DISCLAIMER: See Chapter One.
A/N: Um...Meep! *Hides under computer desk* I'm sorry! I truly didn't intend for it to take this long, I'm not trying to hold chapters hostage for reviews or any such nonsense...I got sick and didn't have access to a computer and then I had schoolwork and friend stuff and it could've been a lot worse...Adequate excuses? Good. Moving on!
Thanks to Luna-Moonberry-Lovegood for writing the companion piece, "Cheers, Ron!". (Hint - Go read it!), and to Stephanie O for Beta-ing "Smile, Harry!" for moi, the ever-so-humble authoress, PhoenixFlameGinny67!
Without further ado...
Smile, Harry!
Chapter Five: Harry
Potter,
Cute. Real cute.
"Love from..."
The only bit that could possibly redeem that...er...lapse of judgment would be the fact that those words were followed hastily by "your friend..."
Still. They were there. And that is unacceptable. You've progressed from best-mate's-little-sister/older-brother's-best-mate to an actual friendship.
Bit of advice, eh?
Don't ruin it.
Seething at your stupidity,
Handy Hints on How to Make Friends (in close association with Sensible Suggestions at your Service)
Dearest Harrykins,
You great bloody idiotic toerag.
Sincerely,
THE COLD HARD TRUTH ASSOCIATION
FROM THE HOME (FOR NOW!) OFFICE OF THE ESTEEMED BUSINESS
WEASLEYS' WIZARD WHEEZES
Directly from the desk of Messrs Fred and George Weasley! Be Awed and Honored
Recipient: Our favoritebenefactor!
Fred: Harry, good lad!
George: How are you?
Fred: Splendid to speak to you again, simply splendid!
George: Why, we're positively spiffing, dear boy, thank you for asking!
Fred: Enough of that, now. All formalities aside, we have rather a bone to pick with you.
George: Yes, Potter, as my fantastically good-looking brother has pointed out -
Fred: (We look exactly the same, you conceited git! Though I do reckon I am a bit more attractive than you...)
George: - we have a few...concerns.
Fred: You see, Harry, it has come to our attention that the post owls have been flying -
George: - But indeed, what else would they do? Waddle?
Fred: Excellent point, brother-mine! Waddling is rather unbecoming of an owl, isn't it?
George: Yes, it is, Forge, now that I think of it. But as you were saying, the post owls seem to be enjoying quite the workout lately, judging by the number of letters our ickle Ginny-kins has stashed in her desk -
Fred: - Not that we've looked or anything -
George: - No, of course not! An atrocious crime it would be if we had!
Fred: However, it seems that the majority of them were written in your elegant...scrawl.
George: Now, now - we see that look on your face -
Fred: - Yes, the one of abject terror, but you needn't be worried!
George: You see, this delightful note we've graced you with is merely to say...
Fred: Congrats! We saw it coming leagues off!
George: Proud, so proud! I'm in tears, aren't you, Freddie?
Fred: Why, yes, George...simply heartwarming to watch such a lovely roma - er - friendship unfold!
George: Yes, friendship, and it will never be anything more. Right, Forge?
Fred:Right you are, Gred. Right you are.
Sincerely,
Your partners in business (and thus crime...but we needn't mention that),
Gred and Forge Weasley
Harry,
Run for your bloody life.
Grimly,
Sensible Suggestions At Your Service
Dear Harry,
Thanks for the suggestion (you know...the write-Snape-a-letter suggestion?). Thought you might like to know, I took it. Of course, it was anonymous, and I sent it with an ordinary post owl the other day when Mum took me to Diagon Alley with her for some potions ingredients.
I do wish I could've seen his face when he opened it...perhaps we can repeat the experiment this year at school and hide under that magnificent cloak of yours to...observe the effects? Anyway, he sent a letter with the owl, you know, return-to-sender and all that? He reckons it has something to do with you, you know.
I suppose he's right.
Any other ideas for pranks? I'm working on the Howler-to-the-Dursleys thing, by the way. It took a surprisingly small amount of arm-twisting, guilt-tripping, and arguments-of-questionable-logic to convince Mum that it was a good idea, so now I just need to wait for her to get me one. And then I'll send it off. Be waiting for the explosion...quite possibly literally!
On to more serious matters. (You have no idea how much I wanted to make that a pun on a certain someone's name...Only the fact that it's really annoying when Ron says "No, you're not!" whenever someone says "I'm serious!" stopped me.)
Right. So. You'll never guess...We're having a dinner party. VIPs include: Moony, Professor McGonagall, and Kingsley Shacklebolt. Of course, according to Mum, this is just a dinner party.
Of course it bloody is. I'm rolling my eyes right now. What a pathetic lie. So, Harry, what I'm trying to say is I might just have some interesting news soon. We'll see. Just have a little more patience and don't do anything you might regret.
On that note, how have you been lately? Your letters appear to be chipper enough, but the last one seemed a bit half-hearted. I don't blame you, what with all you must be going through and nobody to talk to about it. Letters, I'm sure, aren't the best way to get horrors such as those of last year off your chest, but I'm here to listen if you ever need someone.
