T'Lou arrived at the beginning of Spock's seventh week of life as a child. She was to be his instructor while in his current form and help him deal with his fast paced development. She was old, even by Vulcan standards and had little to offer in the rebuilding of her home, but at least on the Enterprise she could take the place of teacher to Spock.
Jim welcomed her aboard to his ship with all the attention of a visiting of ambassador, despite his reluctance to have Spock taken away from him. He feared for the weakened bond between them now that Spock was no longer a child.
He feared soon it would be Uhura's attentions that he sought, like it had been before Spock's de-aging. He felt certain that he would be forced to watch them fall in love all over again and that it would break his heart.
So he held onto what little time he had left with all his soul, always tensed for the moment what the bond between them would break.
He was sure the recoil would be beyond painful.
Spock was tentative in his reintroduction to the crew. He'd been very clingy as a toddler and even now did not like to be out of Jim's sight. But he had a willingness about him to know more about his environment. His gaze was filled with a curiosity that as an older man he'd barely let be seen, but now seemed always present.
He wanted to learn, to know all there was to know about the world around him. He wanted to be able to be of use to Jim like he had been as a first officer. Every minute of his day while Jim was on the bridge was spent memorizing all the rules of Starfleet, trying to impress his caretaker.
Every night he would greet Jim in their quarters with all the new information he had learned and they would talk for hours about everything. Soon they didn't even have to finish their sentence before they knew what the other was going to say. It was kind of the bond that Jim had always wanted with older Spock. To be as close as Prime had been with his Jim. They were so close that others felt awkward in their presence, as though they were intruding on something incredibly intimate and special.
Something that Uhura didn't understand.
She had been enraged when Jim had explained that Spock did not want to return to their quarter when his and Jim's bond had made it possible for them to be apart. She hadn't counted on them not wanting to be separated.
Jim knew she missed her fiancé and felt bad for her being all alone in the corridors she had shared with Spock before he'd been de-aged. But he felt even worse when he thought of Spock leaving him alone again. It had been bad enough when his first officer had moved out of the room next to him to move in with Uhura and left him without a late night chess partner, but to have Spock taken from him now would be too painful.
It didn't feel like he would be losing a child he had raised or a best friend that he cherished, but someone he cared for. Someone he loved.
And he did love Spock. He loved the way Spock smiled when he thought no one else could see. The way he questioned everything and studied anything he could get his hands on. The way that Spock would touch him now like it was the most natural things in the world, so unlike when he was an adult who flinched at any kind of contact.
Mostly he loved the fact that this Spock wanted to be with him. That he wanted them to be friends. He loved Spock and he hated himself for it, but couldn't stop.
It was just too easy to fall for the rapidly aging boy who he had loved before this all began, especially when he had loved the man he had been before too.
He had no idea that Spock felt the same. The young boy was not ignorant of his growing desire for his caretaker. Jim was always so calm and gentle with him, treating him as though he was the most precious things in the universe. He loved feeling so loved, but it was hard for him to understand what he was feeling.
He knew that Lieutenant Uhura loved him. She always looked at him like he was the center of her world and he knew that she wanted to be with him any free moment she had.
But he didn't want that. The few times they had talked he had tried to understand what his older self saw in her. He had honestly tried to see what about this woman would make him pledge to marry and bond with her.
Yet every conversation seemed to go the same. She was always trying to get him to be who he had been before, to discourage him from acting human in front of anyone else but her, and to only care for her.
The more she tried though, the more he couldn't understand what his older self had seen in her. She wanted him to only be himself with her and hated when he showed the barest hint of affection and emotion to others.
Even if she had been his perfect match in every way he still wouldn't have liked her just because of the way she treated Jim. Even at work she always bordered on the edge of insubordination with the way she talked to Jim. She treated him like he was an idiot and didn't understand anything she said when Jim was clearly a thousand times smarter than her. He didn't need to see their test results to know that Jim's IQ was way higher than hers and her only good traits were her looks and skills with languages.
She was nothing compared to Jim, who overlooked her rude comments and kept her on the ship for her skills. He was above her petty attempts to induce an outburst that could be used against him and Spock respected him all the more for it.
Jim was his idol, his parent, and community leader all in one. In Spock's eyes there was no one in the universe more phenomenal than James T. Kirk and he wasn't afraid to admit it.
He wasn't afraid to be afraid.
From what he knew about his older self he'd spent his whole life trying to be perfectly Vulcan despite his half human heritage. Spock didn't understand that. He wasn't entirely Vulcan and while he could see the logic in being a totally logical being he also saw its flaws.
He wanted to be happy, to smile and not be given weird looks by the rest of the crew, and mostly he wanted Jim to look at him like more than just a child.
He knew his ageing was not natural and that in a few weeks time he would return to the age and person he'd been before the potion that had made him the age he was now, but still….He couldn't believe that would still be him, that he'd still be the same person.
He wanted to be remembered as something different, as someone different, and he was certain no one would, not even Jim.
Because when Jim looked at him there was always a little part of him that knew Jim saw who he had been before. The person he didn't remember being and didn't want to. He'd gone through the materials his older self had 'left' and found little to indicate a personality, let alone happiness.
