to shove it back down, forget she knows it, but it echoes in her mind, a counterpoint to their gasps and moans that resound in her ears. I love you. I love you.
The doors open once again and a jumble of noise filters through their fevered haze. They break apart, staring at each other. Javi smooths his thumb over her lips, wiping away the moisture he's left there, then he's grabbing her hand and pulling her off the elevator because Alexis is yelling. And is that? Kate. Oh, Kate. Ryan, Jenny, and Martha's voices clamor together into an unintelligible din mingling with the angry voice of Alexis. Her words must be tearing pieces out of Kate.