esper myrellis-verilla. 19.

late february, 89 add.

afternoon.

Esper closed the oven door before turning back to Townes. "When you said you couldn't cook, you really meant it, huh?"

Townes licked cake batter off his thumb. "I did," he said with a wink.

"Gross. Stop it."

"I'm not gonna waste it!"

"How's it going in here?" Rhylee asked as she walked into the kitchen. "I- oh my god."

Esper sighed. "I know."

"What?" Townes asked.

"It's, um… it's a bit of a mess."

Esper threw a dish towel at Townes. "If you can't cook, that means you're really good at cleaning, right?"

"I never said that," Townes said, catching it. "What is it with you and throwing things at me?"

Rhylee eyed them. "What was the plan for decorating, again?"

"We were about to make frosting." Esper looked at Townes, who grinned. "Well. I was about to make frosting."

"I don't mind decorating," Rhylee offered.

"That's probably a good idea."

"See? It'll look fine. Rhylee will make it look nice," Townes said.

"With no help from you," Esper replied.

"I'm not useless, you know."

"Maybe I'd believe that if you were actually cleaning right now, instead of standing there."

"What time are Ryden's friends coming over again?" Rhylee asked.

Esper walked over to the kitchen table to check his watch. Thankfully, he'd thought to remove it before they made the cake. "We have a few hours," he answered. "We should be fine."

"We still have to decorate," Townes pointed out.

"What do you mean, decorate?"

"I told you I was bringing streamers," Townes reminded him. "It'll be fun!"

"What color?" Rhylee asked.

"Green. Obviously."

"Good, 'cause-"

"That's his favorite color," Townes finished. "I remembered."

Esper groaned. "Not this again."

"We're best friends," Townes continued. "He's my Science Olympiad friend and now that his team is coming over he's gonna look so cool because he knows me. Ryden gets me like no one else. He's just the best."

Esper stared at him. "I'm right here."

"Yes, and?"

"What does that make me?" Rhylee asked.

"Let's see," Townes said. "Ryden's my best friend. You can be my favorite."

"Cool!"

"I'm right here," Esper repeated, watching the scene unfold before him.

"Yeah, you've mentioned it," Townes said. "Does that mean I'm your favorite, too?"

"Yeah."

"Perfect."

Rhylee grinned. "Sounds good."

"Glad we sorted this out."

"Me, too. How long until the cake is done?" she asked.

Esper checked his timer. "Thirty-five minutes."

"Is it okay if I come back to decorate then?"

"Yeah, sure."

"I just wanted to make sure you guys didn't burn the house down," Rhylee admitted.

"I would never!" Esper said.

Townes shrugged. "That's fair."

"Okay, great. I'll go draw what the cake will look like, and then I'll be back once the kitchen is clean."

Esper looked over at Townes. "Are you still not cleaning?"

"I was having a conversation!"

"You can do both."

"Bye!" Rhylee called over her shoulder. "Have fun cleaning!"

Once she was gone, Esper gave Townes a look.

"What?"

"So my brother's your best friend, and my sister's your favorite?"

"Yes."

"So I…"

"Oh." Townes tilted his head. "Hadn't really thought about it."

"You're the worst."

"What did I do?"

"You have cake batter on your cheek, by the way," Esper told him.

"I do? Since when?"

"Since… I don't know. I just saw it."

"Liar," Townes accused. "I bet you saw it ages ago!"

Esper shrugged. "Maybe."

Townes wiped at his left cheek. "Did I get it?"

"Other cheek."

"Could you just do it?"

"You're helpless."

"So help me!"

Esper rolled his eyes and crossed the kitchen, wiping the smear of cake batter from Townes' cheekbone with his thumb. "There."

"Thanks."

"Miracle there was enough left over for the cake," Esper commented, surveying the scene.

"You could have just bought one and saved yourself the trouble."

Esper shook his head. "It's tradition," he said. "Every year, we'd save up for one of those boxes of cake mix and some eggs and some oil, and we'd make a cake. Buying a cake would ruin it."

"It would be a lot less messy."

"It's usually not this messy. That was just you."

"I did a good job!"

"I hope so," Esper said.

"It'll be good. It will. You worry too much."

"I worry the right amount."

"Literally no one agrees with that," Townes said. "Relax. He'll have a good party."

"You think?"

"Uh, yeah. I'll be there. I'm great at parties."

"This is not your kind of party."

"Sure it is. Any party is." Townes leaned in. "You should come to one with me sometime."

"I don't drink," Esper reminded him.

"You don't have to. And there'll be music and dancing and stuff."

"Doesn't really seem like my scene."

"My birthday's coming up," Townes said.

"That… is true."

