Chapter 7: Promises
Alexis snuggles deeper into the softness under her, but hears only muffled silence. No heartbeat. No comforting arms around her, stroking, soothing, massaging her back into blissful slumber. Kate. Where is Kate?
"Kate, there's more to this...
She struggles to open her eyes, lashes fluttering helplessly, lids heavy with too little sleep. That wasn't a heartbeat. That was a voice. Rough, like cloth dragged across sandpaper, getting stuck here and there, but still recognizable. Her father. Am I awake?
Alexis rides waves of confusion, failing to achieve full consciousness. Her Dad must be speaking to Kate. She hopes his voice is not the remnant of jumbled, disturbing dreams. She fights hard to shut down the waterfall of images streaming through her brain, unable to decipher between those of her troubled sleep and those of last night's horrors. I watched my father die...
The last vision Alexis had of Kate and her father together bubbles up in her swampy brain. She hears Kate's voice from last night, begging her father to just keep breathing. Oh, she loves him. Kate loves my Dad.
Alexis was standing outside her father's door, trying to open it and keep her grip on the bag of snacks, cup of coffee for Kate, and cup of tea for herself she carried. She lost that battle quick, her mind completely overrun by thoughts of the only man her and Grams have ever been able to count on. Oh, God...Dad...DAD!
The packaged snacks scattered and slid. The hot liquid exploded as the cups hit ground. Alexis, unaware, stumbled over the mess and into her father's room. She stopped short at the foot of his bed, transfixed by the vision before towered over her father, holding his face in her hands, pleading with him. Just keep breathing.
"...than just us."
The sound of her father's voice cuts off in a sharp intake of breath, ending in a tortured squeak she would find amusing, if it wasn't a knife slicing through her heart. Pain. It's pain taking his words away. Dad. ...daddy...
Her emotions threaten to tip her over into hysteria, a fast trip for her barely awake, sleep-deprived nervous system. As her father struggles to continue, she stops paying attention to how he is speaking. She hears only his words.
"More for you to know before you..."
Oh, he's definitely talking to Kate and he's confident and coherent. Her mental state is given a huge shift into calm sanity, but then something about what he is saying starts to nibble away at her peace. Not just his tone, but his words penetrate the fog that surrounds and drifts through her brain. Wait. What?
What the hell is Dad doing? He thinks NOW is the time to tell his muse about his extra-curricular activities? He almost died right in front of her eyes last night. Technically speaking, if she wants be accurate, he did die right in front of her. Several times. Oh, God. ...daddy...
She shudders, battling hard to bring herself fully awake. Flashes of the hours before take her strength away, plunge her back into the terror. DAD! Don't leave me. Don't you dare leave me! Da..da...daddy...oh, please...please...
She has never loved science more than when the doctors used those wonderful machines to bring back her father's heartbeat and maintain his breathing until he could do it for himself. Kate managed to hold all their breaking pieces together as they huddled together on the couch, waiting to see if their world was ending or starting to spin again. Kate...Kate...don't let go of us...
More of the night slips unbidden into Alexis' whirling thoughts. The way Kate pulled her away from her Dad when the doctors rushed in, held her so tight, never easing her hold the entire night. She hears her own voice begging Kate, "Don't let go. Please, just...don't let go."
She remembers Kate shushing her broken sobs and keeping the drowning at bay with her soft words. "I've got you, Alexis. Always. I've got you."
Why isn't Kate speaking? Alexis craves her unique voice, the fleeting accent, there yet not there. The steady rhythm, sure and calm through the worst of it. Her Dad, looking out for her always. He picked Kate for her. To watch over her. You knew she was the one, Dad. The one to have my back, if you weren't there.
"...before we dive into this."
Even though her Dad's voice is strained, breaking, and quietly intense, she loves the sound of it. His voice might be compromised, his body wracked with pain, but his words...yeah...he sounds okay. She begins to actually believe her father is going to be okay. He is going to be okay. DAD!
