A/N: I'll put another TW in here for mentions of self-harm and suicide although there are no actual mentions of it. But yeah, ta-daa!
Maura sat in the hospital on a chair in the corridor. How had she not noticed something was wrong earlier, how had she been so oblivious to Jane's suffering. Maybe if she had have noticed something earlier, just asked her if she was really okay, she wouldn't be in this situation, she wouldn't have tried to kill herself.
Maura squeezed her eyes shut. Jane had tried to kill herself. That scared her, more than she knew it was possible to be scared. She had always assumed Jane would be in more danger because of her job, at the hands of some psychotic criminal, not due to her own mind taunting her. And she had done nothing. What kind of friend didn't notice this, didn't notice someone they cared about, loved, more than anyone, was struggling so much that they thought it would be better if they were dead.
Maura had read many articles on suicide, just like she had read many articles and papers on everything else that spiked some interest. She knew that it must be an indescribable pain felt, but she couldn't imagine it, couldn't get her head around how bad it must be. But she had read that when people realise that they can do that, end their own life, they're somewhat relieved. Because they don't have to live through that pain anymore, they don't have to suffer. Before she had read anything about it, she assumed that it was selfishness, taking your own life, leaving behind the people who loved you. But the more she read, the more discovered that it was. It was selflessness.
They took their own life because they thought the people the loved would be better off without them, that they could be happier without them around. And that really hurt Maura.
Jane thought she would be better off without her here.
Didn't she know how much Maura loved Jane, how she had saved her, how much she had turned her life around. Could Jane nor see that she was the only person in Maura's life that really mattered to her. And then Maura realised she didn't. She didn't know that, she didn't see it like that. She genuinely thought Maura could be happier, better off, with her gone. Because Jane didn't see herself the way that everyone else saw her. And that broke Maura's heart. She didn't know, Jane didn't know how important she was to everyone around her, didn't know how amazing she was, how beautiful, how kind.
Maura knew that Jane always turned down every compliment she was given, didn't know quite what to say when someone said something nice about her, but Maura didn't realise it was because Jane didn't know it, didn't believe it. That didn't even seem like an explanation. She couldn't get her head around the idea that Jane really didn't know.
Maura stood when she saw the doctor walk down the corridor towards her. She wasn't sure if she was who was treating Jane, she hadn't taken much notice when they had arrived about who was who and what was happening, she just had kept focusing on Jane, worried that she would somehow loose the small piece of life still in her if she dared look away for a second, dared remove the tight grip she had on Jane's hand. And she hadn't, not until they had removed her from the room because she was getting in the way of them treating her.
She wasn't even exactly sure what was happening around her. She hadn't noticed the blood still seeping from her wrists, through the useless bandages they had placed over the cuts and onto the white sheets. She didn't notice the looks the doctors shared over Jane or the looks of others in the hospital. The worry the doctors shared about the outcome, the shock that families of patients held on the faces at the woman being transported through the ward, soaked through to the skin, and incredibly pale.
That's what Maura noticed; how pale Jane looked, not so much white as she was grey like she was already dead, like the people who came into the morgue every. As if there was no life left in her. She noticed how small Jane looked on the hospital bed, somehow shrinking into the sheets and Maura worried that if she looked away Jane would completely disappear into them. She noticed the pain that radiated through her features when her eyes opened momentarily. And she thought she saw a small smile play at Jane's lips when their eyes met. But what was there to be happy about, to smile about. Couldn't she tell how close to deaths door she was?
That's what she wants.
The thought flickered into Maura's head, but she dismissed it just as quickly. However that didn't stop the feelings that came with it. The sick feeling in the pit of her stomach. The fear of what could have happened. The worry over how bad things had got for Jane. And the guilt.
She felt so guilty, for surely she could have stopped this, she could have, should have, noticed it and helped Jane. Done something, anything, to make sure that nothing like this could ever happen. But she stopped those thoughts, because they weren't going to get her anywhere, they weren't going to help Jane now. And that was what was important.
Maura had stayed with Jane as the doctors got to work on her, but she had seen that they weren't quite doing everything they could at the quickest rate possible. They weren't doing their job properly, they weren't saving her best friend. And then she got cross with them. But then the tears started and she just sounded like a blubbering mess as she tried to tell them what to. Like most other relatives they had in here.