"I still can't believe you didn't tell me about yours, by the way."

"Why not?"

"Because it was your birthday!"

"Because we were getting along so well in September?"

"Still."

"You'll be around next time."

"I guess."

"Is that what you want for your birthday, though?" Esper asked.

"I don't know. I think it would be fun to go together," he replied. "It doesn't have to be the whole time…"

"I can get you a real present," Esper said. "But, I mean… I'm not opposed."

Townes' eyes lit up. "Really?"

"Yeah," Esper said, enjoying Townes' excitement.

"My dad has a party for me every year, and I've always hated it," Townes said. "But if you were there… it would be better, I think."

"Of course. How are things with him, anyway?" Esper asked.

"Oh. Fine. The once-a-week pictures seem to be working? But I haven't seen him a ton," Townes admitted.

"Makes sense. You've been here a lot."

"Yeah. I like it here."

"I like having you here."

"Yeah?"

"When you're not trashing my kitchen, yeah."

Townes' jaw dropped with outrage. Esper laughed and reached for him, kissing his cheek before putting the dish towel back in Townes' hand.

townes zamoras. 18.

later that night.

As he'd predicted, the cake turned out just fine. Rhylee decorated it with the frosting Esper made, and Townes hung up streamers, and everyone had a great time. Townes had brought the game Ryden had asked about, and Ryden and his friends had a great time playing it. They were pretty excited to talk to him about their Science Olympiad season, too, which was fun.

(And every time he looked over at Esper, he was smiling. He liked that.)

By the time they'd all cleared out and the birthday boy went to bed, it was late.

"That was good," Townes said. "See? Nothing to worry about."

"Sure, whatever," Esper said.

"What do you wanna do now?"

Esper looked over. "Did you have something in mind?"

"I don't know. A movie or something?"

"Oh, sure," Esper said. "I'll just finish the dishes, if you want to go put something on."

"You can do them tomorrow."

"They'll bother me."

"Fine. I'll go pick something."

He wandered back into the living room and started looking through the old movies. Esper told him once that the Capitol had left them there, along with most of the board games, and they hadn't watched most of them yet. He pulled one out that looked half-interested and set it up, dragging a blanket onto the couch and making himself comfy while he waited.

Finally, Esper appeared in the doorway. "Comfortable?"

"Yes."

He walked over to the couch. "What did you pick?"

"I don't know. I thought the cover looked exciting, so I put it in."

Esper raised his eyebrows. "There are summaries on the back."

"What's the fun in that?"

He scoffed as he sat beside him, lifting up the blanket and settling underneath it. "Let's see how this goes."

Townes hit play, and the movie started.

For the second time, Esper's head was on Townes' shoulder, fast asleep.

(He looked much better than he had in November. He didn't look so fragile, so broken. He was more relaxed now, without as much tension in his shoulders. He seemed more like he was just sleeping normally. It was reassuring.)

He'd fallen asleep almost as soon as the movie started, and Townes had let him. He knew what Esper looked like with no sleep, and he wasn't going to stand in the way of him and rest. Besides, it had been a long day, and the movie, despite its fun cover, wasn't particularly interesting. Towards the end, all nice and warm next to Esper and wrapped up in blankets, just the soft light of the television to light the room, Townes started to nod off, too.

It was just so cozy.

(And it was better than home, anyways.)

"No… no… nononono…"

Still half-asleep himself, Townes wasn't sure if he was dreaming or not.

"I am…"

Townes opened his eyes, squinting, confused. He was sitting on Esper's couch, and the lights were off… what time was it?

"...I am!"

"You're what?" Townes asked, craning his head to look at Esper. His eyes were screwed shut now, and he was curling in on himself- against Townes- bringing his arms in close. "Esper?"

Esper let out a small shriek. "Nonono, I am… I am…"

"Esper, wake up," Townes said, shaking his shoulder gently. "Esper?"

His head slipped from its spot on Townes' shoulder to his chest as Esper slumped over, breathing fast. Townes was fully awake now, watching this with alarm, and he shook him harder.

"Esper!"

"No, no… no…!"

"Esper!"

He woke up with another shriek, his eyes flying open. As soon as they met Townes', Esper shrank away, breathing fast.

(Townes had never seen him so terrified.)

"Are you okay?" Townes asked. He reached for his hand, but Esper pulled away, and Townes didn't push it.

"I'm sorry," Esper said, his voice thick. "I'm so sorry."

"What happened?"

He wiped his eyes. "It was nothing. Did they hear it?"

"Rhylee and Ryden?"

"Yeah."

"I don't think so. Do you want me to go get-"

"No. Don't. It's fine."

"Are you sure you're okay?"

"I'm fine!"

"You didn't seem fine."