Alexis pulls herself to a sitting position, tries to shake the rest of her sleep haze off, but can't manage to rid her limbs of its clawing and aching. The haze sits like a cloud over her brain, but her voice finally starts working and her mental DAD! becomes a shocked scream piercing the eerily quiet room.
"Dad!"
Alexis comes barrelling across the floor toward her father, but Kate stops her, catching Alexis up in her arms. Their eyes lock together, then Kate pulls her into a hug, but the words Kate whispers in her ear are better than the strong arms surrounding her, "He's okay."
Alexis' quick mind, even sleep-deprived and overwrought, had already processed that from her Dad's voice. It's the impact of those words she's worried about. The impact on Kate. Alexis pulls back from the hug, and frantically searches the detective's eyes for the assurances it held last night. You promised. No walking away.
Instead of assurances she sees hurt and confusion. Maybe a touch of fear. Kate doesn't seem to be quite here in the moment, even though her quick reflexes just saved her Dad from a painful jarring. As much as Alexis wants to turn to her father, she continues to hold Kate's gaze, notices her stiff posture, her hands that have grabbed hold of Alexis' much too tight. What did he say Kate? What did he say?
Alexis looks down at Kate's hands covering her own, pinching and pressing into bone. Kate follows Alexis' gaze, staring at their joined hands a moment before loosening her hold, then stroking softly against the backs of Alexis' hands with her thumbs.
A mutual sigh escapes both their lips, then Kate looks back up at Alexis with a clear, yet determined look. Kate nods toward her father.
"Just go slow. Be gentle. He will be okay. Your Dad just needs time to heal."
Kate steps back away from the bed, looking at her father, and then that look returns to her eyes. Confusion. Distance. Hurt. Alexis watches as the back of Kate's legs hit the couch and she collapses down onto the pillows with a soft plop. What the hell did you say, Dad?
If only she'd woken sooner and knew exactly what her Dad told Kate. Her focus snaps back to her father. She turns away from the disarranged mess of Kate Beckett on the couch and back to her Dad on the bed. Now she is hesitant to touch him. She looks for permission from him first before laying a hand to his chest, just above his heart, revels in the rhythmic thumping that meets her seeking hand. Oh, your heart...your heart.
She holds her father's gaze and only sees him, no confusion clouds his eyes. He is whole and he is here with her. The rise and fall of his chest as he takes slow, even breaths, further reassures her. She sees the pain in his eyes, knows he's using his breathing to control it. Then her head follows her hand down to his chest and her Dad's left hand comes to hold her head against him. She hears his controlled breath go ragged and knows he's crying with her. You're alive...you're alive! ...daddy...
"Alexis, I'm okay, honey. I'm okay." She hears the surety in his words. And her sobs quiet. She lifts her head to meet his eyes, as his hand slides from cradling the back of her head to stroking her cheek. "The nurse was just here before you two woke up." and here her Dad pauses, looks past her to the couch, but his eyes are unfocused. He does not see Kate. He sees a memory.
Alexis glances over at the couch, sees Kate with her fingers pressed to her lips, confusion in her eyes, stress and worry covering her like a blanket. She needs sleep. More of it. Sleep. Oh, he saw us there asleep on the couch?
Alexis tries to stem another flood of memories from the night before, but fails. She turns back to her father and buries her head in his chest once more, her arms holding him as best she can without causing more pain.
She lets her broken sobs go once more, as her father's arms come around her again. She hears the sharp intake of her Dad's breath, the noise he makes and tries to cut off, muffle. She pulls back, but he won't let go. He continues to hold her tight against him, despite the pain she knows must be out of control.
He cannot quite get his breath to use his words they both know never fail to soothe her. Her father can't get his right arm around her, but his right hand grasps and strokes at her forearm, attempting to calm her in place of his words. Kate, please mend him. Make it right again.