And she had been in the way, refusing to stand back from the bed, let go of Jane's hand. Because what if something happened and she wasn't there. She had already let her down and look where that had got her. Someone had warned her, but unlike herself she hadn't paid any attention to them. So they had to remove her from the room completely. It was probably best for Jane, but she couldn't see it like that. She only worried about what could happen to Jane when she was out of her sight.
The doctor walked over to Maura, although Maura still didn't recognise her from anytime earlier. She started talking but Maura wasn't interested in anything until she knew if Jane was okay, they could talk about everything else afterwards. After she had seen Jane with her own eyes, after she had felt the pulse of her best friend with her own fingers, after she had made sure that she wasn't dead. So Maura cut her off.
"Please, please just tell me she's okay," Maura begged.
The doctor paused before nodding slowly. "She is alive, but I wouldn't say she's okay. She tried to take her own life and I really would like to keep her in the hospital on a ward where she can be watched at all times, but we've had Detective Rizzoli in here a far few amount of times, and it's safe to say that she isn't going to want that, and I can't force her to stay if she really doesn't want to. But she will need to be with someone. Someone who she trusts and who trusts her, I –."
Maura cut the doctor off again, just wanted to see Jane.
"She can stay with me once she's been discharged, but can I please just see her, I need to see her."
"You can go on through, she's in the room right at the end," the doctor told her.
"Thank you so much," Maura said before walking down the corridor to the room Jane was in.
She stopped outside the door, and realised she was holding her breathe. She wasn't sure she why she was so worried about this, so nervous about seeing Jane. She had no idea how Jane was going to react to seeing her after knowing how Maura had found her, and knowing that she hadn't succeeded in committing suicide. And that was, technically, Maura's fault. She didn't want Jane to hate her for saving her life.
She walked in and her eyes feel onto Jane's tiny body that lay still in the bed. Maura rushed to her side, her eyes automatically flicking up towards the monitors, just to check that everything was okay. She nodded to herself, accepting that Jane wasn't in any danger right at this moment.
Jane looked better than she had done earlier. They had changed her out of her own clothes that were soaked and she was in a hospital gown, and they had replaced a lot of the blood she had lost so she didn't appear as grey as it was earlier. Maura had been in this situation before. Waiting in a hospital for Jane to regain consciousness, worried, scared and half the time a complete mess. But she didn't mind, and she didn't blame or hate Jane for it, after all there where many times when Jane had told Maura she would probably be better off not being her friend. But Maura hadn't left her side and waiting in hospitals was just something that one got used to when friends with a detective who always managed to get themselves into danger.
However, all those times, Jane was in here at the fault or another person. The scars on her body, the wounds she had accumulated over the years were all from someone else, there was someone else who had been involved with putting Jane into the hospital. But now it was different. She was there, in that bed, because she had injured herself.
But there were certainly other people involved in the reasoning behind it and in not stopping her from doing it. And she was one of them. She was one of the main reasons Jane lay in that hospital bed. And all hat guilt she had pushed away earlier flooded back into her head, filling up her whole body and she couldn't seem to shift it.
I am a horrible best friend.
Her hands ran delicately over the bandages that covered the stiches on Jane's wrist, not wanting to cause her any more pain than she had already suffered. She felt the tears building up and before she knew it she was talking to Jane. She knew Jane wasn't awake to her hear what she was saying, but they did bring her some comfort and she knew that there was some level of proof that patients could hear what you were saying to them even when not conscious.
"I'm so sorry Jane, I'm so sorry that I didn't notice anything, that I couldn't help you, and that you've been struggling all this time by yourself. And I know that you might hate me for saving you, but I'm not going anywhere and I'm going to help you as much as I can because you deserve to be happy and not be scared or frightened. You don't deserve to have all those thoughts about how bad you are going through your head, about how much better we all would be without you here, because none of that is true. You're amazing, and wonderful and beautiful and kind and I don't know what I would do without you Jane.