"It was just a dream," Esper said, rubbing his eyes, still hyperventilating. "I have that one a decent amount. It's fine."

"What kind of… dream…?" Townes asked, hesitant but watching him closely.

"The Lio dream," Esper answered. He cleared his throat. "I should probably go upstairs."

"Wait. Lio as in-"

"Yeah, that Lio," Esper said. "I just- I'm sorry. I should go to bed."

"It's okay," Townes said. "Hold on a second."

"What?"

"Don't go upstairs yet. Do you want, I don't know, water or something? You don't look good."

"I, um… yeah. Thanks."

Townes nodded and untangled himself from the blanket, making a quick trip to the kitchen for a glass of water. By the time he returned, Esper had collected himself a bit more. He accepted the glass of water and drank it in one go. Townes sat back down beside him.

"Thanks," he said, setting it on the table.

"Better?"

"…Yeah." Esper pulled his feet onto the couch, hugging his legs and resting his chin on the tops of his knees.

"I didn't know you still had trouble sleeping," Townes said.

Esper exhaled. "Yeah. Sometimes. It used to be every night."

"How much does it happen now?"

"Every once in a while," he mumbled. He muttered something else.

"What?"

"Hm?"

"What did you say?"

"Or… when I forget to, um… take my medication…?"

"You forgot?" Townes asked.

"It's… it's been a few… days…" he said, cringing.

"What? Why?"

"I… I don't know. It's hard."

"To remember?"

"To take it."

"But it helps, right?"

"Sometimes," Esper said.

"You're sleeping more than you used to," Townes pointed out.

"I know, I know."

"Which is good."

"I know."

Townes sighed. "I'm sorry."

"It's not your fault," Esper said. "It's mine."

"What?"

He shrugged. "It's the consequence for what I did," he said. "I deserve it. The nightmares and the fucked-up hearing and all of it."

"Don't say that."

"But it's true," Esper said.

"But you- you said it yourself," Townes said. "When you told me that you only did what you had to. You didn't have an option."

"Maybe," Esper replied, "but I didn't have to do that. I never thought that I would… that I could… want someone to die before." He wiped at his eyes again. "But I… I did… and it was even worse than that, because I… I wanted to be… I wanted to do it. To him. I- I wanted to be the reason. And I am, now… I am. And the feeling went away, but… but I have t-to know, now that I… I did it, and I c-can do it… I lost it…"

Townes heard Esper's voice start to crack and scooted closer. "It's okay."

"It's not, though…"

"It's over," Townes said. "It's all done."

"Then why can't I stop thinking about it?"

"Because it was a bad time! Which isn't your fault at all."

"When I got back I couldn't even look at m-myself," Esper said, his eyes watery.

"I look at you all the time."

"I m-mean, yeah…"

"I'm even doing it right now."

"Why?"

"Why am I looking at you? Because we're having a conversation."

"No… why, because… 'cause you saw w-what I did. And how I look now."

Townes took a deep breath. "Well," he said, "that stuff was sort of a one-time thing, right?"

"You t-talked about it all the time."

"Yeah, because I'm an asshole," Townes reminded him. "That was shitty of me. I'm sorry. But I think that as far as, uh, that stuff goes, the Games are sort of a special circumstance. You were the one who told me you didn't like it, remember? That's pretty believable."

He leaned in closer. "As for the second part… I don't mind how you look. It's not as though I know any different. I don't know, I think… it makes you more interesting."

"Interesting?"

"You don't look like everyone else," Townes clarified. "It's unique. And it's not even as prominent anymore, now that they've actually healed. Besides… I think they're a little badass."

"Really," Esper said, doubtful.

"Yeah. Who would ever mess with someone who's survived stuff like that?" Townes pointed out.

"You."

"Well, I'm special," Townes said. "Another important point: don't question my taste."

"Townes."

"I like how you look, and you should too," Townes told him. "I don't start thinking about the Games every time I look at you. Does that make sense?"

"I… I guess so."

"Come here."

Townes beckoned, and Esper scooted over, letting Townes pull him into an embrace. He held him tight until his shoulders relaxed and his breathing slowed. By the time he shifted away, Esper was nearly asleep again.

"Do you want me to walk you upstairs?" he asked.

"No," Esper answered, tucking his head back into Townes' shoulder.

"Okay."

"Is that okay?"

"Yeah, that's fine." Townes adjusted the blanket around Esper. "You gonna sleep here?"

"...Yeah."

"Okay. I'll head up soon, then."

"No…"

Townes looked over. "What do you mean, 'no?'"

"More comfy," Esper murmured.

"Esper…"

But his eyes had fluttered shut. Townes gave up and made himself comfortable.

(Not that he minded staying.)