"Alexis, he will be okay. He will." Kate's words of comfort fill Alexis up again, give her strength where she thought she had none. It was Kate alone who got her through last night. And it's Kate's voice now, strong and sure, then her warm and certain hands on Alexis' shoulders, as she pulls Alexis back from her Dad, that settles Alexis down once more. Alexis takes a deep breath and lets it go, as she leans back into Kate, who has taken a seat behind her on the bed.
Alexis nor her father will relinquish their tight hold of each others hands. Alexis won't let loose the thoughts in her head, either. Those words will just bring more sobbing and that will not help her father. She leans further back into Kate, and Kate tightens her hold of Alexis' shoulders. I thought I lost you, Dad.
She maintains eye contact with her father, but he looks past her for a moment, focusing on Kate instead. She turns away from him, so she can see Kate. The look her Dad is giving Kate seems to help Kate settle herself down as well, as she settled Alexis. Some of the stress and worry fade from her face as Kate's eyes shift from her father to her.
Now it's worry for Alexis, and not her father, that fills Kate's eyes, covers Alexis in a warmth and security that she's only ever known from her father before. How can that be? How can Kate make her feel so safe when she's brought a dragon to bear down upon them? I hate you and love at the same time Kate Beckett. What do you suppose I should do with that?
When Alexis looks back at her Dad, a quiet panic settles low in her belly. Her father's eyes appeared haunted just now. A few moments ago, they were overflowing with a soft joy as his gaze settled on the couch. Then approval and love were clear in his eyes, as he watched Kate pull her back from him, saw how Kate helped her find control. Daddy, I promise you it's going to be all right. I'm going to make sure of it.
She glances yet again to Kate. Her mind made up. She will not let Katherine Beckett break her father down anymore. Kate has promised her. Alexis can still see her promises clear in her eyes. Yes, she means to keep them and if she's going to have any chance of keeping them, then Alexis has to get to her before her Dad. He has a way of screwing things up and maybe she'll have better luck this time.
She has a connection with Kate like she's never had with any of his other women, including her own mother. Maybe it's enough to tip the outcome in her and her father's favor. Alexis suddenly realizes she might want Kate as much as her father does. Kate, we are going to figure this out together. I promise you.
"Darlings! You are all awake!" Her grandmother breezes in, places the bag she was carrying by the couch and steps behind Alexis, her hands settling on her granddaughter's shoulders. She leans over to kiss Alexis on the cheek, but her eyes remain on her son, seeking confirmation of his improved state. He gives her a smile, but she gets more from the clear, penetrating look of his eyes, and her hand moves from Alexis' shoulder to his face.
"Mother, I'm so glad you are here." He takes her hand from his face so he can hold it. "I think Alexis could use a break, right sweetie?"
He focuses back on his daughter, taking his hand from his mother's and placing it against his daughter's cheek. "I want you to go home and rest, okay?"
Alexis doesn't want to be away from her father for one second, but Grams coming back is a welcome sight. She needs to get Kate alone to talk and taking her back to the loft to rest and freshen up is a fantastic excuse, but Alexis isn't sure she can leave now.
Her indecision must be flickering across her face because suddenly her Dad is fighting to bring his other hand to her face to hold her gaze to his. She sees the effort it costs him and does the same thing as Kate, moves to support that arm with a hand at his elbow. Oh, Daddy...
"I am going to be okay, Alexis. And I won't even be awake much longer, I'm sure. Go home. Rest, sweetheart."
Her Dad looks over to Kate, who had moved back to couch when Grams arrived. Even though Kate seemingly pulled herself together, she still looks a bit of a mess over there on the couch. In fact, despite the assurances Kate managed to communicate to her, Alexis thinks she looks close to bolting. Oh, no, Katherine Beckett. No more running.
"Kate..." Alexis watches in fascination as, at her father's words, his muse locks gazes with him. He adds a few strokes of his good hand down the side of Alexis' hair to punctuate the point he's making with can clearly see what they are communicating. Seriously guys, how have you let this simmer for almost four freakin' years?