In reply to the rest of your last letter:
Lupin will be pleased you thought of him. I'll pass on your greeting.
Hmm...Yes, I suppose that's precisely what I'm insinuating. You'll just have to prove me wrong, yeah? Can't wait to see the look on Snape's face if anyone is brave enough to actually kick him! But the "Kick me" sign will be funny even if nobody heeds it.
Yeah, my mum thinks you're an angel. You're a bloody demon, if you ask me, Potter. Well, I suppose you're right about Ron, he's not exactly observant or anything. However, the day I bow at your feet and beg mercy of you is the day you get Voldemort to have tea with a bunch of old Muggle ladies in a frilly pink cocktail dress. (Try not to imagine that. I did, and the result is disturbing.)
Always,
Ginny
P.S. What do you think would happen if Pig...accidentally...somehow...in a manner completely unrelated to myself...ingested caffeine? Just a hypothetical question.
Dear Ginny,
Don't tell me you...actually...did...that? You did, didn't you? Oh, Good Godric, you bloody sent Snape an insulting letter! I swear, that's right up there with taking a kick at Mrs. Norris! Your brothers would be so proud...Okay, I'll admit it, I'm impressed.
Yes, we are repeating this...but we can't get caught. I can just imagine the scene now: "Fifty points from Gryffindor for disrespect shown to Hogwarts staff, fifteen points from Gryffindor each for being arrogant little brats, ten points from Gryffindor for looking like your father, Potter, and another ten points from Gryffindor because I hate you!" Admit it, it's pretty accurate.
Oh, bloody buggering hell, he's already caught onto it! I dunno, perhaps we shouldn't push our luck...Perhaps if it's an isolated incident, he'll let it go. Or perhaps my luck will hold and we'll get hung by our toes from the Astronomy Tower.
I refuse to give you any ideas. Henceforth, I am triple-checking each letter I send for anything that could possibly turn out to be dangerous, humiliating, Fred-and-George like, or lose us House points.
Gah! No serious puns...Or Sirius puns, because it's not possible to have a serious pun...Um...right. Moving on.
Fantastic! I'll eagerly await news, and I swear on Merlin's most ragged pair of baggy Y-fronts that I won't do anything "worthy of my father" as Sirius put it in a letter last year...
I'm fine, Gin, really. Just bored. There simply isn't anything to write about. Now, don't go creating chaos just 'cause everything's so dull here...Who am I kidding? You'd cause chaos anyway, wouldn't you?
No, letters aren't the best for that, but I'll keep your offer in mind for when I see you in person.
On to other matters: Who says I'll even have to play the "Kick Me" sign prank on Snape? That responsibility may very well fall into your hands, Ginny...
Well, the important part is that she thinks I'm an angel; you'll never go hungry if Molly Weasley thinks you're an angel!
Your friend (who will spend the rest of the day looking up ways to Scourgify his brain of the image of Lord Bastard in what looks to be one of Aunt Petunia's dresses for when the ladies are over),
Harry
P.S. Another thing I don't want to think about. Er...incidentally...you don't reckon owls can have diarrhea?
Ewww...
Dear Potter,
Bored yeah? Anything you feel like doing?
Quidditch, huh?
You wish. (And so do we.)
I mean, honestly - the youngest Seeker on a Hogwarts House team in an entire century, and yet every single summer, you find yourself with that wicked top-of-the-line racing broom of yours locked neatly in the cupboard under the stairs. It's an outrage - a scandal! A Firebolt, a real, honest-to-goodness Firebolt Broomstick, locked away with your Aunt's spare cleaning supplies.
With tears in our eyes (and sounding suspiciously like Oliver Wood),
The Society for Hogwarts Quidditch Players
Harry,
We received intelligence that precisely one second and three milliseconds ago, your Uncle bellowed something unintelligible up the stairs, and you wished to translate it from Angry-Winded-Hippo-Speak to either English or Parseltongue. (Or what Ronald Weasley calls "Harry-Speak", but unfortunately we do not have any fluent speakers of said dialect amongst our staff.)
So. Here it goes!
In English: "BOY! GET DOWN HERE AND MAKE DINNER!"
English - In - Backwards: "! - DINNER - MAKE - AND - HERE - DOWN - GET - ! BOY"
In Parseltongue: "Shsssssshhh! Shhhssssssth Sssth Thhsssss!" (At least, we think...)
And an approximate guess in Harry-Speak for good measure: "Boy-who's-name-I-have-yet-to-learn-even-though-he's-lived-with-me-for-fifteen-years! Quit writing to your friends before I take away the one pleasure we allow you here (your owl) and get down here so that we can torture you by making you cook a delicious dinner that you will not be able to eat! Watch it simmer, sniff as it roasts, and then eat this stale bread and canned soup while we enjoy the fruits of your labor!"
At your service,
The Instant Replay Society
A/N: Hope you enjoyed! Let me know if you have any suggestions, comments, or criticism. Next chapter will be the "dinner party" and Ginny's letter to Harry! (Oh, and a possible prank involving Pig and coffee...)