Disclaimer: I have no affiliation to Criminal Minds or its characters. This is fiction pure and simple.
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Till Death
Chapter 4: Punishment
Reid sat on the settee staring unseeing into the dimly lit room. Even after turning the heat up he couldn't seem to get warm, the cold seeped out of the floorboards through his bare feet and straight to his bones starting a soul deep rattle. He struggled to focus. Nothing lasted forever but he'd only had 21 days and 11 hours, it wasn't nearly enough. The key turning in the lock was a death knell signaling that the end was near. His vision blurred as he tried to hold back tears. I can't let him go. I won't
Morgan stood before him fists clenched, feet planted firmly on the ground. "What did you do?" He looked magnificent, determined, and ready to go to war. "Reid don't make me ask you again. WHAT DID YOU DO?"
"I had sex with Garcia."
Morgan began to pace. He strode to the open window; hands on the back of his shaven head and gazed out into the night. "When?"
"It doesn't matter when. It was before we got together." Reid cleared his throat nervously.
"I will decide what matters. Tell me when and where?"
"The night before your wedding. She came here."
"I bet she did." Morgan turned on his heel and headed back for the door. Reid rushed after him locking the door before him and leaning back against it. "Don't leave. Say something." the wobbling of his voice startled even him. "You can't just leave."
"Don't you dare cry right now." Derek snarled at him. "You lied to me. You've been lying to me for weeks."
"I know I should have told you but I panicked. I wanted you for so long and then I had you. I couldn't tell you what I'd done and risk losing you. What we have means everything to me I couldn't think beyond trying to protect it."
"You mean had!" Morgan barked at him before heading back to the living room.
Reid followed after him; still guarding the door anything to keep him here. "No I will not accept that. I'm sorry. I'm so so sorry. You love me I know you do. This isn't unfixable."
"Yeah I love you. I - LOVE - YOU." Morgan dragged out. "Who knows how you feel about anything?"
Reid stopped in front of his love, hands rapidly flashing, fighting as it were for his very life. "I was depressed and drunk. All I could think about is how we'd be together if I was brave enough, strong enough. But it was too late, I was struggling to cope and Garcia was there."
"So did it help?" Morgan snapped at him, the scowl on his face terrifying. "Tell me Reid, did fucking my best friend help you 'cope'? I hope to hell you slept like a fucking baby afterwards cos I will never forgive you for this."
"We – we weren't together then."
"Is that why you hid it from me?"
"It was before us. It shouldn't matter." He stammered out, sticking to his guns.
The laugh Morgan let out was scary, "Before us? Right! I knew there were lovers before me. You were no virgin. God the things you can do with that tight little body…" He backed away. "Before us there were tens, probably hundreds of nameless faceless people. They nobodies, they didn't count but Garcia is my friend. I work with her. I hang with her. Now every time I look at her all I'll see are her hands touching you the way I touch you. Her lips kissing you the way I kiss you. I have been killing myself trying to be perfect, so you'd have no reason to regret the choice you made to be with me in front of our family, friends, pretty much the entire FBI; I guess on some level I was convinced that I am not good enough for you."
It seemed like he couldn't think or talk fast enough to keep their relationship from sinking. It was like trying to plug a leaky boat with a sponge. "You are good enough, of course you are."
"Well, it turns out you're not. I feel like such a fool. You've been avoiding each other. She can't look me in the eye. Guess I was too blinded by you to put two and two together. Some profiler huh?"
"Derek, please. Just talk to me I'm sure we can get past this."
"You want to talk. Ok let's talk! Is this a thing that you do? Get drunk and sleep around? Seeing as that's how we got together you can understand why I'd be worried. So Doctor Reid, riddle me this; am I going to have to worry every time we fight? What if we end up on different assignments? Our lives aren't always going to be perfect so I wanna know if every time you drink you are going to fuck someone else?"
"I can't. I won't."
"How do I know that? Oh lemme guess I should just trust you, right?"
"I can fix this, just tell me what to do. I don't know what to do." He blocked Morgan's attempt to get past him, for every step taken forward he took one back until he was once again pressed against the door.
"We are done Reid, even with your considerable genius you can't turn back time. Now get away from the door."
"No!" He launched himself at Morgan pressing kisses all over his face. A slim white hand snaked into cargo pants, fondling the thick length desperately.
"Get off me, Reid. You don't want me to touch you right now, believe me!"
"I don't care. I will do whatever you want." He trailed hard sucking kisses down the muscular neck. " Don't hold back, I can take it."
"Damn it Reid!" Morgan shoved him off. "That you think for even two seconds that I would ever touch you in anger shows that you don't know me at all."
Reid crumpled, sliding down to the chilly floor. The battle to hold back tears lost as he sobbed with abandon. "I – I can't be without you. You have to forgive me. You have to."
Morgan sank to the floor next to him and drew him into his lap, "Reid baby, you need to calm down."
"Stay with me. Please just stay with me. Promise me you'll stay."
The simply put "I can't." started a fresh stream of hot tears. The burning heat of Derek's body only made him more aware of how cold he was. He burrowed in close and curled up tight, clinging with every bit of him but it wasn't close enough and never would be again.
xxXxx
He didn't need to open his eyes to know that Derek was gone. The other side of the bed lay unruffled, untouched while outside the day dawned bright and beautiful as if in defiance of his pain. Reid pulled a pillow over his head pressing the downy softness against the sides of his aching head. He was alone in the world – again!
xxXxx
Morgan stopped in his tracks when he came face to face with Garcia who was just exiting his building. She looked the way that he felt. Pleading raccoon eyes and all.
"Derek…"
"Penelope, I want you to know that I don't blame you for this. I know it wasn't your fault but you need to go cos I can't bear to look at you right now." He brushed past her quickly, already dialing on his cell.
"Hotch, I need a favor…"