"Alexis, you're Dad is right. Actually, I could use a nap in a nice comfy bed." Kate says, a bit of a sly tone in her voice. Alexis turns away from this much more private message shared between them. For Gods Sake, Dad! You are in the hospital.
"Yeah, you're right, Dad. I'll go for a bit." Alexis gives Kate another penetrating look. "I think... I'd really like if you came with me, Kate. I don't want to be alone."
At her words, her Dad pulls her back down to his chest. She hears him struggle with his breathing again, knows the crying on both their parts will start again if she doesn't pull it together, so she sits back up, brushes his hair back, and lays her hand against his cheek.
"You just rest, Dad. Kate and I will be back later today." She leans in and replaces her hand with her lips, holding herself lightly against him, still afraid somehow she'll break him worse than he's already been broken. Steel Rod, Dad! Not Cool!
Finally, she's able to pull herself back from him and get up. She moves over to Grams, who immediately pulls her into a hug, but she's still looking back at her father. Kate has moved over to sit beside him again, placing her hands on either side of his face, and leaning in to kiss him softly.
She sees her father's arms come around Kate, but his right arm is still worthless. He can only press against her side, not get his arm all the way across. She wants to cry when she sees his hand struggle to flex and hold Kate tight where he touches. He loves her. He loves her more than anyone before. He will never love like this again.
She settles more into her grandmother's side, lays her head against her shoulder, and waits for Kate to say her goodbyes. She's struck again by how much they love each other. She thought she understood Kate, but after the shooting, after everything that Kate had put her father through she wasn't sure anymore.
She knew her father had been trying to walk away from Detective Beckett. Alexis had been the one to find him in his study more than once during the past week, passed out on his couch, the screen saver flickering over his murder board. She's sure he's fallen asleep staring at it every night for the past week, trying to solve it, find some kind of resolution for Kate Beckett before he left.
Even after everything, he still wants to help her heal. She knows he needs to help Kate put a lid on this and box it up for good before he walks away. But she also knows he hasn't found anything to give her. Nothing concrete to lay a foundation for the peace of mind he seeks to give her before taking his freedom back. His freedom. He will never be free of her.
"We will figure this out, Rick. I promise you."
Kate's fervent words bring Alexis' attention back to her father and his muse. Kate still has her hands on her father's face, looking intently into his eyes, making him a solemn promise, just as she did for Alexis the night before. And it's in this moment that Alexis realizes Kate is already a part of their family. If Kate is not destined to become her mother, then surely she is already a sister. She can't run away this time. Stay Kate. Stay with us.
She watches as Kate's hands drop from her father's face and grab for his hands, his right still trying to grasp her tighter at her hip, his left firmly entangled in her hair, thumb smoothing across her cheek. He lets her have his hands and pulls them, tightly joined, against his chest, just over his heart. Alexis can't stand to hear the breaking of Kate's voice as she speaks her promises to her Dad.
"Whatever it is, Rick. We'll face it. Stand together. I promise you. Stand and fight until we figure it out. Together. Right? Okay?"
"I know you believe that right now, Kate. And I want so much for it to be true. You have no idea how much I want that, but I can't be sure you won't lock me out and never let me back in."
And here her father's voice breaks. He cannot continue with what he meant to say. Alexis knows it's that moment her Dad realizes he's got her. His muse. The love of his life. The woman who he can see no future without. She knows he hasn't been writing. What will become of him if he's right? If she can walk away even after all these promises to herself and to him. Kate, you've got to come through for us here. We need you now. We need forever.
She looks down when she sees his tears falling, but it's Kate's voice that has her looking back up again. It's the steel in it. The solidness of it. Even when you sound so sure, he doesn't believe you, Kate.
"I am so sorry that we have to do this here. And we can't even have it all, but you were right. This isn't just about us." Alexis sees Kate wrestle her hands away from her father, changing the hold, so it's her hands cradling his, instead of his cradling hers. She sees Kate fingers move against her father's skin, over the back of his hand. And her father's breathing begins to roughen up, hitching here and there as tears spill out of his eyes.