It had been cold, impersonal in ways Spock hadn't thought a person could live with. He hated being in his former room and found Jim's corridors to truly feel like home.
The future seemed more daunting by the day as he grew notably older with each.
Also with each day that past, with each hour that he was allowed at Jim's side, he found himself growing fonder and fonder of his caretaker. It wasn't until his 14th week that he realized to what degree.
He'd been sleeping in his own bed since his 7th week and had learned how to build barriers between his dreams and Jim's from T'Lou by his 14th.
He couldn't have been more grateful for that fact considering the dream he'd had on the Monday of that week.
He'd allowed his control to slip during his sleep and permitted uncontrollable elements into his dreams. That night he'd dreamt of being on Vulcan, allowing all that he had read about the planet to form a mental image of his lost home world. He found the setting peaceful and hadn't been surprised when Jim had appeared at his side. He found Jim peaceful too.
But he was surprised when the blonde had straddled his waist as he stared at the starlit night.
"Jim?" He'd questioned breathlessly.
The blonde had just smiled down at him as he lay pinned to the ground and brushed a hand lightly down Spock's face.
"Hi Spock." He muttered nonchalantly before leaning down and kissing Spock's neck gently.
"Jim?!"
The blonde didn't stop his actions despite Spock's outraged voice and instead smiled against his skin.
"Hmmm Jim." Spock moaned despite himself as the blonde continued. It felt so good to have Jim's lips on his skin and to look up and see the face of the man he loved.
"Love you Spock." Jim whispered into a pointed ear before nipping at the tip.
"I love you too Jim. Don't stop. Please don't stop." Spock begged without reservation. He wanted this more than he ever thought possible and nothing was going to stop him from enjoying it.
"Jim, Jim, Jim!" He gasped as the blonde continued trailing kisses down his neck and grinding against him.
"Spock?" Jim asked sleepily.
Spock jolted up from his bed and gasped for breath as he stared with dilated eyes at the face that had just been dreaming about making out with.
"You okay Spock? I thought I heard you calling my name." Jim asked before yawning, giving Spock a chance to shift enough to hide the result of how excited that dream had made him.
His cheeks flushed bright green as he realized the state he was in and he wanted nothing more than to die of embarrassment on the spot.
"I'm sorry Jim. I merely had a bad dream."
Jim grinned knowingly.
"I think I know what kind of dream you're talking about. I had the same kind when I was your age."
"You did?" Spock asked timidly, grateful for the understanding Jim was trying to offer.
"Yep, every teenager does. I don't want to you to feel like it isn't normal. Any teenager with Uhura around is sure to have a few wet dreams staring her. It's as natural as breathing, even for half Vulcans."
Spock's blush didn't waver as he kept starring Jim, feeling the fire in his stomach flaring instead of waning.
"I wasn't dreaming about Uhura." He admitted shyly, hating how awkward he felt.
Something flickered through Jim's gaze as he processed this and even through their weakened bond Spock could still feel his surprise and just maybe a little hope.
What was Jim hoping for?
"You can dream about whoever you like Spock, I'll never judge you." Jim assured him with a gentle grin.
Spock wanted to admit to Jim that he dreamed of his caretaker taking him and finishing his latest fantasy but knew he could not.
His personality would only be around for another few weeks, then he would be returned to the stoic man he knew his former self had been. He had no right to act on his feelings and ask Jim to indulge his sincere and desperate desire to love him.
So he kept his silence as Jim offered him one last faint smile before exiting his corridors and leaving Spock by himself.
Every fiber in him urged him to follow the blonde and confess how deeply and utterly in love he was with him, but his resolve was firm. Jim would never know how he felt about him. He would live till his 19th week and then be returned to who he had been before, unwanted fiancé and all.
The thought alone made his eyes mist over and his heart long to weep for what he would never have and would possibly never even recall when he came of age again.
He gave a quiet dry sob over the love he felt in his heart and the knowledge that it would disappear with him, unknown and unwanted.
Little did he know that Jim was giving himself the same pep talk, convincing himself that he had no right to love the poor teen brought into his care. It would not be fair of him to hope it was himself that filled Spock's dreams and overflowed their bond with a fiery desire that he still felt lingering in his veins.
Spock would only be the boy Jim had come to love more and more every day for another five weeks, than he would be forced to deal with the Spock that despised him and wanted only Uhura. His heart ached at the thought and how even now with the hope of his feelings being returned and the prospect of Spock forgetting all of this, he could not offer his heart to the brown eyed boy who already unknowingly possessed it.
It wouldn't be fair to either of them and if Spock did remember a relationship between them beyond what they had now…..After he was returned to normal and it would surely only lead to disaster.
He would not be the thing that broke Spock's and Uhura's relationship because of his secret. He'd kept it far too long for that to ever happen.
So with equal heavy hearts the pair laid in their beds and repeated to themselves over and over that what they were doing was for the best.
Their attempts to avoid each other's heartbreak were placing the very undesired cracks on each others hearts.
Too nervous to write a author's note. What do you guys think?
Please read and review!
Yours truly,
Jessica4999499