Where are you? And I'm so sorry
I cannot sleep
I cannot dream tonight
I need somebody and always
This sick strange darkness
Comes creeping on so haunting every time

Blink 182- I Miss You

Chuck went to visit Blair, three days after her collapse. He knocked on the bedroom door. No one answered. "Blair?" He knocked again. He heard a sigh.

A very tired Blair opened the door. "How can I help you, Chuck?"

"How are you?" He asked. Blair shrugged.

"I'm fine." He knew she was lying, but he knew better than to push it. He nodded. "What about you?" Chuck gave her a smirk.

"I'm peachy." His bleeding arms carefully hidden with bandages and a long sleeved shirt told otherwise but Blair nodded, smiling. Chuck lit up a cigarette. Blair bit her lip. "Are they still force-feeding you?"

"Yup. Fucking idiots. Why can't they see that I'm fine?"

Because you're not.

Chuck shrugged. Blair's eyes moved to his arm. Shit. His sleeve was soaked in blood. "It's not what it looks like." Chuck started. She shushed him, sitting him up on her bed and undoing the gaze, changing the bandages carefully. She sat next to him.

"Those were pretty deep, Chuck." He smiled a little. Not deep enough. "It's not amusing, you could have died."

"And would you care?" Blair laughed.

"Of course. You are the most interesting person in here and I actually enjoy playing with you." His eyes turned dark for a second. "Jesus, I'm just kidding." Her hair was messy and there were bags under her eyes, but she looked healthier.

"They won't let me exercise, nor go to the bathroom without supervision. I feel gross." She rested her head on Chuck's shoulder. "I feel sicker." He kissed her head. "Why did you cut yourself?"

"I wanted to." He said simply. She shook her head.

"No, that's not it. What caused it?" Chuck looked away and she suddenly felt very guilty. "Was it me?" She asked quietly. He didn't answer. "I'm sorry." She whispered. He nodded.

"They're thinking of letting me go back to my room today afternoon. I'm on a healthy weight. I guess it really didn't pay off."

"What didn't?"

"My little habit." Chuck was about to answer when a nurse entered the room, not even bothering to complain about the cigarette on his hand.

"You have a visitor." Blair nodded. A blonde girl opened the door and smiled, waving. Serena, Chuck guessed.

"Hey, B. I missed you. How are you feeling?" Blair didn't answer. "Are you seriously going to ignore me?"

"No, Serena. I just don't want to look at you." Serena sighed.

"Why not?"

"Are you really asking me that? You fucked my boyfriend. Like, what the fuck? We were best friends and you had sex with him. I had never believed you really were a slut. I guess I was wrong."

"You know what, Blair? You are a drama queen. Boohoo, my boyfriend cheated on me. Boohoo, daddy left me. My life is bad too. I also have problems."

"Oh, I am so very sorry you are so fucking perfect, that my own mother likes you better than me, that my dad left us for a male model, and that you are the skinny pretty girl everyone loves. Really, I pity you. Your life is awful. You weren't even there for your brother when he slit his fucking wrists. So fuck you and your selfishness. Maybe one day I will forgive you. But I will never forget what you did to me."

"It's not my fault everyone likes me better than you." Serena immediately regretted that. "B, I didn't mean that-"

"Get out." Blair said, slowly. "Get the fuck out, RIGHT NOW!" She screamed. Serena left the room with sorrow in her eyes. Chuck almost felt sorry for the blonde. Almost. Blair was biting her lip.

"See. She's gorgeous." Chuck just shrugged. He didn't find Serena that attractive. "Ugh." She took a pill from her pocket and popped it into her mouth.

"What was that?"

"Anti-anxiety meds."

"I didn't know they prescribed them to you." Blair shrugged. "Blair! You can't take that shit."

"I can do whatever I want, Chuck. You know I can. They help me calm down and feel better. I know it doesn't please you, but it's not my job to do so." Chuck nodded. "Now, would you please let me be alone for a while? I need to think."

Chuck got up and walked to the door, only turning around to face Blair. "You know you're not fooling anyone, don't you?"

Before Blair could answer, he was gone.

Blair was out of that room 24 hours after her conversation with Chuck. She had no friends in there and she definitely didn't want to go to her room and face Jenny's wrath. She was alone and she knew it.

She went to the caffeteria to have dinner and sat by herself, all eyes on her. She didn't want to eat if everyone would be staring at her.

"She's not even that skinny." Someone whispered.

"Yeah, it's kind of gross what she's doing." Another voice agreed.

"Like, she could have some self control."