"You said we can't do this here. We can't do this now. What if I walk out this door and you never you see me again? Not because of me. Not because of you. Just life. There and gone. So, don't tell me we can't do this. You can't leave it like this. You won't leave it like this. It's done. It's already done, Rick. One and done."
Alexis can't see Kate's eyes, but she sees her Dad's reaction to her words. The look in his eyes, which find hers briefly and her grandmother's, before turning back to Kate, is one of shock and apology. He wasn't expecting this from Kate and he's not going to be able to control his response.
Alexis watches as her father pulls Kate back down to him, letting go of any restraint. His awareness of Grams and her fades away. Alexis shames herself by being unable to turn away from her father's private moment with Kate.
Kate holds his bad hand against her cheek, but his other hand is fisted in her hair, pulling her hard against him, as he kisses her fiercely, unable to hold back the sharp moans of pain his movements cause as they stretch the limits of his endurance.
Alexis sees Kate try to pull back, calm him down, but her father won't let her go, won't gentle the kiss. She looks away again, embarrassed, yet filled with joy, but not before she catches her father finally break the kiss, his mouth whispering against Kate's, "I love you. I love you, Katherine Beckett."
It's then that Alexis buries her face in her grandmother's shoulder and Grams arms pull her impossibly closer. They should be alone. We should leave them alone.
Alexis is about to suggest perhaps her and Grams should grab some breakfast together before she heads home. Maybe let Kate and her Dad have a few moments more, when the door suddenly opens and Esposito and Ryan pop their heads in.
"How is..." Ryan is unable to finish his question as his eyes find her Dad and Kate in a passionate kiss. The noise of the door opening is enough to break the two apart, though it takes both a few moments to calm their breathing and speak. Alexis hears them mumble together under their breath, "Irish!"
Alexis catches the side of Kate's quirky smile as she looks at her father and his lips break open in a smile as well. Kate's managed to settle him down a bit. And it's in his voice too, a lightness is back that she hasn't heard in a while. "Until later, then, detective?"
"Yes, later." She leans in for one more one kiss, soft and chaste, then she's standing up. She starts to step away but Alexis sees her father grab her hip, his hand snaking under her shirt and around her good side.
They stand looking at each other a moment more, exchanging an intense stare. Then Kate is heading for Alexis, who breaks from her grandmother's arms just as Kate comes to stand beside her. Kate places an arm around Alexis' waist and steers her out the door after their brief goodbyes to Grams, Esposito, and Ryan, who remain frozen in shock.
Well, except maybe Detective Esposito. She hears his incredulous voice as they slip out the door, "Beckett...hey, wait...Beckett!"
But Kate doesn't stop, her arm firmly around Alexis' waist as they stride down the hall. She does call back to him, though, "Castle's the storyteller, Esposito!"
Dear Reader: I never intended for you to have to wait this long for an update. Life has a way of knocking you off track, you know? I hope you enjoyed this chapter enough to make up for the delay. I will try my best not to let it happen again. Thank you for all your favs, follows, alerts, and reviews! Please...don't stop now! :)
A Birthday Wish: For my partner in crime, McFluffy. I hope you have a fantastic day today! Readers, I think you will love the story we are working on together. If you'd like to encourage a new Castle FanFic author, go on over to her bio and subscribe to McFluffy. You'll be telling her Happy Birthday and also, "Oh, I can't wait to read what you're writing!" :)
Special Thanks: Of course I called upon my My CastleTV Chatroom writer friends to beta for me again! Thanks go out to McFluffy, fooxoo, RickBeckett, and PenguinOfTroy...Tux, an extra thanks for that second look with a keen eye.
Disclaimer: We all know who owns these characters. May success continue to follow their creator so they will continue to grace our television screens with new stories for years to come.