"You're my best friend, and I'm not sure what I do without you around. I was so scared when I found you, I thought I'd lost you forever, and I'm not even sure where I would start with coping. I'm not sure I would. You're more important to people than you can imagine. And I know how hard it is for you to see that, but I promise that its true and I promise that I'll show you as best I can how much you mean to me an–."
Maura stopped when she felt Jane's hand move under her own and her eyes flickered up to her face. Jane's eyes opened and she blinked a couple of times and Maura couldn't help but smile. She had known Jane was alive, but seeing her conscious reinforced that fact, made her believe it instead of just knowing it.
She stood, not letting go of Jane's hand and smiled at Jane when their eyes found each other. But Jane didn't smile back, she just frowned, confused at where she was, at what was happening. Why was Maura here? Why was she lead down in bed? Had it not worked? Had she not even managed to kill herself right? Had she let down Maura again?
She felt the anger inside building, but it was nothing compared to the sorrow she felt and she started crying. Sobs ripping through her body. She had ruined the one thing that she thought could solve everything. She had made everything even worse for Maura. She could see in her eyes, and although she was smiling, she could tell that she wasn't really happy.
She hates me even more.
"It's okay Jane," Maura said, her face falling as she witnessed the distress her friend was in.
Jane didn't say anything in reply and had turned her head away, almost as if she were hiding. Maura knew that Jane hated her for what she did. She couldn't just leave Jane, but she just wanted to make her happy, to save her, to get the old Jane back.
"Jane, I'm so sorry," Maura started but was startled when Jane whipped her head back around.
"Maura don't apologise, you haven't done anything wrong. This is all my fault," Jane told her.
"I could have done something, I'm sorry I wasn't there when you needed me. You're always there for me and I can rely on you, but I let you down, I let you go through all of this by yourself."
"Don't you dare blame yourself Maura, you haven't done anything. I should be the one apologising. I just wanted you to be happy and I knew you would be better off without me, but I couldn't even do that right. And I can see it, in your eyes, how disappointed with me you are. I'm sorry that I'm so horrible and that you've had to put up with, and I'm sorry that I couldn't even kill myself properly."
"Jane, listen to me, please. I know that… well I don't exactly know from your point of view… but I do know that you can't see how amazing you are. And that's not your fault. None of this is your fault. But you are amazing and I love you. You're my best friend, the only real friend that I've ever had and you mean the world to me. I know that, right now, you might not accept that this is true, but I won't be better off without you. I'm not disappointed with you, I'm just worried, and that isn't your fault either so don't blame yourself for that, you can't help thinking that."
Jane looked unsure when Maura finished. She wasn't sure whether Maura was just saying that or whether she was mocking her. She was unsure why she was even here still. She didn't have to be, she wasn't being forced to sit there and be nice to her. She wasn't sure why Maua would want to be her friend. She was a let-down, she had tried to kill herself. No one needed a friend who was fucked up in the head. No one needed a friend who was like her.
And as if Maura was reading her mind, she spoke again.
"I'm not going anywhere Jane, I'm not going to leave you. I'll help you through whatever I can by doing whatever I can do. I don't want to lose you and I don't want you to think I don't care. Because I really do, more than I've ever cared about anyone Jane. You're not a let-down and you aren't a failure and you aren't a horrible friend, you just need a bit of help. And if I can do that, then that's great. And if I can't I'll stand right here by your side while other people help you. Because you deserve that Jane. You deserve to know how much you are cared about."
Maura felt overly emotional. Maybe she had almost lost her best friend and she was only now beginning to see how close it had been, or maybe because seeing Jane so upset over something had in turn made her upset as well, or maybe because she just really cared about Jane. She knew it was probably a mixture or all three.
Jane was looking at her, still unsure, but less so. She could tell Maura was serious about what she had said and although still hard for her to believe, was closer to accepting it.
"You're not going to leave?" Jane asked her.
"No, I'm not going anywhere Jane, we're lifelong best friends forever," Maura said smiling.
A/N: Just wanted to point out that when I wrote 'fucked up in the head' that's not my opinion, I don't think that about people with mental health issues or anything like that. Also, this really didn't go how I planned and didn't exactly ended how I hoped, but I couldn't get it right even after re-writing it so I just left it like this, so I hope it's okay?