"It's pathetic."

Tears stung Blair's eyes, but she would not cry. Not in front of everyone. There were also nicer comments.

"I feel bad for her."

"She looks healthier."

"She has a serious problem."

"I hope she'll be okay."

But those were the ones that Blair paid the less attention to. It's easier to hate yourself than to love yourself, that's for sure. She played with her food for a while, before finally bringing the fork to her mouth. Chew, swallow. The usual. The problem were the moments after eating.

Someone sat next to her. Chuck. "Hey." She put the fork down. "Don't stop on my account." A smirk painted his features. He was beautiful.

"I was full anyway." She said, smiling.

"Mm now were you?" She just rolled her eyes and smirked.

"Why are you talking to me?" Blair asked.

"Because I want to. You know I do what I want." She laughed. He loved her laugh and the way her eyes would shine everytime she laughed. He quickly pushed the idea of love out of his mind. Chuck Bass does not do love. "You look better." Her face turned furious in a few seconds. How dare he mock her? Better? That was bullshit.

"You mean fat." She spat. He sighed.

"No. I mean better." She got up and headed to the bathroom only to be held from the behind by him. "Please don't." It was no more than a whisper because Chuck Bass didn't beg.

"I need to. You don't understand." She tried to free herself from his grip, failing miserably.

"You don't need to, Blair. I think you're beautiful. You didn't eat too much and you are not fat." She turned around and kissed him. He was surprised at first, but then he just closed his eyes and lost himself in Blair.

"I'm sorry-" She was cut off by his lips pressing against hers once again. He tasted like mint and cigars. It was him who finally broke the kiss. "I missed you." She whispered.

"I missed you too, Blair." Chuck knew this wasn't him. Chuck Bass didn't confess his feelings, nor did he acknowledge them. Chuck Bass didn't like feelings. Yet, Blair seemed to change Chuck Bass.

She unbuttoned his shirt carefully, kissing his chest. He guided her to his room. It was rushed, but it felt right. Blair forgot all of her insecurities for a while. He took off her shirt, kissed her neck. "Are you sure?" He needed to ask. He just did.

"Yes."

Blair Waldorf woke up next to Chuck Bass. It felt good, the way his body warmed up hers. She kissed his cheek slowly. His eyes opened quickly.

"Blair." He said lowly.

"Chuck." She smiled softly before realizing she was in bed naked with Chuck Bass. "Fuck." She got up quickly, suddenly embarassed by her body. "Fuck."

"Blair, calm down. What's wrong?"

"What's wrong? We had sex, Chuck! I became one of your sluts." She was almost in tears.

"You're not a slut. I did not use you. I actually like you, Blair." She bit her lip. "Come here. Let's talk, okay?" She nodded and sat on the bed. "Now, did you have sex with me because you were lonely?" Blair shook her head.

"How can you even think that?" Chuck shrugged.

"It's a possibility." It was. Chuck had fucked a lot of lonely women. He was just hoping Blair was not one of them.

"Was I any good?" She asked. He chuckled.

"Yes, Blair. You were amazing." Her eyes showed nothing but insecurity. "Please tell me this was not your first time." She looked away. He sighed "Did you like it, Blair?" She nodded.

"Wasn't I too fat?" Chuck shook his head.

"Of course not. You are not fat."

"Can I kiss you?" Her voice was soft. He smiled and nodded. She kissed him softly. She pulled away and looked at his arms. "Those are new." He nodded. "Why?" He shrugged. "Doesn't anyone notice?"

"The nurses don't even care anymore. I've been here for 3 years, Blair. They are used to fresh wounds."

"But you have to stop!"

"Well, it's not that simple, now is it, Waldorf?" She laughed humorlessly.

"It's different and you know it."

"Okay then. How is it different?"

"I don't know, it just is. I don't hurt myself, I don't need to stop."

"You think making yourself throw up doesn't hurt you? Shit, you could die, Blair. Your heart could fail. You can have multiple illnesses. Can't you see it, Blair? You're killing yourself from the inside out."

"Well, but you can cut too deep!" She tried to argue. He nodded.

"I could. I'm not saying what I'm doing is not dangerous, I'm just saying you're hurting yourself too. In a different way, yes, but it still is self harm."

"You stop, I stop."

"Fine. Game on, Waldorf." She smiled and kissed him to seal the deal. Handshakes are for losers, Blair decided.

A/N: I know I havent updated in a while and this is a pretty shitty chapter. I'm so sorry. I've had a lot on my mind. Hope you can forgive me. Thank you for your support.